Thirty thousand dollars. I heard that figure and my jaw dropped. That’s the amount that a couple of my friends are spending on their upcoming wedding.
Every time I hear about some new detail of the plans for the wedding, there’s a little voice in my head that starts commenting on the bottom line. But here’s the thing — it’s not my wedding. I’m not going to say a word because my friends are adults and seem to be pretty pleased with what they’re getting for their money.
The High Cost of Weddings
The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S, so my friends aren’t so far off the norm. The number may be hard to wrap your head around if you’re used to thinking about things in terms of budgeting, saving money and all the other little things that go along with thinking hard about your personal finances, but it’s also not so uncommon when you think about the number of cultures in which families bring themselves to the edge of bankruptcy for weddings, dowries and other related expenses.
Personally, I don’t like those numbers but the simple fact of the matter is that I know I’m in the minority. My wedding cost just under $200 and I got exactly what I wanted (down to the perfect cake). While I have a hard time understanding the big numbers some people spend on weddings, many people have just as hard a time understanding how I could spend so little.
Nothing I can say or do will make my friends see things my way — and the reverse is just as true. And since they’re happy, the only result I can see from saying anything at all is putting my friendships in danger. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut.
High-Priced Weddings Aren’t Going Away
But I’m still thinking about the matter.
I’m thinking about why people so clearly prefer big weddings, even with the price tag. For a lot of people, I think it’s a matter of priorities: they’ve thought things through and the idea of a big wedding and all that goes with it (fun times with family, a great party and so on) is worth it. The experience of the perfect wedding is worth more than the alternatives of where they can spend that money.
At the end of the day, it’s a matter of personal choices, as it should be. If your financial priority is your wedding, that’s fine. You should be able to throw the rockingest party you can. The problems creep in when we think about the fact that not everyone manages their finances perfectly. Not everyone saves up money to pay for their wedding ahead of time or budget for what they can afford to spend. Some people choose to go pretty deep into debt in order to have the wedding of their dreams and wind up paying even more in interest, not to mention causing damage to their credit.
The idea of massive debt for one day of fun — charging an amount equivalent to at least a down payment on a house, if not most of the total cost — is what bothers me. I’m lucky enough that my friends aren’t in that boat, but even if they were, it seems like it’s not considered polite to even bring up wedding costs and talk about debts. It’s not a friend’s place to say anything. I can’t help but wonder if costs would be a little lower if friends talked about how they were able to save money on their celebrations or talk candidly about staying out of debt.
The current state of the economy seems to be bringing a few more of those discussions out into the open. But we’ve still got a ways to go. I’m certainly not interested in risking my friendships just to talk about money. I don’t think I’m the only one, either.
So, I wish my friends all the happiness in the world — a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage. I will be there for the happy day and I will gladly celebrate with them.
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It is strange that no one mentioned a fantastic fantasy wedding that did not cost a fortune! By skipping the wedding planners, and finding the photographer, florist, musicians, and caterer yourself, you can save thousands! (not to mention an aunt dress-maker who did her part!!) We got married 10 years ago, and then it cost $ 3000 (with inflation it could be $ 6000 – $ 7000 today). We got married in a working wine cellar in winter. We had a top notch photographer who became famous a few months after our wedding so we could still afford her! And we had a three course meal (and wine) for 80 guests. The planning started months before when I started looking for diamonds (you can save up to 50% off the cost of a ring by buying the diamond separately and asking the jeweler to create a unique design). And lastly, a 7 day honeymoon, mostly spent in a little cottage next to a wine farm. Looking back at it now, I still cannot believe that average people like us could afford such a stunning wedding (my wife is a teacher and I am a retailer). With a little bit of planning, you can avoid all the glitz and glamour and create your own style, without all the middle men!!
So blogging about their wedding cost is keeping one’s mouth shut?
In some areas of the country (NYC, for example), $30,000 is common. In other areas, not so much. In some cultures, you are expected to invite pretty much everyone (which can cost a lot), in others not so much.
I could not care less what others do with their money. I’m sure there are things I spend money on that others think is stupid.
What kind of a friend tells the world how much money their frends are spending or spend on their wedding. I just read it today, so I am late with my comment.
If you were my friend and I find out this was printed on line for everyone to read, you not be my friend anymore. There are many women how still want that dream wedding, that has notting to do with you.
My sister had her dream wedding, she drove me and my other sister crazy but it was fun and looked beautiful. It was worth the time, money, crazyiness just to have one day
Personally, I could never spend an outragoues amount of money for one day. I know a Nurse Aide at my job that makes $10/hr and will have upwards of 100k of student loans when she’s done with school currently spending 75k on her dream wedding. That to me is very irresponsible. A cousin of mine had her dream wedding in the Carribbean while her retired mother who is fighting cancer footed the bill. That to me is incredibly selfish. I know that not everyone who has an elaborate wedding are like these women, however all to many are and I think that is where all the judgement comes from.
You can waste all the money you want on a ridiculous wedding. Just don’t ask the rest of us to invest in it by wasting our own money on bridal gowns, suits, travel, hotel rooms and gifts. And stop blaming us when we don’t.
I am amazed that the author or anyone else thinks it is their business to comment on how other people spend their money. Do you question your friends’ ability to pay their mortagage too? Criticize their choice of new car?
Twenty years ago my wedding was expensive. It was a wonderful experience to meet and spend time with extended family on both sides, and I wouldn’t change a thing. No one asked how much we were spending, and I would have been shocked if they had.
If the bride and groom are placing inordinate importance on how much money they are spending (or not spending), then that says more about their attitude toward money than it does about weddings.
And note to the author: writing an article about keeping your mouth shut? nice try
We spent a total of $5000, including invitations, clothing, flowers, cake, honeymoon, minister, and a high tea at a luxury Inn for a reception. Paid cash. It was a perfect wedding and we still have people saying it was the best they had ever been to. Several people tried to imitate it but were surprised that it didn’t turn out as well….they spent way more and went overboard. A wedding is a time for love and commitment, and money has little to do with either. Maybe the wedding of Matthew and Mary, a small, lovely affair with elegant quiet gowns, flowers and ceremony celebrating the love and commitment of 2 aristocrats, will be inspiration for people to turn away from the gauche and tasteless excess of modern weddings.
Walked into courthouse with boyfriend, spent $10 for marriage certificate, walked outside new husband and wife, been happy ever since. No planning, no stress, no figuring out what to do and who to invite out of 4 sets of parents and stepparents, stepfamilies, grandparents, halfbrothers, cousins, nieces, etc. No stress over cake, dress, venue, music, seating, timing, or anything else. Best day of my life, wouldn’t do it any other way!
The cost of the wedding has absolutely nothing to do with how long the marriage lasts. It just strikes me insane to spend that much. But you know what? Everyone has their own opinion, so whatever floats your boat.
Well, you know what Mama Gump would say: stupid is as stupid does. I spent a total of $200 and everything was just right.
A wedding can be “profitable”? How Kartrashian of you. Next,we’ll all sell the rights to the movies. (And get pregnant by the next “fishdick” to come along.)
Sweet.
For some cultures the wedding can be very profitable.
Instead of lame gifts; attendees give cash. Having a $100,000 wedding with hundreds in attendance giving $100-$300+ each makes expensive weddings reasonable.
Try to fit 100+ people into a court house….many won’t even show let alone give cash for snubbing the traditional wedding.
Many years ago we were students and had a small wedding and pot luck wedding reception. My parents would not contribute and didn’t even attend. We had the “reception” in our apartment, which I prepped and cleaned up myself. To this day, I am sad that I never had a pretty wedding gown, or a first dance or a real party. I threw the photos out because they were so awful. Sure the marriage lasted, but every time I see a happy bride or the wedding photos of a friend, I cry a little inside. No point in doing it now, it would not be the same….
AMEN – I could not agree with you more. It’s hard to keep your mouth shut when everything seems so outlandish, but I’ve pretty much taken the same approach. When people act as if I will one day have this huge production of a wedding myself, I just say, “That wouldn’t be for me.” As my grandfather used to say, “There are starving children in Africa!” LOL
Ugh. It really bothers me that everyone is getting all down on people about how much their wedding cost. I don’t think it matters. A close friend of mine got married a few months ago. Their wedding was over $100,000 (no idea how much the actual total was, I just know that was what he was at when he realized he was over his $60,000 budget). They are a wonderful couple and I think they will be happy for years and years to come. My fiance and I are getting married in a few months and we’re spending closer to $2000. We are also a wonderful couple and I think we’ll be just as happy as my friend and his wife (probably happier because my husband-to-be is totally rad) but it has nothing to do with the money spent on the wedding. If you can have the wedding you want for $15, do it and be happy. If you want to spend $1,000,000, go for it. The amount of money spent on the wedding is not a factor in your overall happiness. The couple that you are has everything to do with it. As someone else said, going in to ridiculous amounts of debt for the wedding can add stress as can having no money to begin with, but the wedding itself isn’t the issue. If my husband to be and I spent a million dollars on a trip around the world and spent only $200 on the wedding, we’d be in a similar position to if we spent it all on the wedding. Who you are marrying is the only real factor in how long your marriage will last. That, and how hard you’re willing to work at it.
Wow! It would certainly have been an endurance test to read every response. What I will say, is that I wanted to buy an off-the-rack white dress, and get married at the Justice of the Peace. I wanted a small, intimate moment, and spend the most of our money on our honeymoon. My husband insisted he wanted the wedding. My in-laws got involved and were very forceful, and by the end of it all, we spent $5000 and had the most lackluster senior-sensational wedding one could imagine. As soon as the food was done people left in droves. No first dance. No dance with my Father (who didn’t show up), No dancing at all. My wedding ended at 8pm and the remaining guests were unceremoniously kicked out by 11. I’d rather still have just got married on our own for a tenth of what our wedding cost, and gone on an amazing trip for a week. We were both left feeling like “our” wedding was not ours at all, and two years later it has left such a sour taste in our mouths that we’re hoping to go on a second honeymoon and renew our vows on our own terms.
