Thirty thousand dollars. I heard that figure and my jaw dropped. That’s the amount that a couple of my friends are spending on their upcoming wedding.
Every time I hear about some new detail of the plans for the wedding, there’s a little voice in my head that starts commenting on the bottom line. But here’s the thing — it’s not my wedding. I’m not going to say a word because my friends are adults and seem to be pretty pleased with what they’re getting for their money.
The High Cost of Weddings
The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S, so my friends aren’t so far off the norm. The number may be hard to wrap your head around if you’re used to thinking about things in terms of budgeting, saving money and all the other little things that go along with thinking hard about your personal finances, but it’s also not so uncommon when you think about the number of cultures in which families bring themselves to the edge of bankruptcy for weddings, dowries and other related expenses.
Personally, I don’t like those numbers but the simple fact of the matter is that I know I’m in the minority. My wedding cost just under $200 and I got exactly what I wanted (down to the perfect cake). While I have a hard time understanding the big numbers some people spend on weddings, many people have just as hard a time understanding how I could spend so little.
Nothing I can say or do will make my friends see things my way — and the reverse is just as true. And since they’re happy, the only result I can see from saying anything at all is putting my friendships in danger. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut.
High-Priced Weddings Aren’t Going Away
But I’m still thinking about the matter.
I’m thinking about why people so clearly prefer big weddings, even with the price tag. For a lot of people, I think it’s a matter of priorities: they’ve thought things through and the idea of a big wedding and all that goes with it (fun times with family, a great party and so on) is worth it. The experience of the perfect wedding is worth more than the alternatives of where they can spend that money.
At the end of the day, it’s a matter of personal choices, as it should be. If your financial priority is your wedding, that’s fine. You should be able to throw the rockingest party you can. The problems creep in when we think about the fact that not everyone manages their finances perfectly. Not everyone saves up money to pay for their wedding ahead of time or budget for what they can afford to spend. Some people choose to go pretty deep into debt in order to have the wedding of their dreams and wind up paying even more in interest, not to mention causing damage to their credit.
The idea of massive debt for one day of fun — charging an amount equivalent to at least a down payment on a house, if not most of the total cost — is what bothers me. I’m lucky enough that my friends aren’t in that boat, but even if they were, it seems like it’s not considered polite to even bring up wedding costs and talk about debts. It’s not a friend’s place to say anything. I can’t help but wonder if costs would be a little lower if friends talked about how they were able to save money on their celebrations or talk candidly about staying out of debt.
The current state of the economy seems to be bringing a few more of those discussions out into the open. But we’ve still got a ways to go. I’m certainly not interested in risking my friendships just to talk about money. I don’t think I’m the only one, either.
So, I wish my friends all the happiness in the world — a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage. I will be there for the happy day and I will gladly celebrate with them.
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The problem with big, expensive weddings is that people are starting to judge them as a norm. Of course there are some rich, flashy weddings with expensive decor, live bands, 3 course meals, unlimited wine, $500 hair and makeup, limos, etc. Some people are rich and can afford it.
But that isn’t the norm. Why do some people do cash bars and basic reception meals or apps with paper plates? It’s what they can afford. Why an iPod? No budget for a DJ. Why generic or simple decor? Why cheap or fake flowers? Simple dress? Because this is the WEDDING the couple and/or their family can pay for. They can’t afford any other kind of wedding. Waiting two years isn’t an option-they will still be financially tight. Eloping? Maybe they want to celebrate with their families? Should poorer families never try to celebrate because they can’t afford etiquette?
And that’s my problem with expensive wedding. They turn the average crowd into judgmental so-and-so’s instead of well wishing guests at a celebration.
I have to disagree. If you look over the comments here, you will see that those people who had less expensive weddings are far, far more judgemental than those who chose to spend more. I had a very expensive wedding, and I have always enjoyed myself at other weddings, whether they were more or less expensive than mine. There were many choices that I made that were important to me, but that has no bearing on other people’s choices. I just like to be there to celebrate with the happy couple.
It is so funny to read everyone’s impassioned responses! Our wedding, reception and honeymoon together all cost around 4k. We had very little money and 2k of that came from friends and parents. We ended the day with no debt and our closest friends saying that our wedding had a wonderful community spirit. No alcohol, no dj (just someone with a mac and itunes) buffet style. We asked certain people closest to us to forego a gift and just make food, or play music, or sew table runners or make our wedding cupcakes. I have a few regrets about the day (but looking back we couldn’t afford anything else), but no reservations about the man I married!
There is nothing wrong with a small wedding. I too find it a bit crazy to spend $30,000 on one day of your life. Especially since they could do so many other better things with that money. If they have kids, it’s enough money to almost entirely pay for their children’s college. If they have student debt it’s almost enough to entirely pay for it (depending on where they went to school). They could either put a nice down payment on a house, or even buy property with that money (both things that will actually last). The divorce rate is extremely high and not in a young couples favor. Why pay $250 a plate when you can do a perfectly nice plate for about $30 a plate? Especially if you have women in your family who are willing to help with cooking. If you shop sales you can buy your guests a very nice dinner. Even lobster! (it goes on sale $5 a lobster from time to time and steaming doesn’t take that much time or effort.) Just get a large steamer, and maybe an extra fridge (again you could probably pick up a used one for like $200, and clean it out and use it). Most of the time when you cater it’s only two people working all day in the kitchen (I’ve worked on catering before, it’s something you could totally do on your own if you have a few women who can show up the day before and help). Salad is extremely cheap, and so are veggie, and cheese platers. Just make things that will last well in the fridge, have a later wedding and do some light cooking during the morning of. You can still have nice things at the wedding but for way cheaper. And invite maybe 50 people. Also at my sisters wedding her mother in law made all the dresses for free (even the brides gown which was made to look like Drew Barrymore’s dress in Ever After). My sister spent like $300 on nice fabric, and all of the dresses looked amazing. just as nice as store bought dresses but WAY less expensive.
Who cares about how much money you spend. Just have fun and enjoy yourself!
If people are able to afford such weddings and have some basic fiscal responsibility, why not? Help support the economy and maybe a good memory before the divorce.
I have enjoyed reading all the comments here…wide variety of wedding customs across the countr y, it seems. My oldest daughter and her husband were runners, so they ran from the church to the VFW hall (4miles) –they changed into a white tee and short veil for her, and a tux tee for him to run in–back in June of 2001. They had a square dance caller at the reception, which was quite fun. A nice dinner, no alcohol, two lovely cakes, and a pretty relaxed atmosphere, for around 6k.
A few years later, this same daughter taped the wedding of two friends who got married at mile 20 of the Boston marathon–that was interesting! The minister was a runner, too, and he ran the whole way with them. That was a pretty frugal wedding, probably only 4k for hotel rooms, airfare, etc.
We wanted to buy a house soon so opted to get creative with the wedding to save costs, but still have a great day. We got engaged end of Sept and had the wedding the weekend before Thanksgiving. Our friends aren’t fancy people and most of our families were in other states so wouldn’t be coming anyway. We decided we wanted them to be relaxed and comfortable rather than stuffed into suits and heels, so we had an Engagement Party in a gorgeous park with a lake and decorated up the shelter site beautifully. Meticulously taped the music to run the right songs on the timeline we wanted. Had a pot luck with our friend’s famous chili and mai tais and others brought things to contribute. The wedding ‘cake’ was 4 layers of pumpkin pie (our fav) with four on bottom later, then three, two and the top one was made by his grandmother for us. Each had Tiger Lilies on top as that’s my fav. flower. Great party. Had some fun games. During one, we sauntered off and did a quick change into wedding clothes then came back as the music played our wedding song. We were arm in arm coming up the walk and everyone gasped and cheered and scratched their heads going wtf? Only a couple people knew it was actually our wedding. We had the service, then the reception right there. Our female minister was in street clothes and blended in so no one knew she was there to marry us. It was an amazing day with 50 great people. Years later at a party, two people I didn’t know (guys) were talking about this wedding one of the guys friends told him he’d been to that was so cool, and proceeded to describe OUR wedding. It’s often brought up by one of our friends at gatherings as it was unique, had all the needed elements, and they got to just be themselves. We requested no gifts, but some did bring them. We did the details ourselves, Mom got the flowers, Mom-in-law did the decorations, and all in all it was VERY low cost, but just so much fun. For the honeymoon we took our RV and parked it in a beautiful place in the middle of nowhere and had 4 great days seeing no one but us. Heaven. That’s how you do it up right. 3 months later, we found our house and had enough cash down for affordable payments. Nothing was sacrificed or felt skimped. Everyone had a blast. The genius was that it was an engagement party on the pretty invitation so no one felt ‘formal’ and typical wedding ‘rules’ didn’t have to apply. We ate a fabulous pot luck, danced and had fun, got married, and then danced, had champagne and laughed the night away with those we love. Every person stayed until it ended. Can’t get better than that. I’m an accountant. We could have had the big deal wedding, but people just have more fun when they are in their comfortable clothes and relaxed hanging out with their friends, and a wedding just doesn’t need to cost a lot to be spectacular. It’s the people who make it memorable and fun. Enjoy!
This is such a cool idea! Good for you!
Nate,
Please do not delude yourself with the idea that you had a 4k wedding.
1) Bouquets – Invite your friends over. This is labor and while I am sure your friends were happy to take as much interest in your wedding as you were, your savings were taken from their sweat. This kindness from your friends has a value which may not be available to people that have accepted a career away from where they grew up, went to school or so on. Your apartment smelled like flowers for a week after the wedding? Did you not go on a honeymoon? Savings for you.
2) It is fantastic that you were able to get a nice suit and I am sure it was great and worked perfect for you. There are other people that are more traditional and would want a tuxedo and a wedding dress, but you did choose to do without, so savings for you.
3) Cakes from a local bake shop. While you may have horrible friends or family members that would say something nasty, and while I am sure your cake was most likely better than many wedding cakes, can you imagine any of your friends saying “ wow, too bad you didn’t get a real wedding cake that tasted better “. We will never know how this turned out so your “ha” can never actually be measured.
4) What is your profession? If your friend were a dentist, would you go to their work and ask for free veneers? A landscaper, would you ask to have your yard redone for free. A banker, would you ask for an interest free loan? Why is it ok to use your friends that are photographers, DJs, bakers and so on? It seems like disrespect for the type of work that they do. While it was free to you, it was asking you friend that I am sure was more than happy to do it for you, to forgo their normal compensation and no longer be a guest at your wedding but an unpaid worker. Either through their good will and friendship or the feeling of an obligation to do so, you maneuvered a free service. Since you didn’t actually forgo something for your wedding but hadn’t and didn’t pay for it, which many others cannot do, you should include the unpaid cost in the cost of your wedding. Albeit potentially disrespectful, a savings for you.
5) They were the invitations for your wedding, I would hope that you were proud of them and I truly wish I had the ability to be that creative. This was a great savings for you.
I hope that after 3 hours ( which is more than long enough for a reception ), that when the reception went to a cash bar, it was turned into an after hours event and no one felt obligated to stay because the bride and groom were still at the party. While no one is obligated to buy a drink, it would be a bit awkward to stay at a riotous party and pass on participating in the most likely inevitable sloshfest. Buffet style is fantastic and actually is more likely to allow guest to enjoy the food they want and still have it at a nice temperature! A great savings for you!
Now if you want to believe that your friends that worked, like the DJ/Photographer were exposed to other people that may use them for future events; please remember that at any wedding they work where they are paid, they have the same opportunity, so at this point they would be paying for advertising at your wedding by giving you the service for free. Your friends and their labor as well, although I am sure everyone was happy to do it. Also, your ability to keep it down to 60 people is fantastic but does not really relate to anyone else.
I am not demeaning your wedding at all. You and your guests obviously had a fantastic time and a wedding doesn’t need to cost a lot to have fun and being expensive does not make it bad either. The issue is, people keep posting how they pulled off an inexpensive wedding. WHO CARES!? Expensive or inexpensive, people have their own dreams of that day and it is no one else’s business.
BTW, I hope people worry about general table manners whether they are in the back of a pickup truck or in a tuxedo. Have to sit through a wedding ceremony ( what is this country coming to )? The goal is actually to see the couple exchange vos and commit themselves to each other in marriage and to share in the joy of their union. If your target was to just have fun, you should have thrown a superbowl party or something!
My wife and I got married in Washington DC. The budget? We were shooting for between $3 and $4k for a marriage and reception in a city with one of the highest costs of living in the entire U.S. This is how it worked:
1. marriage ceremony at the Jefferson Memorial- $50 processing fee for the application to the department of parks, $200 chair rental. For rain, we planned on doing the ceremony at the reception site. Fortunately, it was a beautiful day.
2. flowers: purchased wholesale, we did the bouquets ourselves, and invited some friends over to help. It was actually a really fun night, and our apartment smelled like flowers for a solid week after. $300.
3. dress/suit: I went with a nice suit, she got a fantastic dress, both purchased at an outlet mall with tailoring done by a friend. hers, BCBG, mine, Hugo Boss. Total cost: $650.
4. Cakes from a local cake shop we love- didn’t do a full wedding cake, but got three separate cakes, different flavors, and put them on a tiered cake tower. Cost: $130. Guests couldn’t stop gushing about how these cakes were the best wedding cakes they had ever eaten. ha.
5. Handmade our own invitations (80 or so), and gotta say, they looked better than some professional ones I’ve seen out there. go to a specialty paper store, and you’ll be amazed what they have for you to work with and how easy it is. use the clerks- they usually have good sense and some experience for what works and what doesn’t. We had a multi-piece card set, with embossing, gloss stencils, card insert for the reception, and it took us only about 5 hours to get it all done. $200.
6. Reception for 60 guests: Friend DJed, open bar for 3 hours, with cash bar after, heavy appetizers (and lots of them, lamb chops, arancini, etc) served buffet style, and private space at a lounge. $2k, including decoration, and purchase of certain supplies (i.e. cake server, etc)
7. We had a friend who is a professional photographer, so that actually got done for free.
All in all, we came in under our 4k max.
It was an awesome wedding, best day of my life, and really, it doesn’t take an arm and a leg. Just some basic principles:
1. you can save bundles by doing it yourself.
2. avoid anything that has the word “bridal” or “wedding” in it. When we were pricing venues, we avoided mentioning it was a wedding reception. We got quoted good rates. Bars and other venues will work with you too- often times they will have private party spaces, or you can rent out the whole bar. Think outside the box, and using a traditional “wedding” venue is going to cost you at least 1.5 times what any other venue would cost. I lucked out since our venue was willing to work with us on cake, they supplied all the silverware and plates for no charge, allowed us to set up the space just like we wanted, and allowed my friends in to decorate before the wedding.
3. Enlist your friends. They can help with a lot of the manual labor- decorating the venue, setting up chairs, making bouquets. Enlist friends with special skill sets- have a cake baker? use him. Have a photographer? use her. All it will cost is an invitation to the wedding, beer and pizza, and then a thank gift on the flip side.
4. Trust that your guests will have fun amongst themselves! You don’t need to control them or plan special events or activities. A reception should be food, booze, and some music. Keep it simple- as long as you have good taste in friends and family that isn’t insane, they will have fun. 🙂
5. Keep the guest list down! Immediate family- no need to invite third cousins unless you are close. Close friends and co-workers only. No need to invite your boss from your internship 10 years ago. No need to invite some guy you meet up with once every three months for a beer. No need to invite your parent’s friends, or your aunt’s bridge buddy. No need to invite your clients. Most folks can (and should) get it to 40 or 60 guests.
6. If you want to keep free booze flowing- do a per guest all you can drink for 2 or 3 hours, cash bar after, and pick up the tab. The logic is this: not many people can keep up drinking after 2 or 3 hours- their intake will go down the longer they’re around, so if you get a flat rate for the first two hours and then pay cash after, you’re likely coming out ahead. We sure did. There was very little on the cash bar tab at the end of the night.