For me, $5000 was an enormous amount of money, let alone $30,000 or more. I had no interest in starting my marriage neck-deep in debt, not in a time when finances are so critical. For me, it wasn’t the getting married that was the most important- it was the being married. GETTING married was just a stepping stone to my real goal.
$30,000 for one day of your life is ridiculous. $30,000 is a new car, not a wedding. If you can afford to spend that much, more power to you, but it’s still a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a freakin’ party.
Even though i just posted, I thought of something to help those planning your wedding.
1. Decide your budget ahead of time and stick to it.
2.Decide what you want ahead of time,
the longer you wait the more it will cost as you won’t be able to shop around. Or will have to pay for “rush charges”. Or you might not get it at all.
3.Be organized
, if you don’t tell us we don’t know. Its up to you to give us the guest list, and etc.
4. Be polite
nothing worse than a bridezilla, just cause your getting married does not make you the center of the universe. You will get a far better result from the people doing your wedding. We understand your nervous, relax, enjoy the moments.
5. Learn to listen and compromise,
numerous weddings have been called off because of this. Ladies he is getting married too, it’s not just your day. Same for gents.
6. Take care of your guests,
don’t keep them waiting because of you.
7. For the love of god, limit your speeches.
8. Get good music
The two most remembered things about weddings? Seems to be food and music. Also people complain about it being too formal a lot. Just go have fun.
It’s simple. If you want to make a small fortune take your normal business and tack the word “wedding” or “baby” on the front of it. Would your customers normally balk at paying $1500 for a cake? Throw “wedding” on the front of it and hey presto! Don’t like the idea of forking out $5000 for photos? But these are “wedding” photos! A massive industry based on the premise that such events make normally sane, rational and financially responsible people temporarily lose their minds. But then it’s a free country. Spend whatever you want, but don’t forget that it’s all for nothing if you’re not prepared to work your backside off making that other person happy for the rest of your life.
Being a former cook for weddings, and running a kitchen, my girl a former pastry chef/wedding cake gal, I disagree. Wedding cakes take huge amounts of work, 40 or more hours in fact. More if you want the “perfect cake”.
The supplies are not as cheap as you would think, as real butter, vanilla and liquors are expensive. Especially when you have to feed more than 100 people.
They are very delicate to work with, and the detail takes many hours of painstaking work, which takes years of training. Sugar flowers and decoration is an art in itself. This is not something you can do for cheap.
The same goes for the food, years and years of training,
We worked like dogs, and like most people in the kitchen made very little money, got burned out, and switched careers even though we enjoyed it.
We got tired of outrageous requests last minute. The mindset of wanting it cheaper because they are getting married and they need to show off.
But your right people lose their minds, and decide “I must have the best” even if they can’t afford it.
You don’t need ice sculptures, cured salmon, 5 layer cakes and custom flower arrangement, and champagne served to you by waiters.
All we ask is don’t complain when the bill comes if you ordered it and were told how much it would cost, nobody forced you.
I agree spend whatever you want, better yet spend what you can live with.
Cheers!
“…I’m keeping my mouth shut.”
Keeping your mouth shut generally doesn’t involve writing online articles about your friends’ decisions. Just saying.
It generally is if you don’t disclose their identities. But just saying…
My fiance and I are both muslim, so we’d have to have an entire weekend for festivities. For instance, friday would be the mehendi night, saturday would be the religious ceremony and sunday would be the reception. NOW, we’ve been engaged since february of this year and only this month have we put a lot of thought into what we want. We’re saving and paying for our own wedding weekend, so we put it in perspective: do we want to spend approximately 35,000 or…should we just have a nice religious ceremony followed by dinner at the actual mosque (we’d still have centrepieces, favours, dinner, etc the only things that would be missing are music and alcohol) and save about 25,000 of our budget for a nice down payment on a house? we’ve ultimately decided to have the ceremony…In all honesty, I know how hard it is to get money…I had the best childhood but my mom got into a car accident when I was 15, she hasn’t worked since then & my dad hasnt had a stable job in about 7 years…buying your own prom dress isn’t fun…haha. But…I’d rather have a comfortable life in my own house where I don’t have to rent but live in for a long period of time.
I’ll still get my father daughter dance before I’m picked up from home and my first dance with my husband will be in our new house when we go home that evening from our ceremony.
Angie,Congratulations on your wedding.That sounds like a very sensible have your cake and eat it too approach.I’m so sorry about your mother. Given her difficulties and your father’s both of which my family have also suffered,I know there is nothing a parent wants more for their children than to see them happily settled with a loving partner in their own home. We can’t all be blessed with good health or even a steady income these days and parents feel guilty for everything they haven’t given so I know it will mean the world to them to have such mature children who still think of them . G-d bless you both.
This is such an interestign topic and it is interesting the way people try to justify their choices. The bottom line is the bottom line: You can have as much wedding as you want as long as you can afford it. In keeping with my oft-repeated motto, “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”, I would suggest that people be honest with themselves about what really matters to them. Of course, if you have less money, it can be easier to make those determinations. Are engraved champagne flutes really necessary? No, but some people want them so if they have the cash to pay for them then that is their choice. There is no connection between the amount spent and the depth of the love felt or the commitment made. The wedding industry does pray on that sentiment as well as the one that this is”your big day”, the one you have been waiting for all of your life and you will never have the chance ever again to say “yes” to the dress, adorn yourself in tulle and hose down an entire hotel reception room in your signature colour. I think this creates a kind of panic. Would it not be better to live within your means and promise that you will have the big party to celebrate your 10 year anniversary if you can afford it then? The planning of the wedding is a great test for couples. if you feel bullied into spending more than you feel comfortable with, you will probably feel bullied throughout your marriage. If you cannot draw the line on your wedding spending you probably will have spending problems elsewhere in the marriage. If you feel comfortable accruing debt for a wedding you will probably have high debt tolerance to get what you want during your marriage and may have financial issues as a result of your mutual inability to create boundaires and to distinguish wants from needs. it really is a personal choice whether or not to spend money (whether in cash or credit) on a wedding but I can see that it is annoying to listen to someone brag about their expenditures and complain about their debt at the same time. A friend always wants to help but needs to recognize the need to keep your mouth shut.
Why is there no option to like comments? You summed it up perfectly. Best comment I’ve seen on this thread.
My husband and I got married on a beach in the United States and it was about $5000 total. most expensive part was the flights and hotel. I think that this is the best way. Every girl dreams a big wedding, myself included, but the way I did it, small and intimate, If I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same way and not change a thing!!!! But it is each their own on how they want to make their day special. To some, 30K will do the trick, to others, $30 will be just fine. I say, Happy Wedding and enjoy each other!!!!
Not every girl dreams about a big wedding- I myself would prefer a much simpler wedding, even if I had the money for a more expensive wedding. I’m also kind of shy and introverted and don’t enjoy being the center of attention. I know absolutely nothing about what I want for my wedding- the only thing I know for sure is who my maid of honor will be (my sister).
Yes, definitely not every woman dreams of a big wedding or dreams of a wedding at all. I never cared and if I get married one day I will not be spending tens of thousands of dollars to do it. It’s one day.
Hi Shiva at hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com
I have great pleasure in telling you Andy came up and asked me to give it another go!
He said the only thing he asks of me is to take it slow and not just be all of a sudden like loves young dream. I told him that was grand by me as I will prob take a while to trust him in terms of him wanting to be there and not running of again and that I knew that would come with time.
I asked him what was different now to when we finished he said he didnt really know but that he was probably just more comfy with the whole serious thing. He was even joking about the boys at work telling him they wanted “a day out” (wedding) something he would never have joked about before.
Its kind of weird I thought I would have been more hyper but I think probably because of all the worry etc its feels just like a relief!
Words cant express my thanks to you for all your help and not to mention patience with me I know it hasnt sank in yet but I am so happy and it will only get better as me and Andy get to know each other again.
Sarah
Racheal – Love & Commitment Spell
HI Mukulu,
EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT. THIS MAN IS EVEN MORE IN LOVE WITH ME. HE’S DOING THINGS THAT HE USED TO DO. I MET MORE OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS AND THIS WEEKEND WE ARE SUPPOSE TO GO OUT OF TOWN TO MEET A FRIEND OF HIS. HE IS SUPPOSE TO GIVE ME MY ENGAGEMENT RING SOON. HE’S SWEETER AGAIN, HE CALLS MORE AND WE SPEND TIME AGAIN WITH EACH OTHER. I’M EXTREMELY HAPPY. I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED WITH ALL THE DETAILS. I WILL BE ORDERING A MONEY SPELL VERY SOON. SO I CAN BUY A CAR. Dr mukulutemple@yahoo.com if you need help today contact him via that email…Lol
RACHEAL
This comment came out as a mess. Like I said I live in China and sometimes my browser doesn’t respond well to these comment boxes and I can’t backspace/correct mistakes. Should have typed it in word first. I swear I’m not an idiot. I just meant to say, everyone should stop hating each other! It’s all about love and partnership in the end!
I’m in the early stages of planning my wedding. Just got engaged this past summer and I have been equally surprised by the superiority complexes of those who think a wedding should just cost the price of the marriage license and those who serve gold dipped strawberries and ride away in a carriage of unicorns.
Yet, it seems to ring true, that those who were able to spend a lot on their weddings are less hateful to those who didn’t choose but rather were forced to go with a more simple day. It seems like a case of the bitterness bug to me.
I know that those crazies won’t care or become less crazy, but it would be nice if everyone being so filled with rage and hate towards anyone who dares to make a different life choice than you.