It’s funny, since our wedding, we went to a huge wedding blowout in San Francisco (easily a $100k wedding, if not more. marriage ceremony at Grace Cathedral, multiple receptions, sit down dinner for 200 guests with lobster and prime rib, open bar for 6 hours, food again at midnight, etc.), one in new york (lesser scale, but easily a $30k wedding), and one here in DC (easily a $50k wedding at lincoln’s cottage).
I have to say, I rather liked my wedding. People weren’t stressing about table manners, or fretting about whether they were wearing a nice enough dress while sitting in a ballroom with crystal chandeliers and eating prime rib and lobster. They weren’t surrounded by people who even the bride and groom only barely know. They didn’t have to sit through a wedding ceremony at Grace Cathedral, which was just one of 5 wedding ceremonies scheduled for that day, making us rush into the church, and then rush out as soon as it was over. They just had fun. And that’s the goal. Right?
That sounds like an insane amount of work for your guests, your friends, and yourselves to pull off a cheap-but-looks-rich wedding. I’m glad you had a great day, but you put your friends to work for it, so that’s not a true budget wedding. I’m sorry, it drives me crazy when couples brag about their budgeting when it’s actually the connections that saved you money, not the set budget. It still puts the idea forward that everyone should have a rich-looking wedding.
We are doing a simple wedding on a simple budget. We had to eliminate some stuff and tone down others, but our guests, our friends, are invited to show up and enjoy themselves. They don’t need to do anything else for us.
It sounds more or less like a good idea. If your friends were willing to help why not ask? If they didn’t want to all that they just had to say was “no”. You could’ve offered to pay them a modest amount for their services (cheaper than normal), but most friends might look at that as a bad thing. If the person is really your friend they would want to help you. And vice versa, when they need your help you would be willing to help them too for free or a modest charge. And family and friends more often than not actually want to help. Obviously, you were probably paying for the things like ingredients to make the cake. And it probably only took about an hour of your friends time to bake it. It’s really not that big of a deal.
Weddings have become a stress to impress event. The more spectacular, the better the couple and their family appears, or think they appear. It is also one of the few occasions where parents or couples with money can flaunt their wealth very openly. A $30 000 wedding may not be a big deal to these families, so by all means, spend away.
It sucks when these weddings become the norm. The wedding everyone has to live up to. Because many, many people do not have parents who financially support them, or fiances making six figures, or trust funds, or paid-for education, or well paying jobs of any kind. So these wedding norms, aka the live band, DJ, the fancy dress, decorator, planner, fancy catering and open bar…these norms are not realistic. It’s sad that a smaller income couple might stress themselves sick compensating, or avoid having a wedding because they can’t live up to the flashy, rich people weddings.
I’m on the 3rd day of an Indian wedding.Yesterday’s pictures were all of sleeping people and I can’t say my $350 wedding wasn’t a wee bit superior. Oh,I know this cost heaps and heaps more. And if I’d had relatives who were alive,that would certainly have been wonderful,terrific, and I missed my father immensely. But-I haven’t met the groom yet. I saw the bride for 3 minutes as she dashed off to the real festivities with her friends,and the relatives flown in from India are so jet-lagged,all they can manage to do is sleep on the couch. By the time I get all the faces straight- who are cousins in some way of my husband,they will be gone. I haven’t seen most of these people in over 17 + years. By the time I get them straight
they’ll be gone for another 17 and we’ll all be shriveled and unrecognizable.Lol.
On the topic of whether guests like going to weddings or tolerate them…doesn’t it depend on the guest and on the wedding? If I don’t know the guest that well and we don’t share the same circle of friends I usually get seated at the misfit table. The one with lecherous Uncle Tony and simple Sally, and deaf Dora and drunk Douglas. But sometimes the misfits are really interesting and I have a good time anyway. Other times I end up sitting with no one to talk to, wondering how long I need to stay before I can politely leave.
Given how expensive the weddings around here are ($45,000 is AVERAGE, not high), if I hear a bride-to-be mentioning that she is having trouble cutting down her guest list, I will sometimes mention that ‘some people’ might be satisfied to go to the ceremony and not be invited to the reception. Depending on her response to this hypothetical statement I sometimes suggest that I won’t be offended if she doesn’t invite me to the reception, and usually we are both quite satisfied! I love being at the ceremony, but am perfectly happy to not use up a place at the reception. Obviously this would not be appropriate for out of town guests or for close family or friends.
I don’t think it’s social anxiety, although her comment is a bit extreme. My life is busy and fills to the brim, and truthfully, I don’t love devoting my summer Saturday to a long ceremony and reception, let alone two, three, or more summer Saturdays. Every wedding feels like the same wedding, and they are kind of tedious, even when I love the couple. I know people love to drink a lot at weddings due to boredom, but I don’t enjoy wedding hangovers anymore. I am dreading the FOUR weddings I have to book off for this summer. I will have no real summer vacation at all.
Reality check. Weddings, with all their hype, cost, and work, are typically something that people tolerate going to on their weekends when they would rather be doing something else.
I hate long, drawn out weddings, unless I am the one surrounded by my friends as bride or bridesmaid. I have to devote time to book time off to attend the thing, and it goes on forrrrevvver. Awkward tables. Long waits for food. Painful speeches. All the pretty decor doesn’t change that. By the time the DJ is on the dance floor, I am ready to say congrats and slink away.
THAT is the reality of weddings. Whether cheap or expensive. We kid ourselves that it is the event of the year. It’s something people endure and make into more than it is for the sake of the couple. So spend what you want and don’t stress to compare. They typically all kind of suck.
I think it is wonderful that we don’t all have to have weddings that are the same. Some people love luxury. Some people love simplicity. There is no right or wrong about either choice. I just think it is unfortunate for people to go in debt to pay for a huge affair. In my area of the country, the average wedding is $45K. Some people save their whole lives to afford something that would otherwise be too extravagant. That would not be my style, but for some people it truly is what they hoped for all their lives. As long as the bride and groom agree on what kind of wedding they want, their friends should be happy for them.
I’ve been to wonderful expensive weddings, and horrible expensive weddings. I’ve been to fun casual weddings, and tacky cheap casual weddings. I know that some people will probably want to jump on my description of tacky and cheap, and I choose to not defend myself by giving details, because guess what? My job as a friend is to be happy for the bride and to never never let her know that anything wasn’t perfect, so I will not list any details that could ever ever reach her ears. Because I would never want to dim her special day, even if I would do mine differently. I’m happy if she is happy.
I’ve been to expensive weddings where the marriage lasted and to others where the marriage didn’t last. I’ve been to cheap weddings where the marriage lasted and to others where the marriage didn’t last. My parents got married at a Justice of the Peace and when my mom died 59 years later, my dad was counting the days until their 60th wedding anniversary.
I really don’t think that the cost of the wedding has anything to do (positively OR negatively) with the survival of the marriage. Although I think that starting with debt is an extra burden so I try to encourage my friends to scale back if that is the alternative. And of course, I can’t imagine trying to start a marriage the day that Bridezilla is expected to start normal life and act like a human being. But an expensive wedding doesn’t require a bridezilla, and it doesnt require debt, we just tend to associate those things because they often go together.
My main point — if you are getting married, be joyful, be loving, be kind, you have my best wishes and my blessings.
My husband and I were married last October and we went under our budget of $5000. We are both older, we didn’t want a wedding party, and our ceremony was at the reception hall. I made my own bouquet. I’m sure we could have spent more money, but we also don’t argue about debt, either.
Because most of our families live out of our state, we wanted them to enjoy the the trip. We upgraded our menu, had a beer and wine open bar and a gourmet coffee station. Since alcohol was served, we also hired two friends as designated drivers so there were resources on hand to ensure guests who were not sober to drive a safe way home.
Did people complain/critique my choices? Of course they did. And guess what — they also didn’t rsvp. No worries. Regrets are free. My only regret is that my parents (who are long gone) missed seeing their youngest, quirkiest kid walk off in the sunset with a wonderful partner.
Most expensive weddings are over the top anyways. Everything just has this hugely airbrushed quality to it, money has clearly been thrown around at the stupidest stuff ,and everybody is posed and trendy in pictures…it just feels more like a show rather than a celebration of commitment and love.
The simplest ceremonies and receptions are almost always the nicer ones to attend and enjoy. They are light, low key, and people leave their expectations at the door and just come to celebrate.
I am so sorry that people like Alexis allow their jealousy to be such a powerful force in their lives. To believe it is disgusting for people to spend their own money because other people can’t afford the same things is ridiculous. People have every right to spend what they want on their weddings, homes, vacations and so on. This implied condition of a wonderfully catered affair is only created by a bitter and small mind. All of the guests at my wedding would have wished us well at the courthouse steps or at a million dollar event. Alexis, I am sure that most of the people here feel no need to defend their spending and love thinking about the wonderful event, vacation or whatever they spent THEIR money on. We can evidently see where Alexis has her priorities and her relationship with money and the social structure. Please quit vomiting your hate, anger and personal issues on the rest of us.
It’s interesting that Alexis cares so deeply about “people who can’t afford” but crusades against people paying for servers, cooks, decorators, florists, venues that hire landscapers and housekeepers, musicians…how dare anyone employ people, so they can earn wages? Shame on them.
People who make and spend excesses of money will always defend their spending. The fact that people are unable to afford decent food, shelter, and education in our own cities-people we know or see around us- while we spend $30 000 on a party is actually pretty disgusting when you think about it. But we don’t like thinking about it, so let’s ignore that. We should really spend thousands on liquor for our guests who apparently love us and wish us well, but only on condition of a wonderful catered affair. It’s just good manners.
Looks like this couple is more interested in a great wedding….they should focus on a great marriage!
That’s absurd. While in England, a lot of my friends were running in the £10000-15000 for weddings and I thought that was absurd.
My sister had a delightful wedding that cost around $600. My friend Dj’d. My sister designed her wedding dress – a gorgeous, white Viennese Waltz gown – and our friend’s mother sewed it for the cost of materials as her wedding gift to my sister. She used our local church chapel gymnasium and our family did the decorations. We purchased food at a local university caterer and my aunt cooked the meal for the family lunch. All in all, it was about $150 for the dress and $450 for food/decorations. They honeymooned at her in-laws cabin and spent money on a month-after-the-honeymoon honeymoon to Europe.
Thrifty weddings can be lovely and…well…thrifty. They’re doing very well for themselves.
For some reason it still shocks me to see the number of angry/bitter trolls there are in the world. If you would not or could not spend 30k on a wedding, it does not mean someone else is wrong for doing so. It is not a tragic lapse in judgment or a sign of a doomed marriage. If you don’t believe in providing liquor, want a cash bar or provide a full bar; these choices are only a sign of your beliefs or economic ability and not a sign of your guests alcoholism, their need to drink to have fun or even a sign that its going to turn into an “Animal House” food fight instead of a ceremony. I grew up in the South and spent many years in the North and there is a difference between wedding events without a doubt. In Manhattan, a one bedroom can easily run for 3k a month ( for a pretty cruddy one bedroom ), while in the south you can get a 5 bedroom home in a good neighborhood for 2k a month. Thirty thousand is just about a starting point for weddings in Manhattan. We have many cultures in this world and for some, the wedding is a sign of pride and it is considered an insult not to invite everyone. I have been to 500 person weddings of parents that borrowed the money to have the event, and you could see the joy in the parent’s eyes. When the couple tried not to have the event, you should have seen the sadness and panic in the father. If your culture is your best friend on the beach or your entire community, enjoy!
If you ….
– Drink Soda
– Collect precious moments
– Drink BEER
– Collect anything
– Have more than two kids ( how selfish for the poor kids )
– Spend money to travel for the holidays
– Buy tickets to Nascar
– Eat fast food
– Buy any branded clothing when you could cover yourself easily at Wal-Mart
– Buy a car other than a Nissan Versa
– Donate money to the military ( don’t you do that with your taxes )
– Donate blood instead of selling your plasma
– Pay for a smart phone
– Have more than basic cable
– Buy chips (bananas are like 52 cents a pound)
– Watch someone else’s reality on TV instead of creating your own
You are obviously judgment impaired in a failing relationship and lack an overall sense of financial responsibility.
Just because you would spend your 30k differently, does not make someone else wrong for spending it the way they want. Why do people always want to impose their values on others. If you had your wedding for $1 or $100k, I hope that you enjoyed it, your guests got to witness the love the couple shared and that you have a bright and wonderful future.
Amy-I think that’s the best comment I’ve heard on this entire thing!
If they can afford to spend 30k on a wedding, then surely they don’t need any gifts! They can buy their own damn can opener!
My Friends are Spending $30K on Their Wedding — And I’m Keeping My Mouth Shut. But you’re not keeping your mouth shut, you’re spouting off on the internet on why you think it’s ridiculous that they are doing so.
A co-worker of mine told me about somewhat of a contest held by his two sisters, who were each getting married within a short time apart, to see who could have the most fabulous wedding.
The “winning” sister’s wedding cost $50K…and the marriage ended short of a year.
I also had an uncle who went all out paying for his daughter’s wedding. By the time he’d finished paying off the wedding, the daughter was married to her THIRD! husband.
It’s not the cost the wedding that matters, but the marriage itself. When I’d married, I told my wife I’d rather have the world’s most F’d up wedding, and have the greatest marriage possible.
It’s a matter of where people place their priorities.
I have a theory that the success and length of a marriage is in inverse proportion to the amount of money spent on the wedding. Friends who spent next to nothing on their weddings are still married 30 years later. Co-workers who spent $40,000 got divorced in a year. Having an elaborate, expensive wedding suggests that the couple (or maybe bride) are focused on materialistic, superficial things instead of the strength of the relationship itself.
I went to City Hall, bought a 60 dollar dress, had a small wedding breakfast and we used what we had saved to buy a condo. $29,000.00 on average for a one day conspicuous consumption event to impress your friends and relatives is crazy. And when one of you loses a job in a tough economy, will you have a roof over your head or a cushion to fall back on. Where are the priorities? And will your friends and relatives be impressed then. Especially when the average marriage lasts 3 minutes.
I got married three years ago right out of grad school. We had only a 105 guests, and we cut corners but spent $22,000 on the wedding. It was on the ocean lawn of the most magnificent and first hotel in the State of Hawaii. Our reception was on the covered patio of this hotel. Our friend was the head of events there.
For dinner we served only red and white wine and champagne, and guests had a cash bar for hard liquor, but everything else was incredible. Unlimited sashimi and sushi, lamb, ahi, and chicken for dinner, Cuban cigars and cognac for the after dinner smoke, a photographer who is the resident Hawaii photog for several national bridal magazines.
We could have spent less, but I don’t regret a single dollar of it, it was incredible and every penny we spent was worth every memory.
Exactly. We spent $12k (in the midwest) and reception was similar – soft drinks, wine, champagne, food and 2 drink tickets then a cash bar for anyone who wanted more.
We went in to debt a little but we paid it off. That day was incredible and we all still talk about it.
If you don’t want a big wedding or can’t afford to spend that much, understandable and fine! But I don’t see how vilifying those who do and can solves anything. Debt is not a good thing but I suspect the people who end up underwater in debt from their weddings may have ended up that way with other purchases…
$30k in cash or debt does not put everyone on the “brink of bankruptcy”
It’s up to the couple what kind of wedding they want. Most couples these days pay for their weddings themselves, such as my husband and I. It was our day and we did it the way we wanted. We had a guest list of 200 people and wanted to have our ceremony at the venue. I am not a huge fan of flowers so I made our centerpieces although I did have bouquets, corsages for the Mothers and Grandma and the flowers for the men and ring bearer. I didn’t go over the top crazy with my dress, shoes, veil, headpiece and accessories or with the DJ and Videographer. Instead we decided to splurge on our photographer as I am a huge fan of pictures and to be honest, it was worth every cent of the $9,500.00 we spent on our pictures. Our wedding costs us $55,000.00 and we have no regrets. We are not in debt and own our home. All we wanted was for everyone to enjoy themselves, enjoy the food and dance. Our dance floor was packed the entire night and everyone was raving about our 90 minute cocktail hour and reception. In the end, my husband and I were happy because we had a perfect day (in our eyes) and all of our guests had a great time. People still talk about our wedding to this day.
” it was funny to me that Ms Cheap Cheap, one of the most vociferously judgmental people commenting here, concluded her run by admitting that she had a terrible time at her own wedding and couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. I guess we can all offer our condolences that she made what turned out to be poor choices.” Awww-so sweet,and how condescending.
Sweety- I wanted to be alone with my husband-didn’t you? Sooooo sorry. Mine had been half way across the country at USC for 5 months.And I hadn’t.And our monthly phone bill was about $350-the same as the wedding. Mistakes?-he’s making me an espresso in the kitchen.Keep your condolences. He made a daring choice marrying me.It was love at first sight. Every guest knew that and teased us about it. They were friends,relatives, teachers ,and fellow students.On our 25th anniversary,he gave me a 1 carat diamond engagement ring and took me home to Austria. Yes. Choices. He got someone who loved his parents and gave him three intelligent talented ,beautiful offspring.
So much of this is about context– social, religious, financial. What seems normal or even mandatory in one context seems bizarre in another.
In New York City (where I live and where I got married twice), it’s possible to get married for very little money. But it’s hard to host a wedding for less than 20k. There is a finite number of nice venues here and nearly all of them have standard catering packages (or ‘preferred caterers’ that you have to use). Many of the cheaper ones are dining establishments and to justify closing down on a Friday or Saturday night, they have to guarantee they’ll make equal money to what they’d make in a typical bustling weekend evening in NYC.
The cost of things like hair, flowers and photography is extremely high, largely justified, because those vendors live in New York too and pay our rents. You wouldn’t dream of not providing alcohol here. Apart from anything else, a venue is often going to require it because otherwise they are forfeiting a huge source of profit for the night. And with people competing for venues, they can afford to stipulate.
I’m sure that 20k seems like an outrageous amount to many people. It would have done to our parents, who were married in the UK decades ago with church hall parties. But we have lived here for many years and this is our context now.
To host a fun, generous, memorable wedding and still keep the costs down, even in high priced NYC, my number one tip is to stop buying wedding magazines. The amount of unnecessary guff they will convince you that you need is unbelievable.
Two little final comments:
– The 2- month salary guideline for an engagement ring isn’t ‘traditional’. It used to be one month, and it was invented as a marketing campaign by the De Beers company to increase demand for higher end diamond solitaires. In the 90’s, when celebrity engagement ring carats started to go stratospheric, they upped it to 2 months. I was in some of those marketing meetings (until I left the agency I worked at partly out of extreme discomfort), and I can tell you there was nothing ‘traditional’ or romantic about them.
– it was funny to me that Ms Cheap Cheap, one of the most vociferously judgmental people commenting here, concluded her run by admitting that she had a terrible time at her own wedding and couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. I guess we can all offer our condolences that she made what turned out to be poor choices.
Live and let live.
That said, “spending” 30K is one thing, and borrowing it is another. Expecting your parents to go into debt for you is unethical and perhaps the work of a psychopath.
Making a huge financial mistake as the opening act of a shared life seems extremely short-sighted.
The truth: Most guests attend weddings, soldier their way through the thing, endure the event slightly beyond a strong desire to be somewhere else, and then seldom think about it ever again.
I live in an area that is heavily Southern Baptist. They can’t drink or dance, so not no alcohol is served, and even the wealthy couples rarely serve a full meal. Their weddings take place in mid-afternoon, usually with the reception in the church hall. Even the guests who fly across the country for the wedding don’t feel “ripped off” by the couple, because this is the southern, southern Baptist way here.
The reception is usually wedding cake, punch and coffee. If the couple is wealthy, they’ll add sandwiches, a cookie bar, perhaps a salad bar and maybe some appetizers. The flowers and tables may be more elaborate, but that’s it.
Everybody has a good time despite not having a drink. People who can’t party without a drink in hand have a problem.
Why is there the assumption that because alcohol is involved everyone is getting plastered? Do some people get drunk at wedding receptions? Sure, but in my experience, very few. Most people just like enjoying a glass of wine or beer or a gin and tonic or two with their meal – big deal! It hardly means that they have a problem.
Again, there are cultural differences at play. When in Rome . . . .
Is it strange that I greatly prefer watching old wedding videos or looking at old wedding albums of people being real? A smile, a touch of awkwardness, acting silly, non-perfect, non-airbrushed, a touching moment..as opposed to an artfully crafted and staged photo by some professional. Photos are starting to look non-human and the people in them unrecognizable in real life. Not my cup of tea, I suppose.
My parents paid for my wedding in the late 1970s. In an effort to continue to be the good daughter, and foolishly not pay for it with my fiance, we had a wedding that cost $1600. Very inexpensive even for those days. I still regret the simple and small wedding and dinner that followed. The marriage has lasted all these years, but I would have enjoyed having real photos, with a family portrait, rather than the candid shots a professional ad photographer took. Yes, I’d like to have had dancing, and the hora, and all those memories. I’d like to have been able to afford a location that would have allowed me to invite my cousins and more friends. An attempt to renew our vows at 25 years fell apart. I guess I’m not the wedding kind, although I’m the marrying kind.
I see so many comments with people bickering about alcohol that I just wanted to step in and say two things in defense of dry weddings.
First, alcohol is very expensive, and not serving it can save a bunch for a bride on a budget. There are plenty of other tasty drinks to be had for much less. And, if you have a good DJ to get the party going, there’s no need to add alcohol just to make it “fun”.
Second, speaking as a gal who opted for a dry wedding over a decade ago, my concern was for my guests. I didn’t want to have people I loved and cared about getting drunk at my reception and then end up in an accident on their way home. If they died or killed someone, I would have felt responsible in some way. – Not the best way to remember your wedding day.
Before people jump in here and rip my reply apart, I actually lost many friends in accidents in the years prior to my wedding. Each of them were struck by a drunk driver.
The reality is, most people don’t have this money to spend. We are very frugal and just signed papers. That is not for everyone but it was PERFECT for us. We do not want to be the center of attention in that way as it just makes us both feel awkward, but I totally respect that other people want to be the focus of their big day. But I guess to me whether you do a big wedding or not it is not about the “big day” — it is about the rest of your life. So many people spend tens of thousands and they focus on the “big day” and forget about the rest, which then comes smacking them with the cold hard punch of reality later. Frankly you’d have to pull the cash out of my cold dead hands to get me to spend it on some expensive dress. I am not Bo Peep. A more modestly cost wedding would make a heck of a lot more sense to me and then spend the $20 or $30 K on something more substantive like a house.
I don’t know -is it me or our culture or what? In the uk most of the weddings I have attended recently (and my own 30 yrs ago) the first drink at the reception is provided, as are the drinks during the meal then everyone pays for their own after that. No one thinks this odd or stingy, just the way things are.
I wish people would also look at the price it costs to just be a guest at a wedding, and the beyond high cost of being a bridesmaid. Between flights, hotels, new dress, shoes, shower, engagement part, batchlotette party, wedding gift and not counting days off work for all of this (and going to look for dresses also) i would feel really put off if then they asked for me to pay for my own drinks.
I think giving a great wedding is a sign of thanks to your friends and family for making you become such a great couple…. and that counts as buying me a vodka and tonic!
I would much rater go to a smaller wedding that was done right than be invited to a wedding when the bride and groom couldnt really afford to have extra guests, if that is the case please cut the list!
You sound like a friend I wouldn’t want at my wedding. Who cares how much they are spending or how much you spent. Money means different things to different people, as do weddings. I’ve been to backyard weddings, and lavish 100k+ ones. All were good, and were right for the couples. You sitting there judging them and trying to keep your mouth closed, just tells me you are the type to be overcritical.lavii
When I get married, I’ll have the money for a dream wedding, but I won’t have my Mom. Ladies, remember what really matters on your special day.
I’d take a courthouse wedding with a picnic dinner as long as my Mom could be with me on my special day.
I just wanted to point out that the description of spending $30,000 in exchange for one day is completely misleading. I spent over a year planning my wedding, and I and my family talked about it, made plans for it and had experiences relating to it the entire time. For example, that $1,000 dress that took up 1/30 of my budget? I thought about what I wanted to wear and looked at pictures to get ideas. I talked to my mom, MIL and SIL about shopping with me. I spent an afternoon with the four of us, looking for the dress and when I found it we all went out for dinner after to celebrate. I bonded with my family, I made some lovely memories and most of all, I had fun doing it! The money spent on my wedding provided us with one day of celebration and YEARS worth of memories, as we still enjoy talking about that day 3+ years later. Is all of that worth $30,000? That still remains a personal decision (and for me the answer was yes) but to say that what you get for the money spent is one day only is completely untrue.
This article is reeking of passive aggressive judgment and self righteousness… I would never spend that much but if that’s what they want to do… I only paid $200… I guess an expensive wedding is some people’s priority… I don’t like those high numbers but most other people do… blah blah blah. I wouldn’t assume that b/c someone is spending thousands on a wedding that they’re financially irresponsible. I commend them for creating the wedding THEY want, just like the author did.
My wedding was expensive but it depends on where you live. Different parts of the country cost more and NY is definitely one of them. The title of your piece is judgemental and the fact that you act as if you know everything is condescending. Spending that much on a wedding does not make you financially stupid. I spent that much and I paid for an ivy league masters degree…. all with cash. I also bought a house. If you know how to manage your money, then you should spend it as one sees fit.
Gee, a wedding is a celebration of a decision to unite lives, not a Broadway show or means to show how much debt you are willing to incur. If you can’t be happy for your friends/ family getting married in a dumpy backyard serving bbq and homemade cupcakes, then they were probably too generous and kind inviting you to begin with…
a wedding on 200.00 ???? How the heck is that even possible? My fiancé and I are planning our wedding right now….and the cake itself is double that cost. I have been getting multiple quotes on EVERYTHING and we are still at 15K and climbing….
The wedding is only going to be 40+ people, taking place on the beach, reception is at a restaurant instead of a crazy priced resort…..
with flowers, cake, food, drink, ceremony, dress….how can you do that on 200.00?
You have a wedding for $200.00 by only having the necessities. Bride, Groom, Officiant, marriage license and two witnesses. Seriously. That’s all you need. The rest are just wants! My wedding budget is $7,000 and we are spending $2,500 on photography, about $1,000 on food and drink (dry wedding, I’m a non alcohol person and refuse to have it but will provide sodas, lemonades, waters and coffees for free of course!) and the rest we will just adjust. Those are what’s important to us. Alot of our wedding will be DIY items, my sister is making the cake (she volunteered as her gift to us) and I am making the invites, bouquets and other things. Our wedding will be everything we’ve dreamed of, not because it’s an extravagant party, but because of the other person standing at that altar with me. I don’t care about anything else but the man across from me.
I think it really depends on the culture and the families. My fiance and I are Latin and are very family oriented. We are very fortunate to have good jobs and for both set of parents to give us a good amount of money so we can have the wedding that we both want and be able to invite our friends and families without worries. We are both professionals in our 30s and we each own our own homes so it’s not like we need to worry about buying a home after. We want to celebrate the beginning of husband and wife by giving our guests a good time. If you are content with a lower budget wedding then good for you, that is your choice. However, it is also the choice of the couple to spend more money on their wedding day as well.
A few commentators kinda hit this point, but it is so easily overlooked. A wedding is first and foremost about the couple, and its extravagance should be dictated by what the couple (or their family) can and is willing to do, MY FEELINGS ASIDE. I have been to weddings which included a punch and cake reception in a church basement, a “pot-luck”-style lunch, to a 5 course meal in a top notch hotel with an open bar. The same thing happened to all of those folks: people came to see the marriage of 2 people, the couple got gifts to start their lives together, and that couple woke up the next day happily married. It shouldn’t be about how much I could drink for free, or if I got full, or if I got to dance. It should be about them. If they can afford lavish things, great. If not, great. But since I am an invited guest, I can assume I know them well enough to know what is realistic and what is not.
And I would hope that as an invited guest, I would always remember that I am a guest at a celebration of a union. I also hope that more folks planning weddings can remember that also. As a guest I don’t deserve booze, lobster, or rubbery chicken. Nor do I deserve to see real flowers in lieu of fake ones. I should feel humble enough that I was even invited into this intimate occasion, and I should feel privileged to attend. And if I ever start to feel like I deserve these things, I probably shouldn’t go to the wedding anyway.
Kim- oh dear- I’m a troll. Who knew? All I wanted on our wedding day was for the damn thing to be over and to go to our Hotel. Anyone else feel like that? I was tired of being a bride and wanted to be a wife. If I knew then what I know now-I’d be much more patient,maybe.
I want a beautiful marriage, just like our relationship is now. Not going into debt to pay for a show off wedding.
Me and my fiance’s wedding costs are above the national average. We are having a long engagement so that we can save up without going into debt. We already have everything we need as working professionals like house, cars, no outstanding loans, and no children. We’ve been frugal most of our lives and have decided to save up and splurge just because we feel like it. I’ve been to all types of weddings: potlucks, backyard bbqs, church and banquet hall, mansion, etc. Everyone chose what fit them best for the day and were happy. Three of the couples have since divorced. Two had extremely low-cost weddings. And one had a wedding at a mansion. From my observations it doesn’t matter what the cost is. As long as you do not go into debt and are hospitable to your guests, which means not requiring them to pay for food and drinks regardless of whether they are alchoholic drinks or non-alcoholic, it’s all good. If someone else doesn’t agree with what we’re doing the great thing about this country is they can choose something different for themselves. And I would be just as happy for them. It just so happens that our taste is not the wedding in a rustic barn with cowboy boots variety. That’s cool for some people but not for everyone. I’m more of the Jane Austen type so I have to be true to who I am and hope everyone else continues to be happy with whatever choice they make.
We didn’t have a bar at our wedding, in fact there was no alcohol at all. We didn’t want a bunch of drunk guests. We didn’t have a band or dancing, we just had a small afternoon party in which people TALKED to each other. We didn’t have a full meal but we did have h’oerdorves (I don’t think I spelled that correctly). Numerous people told me months later it was the best reception they had been to. It was comfortable and intimate. The wedding was at my church so there was not fee for the service, the reception was at my parents house so no bill for the venue. My fiancee made the food. My in-laws provided the flowers. I purchased my own dress, my fiancee already had a tux. The biggest expense was the photographer and looking back I would have preferred just having portraits done ahead of time and not had the photographer at the wedding. Really, the only photographs anybody wants is a portrait of the bride and groom. I’m not quite sure why anybody would spend $30,000 and then think they got a good deal.
DH and I spent $30K on our wedding and we thought that was a hard budget to stay in after all the wedding costs! We didn’t go into debt to do it. We’re still happily married and financially secure.
I resent people who feel the need to put down people just because they have the means and opt to spend money on things they don’t agree with. Our wedding was a celebration where we felt it was important for our friends and family to have a good time. Great food, open bar, great music, etc.
We don’t regret a dime we spent.
We also had a destination wedding – and that’s why we were able to have the kind of wedding we did. Total, down to the last dime spent costs were around 17 K, and all the essential people were there for anyone who had financial issues with the travel we paid their air fair and hotel expenses and we could do it easily. The comparable wedding at home for the 150 people who would have expected to be invited and would have come would have been over that 30K mark, I have no doubt. This way, we invited everyone, those who really wanted to came and family who could not afford to travel were covered. We were able to order bottles of Cakebread Cabernet for the reception and everyone actually ate what they wanted t a beautiful venue, not some overpriced nasty “bulk” food. It was awesome. I would not change a thing and we could afford everything we did.
Cheap Cheap is a troll. Who wants desperately to believe her wedding was “right” and anyone with a different set of circumstances is “wrong”.
Woe betide anyone who is “wrong.”