It’s really sad to someone who is so excited to be planning her wedding day to see so much venom and picture that people attending her wedding might whisper some of these terrible things about such a special and sacred moment.
I can’t wait to marry my fiance and continue living our lives together!
PS. My wedding will be around 6k and that feels like a lot to me! But if I could, I’d hire a crazy awesome event planner to do everything for me in a second! Especially since I’m American (where I will get married) but live in China. But man oh man am I in LOVE and happy!!!
No-Because you had no guest because of your halitosis. You were both hospitalized from the gangrene gotten from your high-class rings,,and ptomaine poisoning from the dead bugs in your oh so lovelys mac and cheez. And your Reverand was a 3rd rate actor drummed out years ago-so-I guess you do win.
No put the bag back over your head and go away.
Cheap Cheap September 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm
No-Because you had no guest because of your halitosis. You were both hospitalized from the gangrene gotten from your high-class rings,,and ptomaine poisoning from the dead bugs in your oh so lovelys mac and cheez. And your Reverand was a 3rd rate actor drummed out years ago-so-I guess you do win.
No put the bag back over your head and go away.
A “Reverand”? Oooh, aren’t you posh. Also, bags to put over heads are *so* Sloaney. What are you, Princess Kate or somethin’, with things to wear on heads? Besides, gangrene is way bourgie. We prefer the pox, which is totes vintage and way more hip.
Is this the discussion board where we humblebrag about how little we spent on our weddings? Cool, because, MY wedding cost $10, we had no guests, ate leftover mac-n-cheese standing over the sink, wore matching burlap sacks scavenged from a barn, and had rings made of rusty bent baling wire. Therefore, MY marriage is superior to anyone else’s who spent more money than me. I WIN.
You know, this thread is simply amazing. I have been trying to unsubscribe from the d$$! thing but it refuses to let me.
I have been stunned since it started that anyone would count someone else’s money this way. The original article was a classic example of that (does anyone recall the article? You can read it above!). I repeat, for the last time it is none of your business if someone spends 300 bucks or three hundred thousand on their wedding, and it has NEVER been shown to have any relationship to divorce stats. It is none of your business if they pay for it cash or charge it, it is none of your business if the dress costs 20 dollars or 18K.
People buy things all the time that I would not buy, including the overpriced homes so many on this board seem to worship. We have a small, cheap house. My neice just got a giant one and frankly I think she paid to much for it. THAT is none of my business, either!
Let’s spend our time on Moneyning figured out smart things to do with our own money and not judging what others do with theirs. Now, if there is a God I will be able to unsubscribe from this thread.
Guys, Stop feeding the troll.
Cheap Cheap,
I don’t have endometriosis, I had a laparoscopy and it was all clear. Thanks for the recommendation.
Best wishes with regards to your future health.
ANJ
I’m glad you had a Doctor who was smart enough to check that out. I just wanted you to realize I understood your symptoms and they are horrible. They make you crazy. Way back when,endo was new. May you have better luck than I did and friends to help out.
Everyday for the past 2 years I’ve worked minimum wage jobs 3 pm-11pm and my career job part-time teacher at $50/hr. Everyday she has complained that all I talk about is money. Guess what? I can predict the future. We spend 20 k in credit cards to pay for the wedding she insisted on and now she over-spends on walmart sales every month so our debt has only increased to 30 k so we have to sell the house and rent again 🙁
Haha, yes I agree! Being Korean, and adopted by Anglo-Saxon (lets just say white) parents of a different race, and about to marry an awesome guy who is half-Chinese and half-English – I didn’t know I could offend someone by merely existing.
Here’s a thought: it’s now 2012, and more interracial marriages and a multicultural generation is the new reality. If you don’t like it, you may want to leave the U.S.
Tracy,
Glad you liked my comment…I’m mixed Irish and Eastern Band Cherokee, as are both my parents. It’s actually quite common in the American south, where they both were (my dad is deceased) originally from. My husband family is German, but found out a deep, dark secret last year while doing some geneology. It seems that great-grandma was a full-blooded Choctaw.
I thought my MIL’s head would explode. For all of her talk about how I was mixed race (and her weird ranting about how my Native genes would ‘breed out’ of the family), it turned out her dear hubby was also a mixed race person.
God does have a sense of humor. I forget what comedian said it, but to paraphrase, “The more you hate a group of people, the more likely they will eventually be part of your family.”. Demographics are changing, and it really seems to hurt some people. Although it just gives me a chuckle.
Best of luck on your upcoming marriage!
My husband and I spend $33,000 on our wedding. Yes, it was a lot of money for one day but we had every single penny saved before the wedding and did not go into debt at all. We were also in agreement about what we wanted for our wedding day and there was no resentment between us in regards to the costs. In the end, we don’t even have the slightest regret about the money we spent. To us, it was the perfect day and a special memory that we can always turn back to and think about in the tough times. I’m not saying you have to have an expensive wedding to have special memories. Any time someone has exactly the day they envisioned, they will have special memories regardless of whether it cost $100 or $100,000. But for us, the cost of our perfect day was $33,000. For someone else its $100. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s a responsible amount for the couple to send based on their current financial situation and both bride and groom are comfortable with the budget. If this is accomplished, I don’t see how the cost of a wedding should have any bearing on whether the couple stay together or not.
I like the idea that both people should agree on how much to spend. If one person wants an elaborate, $50,000 wedding and the other wants a simpler, $5,000 wedding, that couple is going to have problems. Agreement and compromise is key.
You know, I worked in this field for many years, weddings are expensive. Especially if you want people to do the work for you.
I have to say $30,000 is a pretty average price, and for those who think you might be overcharged. Weddings are huge amounts of work for those you employ and people are demanding changes all the time.
I did my moms wedding for about ten grand in her backyard, most of the cost was food and rental and no charge for labour.
If you want to save money, diy or elope, actually my brother got married in mexico and it was far cheaper for them and more expensive for guests 🙂
I think it’s a smart idea to keep your mouth shut. Embrace differences. Should people comment on how much you choose to spend on food, your home, your car, your clothes, anything for that matter? Exactly what business of yours is it how I spend my money, as long as I’m not asking you to support me? On the flip side, if you spend $100,000 on a wedding and choose not to buy medical insurance – and I have to pay for your medications and health care, then I feel I have a right to be angry. If you’re not working, living on welfare, taking vacations, driving a new car and making an elaborate party, yes, I’m pissed. But, I put myself through graduate degrees, struggled to pay my own mortgage and health insurance, struggled to start a business, didn’t ask for help when I took off time to take care of ailing family members – and now that I have my own money to spend, who is ANYONE to comment on how I spend it? If I have 10 homes, a million dollar wedding and extravagant clothing, you know what? I worked for it. When did it become a crime to be successful? Rather than judging people who want to celebrate their vows in their own styles, why not judge the people who took vacations, bought flat screen tvs, computers, iPhones, etc. and cried they had no money to take a decent health insurance plan? Why not be angry at those people who were living it up and chose plans that would not cover more than $1M in medical bills and then want to fault the insurance companies for cutting them off at $1M? Find enough value in your own life to stop caring about how others live.
Wrong-so wrong wrong wrong. Actually-I ‘m only mad at banks-which may never change. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to an extreme wedding-ever. It never occurred to me I’d missed something. I’ve never thought people should be denied the wedding they want.Where exactly do you read that into what I write? Financial problems-no.I have crooked bank problems.Remember all that money we gave the banks in bailouts that was supposed to go to me (and you) to help us? It never did. I’m just mad. My husband was unemployed for 3 years in a country that won’t fund medical research for breast cancer and ovarian cancer. That’s why his company had no money. A lot of Silicon Valley Phds drive taxis-or lay flooring. 8 months ago ,unemployment ran out. Today,I’m paying a $12,000 Dental bill with cash-so don’t pity me too much thank you very much. I still want my house and I still clip coupons. You are never-never going to get a WWII refugee to understand wasting money.But THAT’s JUST ME. Don’t take it personally. Sheesh! My mother saw the furniture in my house that I bought on 3-6 month lay-a-way and called it junk because I collected 18th Century American painted primitives. She grew up with high style 17th C. Austrian french polish antiques that now sell for $1,000,000+.
Point of view-but she’d grown up with her wealth-and watched it burn. And we’d collected ours. The 80’s and 90’s were great in America. But history is a wonderful subject to study. The pendulum swings. You know,when someone dies or you leave the household in India,it is common to say, “I am sorry if anything I have said or done has caused you pain. I didn’t do it intentionally.” We should leave it at that. I guess I was trying to warn you somehow and you took it entirely the wrong way.
The pendulum hasn’t even finished swinging back to the middle.
I was always sure I could survive any depression this country could dish out. I could sew,crochet,knit,upholster,refinish furniture, repair furniture,cook for 150 people,direct plays,manage kids,organize functions,etc. My husband could repair cars,garden, we both had entertaining skills,-so-come the apocalypse,we were good.
Wrong. I got a disease that-wiped all the +++ out ,he had a stroke,and you know what? In a recession-no one buys anything. So there went my best laid plans.
But what DO we have? We have each other. Two days ago,he was packing his suitcase for his latest business trip and we were sipping 2 buck Chuck, Monterey Jack, Tomatoes from the garden, and watching Wedding for Bella. (I watched it again at 3am and then bought a used copy on Amazon-wonderful movie-it’ll make you cry). So,my husband looks at me,after 40 years. It’s 101 degrees. And he says,”you’re looking very pretty today.” I don’t I’m old. I’m tired. I’m hot. The dog looks up and smiles-ha. He has to do most of the housework now because I can’t. But every few days,he looks at me and says that? Why? Mad Cow disease. Hindu.
Enjoy all your weddings but please-please- try to think ahead? There are more children coming who need air and water and uncontaminated soil. Please?