In the Olde South where I was married, it was taboo to offer alcohol. But in the Yankee North where I’m from, alcohol was required.
So we paid over $1000 for alcohol, most of which we set out for our 10 year anniversary BBQ, and most of which is STILL not cracked (I’m talking high shelf rums, vodkas, whiskeys) and yes, we had lots on hand to make Daiquiris and Margs). I had tons of cold (some designer, some Coors and Old Milwaukee) beers left over.
Guests down here don’t want it. The non-alcoholic stuff including O’Doul’s disappeared.
Really, judging and “telling” someone else “what is right” just makes ya look small in a big, big world.
Kim-this Troll just got home from a 5 day wedding that cost me over $1,000 (as a guest) not including the gift-oh hell-I forgot the waxing,mani-pedi- 3 new silk saris,shipping from Orissa.Make that $1,791.87.Ouch. Well,if I’m a troll,I’m an upper-class troll but still-ouch. And the wedding I went to this wedding-held at no less than 4 downtown SF hotels-I estimate the cost to have been anywhere from $500,000-$1 million. Good grief Charlie Brown. Was I impressed? Not really. For $3 I can have a lovely cup of latte in the second oldest coffee house in Vienna and listen to a Hungarian string quartet next to the portrait of Sissy. The Palace Hotel is certainly trying. But Cafe Vienna simply is. And they serve my mama’s cucumber salad as well as a really superb blood sausage. Real food.
PS-Kimmy-I don’t know what a high shelf rum is. I”m 5’2. I’m pretty sure I’d need help getting it down or ask a handsome waiter. My son knows all about single and double malts but he’s young and I don’t tell him what to do.I trust he’s been raised correctly with good values. He asked me how could I speak to everyone as if they were my best friend? I’ve taught him we are all cousins of one kind or another in a small small world. He’s embraced this philosophy and become a CEO at the age of 35. Drive, intelligence,and charm didn’t hurt either.Like my husband,he works 7days a week. That has it’s good and it’s bad sides. We called after the Boston Marathon to see if he was alright. He enjoys running marathons. “No,” he said.”Working.” Thank goodness. Now what kind of wedding will he have? Whatever kind he wants. I very much doubt it will be flashy. I know it will include a great many friends from college,be interesting and and unusual. It will be perfect and one of a kind just like him and a complete surprise to us. After all-we’re only guests.
Do a destination wedding!! I’m from a LARGE family and he has a huge network of friends. We invited about 250 people and had 85 show up. Our out of pocket cost for venue, ceremony, high end flowers, 5 course dinner, unlimited alcohol, reception, DJ, fireworks at our first dance, cake, dress cleaning, hotel room done up with rose petals, and the hot tub full when we got back was all just under $10k. NOTE this does not include our costs of getting there, rings, my dress, etc but all in all we were WAY under the $29k average. One of the absolute best parts…not worrying about anything after picking the hotel until the week we got there, then just picking out the venue (beach), flowers, type of ceremony, food, and cake!
I was married 30 years ago (and engaged for 3 weeks!). We and our parents went to the minister’s study in church and were married at 10 a.m. I am sorry that we didn’t have any decnt pictures (we took a few but they aren’t good), and sometimes I wish I had had a bouquet, but what we really wanted was a great honeymoon. That we had! I personally think simpler is better. For those who want an elaborate wedding, the only thing I can say is, do NOT go into debt. And consider an early wedding with an elaborate brunch – different and can be really fun.
I’m from NYC, getting married in Mexico and am spending $30K on my wedding. I am not selfish or greedy nor do I feel what I am doing is unwise. I have certain expectations about what I want my wedding to be. I want it to be a fun celebration of the next stage of my life; spending it with a person that I love, starting a family, an entirely new chapter. I want it to be memorable, fun, beautiful and a way to honor my husband and myself. So to me, $30K is not that much when you think about it.
For anyone to comment about how much a wedding costs is ridiculous. Not my fault nor my care that you spend $200 on your dream wedding. A $200 wedding for me would be far from my dream as it wouldnt even cover the cost of my hair band.
This article is ridiculous and people criticizing the cost of someone else’s wedding they are NOT paying for is equally ridiculous.
Good luck with your wedding 🙂 Truly, not being snarky.
Bravo! Best wishes for a wonderful day and a happy marriage!
CheapCheap, that “cover your plate” “rule” is not, and never has been, a “rule.” It’s another wedding urban myth, spread around by greedy bridezillas out to gouge expensive gifts.
See my post above. Receptions are for the guests, not the couple, and gifts are NEVER required. Otherwise we’d send out invoices instead of invitations.
I call such brides “Gimme Pigs” and here is my answer to them: Get an etiquette book.
1. Since receptions are for the guests, the guest doesn’t have to “cover their plate.”
2. How is the guest supposed to know what you spent?
3. The guest is not responsible for what the couple chose to spend on their wedding and reception.
4. Don’t expect to keep your friends for long since your friendship comes with a price tag.
I agree…..Bride and Groom should never count on recouping anything. if you’re counting on gifts covering the wedding, then you are indeed spending too much.
My fiancé and I are planning our wedding and are only spending what we can afford. We are not expecting any money in return although I am sure some gifts will be monetary. (We don’t NEED them to be though)
your post is spot on
Didn’t say that cover your plate was a rule; I said it was most common in the NY metro area. And no, its not an urban myth either. It has deep roots in many immigrant communities, many of whom are heavily represented in this part of the country. For an example, read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle. There is a scene regarding a Polish wedding where everyone was giving cash to the couple to defray the wedding costs. That’s from about 1900.
Trust me, unless you have your head buried in another body part, it is easy to figure out the ballpark figure of what was paid for a reception based upon location, any description (black tie, etc…), day or evening, and what is being offered for food. Common knowlege is that around here at a fancy catering hall on a Saturday, it’s about $150 plate.
Moreover, no one (except for the exceedingly cheap) really seems to mind, because its very likely that you will be attending or have attended a wedding or event for your guest, where you will be reciprocating the gift.
Again, it is what it is. You don’t like it, don’t attend and do yours differently. But enough with the judgment already. Sounds like barely disguised envy.
I am disabled, I am not cheap.
If you think so little of me that you would rather not have me at your wedding because I cannot cover the cost of my plate, I’d rather not be invited.
Thankfully, none of my friends feel this way.
Oh swell,Barbara. Couldn’t your friend tell from the wedding showers or from meeting the in-laws that they were going to be the type to give bath salts and potpourri? Or is there something missing from this story? I have heard of brides who had so many showers with the same guests invited over and over again,that they felt abused by the actual wedding day. And now,after all these little democratic brides are telling us the reception is meant to please the GUEST,Barbara says -but only if they have coughed up enough cash to cover the plate.OY. THAT’S TAcKY.
Otherwise just send a cheap gift and don’t come-right? Awww. So glad you cared. On your special day. It’s a wonder you didn’t have a drive-thru drop-off slot with a robot mock-up of the 2 mother’s ,waving like the Queen. “Thanks for coming. Next.” I spent less on our wedding than I spent on gardening supplies 2 weeks ago.
But it took me 4-5 months to collect the money for the wedding and only enough time to write a check for the gardening supplies. We were all students back then.Students,teachers, survivors of WWII, the Great depression,etc. You have no idea how thoroughly ridiculous you sound when you say the “bride was devastated (lmao) when she got baskets of bath salts for around $20.” Maybe the guests felt they’d been soaked enough. I’ve lived in all 3 states on the West coast, several in the mid-west and also on the East coast. My circle of acquaintances includes entrepreneurs, Professors, Department Chairs, CEO’s,CFO’s ,CTO’s, artists, and their families. What did they discuss about a wedding of a friend’s child? They mentioned how “odd” they found it that the children had registered for gifts and wanted place settings that cost $350 + each.That was considered rude by the women who were close friends of the parents.The groom had just graduated. I’d never seen him eat off anything but a paper plate so I knew he didn’t care. Aha! They thought the groom’s side could produce loot. from thin air.Two women decided to share the cost of 1 $150 dinner plate. I really would be surprised if they
got even 2 place settings. Our side all had children entering college or in college and were spending every penny on them,not frivolous gifts. My daughter has lived with her Signif.Other for 11 years now. They’ve been together since she started college.He changed schools,she followed. It was like a ping pong game.She finished at SFU. Then as she worked full-time,he finished at Cal-Poly.She moved and tele-commuted. She joined Grad school,and he followed getting an interim position. She finished her MS and moved with him to Louisiana where the University had given him a generous stipend till finishes his Phd and free tuition.She got a great job within weeks and 2 promotions and a 50% raise in 18months.She sold or left behind all her furniture. Money,they have.Roots? No. I’m sure they share that with millions of other’s of their Generation-X-Y? Their good things are here,with us,because we will take care of them.So We have our son’s heirloom silver from his grandparents and Persian rugs for all the children saved till they can be shipped or picked up.Crystal, china, silverware? They couldn’t care less.I suspect this is the i-pad generation. Thank G-d we had a pot luck wedding. No one ever had to explain their circumstances to us.We never counted gifts,costs, or who brought extra friends. We never counted anything. I haven’t heard anything this crazy since the Dear Abby letter where the bride wrote she’d invited 180 guests and gotten 179 gifts. Was it time to write to the offending party yet? It had been a month.
Wow Cheap, Cheap, talk about judgmental. I am explaining how it IS in the NY metro area. Cash bar – considered rude and tacky, because actually as others have pointed out, the wedding is for the couple and the reception actually is for the guests (hence the name “reception”). Here, wedding receptions are mostly formal events and if you are invited to such a reception, which would be evident by the invitation and the listed catering hall, a full open bar is expected and cash is generally expected for a gift. These weddings also tend to be somewhat large, as there is also a lot of pressure to invite distant relatives, friends of parents, work associates, etc… and others who are not exactly in the bride and grooms inner circle. Trust me, when you are shelling out $150 plate for 300+ people (which, of course, is just for the reception and does not include the invitations, ceremony costs, dresses/tuxes, limos, entertainment, photographer/videographer, flowers, cake, wedding party gifts etc….), if someone (outside of close family /friends for whom you wouldn’t care about their ability to pay) can’t cover the cost of their plate, you are not going to be too heart broken that they cannot attend. I would be embarassed if I couldn’t offer an appropriate gift, so, no, out of respect to the bride and groom, I would not attend in such a case and instead send a tasteful gift (I never said Cheap – I’m not you) that I could afford from their registry.
As to my girlfriend, who you so casually defame without knowing the facts, as it was, prior to the wedding she had met his grandparents, parents and siblings but not extended family and friends. The showers were held on Long Island, so no one from his family attended, given that they lived 5 hours away (I believe his immediately family chipped in and got her a bunch of china place settings if I recall correctly). So it was not a case of being soaked with multiple showers, which I agree, does happen. What happened is that the guests from his side of the family did not realize the appropriate etiquette for the event to which they were invited (which was, by the way, “black tie optional” – you’d think that’d be a hint) or just didn’t care, which was rude.
As to my weddding, I will only condescend to respond to your obnoxious comments insofar as to note that everyone had a fabulous time and I still get rave revues from attendees. Neither me, my husband, or our parents with whom we split the various costs, have a single regret about spending one single penny.
I am sorry, but I disagree with the author. It really isn’t ok to spend that much and to say nothing about it out of politeness may be the best thing for your friendship, but it is not really the best thing. Maybe articles like this, which are not targeted at our loved ones, are the way to go. But I do not think it is ok to spend that much on a party.
if you have 30000 extra dollars you could spend on a party, while tens of thousands of people are starving to death, thousands of species are going extinct and the climate is changing, then you are being selfish. end of story.
oh Dan, are you serious?…..exactly what is achieved by complaining to the bride about the cost of her wedding? How does that change or make things any different or better.
I personally give to many charities, ASPCA, Kidney Foundation, north shore animal League. I sponsor families for the holidays purchasing presents for entire families with multiple children.
My wedding cost right now is 15K and rising every day. I don’t have time to cook the food myself or grow flowers in a garden to use, so I have to pay people for this and it is EXPENSIVE. Am I not entitled to a nice wedding because someone doesn’t know how to go down to social services and acquire food stamps or file for unemployment and medicaid? I truly feel for others but I also work very hard everyday. Can I not splurge on the most important day of my life? (and I’m trying to be as frugal as possible whilst maintaining some sort of elegance)
The bottom line is do what makes you happy; however, in certain situations, you may get some blow back. I live in the NY Metro area. Weddings here are a big deal. I come from a working class background and my father was an immigrant (Irish), my husband was from a middle class family, 2d and 3d generation immigrants (Italian/German). Even though we were not wealthy, our wedding cost about $30K almost 14 years ago. A cash bar was not an option for us; right or wrong, it would have been considered incredibly tacky and rude to expect guests to pay for alcohol, and I have to say I agree with that one. People would also look down their noses at fake flowers, with which I am less concerned, as some silk flowers can look lovely as others have indicated. On the flip side, while some people do give gifts, it is most common and usually most welcome to give cash in an amount sufficient enough to cover the cost of your plate at the reception (when I got married, that would have been about $100; now probably at least $150, erring on the side of giving more than less). This is so that cost of the reception, or at least part of it, is defrayed by the guests. (Interestingly, I’ve noticed that my wealthier friends give gifts as opposed to cash and received mostly the same at their weddings; my guess is because they need the cash less and have no concerns regarding paying for the party itself). I would make an effort to inform yourself as to the local etiquette applicable to any event you attend as a guest. My girlfriend married someone from upstate New York, where things were considerably less formal, and was devestated when almost all the guests on his side showed up at her expensive West. Co. wedding and gave gifts like $20 baskets of potpourri and bath salts (while some were wearing jeans and plaid shirts to boot!). If I were invited to a wedding and couldn’t afford to cover the plate, I would either not go and send a small gift, or if I were very close to the people getting married, I would explain my situation to them and apologize in advance. (Some of my friends were students and had little money, so I understood and didn’t expect them to cover their plates).
I had this problem as well. I am from Long Island, and my husband is from a rural area. We made the decision to have the wedding be black tie so his family wouldn’t come in jeans and t-shirts (and we wanted a formal affair anyway). Some people on his side gave a very small gift or no gift at all, but we didn’t really care because we weren’t having the wedding for the gifts. It was a rather elaborate affair, and everyone had a blast; in fact, some members of his family still talk about our wedding, which was 9 years ago, as the best one they’ve ever been to. To me, it was on par with most weddings I attend out here, but to them it was really special.
Local customs dictate gifts in a big way. Here in the NY metro area, it is not really customary to give a physical gift – money is the way most gifts go. I think, out of 200 guests, we had maybe 5 physical gifts to take home. It’s just not something that is really done here. However, in other areas of the country, it is rude and offensive to give money as a gift. I have had to figure out what is appropriate for weddings I have attended in different places. It can get tricky.
I don’t think we should judge how two individuals decide to plan their wedding. Furthermore, depending on where you live will also decipher the price tag of a wedding. I got married in June 2012, and my wedding cost about 45-50k. I live about 5 miles from NYC, in New Jersey. Not sure if anyone on this board is familiar with North NJ but large backyards are not very common. It’s urban and suburban. So having a backyard wedding was not something that would be accommodating or manageable (my parents house is on .2 acres of land). So in looking for a wedding venue the prices ranged from 130-210 per person. Granted you also have to add in the 20% tax and tip they charge per person, bringing the price up even more. We only had 130 guest at our wedding and it was really perfect. I had a wedding because I got to marry the most lovely man in the world, so for us, the wedding was this amazing great party, but it was just the tip of the iceberg, because after it was over we knew we are lucky to spend our lives together!! I’ve been to weddings of lower budget in other areas of the country and had just as much fun. I don’t think the cost of the wedding dictates that. I guess really its about respecting others and judging them without knowing anything about their choices.
Again, well said. No ones business what someone else spends. Some of the more judgemental comments on here are really uninformed. Maybe the bride and groom donated a lot of money to charity, maybe they helped out other family members during a crisis. My point of course is not that they “should” but that we have no idea, and judgement that is formed on uniformed information is just that, uninformed judgement. I apologize for the wordage of my thoughts, but I couldn’t think of a better turn of phrase! I dislike “holier than thous.”
My wedding, like most was in the middle of super budget deal and gala movie event. One of the funnier things I have found about this endless thread is that the people posting to it seems to be at those ends of the spectrum more often than not. What I think is MUCH more important than how much you spend is what you do for your guests. By this I mean, if you are having a dinnertime reception, it is way better to feed everyone KFC and slaw in the backyard then beautiful tiny gawd I’m hungry now apps at some hotel you could not really afford. Alcohol? I think better wine out of box and good old American beer then buy your own soda (let alone alcohol) so the big poofy dress can be purchased at 1K instead of 200 bucks. I think when you send out invites that cost 5 bucks a piece but have a cake only reception at 6:00 PM, you have your priorities wrong. I have seen ALL of that at weddings where people could not really afford what they were doing and cut corners on the their guests. Believe me, people want dinner not an overpriced invite that lands in the trash for all but your dearest friends and closest family. Best wedding I went to in the past few years was in a park with homemade picnic food, done by the family and beer and wine. The bride and groom wore their ren fest costumes. It was a blast! 100 people came, and I believe the bride said it all cost around 1, 500 – they had enough for the down payment on a house AND a Hawaiian honeymoon for one week and the guests had a great time.
Whether a wedding or bar mitzvah or christening or whatever, It’s incredibly RUDE to ask guests to pay for anything. Whether you are having booze or not is beside the point. Don’t be so freaking cheap. If you cannot afford alcohol do not serve it. It will be fine without it. It looks awful to ask someone to pay for a drink at a party you are throwing, whatever the occasion.
I believe it used to be 3 months salary. But are you by any chance E.Romney??? “For any reasonably intelligent person, that is far more than $30k”
You’re telling me the average salary for a young man starting out in life is $180,000? On which planet? I can quote you regional salaries for VP, CEO,and CTO for a variety of hi-tech companies in the Silicon Valley,Seattle and Boston areas. This is where the jobs are and the highest salaries remain. We are not including bankers.The time will come when they will be rounded up and marched off to jail.They do not provide a service and will not be missed. Are you including the “Breaking Bad” second salaries-non-declared? Or were you joking? We have 3 children ,all grown. None of them fit your profile. They aren’t even “average” firemen or schoolteachers who certainly don’t make $180,000 a year.My son has been working since high school and is now CEO of his own company. If and when he marries,she may have to buy her own.He has a reputation for being thrifty.Our daughter just got her 2nd promotion and raise and still-not $18o,000. What am I missing? Some super job at Safeway?
Good Morning Cheap-Cheap
I am responding from your post on March 26, 2013. You were trying to think of a compmany or job that pay’s $ 180.00 yearly-well I work for a non-profit organizations and the executive director makes $ 189.00 a year. I just wanted to say there are jobs that pay that much and more.
Beverly,
Of course there are jobs that pay more than $180.000 a year. But are they commonly available to the average 25-30 old man planning to get married in ,let’s say,Wichita,Kansas? Can you expect to earn $180,000 and more after graduating from some Ohio University ? Of course not. We’ve had good times and times that were miserable . Our family was never there to cheer us on which made it much worse. The kids ridiculed their father and told him to get some low-level $30,000 engineering job and for the 2 of us to abandon our house and move into a 1 bedroom apartment.They called me lazy, stupid,etc. I hadn’t worked in years because I was home with 3 children cooking and helping my husband and entertaining and taking them to dance and recitals or teaching the steps,going to TKD 3 times a week plus Saturday practices, restoring furniture,remodeling a 4,000 sq ft house at the same time as tackling my husband’s office remodel and decorating it as well. At some points in his career,he worked 2 jobs and I would cook and bring the kids into work and feed the staff with a family style picnic ,red plaid table cloth and all. I was also head of personel.But he was in a risky field.We closed,shifted to Cali,bought a house, then that company closed,and husband commuted for 6 years while I did it all.
9/11 was another blow.I’m glad you know a manager who makes $189,000.
We went into foreclosure election day 2007.Our house flooded the following year. We never unpacked the last 300 boxes. I call it a lack of optimism. We lived on that monthly $1500 unemployment check for 2 years. THREE lawyers and others to run with our money-$9,000/$6,000/ $5,000 before we found a semi honest lawyer and a very honest lawyer and 4 who simply turned us down, saying there was no chance in hell. But we were the couple who had the $350 wedding. Our children were soft,but we were still tough. When our house flooded, I saw it as a blessing. Our youngest ran away,saying we were too poor and moved in with her boyfriend’s family. Rats deserting a sinking ship. She hasn’t been back. Christmas,we had an empty house,concrete floor, no tree,gifts,food,decorations,family,nothing. A phone call might have been nice. Time was kind to them.They prospered and I didn’t have to worry too much.Thank G-d they left us alone and didn’t interfere. Nobody wants to eat a couple of tough old birds so we hung on and made our 1st house payment on election Day 2011.We also filed bankruptcy so we’re still hanging on. It’s been 4 1/2 years now. The bank tells us “they’re looking into it.” Yeah. I’ve heard that before. We just wanted an adjusted loan amount but they said he didn’t make enough.Isn’t that where the adjustment part comes in? We’ve made 9 house payments since he got a new job.The usual trial period is 3 months.-Oh-and Beverly-he makes that $30,000 our son wanted him to earn and the $189,000 your boss seems to make as well. It’s still not enough in the good old U.S.of A. to qualify for a mortgage adjustment. I hope you read that carefully. He makes
$224,000 and it’s still not considered enough to make a house payment. I have the sneaky feeling if he made $324,000,it wouldn’t be enough. either.,
I don’t understand this article at all. Doesn’t the old adage still hold that you spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring? For any reasonably intelligent person, that is far more than $30k. Why would you at least spend as much on a wedding as you spend on a single piece of jewelry? What a bunch of nonsense.
Wow, you must be rich to think that two months salary exceeds 30k!
Elizabeth,
I have a PhD from Harvard and a good job, and $30k is rather more than two months income for me! Do yourself a favor and check out the wage distribution by education level, from the Bureau of Labor Statistics:
http://www.bls.gov/emp/ep_chart_001.htm
The highest paid group has a professional degree, and on median earns $1700 per week, or about $16,000 in two months. Before taxes.
Stephen ,
My husband didn’t get a PhD from Harvard. He had to drop out because,well-he was a horny little devil in the habit of making poor personal decisions.So when he felt love,he applied to USC which was 2,000 miles away. He got a T.A position and a scholarship but we all know it’s not the school. It’s not the degree. It’s the field you choose and timing and politics and location and what’s hot at the moment and where you live, and dozens of other factors plus good old luck. My son has a Bachelor’s degree in Philosophy and Economics from Pomona. He wishes now he’d listened to us and taken more math. Still,he got a job with Deutsche Bank,became the youngest Director ever at Yahoo,quit,moved to Seattle,lived on his savings,and began his own company. He lasted 2 years and Google funded him this spring. Yup. His philosophy? Make money. My husband switched from Solid State Physics to Bio-Med and got 3 Masters Degrees between 74 and 76. Even without a PhD, he made that amount by the mid 80’s. My daughter, after 2 years on the job and the stipend from the U,makes that amount now.Inflation.Deflation. The experts say all that is impossible. They haven’t my children.Will they have flashy weddings? Not a chance. It takes more than a decent salary to pay for those kinds of weddings.It takes more than 2 decent salaries. It takes a fortune. Oh well. It’s not my problem. But having now gone to a completely over the top wedding and seen what’s like,I couldn’t help but think half the cost would still have been excessive but the money saved could have revitalized an entire area in India where they have a system of giving micro-loans to individuals -amounts as small as $100=5000 rupees in India.This is enough to launch a small enterprise. How to have your cake and eat it too-literally.
I spent $5000 for flowers alone on my wedding day. When you get married you get taken for a ride. It’s an industry.
If they have the money, can afford it, and want to spend the money this way – how is it anyone else’s business? Would anyone bat an eye if they spent $30000 on a car when they could get a used one for $5000?
Agreed. My wife and her family don’t drink (for religious reasons), and we had our reception in the church fellowship hall followed by a party at her parents’ house (she’s from a very small town without a lot of other venues for receptions in any case). Out of respect for the rules of the church where we had the reception and the wishes of my mother- and father-in-law, we didn’t serve alcohol at either location. There was no problem with non-attendance by my friends or family (including the heavy drinkers, some of whom had to travel quite a distance); I did let folks know in advance (by personal communication) that no alcohol would be served for religious reasons, and no one had a problem with that.
On the cheapness front, I’ve been to weddings where clearly people had spent tens of thousands of dollars, and weddings at someone’s house with chips and dip in the backyard afterwards, and everything in between. I’m always happy to be invited, in any case. I have always been under the impression that people invite you to their wedding because they want to share this special day with you, and that people that accept an invitation to a wedding are supposed to be doing so because they are happy to share that day (if I’m not happy to share the day, I decline the invitation, which is simple enough). And that it is every bit as rude for a guest to complain about their hosts’ hospitality as it would be for the hosts to complain about the value of the gifts their guests bring (or fail to bring).
That sounds lovely! I feel the same. I have heard of brides who are in tears the whole wedding day because they are so concerned that everything is perfect for their guests and photos. I know bride’s families that are taking out a loan or draining their retirement because the bride “needs” to have an open bar, or live band, or beautiful decor, so as not to be “looked down upon”. Or couples that are angry and jealous that their family is not footing a large bill for them, while their friends enjoy a $25 000 wedding paid for by their family. It’s sad, and the wedding industry thrives on this pressure.
In the end, it is just a wedding. There should be no financial or etiquette pressure to it. It is a celebration. It can be celebrated however the couple feels like celebrating. There should be no expectation on a host or a guest, but guests do need to be informed about air conditioning on a hot day, water, mileage, length btw ceremony/reception, if there is a dance, cash bar, etc. They can then decline an invite if their needs aren’t going to be satisfied to their liking.
Well said!
You have an idea of what any occasion will be like usually before you go based on either the invitation, gossip, how well you know the hosts, etc. If you’re too good for the occasion – do everyone else a favor and don’t go!
Guests don’t dictate the formality of an occasion – the hosts do.
It is NOT rude not to serve alcohol, however.
The couple shouldn’t mention gifts.
At all.
Even if they don’t want them. To do so is to hint that they were otherwise expected.
Registry information, or “we don’t want gifts” NEVER goes into wedding invitations.
Disagree on the “no gifts please” part. I do not care what any book says – you get to say you do not want gifts. I no longer give gifts, actually. I give cards. I don’t do gifts because I must have given five wedding gifts with no form of “thank you” involved (nice ones!), and wedding gifts are passe. They were intended, originally to help young people start up a household. Now days, couple often have so much stuff they have to donate things to charity just to have enough room to move in together. That’s how it is when you are 32 and professionally employed as so many are now. Back when our mom’s and grandmas were loaded up with gifts, they were often 18 year olds without a pan to call their own.
All these rules-who made them? I just got a formal wedding invitation that includes Accommodations,directions,websites,parking elevator entrances, and
NO BOXED GIFTS PLEASE. What does that mean? If I buy them a monkey,I should just send it to the house? I mail the gift in a box to their new home-where? I’m allowed to bring unwrapped gifts,hookers,condoms,cars, a freezer,a year’s supply of Tootsie Rolls, gold,3 Troy ounces, cash? Apparently we’ve found another miscreant wedding planner who hasn’t read it.I’m pretty sure they had a planner. Can’t wait to see what the bride will wear. A sari? A white gown? A gown made out of a white sari?A selection of 5 / 6 wedding dresses (traditional)
but each one costs $3,000+ for the various ceremonies before,during and after the actual wedding. I hate crowds. I suffer from a mild case of Agoraphobia,and if we don’t go, our relatives in India will never stop talking about it. Besides,I’ve already shopped for everything but the NO BOXED GIFTS PLEASE. Someone tell me what that means?
Easy. It means they want cash. Tacky.
It means they want cash money. Which means you don’t give it to them. I suggest finding an aunt or grandmother to crochet them some dishcloths or frilly doilies.
No to both of you. Apparently,their website says they’re “going green” so I chose items from the things they’d selected. So boring and dull and gray it was not to be believed.Who wants to give one dinner plate? If I screwed up,it was their directions. I picked 5-6 items that were to my taste and not made in China,signed the guest book ,and shipping was painless.But Christilynn is right bought the cost for gusts. This one is in an upscale venue in San Francisco but it will take place over the span of 5 days. Since it’s exactly one week before our anniversary and we always have our vacation around then. We will just splurge a little.We could drive to SF in 2 to 2 1/2 hour but once we got downtown,parking and finding our location could add an hour.Driving home at midnight,for the 3rd time in a week was fun 30 years ago but not anymore. So I booked 2 nights in the hotel for the night before and the wedding night. We are family in this case and relatives will be flying in from India and Singapore and the East coast and possibly Australia. I could make do with the clothes I have but I’m pretty sure he’s getting a car just in time so I will be getting a new outfit.Just one.I can’t compete with women flying in straight from New Delhi and Kolkata. But yes, airfare or travel expenses and food plus misc,clothes, gifts,vacation time,it all adds up.
To Cheap Cheap- lol about the monkey!!!!!
Cash bars are not “regional.” That’s an excuse used by couples who don’t want to pay for liquor. A bride on a wedding board tried to tell me that cash bars are “regional” in Texas, and if I lived there, I’d know that. I was happy to tell her that I’m from Austin!
Receptions are NOT for the couple. They are FOR THE GUESTS, which is why they are called receptions. The couple RECEIVES their guests who attended their ceremony, thanks them for attending the ceremony, is formally presented to society for the first time as a married couple. Hospitality (food and drink)is served to those who attended, since one never hosts a social function of any kind (in this case, the ceremony) without serving refreshments appropriate to the time of day. Receptions are not, and never have been, an after-wedding party for the bride and groom. The parties for the couple are engagement parties, bridal showers and bachelor(ette) parties.
It is therefore rude to ask the guests to pay for anything, or to bring food (potluck) to the reception. Treat your guests properly, or don’t invite them.
Don’t use that tacky excuse about, “Well, if they really care about you….” because friendship goes both ways. It stops being “your day” when you involve others in it, and they took time out of their lives to attend your wedding, and probably bring a gift.
Don’t say, “Well, we aren’t having a ‘traditional’ wedding,” either. TRADITION and ETIQUETTE are two entirely different things.
If your friends and family OFFER to help, or cook food, that’s fine. Making them work your wedding isn’t an honor for them.
My wife and I had no wedding party at all, largely because of people like you. We went to the Courthouse. Our wedding planning consisted of scheduling a Friday off from work and buying the marriage license.
I’d wanted to marry in our back yard, with our parents present. That would have led to inviting my wife’s extended family, which would have led to some sort of “society wedding” as you describe,with a couple thousand people attending. Because of this, my wife insisted on going to the courthouse and telling our parents afterwards. We had our day to ourselves.
We’ve been together 24 years thus far. Neither one of us regrets getting married the way we did, either. I would have liked to have my parents there with us, but my wife was right about where it would have led to involve her family.
Why are you text screaming? That is so tacky. And rude.
And I do say. I don’t agree with your rationale. It’s judgmental-the bad kind. I will be enjoying cash bar weddings as I always have. And having one of my own. Heck, I would pay for my own food so long as it was affordable, and be graceful about it. I’d only bring a small gift in that case, though. I attend a wedding to celebrate a union of people I love, not with the expectation of being catered to.
Paul, it’s not about having a “society wedding.” When you invite guests, you are obligated to host them properly. This means you offer them refreshments appropriate to the time of day. You serve a full meal if the wedding falls during a traditional meal hour (11-2, or 5-8). If it doesn’t, then serve some wedding cake and punch. It doesn’t mean spending thousands of dollars.