(In person-I am absolutely adorable. Or so I’ve been told. Lol.)
Too much?
I certainly agree with you about having each other – I don’t know what I would do without my husband. I am certainly not the same person I was when I got married. Who knew 6 years later my father would be diagnosed with brain cancer? Who knew that my mother would completely fall apart without him, using anti depressants just to get through the day? My husband still thinks I’m beautiful, even after 2 kids (and a little residual baby weight!). He still brings me flowers for no reason. He already bought my birthday present because he was so excited to get it for me, even though my birthday is in October. At this point, our wedding is inconsequestial – it’s what happened after that mattered. But I am still not sorry that we spent what we did, and had the day that we did, because it was right for us. I’m sure you did what was right for you. How lucky we are that we both still have our partners by our sides!
” My husband was unemployed for 3 years in a country that won’t fund medical research for breast cancer and ovarian cancer”
In 2012, the NIH spent 712,000,000 on breast cancer research and $138,000,000 for ovarian cancer. That is not included the tens, if not hundreds of millions that are given to charity each year for these diseases.
I would love if the illness I have received 1/10 of this funding.
ANJ
If you study NIH funding with an agenda,you will always come out with the results you expect. I have a number of diseases that only multiplied and gotten worse since I was 3 so I completely empathize. Women get short shrift from the medical world. I take 280 prescription pills a week to control my symptoms and wear a narcotic patch and still get no pain relief. Now that I’m older,my Dr. thinks every new symptom is normal.The last new symptom almost killed me had I not gone to a dentist who found a massive infection under a bridge and immediately cut it in half and extracted the tooth. This was ,I understand,the kind that can attack the heart and kill you. But you know us old people. I was just imagining my face swelling up,heart palpitations,an inability to swallow for 3 weeks at a time till I begged for antibiotics. After extraction, all the symptoms stopped. But we didn’t have insurance earlier and I was -an old lady.
Now the NIH. My husband’s not a fan. He’s been writing grant proposals for a long time. They have some really complicated hoops to jump. And stage 1 funding was all of $100,000 which you have to account for and at the end of the period-say 18 months,if you have $14.96 cents left over,you have to send it back. It takes months to apply. It’s very political. It’s not very generous. It’s small amounts for small projects. When I said funding-I meant either Angel investors or Vulture Capitalists. But The 90’s are gone. Investors want omething that turns a profit in 6-9 months. My husband actually had a team that had performed medical trials and had gotten 90% + results. This isn’t a cure. It’s a diagnostic tool. If you find a lump and a doctor does a biopsy ,there is an agonizing wait of weeks to get the results. This was a fine needle biopsy that could give the result in minutes. So,what does the NIH give out money for? They like to spread it out. But the FNBiopsy only needed funding to take the product to market. A surgeon told him four years ago,”if I’d had your invention today,I could have saved a woman from having a double mastectomy.” And I thought of Kathy Bates. But no investors are ready to invest because medical advances take longer than 9 months. You can see why I don’t worry about wedding costs.I have millions that I don’t have to worry about. But till we conquer liberals and rein in non-traditional marriages,stop adoptions by mixed race or same sex couples, stop illegal immigration ,make sure everyone over the age of 12 has a working firearm and his or her own personal poster of the current Pres of the NRA and a 1 lb bag of beef jerky as well as a $10 off coupon for Hooters . It won’t cure anything,but,the irritation might kill you.
No agenda, just numbers: http://report.nih.gov/categorical_spending.aspx
As for: “But till we conquer liberals and rein in non-traditional marriages, stop adoptions by mixed race or same sex couples,” there are so many things in this sentence I find offensive, I’m not even going to try to respond.
ANJ
Jesus H Buddha girl-I should HOPE so. I tried to make it as offensive as possible. You don’t “get” irony do you? I’m a Jewish Catholic Hungarian Austrian WWII refugee married to an East Indian Hindu with 3 “mongrel” children. And my spouse -gasp-is an NRI. You watch the Koch brthers spend money and you think 712 million is a lot of money? Seriously? My husband deeded $1 million to finish the project. Let go of your anger. I don’t know what illness you have. You sure aren’t paying attention to anyone else’s now are you? You are so stewed in the juices of malice you couldn’t see the humour. The dentist called me 10 minutes ago. They’re going to place 2 implants tomorrow-I need four but-can’t afford that-so I’m getting screwed-since that’s what they are. Ha ha. But the joke is,they are going to give me something I’m allergic to (she wasn’t listening) and they will give me Vicodin-Yeah.I told her not to bother.I have my own. But-again-not listening. She said she’d call back when she could ask my husband the pharmacy number. Excuse me? I can’t get the number? They’ll confuse they pharmacist. G-d had a choice. It was penis,or brains. Guess what she chose? Now calm down and read more carefully. Don’t mess with me. I’m older and I have more insurance.
” You are so stewed in the juices of malice you couldn’t see the humour.”
Without hearing the cadence of voice, it is hard to tell irony, especially with all the yahoos on the internet.
ANJ
As for “I don’t know what illness you have. You sure aren’t paying attention to anyone else’s now are you?”, from the below post:
How am I supposed to ‘pay attention’ to your illness. I wish you the best, but I don’t know you.
I have interstitial cystitis. Google it. It is horribly painful.
ANJ
Dear ANJ- Boy have you picked a fight with the Right/wrong person.
Maybe we should take this somewhere else- like a “how illness can destroy your marriage and leave you snarky and mean forever” site? So they have a name for that now? Big whoop. No really. Ask your Dr. to describe endometriosis on the bladder. No,I’m not being mean.My cadence is full of sympathy-but my Doctors weren’t. It was 1979.I had a 2 year old. And a bladder infection. I was our third cross country move in 9 months. I had no Dr. Thigs weren’t OTC back then. My theory is the infection went on too long till it was treated and lured the little extra tissue like a magnet to my bladder forever. Finding 1 Dr. is hard. Finding 8? I didn’t drive,had a toddler, wasn’t assertive… One Dr. actually said,when I told him I was breast feeding,to call back for a prescription when I’d weened the kid.My family-my choice. Got it? (He walked at 9 months. ,was 5th percentile,wouldn’t wear shoes till he was 4, no teeth till 14 months, full head of hair at birth, 3 moves in 9 months, ended up 5’9″ ,2nd deg black belt,CEO of his own company-I think staining his teeth would be selfish.)
I told everyone who criticized the kids would be weened before they could have the car keys. I got a prescription but the cystitis didn’t stop. it was 24/7. I kept finding Dr.s who suggested when the semester was over,”it would go away.” Right. I went to Dr.s who,1st thing, asked if my husband had “been anywhere funny.” Grrrr. I went to a Dr. who criticized us because our son slept in our bed. (3 bedroom apt you dummy!) and did a DMSO bladder instillation. Then,a female Gynec with a bug up her prick (irony ) who started ranting how much worse other people had it. When I suggested endometriosis-she said,”is that something your mommy read in a magazine?” The next Doctor- the 8th-after 3 years-diagnosed it. Endo on the bladder. That required surgery and lots of expensive medicine-forever. But because of where it was,they couldn’t get it all. It’s not completely gone. I had 2 more surgeries. I’d also had a yeast infection nobody caught-for 3 years. I liken it to drinking 16 cups of tea,holding it for a day,maybe 2, then sitting on a basket full of the old style 2 sided razor blades. DOES THAT sound familiar? And then,I got sick. OK? 40 pills a day-only 2 for that. I was 27- and then I was 61-just like that.
My son’s first words were, “Mama sick. Mama pill,Mama Doc. Mama ow.”
ANJ-I do believe I feel your pain-daily. Since I still get up 7 times a night-ha. I sympathize with almost everyone’s ailment or problem because I either had it,have it,or lived it.
Well, I checked my e-mail this morning and found even more arguements on a thread that’s been going on for over a year…you know how the internet is. Some are downright idiotic, some are brilliant. It’s been a strange source of entertainment.
But I digress, what I didn’t know was that I’d experience a moment of pride.
I get one of those when I know my mere existence as a mixed-race person would/does deeply offend someone.
Cheers!
Well if you think it was me-you too don’t get irony – my last word on this. Click on the picture folks. That’s a bride and groom up there. I-am the bride. He says I glow in the dark. He is the dark handsome one. The year is 1974.The Loving legislation ruling miscegenation laws were illegal was enacted in 1967. See-I’m not just a pretty face and a thorn in your sides. And if you think you offend people-,we as a couple,offended just about everyone who saw us from 1972 on. Every time we were stopped at an intersection,I’d ask him, “what are they looking at?” Do I look funny? We felt perfectly normal. It was love at first sight. It was everyone else who had a problem. And his parents-not thrilled. But my children were the most beautiful,most intelligent,most accomplished,most outstanding-I’d say more-but then I’d be bragging. Mixed race-oh please. Human race.
Get with the program. And learn to read carefully.
You do realize that your ‘irony’ is often hard to get, nu?
This is actually why I have been following such an old thread….for the sheer weirdness it has developed into.
Somehow I was sure when I threw in the personal poster of the Pres of the NRA and a 1 lb bag of beef jerky as well as the $10 off coupon for Hooters, surely you caught a whiff of irony? Should I have added a confederate flag? Free citizenship to Arizona? Chastity belts -one per male customer. Personalized chattle brands for your loved ones,come the revolution?