I DID get married in my backyard, and my wedding cost less than a thousand dollars. Dress from David’s Bridal’s $99 sale. Table and chair rental – $200. Music on CDs we mixed ourselves. Drinks in iced party tubs – $80. Food catered from a local barbecue restaurant – just under $500. Fifty guests. We DIYed our invitations.
The wedding can be as formal or casual as the couple wishes, so long as proper etiquette is followed. That’s all it’s about. TRADITION and ETIQUETTE are two different things. FORMAL and ETIQUETTE are two different things. ETIQUETTE and SPENDING MONEY have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
Emily, I”m not shouting. The capitalization is for emphasis, as in printed books. It’s not considered shouting in a book.
We had a cash bar at my wedding for a few reasons; the wedding we had was a small affair and it was a luncheon, it was at the edge of the Grand Canyon were we both worked, and we flew friends out on our own dime and gave one of them a lens. (He shot our wedding and we also partied with them for the whole weekend.) It was a great day. Mind you this was our second marriage; my first one was small; we got married at an art museum; had an all you could eat omelette party back at our apartment and people were crammed but it was fun. We did have booze for that one but no-one touched it.AT ALL. So it doesn’t matter.
“a bride” is correct. The reception is definitely about the guests. I personally could care less about cash bar or not, but *free* beverages of some sort are absolutely required, especially if the reception is a dinner and dance. Expecting people to attend a mid or late afternoon wedding, followed by dinner and then a dance, with only perhaps 1 small glass of wine and one of water with the meal, but nothing before or after is not an example of the hosts thinking of their guests. The hosts expecting guests to pay for beverages during a dance (it gets hot!) is rude. The host needs to at least provide water for free, preferably punch and coffee or other suitable beverages. They don’t have to be alcoholic in my opinion. The host is not only asking guests to share the cermony, they are inviting the guests to a reception (a party) and appropriate food and beverages for the time of day are required. In mid afternoon, just punch and cake is sufficient – there is nothing about treating guests properly that requires huge amounts of money to be spent.
A bride thinking she can have the “looks” of a big fancy wedding but entirely on the cheap – nuts. Some things can be done cheaply – no limo, no super expensive magazine quality photos/videos, no professional hair/makeup, no $1k+ dress, … the list goes on. Thinking you can cheat the guests – think again, they will remember it. I went to the wedding of a friend, 180-ish guests, where the wedding was a 3 pm. We drove to the reception 20 min away, but dinner was not served until after 8 pm. There was no punch, no nothing before the meal. Not even a drinking fountain, only a cash bar, one bartender, and a line for it horribly long. Sorry, I don’t like paying $3-5 for a coke. The food, when finally served, was very cheap, and somewhat scant (1 small piece of chicken, hard crumbly bun, veg, pototo). After dinner, same story, no free beverages whatsoever. There was a dance, it was hot! We left by 10 pm. It was not fun at all.
I feel bad, the bride is my friend. I feel she wanted the look of a big wedding with all the guests, limo, fancy dress, etc. She could not afford what she really wanted, and so guests were neglected instead of the wedding being downsized either in number of guests or “fanciness.” She should have had an evening 7-ish pm ceremony, with dessert afterward, and a dance then if desired, and I know the dance was important to her. There are solutions to the money issue if people are creative – totally neglecting guests is not, however, a solution.
For the record, in 2004 I had a 230 guest wedding for about $13k (paid for almost entirely by me). No limo, no video, no fancy chair covers (insane), photos but not an expensive fancy photographer as is the fashion then and now. Wedding at church, recepetion at an orchard (inside), dance w/ dj, china/linen, lots of real flowers (in season for local florist who has a ‘flower farm’ for bouquets, etc., and ordered flowers from CA for centerpieces made by myself and mother the day before), 4 cases of wine and a keg of beer served by orchard owners’ son (I purchased, and ended the night with half of each left, but my plan was ‘when it’s gone, it’s gone’). Food – before the dinner there was a buffet of cut fruit, olives, etc. for all, plus beverages (coffee, tea, punch, soda, lemonade, the previously mentioned alcohol). For dinner there was pulled beef, turkey, buns, au gratin pototoes, italian pasta salad, green beans, salad, sparkling cider, water, wine. There was cake, and enough for a *large* piece for all, also cookies and brownies. And as mentioned before (and important to me), free beverages of all sorts during the dance, but the plan was when the alcohol is gone, it’s gone (not interested in any drunks at my wedding in any case). It *is* possible to have a lot of good quality, but admitedly non-fancy, food at a wedding. I could have done fancy food, and kind of wanted to at first, but I knew it would mean cutting guests and I wanted all the family to be together more importantly. I still think I spent a ridiculous amount, but articles like this one make me think, well, maybe not! 😉
I agree with everything you said, A bride, but I will say something: I do think cash bars are regional, or maybe more specifically, they are more acceptable in certain parts of the country. I live on Long Island, and I had never even heard of a cash bar. It is not done here. When we went to look for places for our own wedding, it was not given as an option – and we got price quotes from 5 different places. The options started with the type of liquor – for example, the price per head is more expensive if you choose top shelf liquor. Now, I know that you can most likely request a cash bar, or no bar at all, at any catering hall if that is what you choose – but I have never, ever seen anything like that around here. However, in other area of the country where I have attended weddings, cash bars seem to be much more accepted. So I do think it is regional. But I am with you – no guest, especially one who is traveling and then giving you a gift, should have to pay for their own food or drink.
Fake flowers-tacky. Cash bar-regional,perhaps. I married a Hindu.It wasn’t even an issue. My friends were all under 25 and few of them had finished school or moved out on their own. Wedding presents were not what I was expecting from them. Their obvious talents so far were folk song singing and friendship.I’d invited them for moral support and advice. They suggested that I add a slip of paper telling the guests the the wedding was a pot luck, AND THAT NO GIFTS WERE EXPECTED. only their company,love,and good wishes. Since the event was open to the entire, we added phone number to coordinate the items.But I provided the majority of the food and it magically appeared thanks to my friends who must have known I was in a serious fog. It wasn’t tacky.It was simple. It was in step with the times.My religion frowned on ostentation or ritual.We weren’t proud of being poor.We weren’t Quakers & we didn’t make a point of it and dress differently. We just kept things simple. I’d considered a bouquet with parsley and baby’s breath. Whimsy. I like the High Tea idea for a wedding.Sounds very doable. Backyard barbecue-also a wonderful idea.
It was fun. I hope you can say the same. If you had a hangover or a fight or threw up and cried because something was late,early,too small,big, loud, the wrong color,or broke,got lost, tore,dropped, whatever, then next time,have a a simpler one. Look-they say the economy is going to get worse before it gets better. I’m putting my money into fruit trees and vegetable seeds. It looks like rain to me.
I am from a small farm town in nys…not ny city… When my husband and I got married we were 25 and still paying for his college and living in a mobile home until we could get the down payment to start building our own home. We catered summer parties for a side job. Our wedding was in our local church and my 8 bridesmaids each carried one rose…. I had a bouquet. My bridesmaids and I made all of the side dishes the 2 days before the wedding, all sitting around a kitchen laughing and enjoying each others company. The groomsmen cooked the bbq chicken on big cookers the day of the wedding. My church and reception flowers were all of the peonies our families could find in the area (we planned around this season). Our cake was a small one made by an aunt and homeade strawberry shortcake made by my mol. Our friend took pictures and they turned out wonderful. We had 300 guests/family and our friend played guitar (he does this for a living, but it was our gift). We spent $1,300 on everything during the months before the wedding. 20 years later, people still tell me that it was the best. Sometimes a lot of really good, artistic, and loving friends and family is all you really need to make a special day!! And of course there isn’t anything like country hospitality.
You’re the one who is cheap. A potluck reception? Paper in the invitations about gift information?
Why did your wedding need “moral support”? Weddings are supposed to be a happy time. “Support” is for tragedies.
Fake flowers aren’t “tacky.” Silk flowers can be lovely, and even wealthy brides use them. Wealthy brides also feed their guests properly, so they should know.
My silk hydrangeas cost three times as much as fresh ones and they were gorgeous. I’ve been married a decade and still have them in various places around my house.
A problem in the US today is the glamorization of celebrities, weddings, McMansions, and other non-essential things. I like articles such as this one as it knocks some of the “everyone is doing it, so you HAVE TO” attitude off. No, not everyone is spending almost a year’s worth of medial household income on a single day. The list of “HAVE TO”s for weddings these days are ridiculous. There is no wedding frill that will improve your marriage. If you’re having a big wedding more because you want a big party rather than a solid marriage, have a big party and stay single.
I always wonder who these “average” couples are who are having these “average” weddings. 30K is the “average” cost of a wedding in my area….but when you read the articles, you find that they are “Steve, an investment banker, and his fiance Monica, a marketing executive” or “Adam, an attorney, and his fiance Denise, a pediatrician.” You never read about “John, a fireman, and his fiance Betsy, a teacher” or “Jeremy, a gas station attendant, and his fiance Tammy, a bank teller.”
These are NOT “average” weddings.
What happened to wedding cake, punch and coffee and sandwiches in the church hall in the afternoon? Those accounted for 90% of the weddings I attended in childhood, yet the bridal magazines insist you are “rude” if you don’t offer a full meal and open bar “because your guests came from out of town.” Well, so did guests in my childhood, and they never complained!
Half the stuff the wedding industry insists you “have” to have isn’t necessary at all, and your bridesmaids don’t “owe” a bride a shower or a bachelorette party, either. (When did bachelorettes get started? I never heard of those until about fifteen years ago). Now you see all this lists of “duties” bridemaids are supposed to do, or they are “bad” friends. Some couples are even urged to start registries to get their guests to pay for their honeymoons, or hold fundraiser parties to help cover the cost of their weddings.
Couples who elope, or married quickly due to pregnancy or military deployments are having re-dos months or years later, complete with white dresses and bridal showers. (My parents didn’t complain about their courthouse wedding when he left for Vietnam!)
When did weddings become an entitlement????
Those weddings are called “average” by people who have a vested interest in convincing others to spend money on weddings.
My wife and I went to the courthouse and got married, with a courthouse staffer as our witness. We cooked dinner at our home for some friends afterwards, and didn’t tell them we’d married that day until after dinner.
We’ve been together for 24 years.
I know quite a few couples who threw lavish weddings, and were divorced before the wedding bills were paid.
If people want to spend a lot of money on their wedding, that’s their business, but it’s also their business if they choose not to. It’s the “wedding industry” that has a sense of “entitlement.”
You are a very sensible bride.
He’s a man, he’s the groom. 😉
My future husband and I are choosing to elope and have a reception afterwards. However, we both have a lot of people who love us and he comes from a well to do family. I have shared my heart about not spending a lot of money when we can utilize that money in other places. He has agreed that it is alright with him to be simple in costs. Everyone is entitled to spend what they want on their wedding day but from different posts on various sites that I have read, those who kept theirs simple was able to enjoy the intimacy of their day as people commented on the specialness of the ceremony versus those who had lavish ceremonies and only had people talking about how decorated and lovely the venue(s) are (were). Now I see why some celebrities are so simple on their special day. makes sense and I am going along with the “simplicity” crowd.
That stuff is only average according to wedding magazines who are in the business of selling weddings and all of their overpriced crap.
It’s understandable to want to criticize other people’s stupid decisions – I get it. And sometimes spending a lot of money on a wedding can be a stupid decision (for example, if the people paying for it can’t afford it). But it need not be. There are plenty of couples who spend a lot on their weddings who go on to have happy, solid marriages, and who value their family and friends just as much as those who spend little money do,, just as there are couples who spend a lot of their wedding who are just interested in showing off. There are all types, and sweeping generalizations are almost never true.
I also understand frustration with the expectation that one must spend a lot of money on a wedding – that must be obnoxious. Personally, though, I don’t feel this expectation – I’m sure my friends would be equally happy to go to a catered affair with gorgeous flowers and a ceremony in a park followed by a backyard cookout.
A lot of the comments on here are resentful of people’s ability to spend money, or critical of people’s spending money on non-essential things when, truly, so many of the world’s people lacks essential things. These are well and good as opinions, but don’t have anything to do with weddings in particular.
Here’s a rule of thumb no matter how much money you feel comfortable spending: Spend as much money and time planning your marriage as you do your wedding. Your wedding is one day (which will be the fastest day of your life by the way). If you just focus on how great one day will be and don’t plan for your lives together (both financially and emotionally) then you are kind of missing the point of marriage.
Well now we’re at an impasse, because some people would rather have the right to drink at a wedding than attend the wedding at all. Personally, I’ve never been at a wedding that served more than a token toast. Am I the only one who still thinks a wedding is a celebration of the love between 2 people and it’s announcement to the community at large and NOT how many people can we afford booze for?
I should clarify. I married an Indian so we had lots of large parties other than weddings and the standing rule was, “of course you can bring your brother and his wife along with you since he’s visiting. And your mother as well. And how many children do they have?” It wasn’t uncommon to invite 40 to 50 guests for a birthday party and end up with 60. We hosted concerts in our home because we were willing to remove the furniture and cook 10 or 12 dishes on 2 days notice. We’ve never been rich people. We did this at our own expense. We did it once or twice a month. Can you imagine being held to your ridiculous guest standards? People were treated to restaurant quality Indian dinners with a fish, a chicken and a lamb dish, lentils of some variety, chutney-home made, pickles, appetizers, breads, salads, 2 or 3 home made desserts, and a variety or vegetable curries. No one asked for alcohol. Some could barely move as it is. That’s what happens when you indulge in 3rd helpings.
Our biggest party was to celebrate our daughter’s 1st rice at 9 months. Literally-when she eats her first rice. It’s almost as big as a wedding. We had 150 guests. The horoscope decided the day. We had moved into the house 3 days before and it was being remodeled. The electricity went off at one point. I had to borrow 5 grills and even with 6 we were grilling Tandoori chicken from 6 am till noon. I estimated 250-300 pieces of chicken. The total cost for food was slightly over $300. We lived in a beautiful 4,000 sq ft house with an atrium on an acre and a quarter. The new deck had been built. The new hardwood floors were in. We left blankets out for people to sit on and the family room and dining room doors open for people to wander in and out or grab a chair. The neighbors didn’t mind a bit. We had moved from a development across the way and 4 houses up so they were all invited too. It was a massive success and we always invite the children so I guess when we party it’s a whole different party. 1 of the attendees said the place would be ideal for her daughter’s wedding. We’ve moved since then.But if one of the kids wants a back yard wedding, I stand at the ready. But they will decide what they want. I doubt Booze will be the first item on the must have list however.
in my experience, asking people who have good skills to help you with your wedding is not only a good way to keep within a budget, but it gives them an opportunity to not have to buy a present for the couple. i have done wedding cakes for family, and yes, it can be a pain to work instead of making the day all about fun…but i make it my gift to them, and we both win. i know several photogs who have done the same thing. it can be a lifesaver for a budget, and if their family/friends do not want to contribute their skills or time for the wedding or reception, they can simply say no. i have done that as well, with no hard feelings for either party. while i do believe one should not bypass their guests comfort, i also believe that they should be forgiven for not preparing thigns to the standards of other people.
Just my observation, but the “pull out all the stops” weddings have a life cycle of less than 5 years. Is it because the couple focus on the wedding and not the marriage? If you dreamed of your fairytale wedding all your life, perhaps the focus should be in dressing up and playing, Marriage is not a game and the commitment should not be taken lightly.