Nem-I grew up in a family of very punny people. They all made jokes and played tricks and my children were the same and if someone missed the punchline,the rest groaned,”too slowwwwww.” So no I don’t understand
your point. Perhaps it’s my family or my culture ,but-no-I don’t. This is daily fare in Austria. Agreed I don’t belong here. But it’s not because I’m too stupid.Once everyone intermarries and looks the same,you’ll have to face the final hurdle. We have separate cultures and identities that are far more distinct than our outward husks. Germans aren’t humourless.French aren’t quarrelsome. Hindus aren’t lazy.Sicilians aren’t all mafia members. Chinese aren’t all smart.Brazilians aren’t all strolling aroung in bikinis (the men would look ridiculous.) Human race-catch up-and slow down.
spot on, it’s amazing how poorly educated most people are about money. Most people do not have 8 months emergency supply in savings, have an average of 9k in credit card debt at high interest, lease cars, borrow from their 401ks, and have 29k weddings (the 2011 average, funding a 161 billion dollar wedding industry). Those who survived the Great Depression and WWII austerity have been habitual savers, their children (the boomers) lived a high consumption lifestyle with an average savings rate of minus 2%, and their kids (generation X and millenials) are absolutely clueless about the value of a dollar. I’m 28 and I am mortified by the poor financial choices people my age make, it is a catastrophe. Kim Kardashian is morally corrosive, she got Vera Wang to donate a hundred thousand dollar dress, her jewelry and other obscenely expensive product placements were for ratings, I think she twisted the arms of vendors to donate 9 million dollars from her wedding, or she made 9 millions from broadcast rights to her wedding, only to dump her husband in 72 days because she was not happy with him. Dumb, clueless 20 somethings with overinflated sense of their own financial invincibility will look to these bridezillas as being the norm. Star Jones and JLo being other examples of poor role models financially…
Wow… so many different viewpoints. I never understood putting down other peoples’ decisions about where they spend their money – what seriously makes a $500 wedding better than a $50k wedding? That’s what it seems like now, that if you spend more on your wedding people are really nasty about it, and feel like it’s their place to tell you what to do with your money!!
We live about an hour from NYC. Our budget is about $25k. We are not putting ourselves into debt for it – we are saving in advance (which equals a 1.5 year engagement). We have 401ks that aren’t being touched, we’re currently in the process of putting a bid in on a house. We’re living within our means – so what’s wrong with wanting to have a more expensive wedding? Some of the things we are doing may seem silly to people, but *WE* are silly. The choices we’ve made are what *WE* want, and we’re celebrating surrounded by the people *WE* love, who love *US*! Are you seriously going to tell me that’s wrong?? The values here are the same whether we spend $500, or $500k!
Alyssa-Don’t get your $35 Victoria Secret panties in a twist.(Although I’m sure you can afford it.) There are not so many opinions here at all. Simply said,it’s between the 99% and the 1%. Some of America “has” it,and we have learned to live with that,mostly because we’ve never had it. We’re usually called Democrats. Not always,I’m sure,but,usually. We re-cycle. We buy used, we go to Goodwill. We take in strays,go to libraries,used bookstores,co-op groceries,clip coupons, don’t have 401’s back-up plans,and when Obama asks us for $3, we actually only have $3 to give. We are called grass roots because we have-well-very bad hair. What can I say? You-mut be the 1%. Nice to bump into one . Say hello to Romney. We really don’t begrudge you,but in these times when 1 out of every 11 home owners is in foreclosure,don’t ask me to applaud.Have a happy wedding with your choices and remember the people who have no choices at all. You won’t-but I gave it a shot. I’m one of the 1 out of 11. I’ll be out on the street any day now at the age of 61. Not literally-my husband has a job. And that’s what makes me mad. The bank won’t negotiate with people who have lived in the house for 16 years -out of spite. They won’t modify the mortgage or sit down with us because despite what they say on TV-it’s “their policy not to negotiate with the owner.”Previous owners tend to commit suicide upon hearing this.” and when I reminded the supervisor I finally reached after weeks of trying-she sent-the cops. Wow-not help-the cops to wipe up the blood. Welcome to America.
So here’s a wave frome 99% of us who never cheated on our taxes, put kids through college,and believed that banks were honest. Silly us. After 30 years,we’re left homeless and bankrupt and our children think we’re stupid. This is my hand,waving bye bye to America. Auf nie wiedersehen.
So now you are angry at people that can afford something that you can’t? What is your problem? Guess what – I’m a Democrat. We donated money to charity at our wedding in honor of both my grandparents and my husband’s, who had already passed away. I reuse and recycle, too, and I don’t just go to the public library, I work there! I wouldn’t call myself in the 1%, but we are fortunate to be in the upper middle class.
I am sorry that you are having financial troubles. What the banks did to this country is absolutely awful. We are not underwater on our house, thankfully, but we no longer have 20% equity due to the financial crisis. That was a tough blow, but there is nothing we can do. However, I certainly don’t begrudge anyone who has more than I do.
You think that people shouldn’t have the wedding they want, and that they can afford, because YOU are having troubles? That is bizarre.
Hey Alyssa – have a beautiful, beautiful day. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks – do what’s right for you. The people you love, who love you, won’t even be thinking about what you paid for the wedding. They will just be happy for you. Congratulations!!
This is a great thread, and full of good feedback. It just shows what a wide range of philosophies we all share as Americans on value: sentimental and monetary.
I can see both sides of the coin. Growing up, I focused on my education and a career. My parents got married in a courthouse and saved for a house. My fiance’s parents did the same. Now, we own a house and have our own respective careers. We can plan a modest wedding, but it is challenging. What’s most important to us is that because neither of our family had a ceremony and reception, it would be special to do that for them. Moreover, my parents are much older and these type of memories are fleeting (true), but you can’t put a dollar value on a father-daughter dance.
The advantage is now we’re older, established in our careers and have time to plan and do a lot of DIY. We’ve been to our fair share of weddings (32!) and had the opportunity to really narrow down what matters to us. Many people have imparted advice, such as plan 3 months earlier to choose a venue, set a date, choose vendors early before you announce your engagement, etc. It’s less stressful and allows for effective time management and cost savings.
To be fair, many of our friends began with a modest budget but overshot because of unforeseen circumstance, contingencies and lack of planning. Some people spend modestly and make a return on their wedding (something the author didn’t mention). This is especially true for Chinese weddings. So at the end of the day, it’s unfair to judge – out loud – what you choose to do for yourself is your own business too.
Of all the couples I have known who had large weddings not ONE went into debt! I might add that all are still living in the homes they bought which is more than many can say now for sure.
I found this thread and read it because I was hoping to feel better about the money we are spending on our wedding….I had no idea there was so many strong opinions about how the high cost of weddings is a reflection of society or people’s values!
My fiance has a very large family who he is close to and with my family and our friends the total count is about 125 people. But I live in Los Angeles. We TRIED to do it on the cheap but it is almost impossible. We looked into different venues and they are all pricey. Catering is also expensive. My family is not the type to enjoy a quirky In-n-Out burger truck or other creative and clever ideas I have heard suggested on Wedding blogs. We do not know anyone with a large enough house or lawn. etc. etc.
I bought a sample dress, did the invites myself, am cutting out the co-ordinator, the fun extras I originally wanted, and the Honeymoon. We are still paying over $20,000.
Out of everything on my fiance and I’s wish list almost everything has been cut EXCEPT for the fact we wanted all of out family and friends to be at our wedding.
I guess what I am saying is that we didn’t set out to have an “extravagant” wedding. I’m not planning it the way I am because I am trying to impress anyone, or live out some childhood fantasy. We live in LA and feeding 125 people here in a decent place is expensive. That’s just how it is. I suppose we could go down to city hall and do it that way, but to me that doesn’t seem like the way my fiance and I want to start the new chapter of our lives together. For me it’s not really about the state telling us we are legally married but exchanging our vows to each other with friends and family surrounding us.
Lenore-
I’m in similar shoes- I have ALOT of people who are important to me and my intended and I live in New York City. We haven’t started planning in earnest but it looks like a receptions in this area will cost absolute minimum of $125 a person for food, alcohol, and linens etc. plus nearly 30% on top of that for tax and tip. With probably about 150 people expected we know that just the food and drink will be at least c. $25K not to mention flowers, dresses, DJ desserts etc. etc. We could either invite fewer people or cut some big corners, like the bar, but you know what?- I have LOVED celebrating the brides and grooms and their love at every wedding I’ve gone to. And I’m excited to be with people I care about and having a good time to celebrate our love and the beginning of our married life together as well. I would love to do my own flowers and catering just because I love to cook, bake, and arrange- but I’ve already been told by the in-laws to be that they don’t want me going crazy trying to do that for 150 people. Oh well. We’re so blessed to have been offered a $40K+ budget, from people (my in-laws) who have the money, and have already set aside that money for each of their two daughters and a son’s wedding. Don’t worry, they are very financially secure. We will save up a five or six thousand dollars for a modest honeymoon and gifts for our nearest and dearest and any splurges that our parents can’t cover. We will seek out ways to be “green” and socially-concious throughout our planning from the simulated diamond (no blood diamond for me!) that I’m pressuring my FI-to-be to buy instead of a mined one, to donating our excess food and flowers after the ceremony.
Enjoy your special day Lenore. May we both always be so lucky to have the love and support of so many wonderful people!
I hope that you both have a beautiful day! Since I live on Long Island, I know what you mean about the expensive wedding, NYCBride. We had 200 people at our wedding, (and that was after trimming the guest list) and at our venue it was $150 a head. So that was $30,000 for the reception alone. And this was 8 years ago – I can’t imagine what they are charging now! I think people really don’t realize how much things cost in this area. Sure, we could have done it in a much less expensive way, but that was what we wanted, the money was there and no one went into debt, and we had an incredible day to start our new life together. Don’t worry, we are still very much in love – 8 years and 2 kids later, he still is the most amazing person I have ever known.
I think your in-laws are right – don’t do your own catering and flowers. There will be other events in your life that you can use those talents for, because never again will your friends and family be completely focused on and happy for you and your soon to be husband. Enjoy your wedding. I hope for many years of happiness for you, and if I were a guest at your wedding, I would be having fun – not analyzing every purchase you made, shaking my head, and wondering if you went into debt!
Yes! We want to be surrounded by the people in our lives and start this new “chapter” together with them!
I thought you cannot donate food?? I know a lot of the places in our area (Lehigh Valley) don’t let this happen – I am currently working out arrangements on how to donate flowers, etc. 🙂
Yes Elvis I remember the 70s too. A woman my mom knew on the block was beating hell out of her kids and the cops said it was a family matter while Child protection said they had no reason to investigate her son’s broken arm. Credit cards were rare because a brand new car could still be had for as little as 7k. Farmers were just beginning to lose 100 year old family farms because crop prices had been set by the government at lower than the cost of production. Then they blamed the farmers for taking out bank loans to expand as they were told they had to do to survive.
I think for all it’s hassles I will take where we are now. Most people who spend 30k on a wedding have few financial worries I am guessing. Have your wedding in the backyard or the best hotel in town with all the trimmings. If you invite me I will come and enjoy and not judge. Long live personal choice and true friendship.
Crazy spending on weddings mirrors our society’s lack of values and emphasis on everything that is not important and unrealistic. This conversation would not be happening 20, 30, 40, and 50 years ago.
I suspect that the same girls who dream of a “dream wedding” also dream of a “dream house” with stainless-steel appliances (incidentally—very hard to maintain if you like a clean kitchen), granite countertops, huge walk-in closets, hardwood floors, his and hers sinks, updated everything—and this is for their first home. I remember selling homes to first-time buyers in the 1970s. To a couple, they had saved their down payment, had no debts whatsoever, and were elated just to be getting into an old duplex. The average person—which is what most of us are, believe it or not—didn’t waste piles of money on a one-day celebration. People had an understanding of what was important. Credit cards were rare. Parenting was effective. Everything was better.
We have a problem of deteriorating values and out-of-control materialism. In this society girls put pairs of $700. shoes on their charge cards while people are losing their homes left and right and college graduates ring up your purchases at the grocery store—if they can even get that job. Families who never had to ask for anything are on food stamps. Charities are desperate.
Let’s not forget that 50% of brides will divorce their dream men and get rid of everything that reminds them of that magical day.
We are talking about the average wedding costing $30,000. Step back and consider how sick this is and stop trying to convince those of us with some sense that this expenditure is worth it, especially in these difficult times.
Wrong.
My parents got married in 1970, and their wedding cost $50,000. Doesn’t sound so off the average until you realize that that was 42 years ago!! That was an astronomical amount to spend on a wedding in the 70’s. They were soulmates until cancer took my dad 2 years ago. My mother is a broken woman because he is gone – he was truly the love of her life.
So – I guess people DID spend a lot on weddings 40 years ago. Maybe you didn’t, but others did. My parents saved for a house too – and had 20% to put down, and paid their mortgage off early. My father left my mother with enough money to never have to work again, and she would cheerfully give it all up to have him back. She has more money than most people I know, and she refuses to spend any of it because he’s not there to share it with her.
So I guess money isn’t everything, huh? Just so you know, my parents weren’t flashy about their money – my mom still wears t-shirts and jeans that she bought 10 years ago because there isn othing wrong with them, and she drives a car that is 10 years old because she likes it. My mom still lives in the house we grew up in. My parents never got bigger stuff or better toys, because when it came down to it, experiences were more important to them. They liked things like vacations, and weddings – thing that made memories.
And maybe you don’t agree with that. Fine. To each their own. But no one should judge anyone else. Different things are important to different people.
And just so you know, I don’t know anyone who has EVER spent $700 on shoes. I would never think to do such a thing. But if someone has the money, and that’s what they choose to spend it on – why is it any business of yours?
FYI- $50, 000 in 1970 is equivalent to $277567.02 in 2010 (the last year data was available.)
ANJ
Hey-statistics person-what was $350 worth in 1974? My engagement ring was $39.95-I say I was robbed-but I picked it out-after dumbo bought me a jade band that said “14k” on it. Unfortunately,it floated. It was Christmas break and I had 1 more week to delicately tell him the ring was made of wood. So -hard.I made indentations with my fingernail and it floated in water.
Seriously,I hope you find help for you grief. I mourn the loss of my health every day. Your post caught my eye because my daughter’s name is Anjuli-Ani,Anju. I have enormous chronic pain and it twists your life. There are no good days. There is anger that spills over onto everyone and everything.You can’t have a normal conversation,at least I can’t.
“Hi. I’m Jennifer. Welcome to the Red Lobster (El Torrito, Olive Garden,etc)”
Oh my! You look really tired. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Do you have any hemlock with a twist of lime?”
Cheap Cheap,
I KNOW this is late, but it was on today’s “news”. I’ve read an awful lot of your bitching and moaning. Before you jump on me, allow me to explain. Whoopdi-do that you only spent $350 on your wedding 38 years ago. Not everyone wants to be that cheap; others can’t afford (or choose not to) spend that much. That is THEIR business.
Also, no one gives a damn about your family and chronic pain. That has NOTHING to do with this. You seem very angry. Have you tried meditation? Have you heard the phrase “love and let live”? Do you realize that in the United States of America we have the freedom to spend what we want, on what we want, and it’s NOBODY’S business?!
Have you looked into marriage counseling? Maybe a hobby? I don’t understand what gives you the right to judge everyone. Yes, I understand I’m being hypocritical, but at least I know I am.
You need to learn how to be happy in your own life and let others live their lives as they see fit. You are not a hero for only spending a small amount on your wedding. What it actually sounds like, is you hate the idea SO much that you just throw that out there to try and make yourself feel better about it. A person who spent a small amount on his/her wedding and was happy with it would find no reason to throw it at others. They may state it if it came up in discussion (as here) but not overandoverandoverandover as you have been.
And before you jump on my marital status… I was married at barely 22 in 1985. I had the big Italian wedding, complete with custom made gown from a famous seamstress. My father made me wait 2 years after I got engaged so he could save the money for the wedding. I have no idea what he spent, that was his business. He gave me the choice of the wedding or the money for a down payment on a house. I chose the wedding. MY choice (neither good nor bad). 10 years later, the kid gets leukemia sick, husband runs off with a co-worker. Fast forward, I met someone else, we got married on the back porch of the court house with my parents, his mom, my son and a friend. No reception, nada. BUT 15 years later I am as happy as ever, living with the almost-perfect man. Having actually lived both sides, I believe I have the insight that most don’t. It’s not the wedding that matters as many here have said. It’s the person. I have NEVER felt the need to tell anyone about how much was spent.
As for you saying you’re not cheap? Just look at your name. To double it says everything! Maybe you should go on “Extreme Cheapskate”. THOSE people are always good for a laugh.
Get a life and let everyone else live their own.
I have lots of hobbies. But when I mention them, I’m accused of bragging. You just can’t win. I don’t make my kids collect the lint out of the drier so we can make fun little masks. I don’t dumpster diving. I have spent 45 years learning enough to make the experts lose money when I go shopping. I passed my skills onto my children. Their interests aren’t the same as mine or their father’s but the things we taught them allowed one cheapskate to become a CEO who was able to pay his staff this year. The second cheapskate worked full-time while getting her Masters and continues to do the same as she works on her Phd. #3 is a star. All of them can cook, identify ripe fruit, are well-read, and world travelers. So I’m sorry to disillusion you, but I save money where I can or must. It’s a very useful skill and my husband told his friends his expenses were cut in half as soon as we were married. I love telling snotty neighbors or the decorator with her nose in the air when I’m picking out some light fixtures what my plans are. I remember remodeling the last house and miss snoot said “well who’s your designer” Designer? (I could just feel my hillbilly roots-not) “What designer? We just kinda had the contractor draw a big old square on the wall where the stain glass pitcher’s gonna go. That worked pretty good.” And then I chose a lovely Verde chandelier and left-yes-it cost more than my wedding. Meals at The French Laundry cost more than our wedding.
My hobby is knowing what things cost and whether I’m willing to pay it now that I can. And interestingly enough, I’ve given this very same identical advice on 2 other sites but this is the only one where it has been dragged out, been made personal, where no matter what I write to the contrary, I am taunted as admonishing those with money and the way they spend it (although I’ve said my own choice would have been along the lines of $5,000 – $7,000). People who criticize conspicuous consumption usually want a cut of the wealth themselves. I think most of us that objected to $100,000 weddings thought this decade was not the right time for one. And the second major sticking point was was the “oh dear-poor little me-you can’t believe how hard it is to have a decent catered Kosher reception for under $30,000.”
$350 in 1974 would be equivalent to $1607.22 in 2012.
ANJ
How is this sick? And remember, that $30k isn’t being shredded to mulch the garden. It’s being paid to caterers, florists, dressmakers – people who depend on that work. Do you want all of them to go out of business?
Welcome to the Internet – battlefield of the new culture, class, race and gender wars, where anything you say will not only be held against you, but reposted forever for your bosses, your lovers and children to read and mock and judge.
Every detail of your wedding will be scrutinized for cost again and again, and measured against what you came out of. If you spend more than the average and your guests know you enough to know that you’re going into serious hock for it, you will be hated on. The only people who can spend $100K or more and get away with it have names preceded by letters like “HM” or “HRH,” and then have to explain how no taxpayers are footing the bill.
If you can afford a $30K wedding with the videographer and the DJ and all the trappings, congratulations. You’re one of the 1%, or come from a culture with ways vastly different from our own. Things have changed since 2008, in deeper ways than the wedding industry or the media can appreciate. Today, especially after the Kim Kardashian fiasco, spending money at that level on an event that marks a mere beginning to a marriage is considered excessive bordering on tasteless. It is especially so when the result is the same parade of trite, overdone, seen on TLC “gestures” that occur hundreds of times all in the name of being “unique” and “special.” Those take creativity and effort, things rarely seen in most high-end weddings these days.