As everybody says, how much one spends on their wedding is their own business. But I struggle to understand how a couple who rents or maybe own a small house and have average paying jobs can afford to pay a 30k wedding. It’s like I live in the slums but I drive a Ferrari. Given it would be my own business, it would just be tasteless. And not to mention: if your wedding is a big party for a lot of people (meaning more than 20), then you need to worry about those people and if they are having fun. If you dont care about them being annoyed at having to buy their own drinks, or about them eating decent food, then dont even bother to invite them. Whatever your budget, make it work for the best party for the number of people you can afford. Dont throw a 200 guests wedding on a 5000 budget because thats just recipe for disaster, or ask your friends to do things like cook at your wedding or take photos because you are too cheap to hire a photographer, they will end up resenting you. If you dont consider pictures important enough to hire a photographer, then dont have pictures taken. If flowers and adornments mean nothing to you, then dont waste money in fake flowers or cheap dollar store china, just go without. Dont have money for a nice meal for 200 people? Either go with a nice meal for 50, or have a wedding where no food is served (but tell your guests, I was recently at a wedding where no food was served and nobody knew so after 30 minutes we all left to go eat).
Trying to stay on a low budget and still wanting everything out of a wedding will just have your friends and family label you cheap and talk about how awful your wedding was. Is that what you want? If your answer is you dont care about those comments from people, then you shouldnt have invited them to begin with. If you invite them, take good care of them.
Hazel-Fairy tales have happy endings and then there are the ones with big bad witches. I hope yours has a super happy ending because you already know the value of what you have so whether you toast with Moet Chandon or Sparkling Cider, the spirit will be heartfelt.
My husband (this oct.31st)were married by the local judge because we are broke due to his leukemia medical bills.Everyone dreams of a fairy tale wedding,he has his life,we have each other and we are a priceless love affair only needing each other.Be sure to keep loving each other people and remember that money could go to a house, a college fund, or any other more rational and tangible thing.
Thank you for sharing that – I have tears in my eyes – I wish you a long, happy marriage.
Wow Johnny-You spent $70,000 and got gifts worth $100,000. Since you’re rounding in such grand terms,we know you have no real sense of what the actual money spent or received is…but for the average person, $30,000 profit is NOT breaking even. Never in my life will I ever get $100,000 worth of gifts if I live to be 100 years old. I’ve been embarrassed when a house maid spent 250 rupees on me as a farewell gift.$275 will support a child or 12 months at Children International,paying for school,food,gifts,inoculations, and family emergencies.
Some of these kids don’t even have uniforms,books,or shoes to go to school in,much less an umbrella or a change of clothes. How do I know? I supported a child from age 3 till here marriage. 250 rupees= $5. My mother-in-law was dying so we flew to Kolkata to be with her. The details would shock you. Since she didn’t want to die in a hospital,we arrange for 3 shifts of nursing. But-you have to pick up the IV ‘s and needles yourself-when the shops are open. If they are open. As for an IV stand? Not available. The neighbors were gobsmacked when my husband bent a wire hanger and hung it from a hook on the wall. So there we were- M-I L,my husband,me,a full-time maid,and 3 nurses,in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. 600 sq ft? Typical of India,visitors came to visit all day long,bringing good wishes and stay for a half hour, reminisce, and move on. We met with 15 or 20 Doctors, discussed options, $ wasn’t the problem. She was old and frail and dying. But the people around her kept her cheered. Money solves nothing. She died by the time we landed in the U.S. The Dr. said it was an easy death and praised us. It was money well spent. As the last of our parents to die, even though we had many regrets, we didn’t blame ourselves or think,”what more could we have done?” We spent the majority of the time sitting in the little room with her and keeping her company,trying to feed her,make her happy, showing her pictures of the children on i-photo, making her laugh, discussing the good times,and how much we loved her. It was a sweet time.
My Father-in-law’s younger sister’s son was getting married and we looked at the gold she was getting for the marriage. India is a difficult place to live-not occasionally,but on a daily basis. And please don’t reply and accuse me of taking pride in how little I can spend. It’s not a competition. We spent what we had. I’d spend more now but there’s still no way I would call a $70,000 wedding and $100,000 in gifts breaking even. A comment like that can only be followed by a statement, IMHO, like,”are you insane?”
Weddings have been many things over the years the least of which was a love match. But it was never meant to be an exchange; the bride and groom host a party and in return the guests furnish the newlywed’s house. Young couples need a helping hand. But ones who have $70,000 weddings, are clearly not the normal or the typical young couple ,just starting out. I feel sorry rich newlyweds that start out with crystal and sterling ware. They have nowhere to go but down. No funny stories.No making do.
I disagree. My husband and I started out with crystal and sterling silver. It’s been 5 years and we have been going up ever since!
FIVE YEARS? Yikes! How marvelous? I think that’s a new world record! WOW! Since You started with sterling and crystal and you’re just going up ever since-what pray tell is there left for you to achieve? What do you have to conquer?You have it all and life is perfect. What could go wrong?
Any brides or grooms out there chuckling as hard as I am? Yes.What could go wrong? Do both of you earn to maintain this lifestyle? 1 of you could lose your job. Or both. Or the company could fold. Or you could move to a better job and lose it before you even move into your new house. You want a family? You could be barren. Or nature could fool you and surprise-triplets,one with severe health problems. Or you have 2 normal children but they are normal teens and you are not ready for normal teens with pierced noses and a slight meth habit who refuse to go to class. And that car in the driveway,more often than not, says,”To Protect and Serve. “Good news. You don’t have the sterling anymore. But you can’t claim it on the insurance more than once a year. And who knew the latest Vampire bar was using crystal. But you’re downsizing to a condo and your husband got a job driving a Tour bus in Hollywood. And you work Nordstrom’s selling Crystal since you know so much about it.
One of these stories if close to mine. All of them and many more are possible. I’m sure I mentioned my main reason for not caring about a costly wedding was because my supervisor at my work-study position was killed 3 months after his wedding.He was in the National Guard and his truck overturned rushing from Milwaukee to Madison when protesters blew up the Physics Building. This made his wife a widow 2 months after returning from their honeymoon and everyone at the funeral said over and over again that she would be paying off the wedding bills for another 3-5 years or more. That really stuck in my mind. And that same explosion caused my future husband to take an assistantship in Physics in Milwaukee since Madison was -gone. The world is round in more ways than one.
Those classic sayings are classic because they are true.
What goes up-must come down. Don’t tempt fate.
I probably wanted a vague fairy tail wedding when I was 6. I read Dr. Dolittle so-I doubt it.Then my dream was a nice little house but we had the baby first before the house. And then we had the bigger house and the 2nd baby. And I never did get the sterling but we do have sterling plates and tumblers and bowls and I always wanted a library so the last 2 houses had one.We’re still working on my husband’s dream of a Train room for n and z gauge.It’s important to have dreams. It’s not always important to fulfill them. Sometimes it’s just a good way to get back to sleep. But never try to fulfill them all in one day.You’re tilting at windmills.
Sterling silver is its own punishment. I bought a set at an estate sale for next to nothing and it was such a pain to keep clean that it was quickly retired and replaced with stainless. And once kids come along the crystal won’t stand a chance. My drinking glasses were stored on a high shelf and never brought out yet when I went to set the table for thanksgiving they were all mysteriously gone. They weren’t expensive, but now I buy glass at the dollar store. Plenty more where that came from, even on a budget.
Wait, so this person should be upset that he spent $70K on their wedding while “children are starving in Africa”? Please, that is super lame. And for Cheap Cheap to comment on how this “poor rich couple has nowhere to go but down” is really just something who has no clue what other classes of people are like. Get a grip.
I agree – My husband and I had a $100,000 wedding. We made it all back in gifts, but even if we hadn’t, that would have been okay. I have no idea why people are so offended by money spent when the couple has it. Our wedding was paid for in cash – there was no debt and no worry. What’s wrong with that? Why would I have to explain myself to someone that turns their nose up at my wedding purely because they don’t like how I spend my money? If you feel that strongly about it, please, don’t come. I don’t want you there.
As for cash bars, it’s definitely a regional thing. My husband is from the country, and he had never been to a wedding that didn’t have a cash bar. I am from the suburbs, and I had never even HEARD of a cash bar. It’s simply not done here – it’s not even an option offered at the catering halls. It miffs me a bit when there is a cash bar, but what bothers me the most is that I’m never expecting it and no one ever warns you in advance. I usually don’t bring that much money to wedding, and I always wish I had known beforehand.
Because you’re Lex Luthor and you would know?
Thank to. It was not a back breaker, but just the cost of doing the things we wanted to do to make the event unique and entertaining for our guests. Everyone that attended still talks about it 3 years later.
Would I spend $70k on a wedding again? No, that is a one time event. That money is better spent on remodeling a room or a vacation. But for that one time event, it was money well spent and a day we will never forget!
I think the extent people want to go to on their wedding is their own choice and you should do what makes you happy. I do want to point out that I think this article leaves off a key point though. There is an expense side to a wedding, but also an income side. Our wedding had a cost of $70k but if you factor in the $100k in gifts that attendees gave us, we more or less broke even for the day. I bet if you examined a lot of the cases where people just discuss the cost of the event then you would find a lot of similar results.
My wedding cost well over $40K ten years ago…but why does ANYONE ELSE CARE OTHER THAN THE PEOPLE THAT PAID FOR IT?? My parents foot the bill for it, they could afford it and wanted the big party for our big family. Why do people feel the need to criticize other’s financial decisions if they aren’t hurting anyone else? This couple the author is writing about, are they putting this $30K on a credit card, sacrificing mortgage payments?? As long as they aren’t complaining about their dire financial straights to you, then who gives a crap how much they spend?
I can always tell when people spend a lot of money on weddings because the food is always much better. But I’ve been to six figure weddings that were awful and last minute backyard receptions that were a blast. Its all about the couple.
We served no liquor at our wedding-we had high tea for a reception. Everyone we invited knew this and everyone came. It was a low key gathering and people are still talking about how lovely it was. Several people used our wedding as a model for their own. If people need liquor to have a good time and want to attend a wedding, maybe they have a problem and it is a blessing they don’t attend.
Exactly. Well said.
I see. So without cases of booze, the majority of you would not attend a wedding. This means brides need to provide a warning at the bottom of their invitations saying,”Dear guests. The Bride and groom do not drink. We welcome your presence and good wishes. But if it needs a boost from a bottle,please stay home.”
Would that suit you?
I really question,not only your values,but your level of maturity.
Did you have a Friday night Kegger or a Marriage?
I suppose your husband isn’t stout (pun) he has a “wedding belly.”
I feel so enlightened.
I think you are very judgemental on those that like alcohol at weddings. Not everyone that drinks is a drunk and a lot of those that don’t are jerks.
I have been to WAAAAY to many Weddings with open bars where too many people (men) got ridiculously drunk and ruined the whole reception. Sorry, but when there is an open bar you get open drunks. Never again, and I drink but never like that!
No, I don’t think this person is being judgmental- not every person that drinks is a drunk and the poster didn’t suggest that they were. What Cheap Cheap seemed to imply was that people who make their decisions about whether or not to attend social engagement based on the availability of free alcohol- yeah, I’d say they probably have some addiction issues or are incredibly immature. I like to eat meat. I had a vegetarian friend get married. I did not consider her a bad host because she did not offer meat at her reception. Normal, mature, non-addicted people take that same view of alcohol at a party- it’s the host’s option, not obligation. Cash bar, no bar, open bar- who gives a crap? It’s a wedding, not a pub crawl. How boring does a person have to be to be unable to attend a single-night social event without having some mood altering substance and still enjoy themselves and be enjoyable?
Skip the alcohol if you want, although no one I know would want to go to your wedding. But don’t provide alcohol and expect people to pay for it.
I agree and think Cash bars are tacky…if you’re taking an evening to come to my wedding any buy me a gift, the least i can do is give you a couple drinks. Don’t have alcohol at all in that case.
Oh, you weren’t offering food? Or some kind of party following the ceremony? In that case, by all means, provide your guests with some alcohol in return for them making the trip and bringing you a gift. But for those of us who are offering a nice meal, and fun party (music, dancing, whatever), and some favors to boot, I’m pretty sure that’s a nice ‘thanks for celebrating my marriage with me’.
I can’t imagine making the decision to attend a wedding based on the presence of free alcohol. I decide whether to attend a wedding based on my relationships with the people involved and the practicality of any travel involved.
I’ve been to spectacularly expensive weddings, and I’ve been to weddings where I was expected to bring homemade cookies for the potluck reception. (OK, a potluck reception would have annoyed me if the couple involved had had more resources, but for their circumstances I understood. And even if I’d thought they could afford something fancier, it still would not have factored into my decision making–except, perhaps, for how much effort to put into the cookies!)
Oh dear. Skip the flowers. Let the bride wear a used dress (and you didn’t say heirloom or handed down from mother to daughter) But G-D forbid! the guests should have to go without alcohol.Because THAT-wouldn’t be classy.
I look forward to you angry letters.
I think that your wedding is a representation of you as a couple. Certain things are worth spending money on, while others can be sacrificed or cut back.
That being said, no one wants to go to a wedding with a cash bar. If you are inviting your friends and family to celebrate your marriage with you, why would you make them pay for alcohol? Do you charge people to come over your house for dinner? It lacks taste.
You can cut back in different ways to save money, but using your friends to provide free services at your wedding lacks taste as well, in my opinion. Your friends should be able to enjoy your wedding just like everyone else.
Ways to cut back and still be classy? Print your own invitations using kits from Office Max, have an outdoor wedding and skip the flowers, buy a used dress or a floor model. No one will notice these cutbacks, but they notice when they have to bring cash to a wedding for a drink.
Cash bars are regional. The logic is regional too. Most regions with cash bars also have the mentality that you would never expect to go to someone’s house for dinner and NOT bring your own alcohol. And something for dessert or snacks. I always tuck a $20 in my dress for a wedding, and guess what? No big D.
Wait. This is actually a thing people get worked up about? Oh my goodness, it’s a $20 bill you take from your wallet and use for a few drinks! It’s not like someone is asking you to dip into the life savings for the wedding. If it offends you so deeply, take $20 off the wedding present amount and use it for booze. People are the weirdest.
You know what solves this argument?
No alcohol at all.
Hate on.
Precisely. Really, no one is forced to consume alcoholic beverages at a wedding, so if it’s a cash bar, no one is being forced to shell out money for a drink. You don’t want to pay? Then don’t drink. Come on, you really forget that the food and the party and the favors are still 100% free for you? Everyone who bitches about a cash bar should only be allowed to attend dry weddings ever again.
Free? Have you never had to travel for a wedding? The last one I traveled for was well over $500 for hotel and flight plus food for the ‘non free dinner’. Fortunately, they had alcohol like a proper wedding should.
No alcohol is best. I actually know couples who caved on the booze issue, not because they wanted it there, but rather certain family members and/or friends informed them that they wouldn’t attend if it wasn’t there. THAT is the height of low-class and tacky.
No alcohol – agreed! Dry is the way to go. I don’t want people falling down drunk, puking, and acting like imbeciles on the best day of my life. If you can’t have fun without alcohol, then you have a problem.
We had no alcohol at our wedding when I married my husband, mostly because my brother was less than 3 months out of rehab for alcohol addiction. I was not going to be the one putting temptation in his way, and his continued sobriety was more important to me than a few guests ‘hurt feelings’. My husband was happy to comply because he had seen several of his invited relatives embarrass themselves at family parties when they had too much to drink, and my future MIL was happy to save the money that the bar would have cost. She did all the flowers as a gift to us, from blossoms donated by my mother’s friends with large gardens.
Be creative and think outside of the box. Why do you need to rent the TajMaHal or Carnegie Hall, because you saw it on TV? STOP. When you were little and dreaming of your wedding, you dreamed of your dress, your husband in waiting, and being happy. Think of things like where you first met- have the ceremony there- was on a bus, in a cab, at a stop light, or a party, a friends house, etc. All low cost. Have only your immediate family and friends as the ceremony and the others at the reception. Have a Cabaret style reception, everyone brings their own liquor, hire a band or DJ and charge $15 for tickets and rent a hall to help with costs- have a raffle too make them happy. The wedding is about sharing your love and commitment with those close to you not seeing how many banks you can break on the way to the poor house. Rule of thumb, you should NOT still be paying for your wedding an paying for the kids to go to college 18 years later.