I understand how you feel, but not every expensive wedding is devoid of personal touches. My husband and I met in college, where we both were theatre majors. 4 years after I graduated (and 2 years after he graduated), he took me back there and proposed to me on the stage where we had met. When we got married, we built a small replica of that stage and bought tiny silverplated chairs to line up in front of it like the seating in the theatre. The chairs held the table seating cards, and the guests were able to take them home. Our wedding party was listed as if they were in a playbill, and the tables were named after Shakespearian plays. My husband had two grandparents who had had cancer and had since passed away, and I had a grandmother who had died from complications due to diabetes. We ended up donating money to the American Cancer Society and the American Diabetes Association in their names to honor the people we loved that couldn’t be there. When I walked down the aisle, the string quartet played a song called “the Maiden’s Prayer,” which my grandmother used to always play on the piano. Her name was Rose, so my boquet was made up of red roses, which always remind me of her. Also, during the ceremony, we picked people that were special to us stand up and read out parts of the prayers so we could have as much participation as possible. Oh, and the day we got married happened to be my mother’s birthday, so I had the band play her wedding song and she and my dad had a spotlight dance.
My point is, please don’t say that those that have a big wedding don’t have special touches. Why does it make us less creative in your eyes because we spent more?
By the way, no royal highnesses here! There are people in this world who can spend $100,000 or more and don’t go into debt. I don’t judge people for spending less – why should I be judged?
STILL not getting all this talk about how much is spent at a wedding. Who cares?!
First, if you truly feel any wedding is “just a party”, maybe you should not be getting married. That is true if the wedding cost 200 bucks or 200K. This is about something much more than “a party”. Next – even thinking this much about how much is spent on a wedding, particularly another person’s wedding seems twisted to me. Wow. Maybe I should hate on you because your car is to expensive or to cheap? Nuts.
My wedding costs:
Prewedding ceremonies cost: $25,000
Wedding gift from my parents (gold) $ 60,000 – now worth 4x that amount. I sold it to buy home.
Wedding ceremony cost $ 3000
Wedding Reception cost $ 48,000
Guest: 680 people (big fat indian wedding)
Gift recieved : $ 60,000K
All in all best day of my life, money well spent. If you want to spend it great, if you don’t – great! Money does not guarntee happiness.
I usually have gone to 2 or 3 weddings a year for the last few (I’m that age). Most have, I’m sure, cost more than $10,000, one,my SIL’s, I know was $40K and I think I’ve been to others even more expensive (based on the location, food served, etc.) But at none of these have I judged the people or their relationship based on the wedding- I know that people have different amounts of money available to them (one wedding was the daughter’s of a Multi-National Corp CFO, another a retail worker and part-time non-profit administrator ) and have different things that they prioritize (I had lobster one wedding in a backyard, another had a 16 piece band for a group of 80, in another the bride wore a designer dress and the music was played on an IPod).
I had a good time at every one, (though I’ll admit there were dicier moments at the one with the port-to-pots in the dark beyond a pavilion) basked in the bride and groom’s, or bride and bride’s, happiness, and most importantly they got to start their married lives with the people they loved around them. I was so honored to be a part of each of their special days. So many weddings even paid homage to those who couldn’t join them- particularly those that had departed.
When I get married next summer, I am blessed to have a budget from the In-Laws that will create a lovely NYC-area wedding- $40K (please note that in our area, to host a meal, bar, and service in a venue for under $100 a person is quite impressive) If I did not have that, I would not go into debt for it (though I’d admit I’d be tempted) but I’m sure that I would use money that would be well spent elsewhere. The In-Laws want to spend that money to surround us with love on our special day, and so that we can invite our shared 15 aunts and uncles, and many more first cousins, close friends from various points of life, old family friends etc. Celebrations and passages of life are what break up the regularity of life. For us, with very full lives, we can’t imagine getting to celebrate with many friends and family and our parents’ friends and family and will likely invite 150+. In our shared cultures it is also the custom to gift heavily as people want to give the newlyweds a good start. We are so lucky. We’d be happy to offer those guests cake and punch in a backyard, but feel lucky to be able to offer them dinner and dancing under a tent.
Well, our wedding (eons ago) cost so little it is amazing!!!! WE eloped and then had a party for our friends a few weeks later. Served “deli tray” food and wines.
Some brought a gift; some did not. One “friend” even left with a bottle of wine.
I still have the dress I wore. A gray and camel shift — and damn, it still fits. I am 5’3″, 108 pounds still. None of our “families” came. Not close connections there — still the same. So for whatever reason, for whatever price., enjoy your wedding whatever way you wish. Our daughter had a magnificent one after 9/11 in upstate New York. A big reception, even a few “famous guests.” (Writers, a famous opera singer, architect). But that is what she wanted. It only matters if you are happy with your choice. And may your years together be as lonn (or longer) than mine.
I post on so many sites, forgive a double post on this one.
I repeat: let’s stop counting other people’s money. We spent 18k on our wedding and could absolutely afford it. I am also sick of hearing weddings being called ” a party”. Way more than that regardless of if you spend 1k or 80k.
Sorry, but I don’t think a person who spends that kind of money on a glorified party qualifies as an “adult”. Spoiled is more like it. Why not a down payment on a house? Why not the kid’s college fund? Why not the hundreds of more important things than a one night party? I get that it’s “your” wedding, but it’s just a wedding. A MARRIAGE is more than a one night affair, so why start this new chapter with $30,000 of wasted consumption spending.
And, more importantly, all brides should ask themselves one question: what are you over-compensating for? I’ve seen enough Bridezillas to know what kind of women obsess over their wedding. All divorces waiting to happen. Don’t be that person.
A good marriage does not come from dumping money into the wedding industry. It comes from dumping hard work into the relationship.
We got married and had a deli provide trays with food for the guests Bought some wines. (One “guest” took a bottle home — never asked). We received a few gifts — some gave none. That was OK. Been married ever since. We spent our money on travel. Still traveling — Living in Paris for 4 months. One man we know at
age 21 spent his money on a grave plot. Sincerely hope these eons later he has not had to use it. People wonder why we travel so much — “because we can.” And we only had one child who learned to do everything she wanted: dance, sing, ride a horse, become a SCUBA dive master. and attend Oxford for a year. Life is good~
My question is, how and why do you know how much your friends budgeted for their wedding? Why is this your business or anyone else’s? I am not suggesting that they should be ashamed or embarrassed about the cost, because I believe you should spend whatever you want on your wedding if you can afford it, but why broadcast it? People will only judge you; they will think you are spoiled and self-indulgent if you spend more than a certain amount and that you don’t care about having a good time if you spend very little. I say whatever the bride and groom want and can afford is what should be spent.
Apparently you’re not keeping your mouth shut if you’re blogging about it.
I don’t think it’s fair to lambaste all who spend a lot on their wedding. We ended up spending $50,000 for our 150 person wedding in Los Angeles, and it wasn’t something that I (the bride) wanted. I would have definitely preferred a small, intimate wedding. However, in my particular culture it’s considered disrespectful to your family not to basically go all-out for your wedding.
We have friends who could have afforded nice weddings and decided to spend all the money on a giant engagement ring and elope without inviting anyone. Is that fiscally smart? Perhaps. Is it selfish in some way? Yes, according to our culture.
And no, none of us went broke with the amount of money we spent. Nor are we any debt from it. FYI, am a 2nd generation Asian American.
I moved to Texas when I was 12 with my parents – does that make me first or second generation? I guess first, maybe first and half? lol
Well, I am running into the issue of my parents wanting to over-spend as well. If we were very well-off and I know it, sure, why not let them spend the money they’ve worked so hard for? The problem is, I hear them voice their concerns over retirement and their future, and health, etc. To me, those things are way more important than an elaborate, all out wedding, cultural or not.
My fiance is not Asian, he’s probably best described as “Caucasian,” and I’ve discovered something – there are so many of us “minorities” – be it Asian or Hispanic or whatever… use culture too much as an excuse to do things our way. So many complaints about “cultures” not being respected. Well, what about the American culture? I look at my fiance’s family, and they have been nothing but respect toward my home culture, and wanting to do everything they can and reasonably to accommodate the differences. Even though it is common for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, they have decided to chip in on a very large amount. I am grateful for them, and sometimes I wonder whether or not my own family, my own culture, realizes that we have to respect the American culture as well, and just because we’re paying more doesn’t mean we get to make all the calls.
I wish my parents could understand this: It’s not just going to be their Asian daughter’s wedding – it’s going to be a union of two cultures and both should be considered.
I wonder whether my parents ever even thought of the possibility that his family would rather prefer a much smaller, more intimate wedding?
Oh please-get over yourselves. I am not having a contest with anyone over who had the cheapest wedding. I’ve never asked or cared what people spent. I spent what I had which was practically naothing. Saving money has always been a game I had to play. As for weddings,with no expectations or dreams or support,I had only 2 basic thoughts in mind.
It had always bothered me that the most beautiful important and expensive dress you would ever wear in your life ,was something you could only enjoy for a few hours and then have to pay storage for-which was another amount I hadn’t budgeted.
The second thought was about my boss in my first year of College who died when his National Guard Transport overturned on the way to Madison,Wisconsin during the notorious attack on the UWM Physics Dept. He was a newlywed of 3 months and I learned at the funeral that the widow would probably need 8 years to pay off the wedding.
These are all I thought of when considering ceremony cost and I swore the wedding,if I ever had one,would be paid off on the day itself. Oddly enough,the UWM bombing was the reason my future husband,who had admission to UWM as a Graduate student and T.A., had to change his plans and take the same position at the University of Wisc. Milwaukee,which was 1 1/2 blocks from my home The rest is history.