What a concept!! MYOB!!
You’re a genius!
Seriously, what someone spends on a wedding (or car, or nursery, or whatever) is really their business and no one else’s, as long as they are the ones who pony up the $$$$.
So glad to see a common sense perspective.
In India recently , one of the politicians son got married , he would have spent anything between $4 – 5 MN with 50, 000 guests!
I don’t care if a person spends $100 or $100 000 on their wedding. It’s their business. Just stop talking about how your wedding was the classiest, most unique, inventive, incredibly beautiful event of everyone’s lives that is still raved about today by so many people. The reality is that people enjoy a wedding and then move on to the next thing in life. ALL weddings. There are millions of them, and everything has been done before and will be done again. Don’t stress to impress, just be yourself. That’s the funnest wedding.
Thanks for your input. My daughter is planning her wedding and the venue she choose is not as nice as the pictures (of course) big savings from other venues but concerned .want to support my daughter choice but really want to express a big stop sign on the chooses venue. Any suggestions on how to show support when I strongly feel the place is not as nice that she and her fiancee chose.
Sometimes our children need that 2nd voice. You can say something like, can we look at that one more time, you only get married once so lets make sure you do it right. Or you can say, do you mind if I offer an opinion?
if she wants to do this all by her self, let her.
Sharon, money may be an issue for her. I know that I would love my parents input, but if it is out of my price range, I’m not considering. Ask her what her budget is for the venue. If it’s in your budget to help her, offer that as part of your gift to her.
If it isn’t in your budget or she doesn’t want to the help, and they are happy with their choices, remember it isn’t your wedding. Explain to her you will be there regardless, and be happy for her.
Your daughter may not have the money for another venue or the the venue that you like may not allow you to bring in your own food/or use a particular caterer that she wants. That venue may also hold sentimental value to your daughter and her soon to be husband.
I got married in 1982 and spent around 4,000 dollars. That would be about 9,600 dollars in 2012. I had the reception at a country club a friend belong to, so I only paid for food. I bought a clearance wedding dress, didn’t spend a lot on flowers, especially with only a maid of honor and felt like that was even too much. Not not give out a lot of favors, used the dishes the club offered. But we did have the money because we were in our thirties and had good paying professional jobs. I believe most of the people today will be paying for their weddings on the day of their divorce.
I am planning my wedding now and honestly, I just wish the pampered couples and the frugal couples would stop bragging. Everyone has a wildly different set of connections, be it $$$$, vendor connections, or friend/family do-it-yourself supports. Just because one couple was able to plan a wedding that was super fancy or super frugal, doesn’t mean everyone can (or has to).
I am run of the mill average-I have a savings budget of $6000 max, and I hope to come in below, but if I use it all, so be it. I am hoping for a typical small-frills wedding/reception of 85 guests. I can’t wait. Where we are spending the money-some could applaud, some could critique.
My family has offered a thousand dollars-this is one of our luxuries. We are enjoying some connections/discounts on venue and photography-another luxury.
There are areas we are skimming on because they are no big deal to us- a rented van for transport, simple decorations of fake flowers and tulle, cash bar, gifted homemade centerpieces, Ipod for music, borrowed jewelry . There are a couple of areas that I am spending a lot of $ on, that probably could have stayed in my savings account-my dress ($950 w/tax), rented linens and dishware, local salon for hair and makeup for the gals (provided by me at $250), real bouquets ($250) ,hoping for a bottle of champage at the tables (=$ouch), but that’s a no if it goes over-budget.
So, typical. I could work harder and skim more. I could have purchased a cheaper dress and we could have done our own hair and makeup. I didn’t and don’t feel guilty-I am happy with those splurges. If anything, judge wedding attitudes and not wedding budgets-there is no need for snobbery, ridicule, or snarkiness when evaluating anyone’s wedding. Enjoy what’s offered.
what is important is that you love your husband and are happy with your life and how things are. 🙂
Well put Sheryl. I couldn’t agree more!
Fake flowers and a cash bar-that has to be the ultimate in tacky! Do you expect your guests to bring their own food too? How would you feel if your “guests” opted to give you only a card wishing you well on your marraige and skipped the gift so they could “skim” as much as you? A wedding like this is insulting to your guests.
Obviously Tony, the rude high brow, materialistic circles you run in are not the circles that would be at her wedding. For some people, it’s more about the MARRIAGE and less about the wedding.
I could care less if my guests “skimmed” as much as me. I want them to be there with me to celebrate my love, not shower me with gifts.
An insult is coming to a wedding expecting to be pampered and awash in luxury, and especially if the couple can’t afford such trivial details. The wedding isn’t about THE GUESTS.
I’m afraid you’re wrong: a wedding is, indeed, about THE GUESTS. A couple who wants to be married can just as easily do so with just two witnesses, or just a small circle of their immediate families and have nothing afterward. By deciding to throw a bigger affair, they indicate that they want guests to come to their wedding. I don’t believe wedding guests expect to be awash in luxury, but certainly they should not have to pay for their drinks or food. If a couple can’t afford a sit-down dinner and full bar, they can have an amazing late morning or early afternoon wedding with champagne and cake afterward. Everyone will have a great time dancing and getting to their own homes by the time they want dinner and a glass of (their own) wine!
I would hope that no guest felt they had to bring a gift. We aren’t that kind of couple anyways, and we know most of the guests intimately. I am asking them to attend our wedding because we want them to be present when we get married, not because we want their gift money.
It’s fine if you disagree. We aren’t too concerned about our choices.
Tony, it is their wedding. They can do whatever they want. The wedding is not supposed to be for guests that want to party. What a foolish way to start a new life together — trying to impress other people with how much money you can waste in one day.
Actually, the wedding is for the couple, but the reception is for the guests as a thank you for attending their ceremony. The reception can be anything from cake & punch, light appetizers only, or the full 5 hour blow-out. But your guests should never have to open their wallets at your reception. No cash bar, no admission price, and no raffles. No matter what your price point is, you can properly host guests by following proper etiquette.
Well said. Either you pay or don’t have.
This is foolish thinking. No one ever has to pay for alcohol at a reception in order to attend the reception. It is optional. It is not an admittance fee. No guest has to open their wallet for a cash bar unless they want an alcoholic beverage. There is no pressure on guests to consume and pay for a drink- they can drink water, coffee, and tea for no charge. Julia is even having lemonade as a pleasant free alternative.
Alcohol is also extremely expensive, and no guest should ever expect it on the bride and groom’s dime. Guests who do have extremely poor taste and manners.
I actually went to a wedding where the cash bar included soda and juice. The only free drinks were coffee (in the afternoon, in July) and tap water.
I’m with you tony. Anything can be skimped except the food and drink. An open bar makes for a better wedding for everyone, including the bride and groom. Nothing sucks as much as guests leaving “early” because you’ve bored them to death.
“Nothing sucks as much as guests leaving “early” because you’ve bored them to death.”
That’s funny, max…remind me to exclude you from any guest list I may put together in the future. In my book, there is something worse – having immature, fair weather friends who only show up to a wedding see what they can get out of it.
I dont think you should invite people to a wedding and expect them to pay for their own drinks. It is very tacky and your guests will definitely think the same thing. Dont have the big wedding if you cannot afford to do it right. Have a small family only wedding.
If there was a choice between going to my friends wedding and paying for my alcohol or not getting invited so she could afford to get her smaller guest list drunk, I would rather pay for my own alcohol. It’s not that big of a deal. At least it’s not a dry wedding!
The reason we have had cash bars at Mexican weddings is because someone INVARIABLY gets trashed and ends up ruining the evening. Having a bunch of drunk Mexicans running around is not my idea of a good time.
This is why they leave the decorating to the bride. When someone is cost conscious, artificial is the way to go. Personally, the artificial silks can pass for real flowers. If guests are picky about the decorations instead of being focused on the intimate ceremony that should be taking place between Sheryl and her new husband, then they can stay home and be ignorant right along with you. The idea of artificial plants is also good for taking home to decorate and being reminded of the beautiful occasion that made it possible for them to adorn the family home. Tony, get over it and get a life. By the way, if you feel so strongly about it, I am quite sure that Sheryl would not object to a generous donation from you to cover the costs.
Then those guest who are offended can stay home.
I am sorry but I have to say FAKE flowers are the ultimate in tacky. I would have, as well as a cash bar. You don’t invite guests to an affair and then ask them to pay for them the drinks you serve them.
But…you don’t serve your guests drinks and then hand them a bill. You set up a bar in a corner and if someone is so inclined, he/she stands up, walks over, and orders him/herself a drink. In what universe are wedding guests forced to consume alcoholic drinks? Since they are not, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a cash bar.
Great reply.
I take more of an issue with spending almost $1,000 on a dress, and making your guests pay for a beer. There is nothing wrong with saving money, but as a guest, when I can tell that the bride and groom spent more on their clothes than anything else, it gives a bad impression to the guest (especially when I’ve paid $2,000+ to go to the wedding). If you don’t have (or want to spend) the money, fine, just don’t spend a lot on the dress and then say you couldn’t afford the other items.
That’s fine, but we are very comfortable with our budget. I’ve been to 15+ weddings and all have been cash bars save one or two. Around here, only wealthy families have unlimited beer and wine, and it’s usually provided by bride/groom’s families who are paying for the reception/wedding. Alcohol is expensive in Canada and few people expect a young bride and groom to foot that kind of bill alone.
There will be plenty of water, lemonade, tea, and coffee provided for guests to enjoy, as well as a wedding punch (with alcohol). That is plenty for us. I feel an open bar would be going overboard and will not be used enough to justify it.
The day isn’t about the guests, it’s about the bride and groom. We all know how important the bride’s dress is – why would you expect her to skimp on it so you can chug a beer?
I guess it must depend on where you live because most weddings I’ve been to had a cash bar. I think usually it’s free for the first hour or so, but then it’s cash after a certain time. When you compare alcohol to everything else on the list – cake, flowers, dress, food, photographer, music….alcohol should be dead last on the list. Once again, the day is about the couple and their money should be spent on them and whatever they need to remember the day, and make it special to them.
Well said. I wonder if people understand the legal responsibility when you pay for a cash bar. Most states have a law that saying that if someone allows another person to consume alcohol in their place of residence or at a function that they are hosting and the person drinking gets stopped, the host from that function can be legally held liable as well. I have seen it happen on many occasions (Kentucky has the best bourbon and the drunks show it) and innocent people pay for the mistakes of others. Having a cash bar takes that responsibility off of the hosts. If a person wants to indulge in such an activity at the reception, they should be responsible for their own costs. Alcohol can cost more than the food (which is necessary). I would rather my guests be fed than drunk. Great reply S.
Kendra, I was going to say the same thing! I did not want to assume any liability for irresponsible people who would chose to get drunk…and God forbid, drive after. Most weddings I’ve been to have been cash bar…it’s expected. Only the rich do open bar.
Some of these replies are so rude and ignorant! People just want to throw money away on a 1 day party! It doesn’t make sense. No wonder people bought houses they couldn’t afford and couldn’t pay the mortgage and our economy is in the crapper, they started their life together throwing a party for people and going into debt doing it. The marraige is supposed to be about the bride and groom and their love. That is what is being celebrated. Not drinks (cash bar or not) or flowers (fake or real) or DJ vs iPod. If the couple is happy that is all that matters! I feel these couples are making smart choices and already showing they can communicate about hard issues like finances!
The ultimate in tacky is people who are focused on the wedding instead of whether the marriage will work and divorce soon after.
The odds are against it lasting. Might as well enjoy the wedding….
I’ve got to agree. Fake flowers and a cash bar are just about the takiest things I’ve ever heard of. Why not just go to the courthouse?
Soooo…. I am not supposed to invite my loved ones to my special day b/c I am not rich enough to get them drunk and go all-out?
It’s freaking FLOWERS, get OVER it. First World Problems, smh
At my first wedding, I had lovely silk flowers and will probably have the same at my upcoming wedding. Why? Because I have severe allergies to flowers as do some of my family. Why should I suffer with itchy eyes and nose, and asthma attacks on my wedding day? No thanks!
And because we don’t drink, and the venue does not allow alcohol, we will have a dry wedding. It is our right to do that. If they allowed alcohol at our venue, we would probably have a cash bar, because we do not drink, and any of our friends and family who cannot celebrate without alcohol can buy their own. Just my opinion, and prerogative as it is MY wedding.
The appropriateness of a cash bar at a wedding is presumably a cultural matter. If this is common in your family circle, then there’s nothing tacky about it.
And even if it were deeply tacky in your culture, it would still be a legitimate choice for the couple to make, provided that the information was clearly (and gracefully) provided in the invitation.
What is not acceptable is to skimp on the cake. Anything less than $3,000 (and at least five tiers) would be gravely insulting to your guests. Anything less and you may as well serve Twinkies.
It is insulting for a cake to be under $3000 and five tiers?! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. *LMAO*
I really hope this post is missing its sarcasm font.
I used simple decorations of silk flowers and tulle, the nice upshot (besides the cost savings) is that I was able to turn my wedding bouquet into a nice arrangement that now sits on a 100+ year old vanity.
Its important to have a good wedding. With some luck its a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and you’ll have memories for a lifetime. Take lots of pictures.
Its *not* necessary to be expensive and perfect. Doing hokey things to keep it under budget is OK; in fact its often a great thing to do and will provide you with many cute memories. We look back at the pictures and they remind us of the quaint old times when we couldn’t afford an expensive wedding cake, so we got a large plastic one for display, and had cheaper cake to eat. It was hokey, but the plastic cake was gorgeous and it provides romantic memories..
It’s about priorities. I’d much rather be in debt than ask my “guests” to pay for their own drinks at my wedding.
A drink is a glass of water. No, guests shouldn’t have to pay for water.
An alcoholic beverage is an optional luxury item. It is optional and certainly not required for a ceremony and reception. So a person would be going into debt for a luxury item.
It is absolutely absurd to spend that much money on one day, one ceremony, when you have a new life to begin as a new couple. My wedding cost $5000, only because my family is huge and we had a nice reception. And we have no debt from it because we paid everything as we planned. It meant cutting some serious corners–no videographer, a decent but less palatial reception/banquet hall, a discounted dress (still beautiful), and using friends with talents for a lot of things (deejaying, taking pictures, etc). It was still a wonderful day, and don’t let me get started on the honeymoon (smile)–we had the money for that beautiful honeymoon because we did not overspend on the wedding!
very smart move Stephanie. if you and your husband are both that savvy and spend thrifty, you should manage just fine in life as far as finances and agreeing upon them go. I have seen so many people spend a fortune on their wedding only to get a divorce and then do practically the same thing the 2nd or 3rd time even. I remarried just this past december and we had a very nice ceremony in the courtyard at the courthouse and my youngest son was our only member in attendance. I wasn’t sure how my daughter had felt as she was still conflicted about her own father at the time and how he was taking it even though we had been divorced for a while. However, I found out shortly she was very upset over not being there with me on my big day! We spent about 120 dollars including the chinese lunch we went to afterwards. However, our love is invaluable! For he is truly my love and the love of my life. It just took me so long to find him.
(a discounted dress (still beautiful), and using friends with talents for a lot of things (deejaying, taking pictures, etc)
—Hi, I just thought that being a DJ I think it’s best to hire a nice ‘seasoned’ DJ that has the ability to read the crowd AND that HAS the music requests of your guests –After all they are hoping for a nice dance party in most cases. A friend may drink too much or usually is not well-fitted for an elegant wedding and reception unless he or she has a lot of prior experience in leading the transitions from all the ceremonial dances like 1st dance; Father/ Daughter ect.
HERE IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN WITH A BAD UNTRAINED DJ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ868x-QC4s
take care, Doctor Jack
That’s awesome. All marriages should start off with a huge debt to pay. Money problems always bring couples closer together.
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