If you are borrowing that kind of money for a fancy wedding, I’m afraid that says that in all probability you aren’t mature enough to get married in the first place.
In hindsight I wasn’t ready to get married when I did; not for this reason, but when you are in your twenties you are very likely to believe you are more mature than you are. I know I did.
True, it may be their money but it still sems crazy to blow that much money when you could save most of it and still have a nice ceremony.
One of my friend took a loan out to get married – well past 30K, still paying off wedding 8 years later. We barely spent a fraction of that, came out in the black and enjoying toys we can afford because its more than just one day.
Racist is when thinking being brown or from somewhere excludes you from racism. My family is Indian as well and the problem here is that where you are from sets your expectations for a wedding. I am sure the wedding in Texas was beautiful no matter the price, but people from the north or other countries might see it as something else. Everyone has their own cultural and financial expectations of a wedding. The problem here is people with different expectations judging others. If you were from the same background and financial means, your opinion on someone else’s ceremony might have value!
The “how much did you spend? Hah! I spent MUCH less on a MUCH cheaper wedding so I am morally superior to you” is bad enough, but try having a secular, non religious wedding officiated by a friend and not the Baptist preacher and watch your Southern Baptist relatives go absolutely batshit insane. It doesn’t matter if you and your husband to be are not even Christian. What matters is that YOU have the type of ceremony THEY would approve of and the budget THEY think you should have.
All this is petty judgement, nothing more.
For the record: $4,000, in the concert hall where we got our undergrads. the bulk of that was spent paying the musicians who came to play for us. I spent $1000 on my dress, because it was beautiful, I could afford it, and that’s the dress that made me happy. No regrets.
I’m getting married in September and its going to be a wedding for two. I’m a different kind of girl, I never dreamed of this big wedding with all the glitz and the glam. I’m a very practical person. I have a very big family, couple close friends, and hundreds of associates (thanks to my career & schooling). But the reality is I only talk to about 10 people on a very regular basis who really know everything going on in my life. I could have created some elaborate guest list and thrown a crazy extravaganza (believe me we can afford it), but it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. And those closest people to me live all across the map. I just don’t want to share my day with all these people and want my day to just be focused on my husband and I. We’ve booked a luxury resort in the Texas Hill Country for our ceremony followed with dinner for two and a night consummating our marriage. Not having to entertain everyone else allowed us plan more for just us on our day. Different strokes for different folks.
But have you seen Bridezilla…all that effort, all that stress & all that money for usually some of the most tacky, raggedy, low-budget looking weddings and most of them can’t even afford the big shindig despite all these people talking about what they can afford. The reality is most CAN’T afford these big weddings like they can’t afford everything else hence this financial crisis. Not Wallstreet’s fault but irresponsible spending. Be practical people!
I love your comment. Not all of us dreamed of big weddings or even had bride dolls. My parents didn’t even have wedding rings.So she never passed down dreams of orange blossoms and flowing white gowns to me. She told me about bunkers and bombs. I have seen a few episodes of Bridezillas and recorded them to show my husband to see what a bargain he got. We always laugh and wonder why the couple even went on a second date much less decided to get married. Even if I had been rich,I wouldn’t have had a much more elaborate wedding. Being the center of attention wore me out.I have yet to buy any dress as costly as the average wedding gown. Maybe that’s why my husband urges me to splurge on myself more frequently,even after 40 years. And you just go right on consummating. What other word would they have you use?
My parents eloped, so I guess that’s why I’m not concerned about a big shindig. 🙂 But I never understood these huge expensive weddings. I’ve been to some absolutely beautiful weddings with beautiful brides, but the problem I’ve always seen is the bride (and groom) are only the center of attention for about 30 minutes. And the majority of the people you might not even talk to or see for a couple of years. I feel like if you mean something in my life you will spend time with us and create some real memories with us for years to come. Not wasting a bunch of money on just one day just so people “see” me getting married.
I married my best friend December 3rd, 2011. We decided not to go into wedding debt and decided that if we could not pay cash for it we would not do it. We paid $250 to rent a VFW, a coworker DJ’ed for us for a tip, father-in-law paid $200 for BBQ brisquet and my mother-in-laws side made the potatoe salad and beans as well as buying my husband his suit. We bought nice plastic table ware and my parents bought our 4 teir wedding cake from a friend of the family who made it for us. The owners of the place I work paid for my $400 dress as their family gift to us and my uncle (by trade) and another boss (by hobby) took professional photos. My husband and I spent between $500-$800 of our own towards the wedding and everyone who came said it was perfect.
That being said, not for any other reason but this… it doesnt matter how much you spend or do not spend. What matters is the reason you get married.
My man and I dated in high school. We broke up, went our own ways, lived life but then found each other again 18 years later. We hope, pray and have faith that God will keep our marriage strong and together.
We had our “6th month wedding anniversary” date night tonight, went out for dinner and talked about the wedding, how we would do it all over again just the way we did it then.
I think that people choosing to negate other peoples desire to spend a lot or a little on their own wedding is silly. For my husband and I, we chose to keep things simple, less mess and less worry. That was for us, but for others who want to make their day just as memorable for them by spending a lot more, well thats their joy.
I agree with some of the comments. It is really no ones business how much is spent on a wedding. If you were invited as a guest then enjoy the event and be happy for the couple.
To ALL of the commenters, whether you spent $1 or $100K, congrats on your happy times. 🙂
First of all, I’d love to know where $30k is a down payment on a house, because I should move there. Try tripling or quadrupling that, then you’ll be closer to reality, at least here in California.
Secondly, people spend what they can afford. People pay for what they value. It’s unkind and judgmental to condemn this couple for spending what they can afford for something that is truly meaningful to them. Your wedding only meant $200 to you. It means more to most other people. That’s fine. It’s not a referendum on how the marriage will turn out. I think we all know people who had small, inexpensive weddings *and* people who had large, expensive weddings who are now divorced.
I think if you’re struggling to afford the wedding costs and putting large payments on credit cards, you should probably reevaluate. If you can reasonably afford what you’re spending, then good for you. A wedding is worth different amount to different people. The author needs to remember the old adage, MYOB.
In the Atlanta Metropolitan Area, there are houses going for 20K in excellent condition due to the economic slump. Therefore, mansions can be purchased for a comparatively miniscule amount. Pools, basements are not uncommon.
You’re right Gloria – you can buy historic mansions in Detroit for 40K. It’s the coasts and places like Chicago where housing is in the millions. Want to live in LaLa land, Seattle, – it will cost you. want Lake Shore in Chi – or Hamptons, sure big bucks. It’s Location. But there are magnificent mansions designed by world famous architects on the river in Detroit for under 100K. And yeah we have Saks & N.M here too.
I know this is an old thread, but I’m just curious how posting this article to a public site constitutes “keeping [one’s] mouth shut”. Is the author’s name a pseudonym? Do the friends not know the writer’s work? Kind of bizarre. But then, maybe this is just a by-product of the era of full-disclosure and virtual relationships–I guess if you write it on a blog you didn’t really “say” it?
Yeah. Sure.
I think its really tacky to talk about how much your wedding budget is to your friends. That private information should only be known to the bride and groom and any other family that is contributing to the costs. Just like when you are putting on a dinner party you don’t talk to your guests about the cost of the food and decorations!
What the writer of this article is not considering is whether family members are contributing to the cost of the wedding. When the bride and groom are paying for the entire amount themselves then, sure I agree with what she is saying. Or, maybe between the 2 of them they have money in savings and maybe their parents, or grandparents are putting in money for this wedding. Regardless, it is still none of her business and she shouldn’t jump to any conclusions or decide for herself that they are overspending. Everyone has different priorities and different budgets.
You weren’t very successful at “keeping your mouth shut”, were you?
I’m getting married on Saturday. It has all been very expensive, but it was what we both wanted and we are not going into debt over it. I won’t say what anything costs but some things have been very inexpensive and some haven’t. It does all add up very quickly though. I think the most important thing is to do what you can and what you want, stay relaxed and focus on one another and your families.
My ex husband paid for our entire wedding (my mom passed away before I met my ex; my father has been out of my life for a long time.) We borrowed from my ex’s 401k to pay for everything, and we did repay the 401k. I don’t know how much the wedding was, probably in the 20k range, in 2003.
We divorced one year ago.
I would have married him in a tiny ceremony or something much, much more elaborate if that’s what he wanted. We were deeply in love and the ceremony did not matter to me, the relationship did.
We were able to have the ceremony the way we wanted it. Planning and executing the wedding together was quite a test of our compatibility, and of how we worked together under stress.
But the wedding had nothing to do with the divorce. We grew as people, but unfortunately grew apart.
I miss what we had, I miss our relationship and our friendship. I wish our marriage could have continued. But how long should two people stay together when they are miserable?
until they have exhausted every possible way to fix it?
It is not your place to say anything. This is their wedding, they see the bills and know it’s costing a lot. This is their day not yours….
Thank you
I’d be interested in learning where people who are shocked about at $30K price tag live. That seems about average for the weddings I have attended, in NY (not NYC), Chicago, Ohio, Maryland, etc. I don’t consider any of those families wealthy, though they are certainly not poor.
I also don’t understand why we are so judgmental about the amount of money someone saved or spent. Certainly the amount is irrelevant. If you enjoyed the love, experience, romance, commitment, and family on that day, then you did what was right for you. And if you are still with that man or woman you committed to on that day, then congratulations and blessings to you, and I hope you make your marriage work for life.
Chris,
I’ve been to a stoner beach wedding and it was fun. What was the point? Glad you saved money. I do not think anyone has argued that you can’t get married for a 100 bucks at the justice of the peace. The argument is that while you chose to do that, some people choose to throw an expensive event to celebrate their day their way. Only a few people in the world most likely sit there and think how much they can spend on a wedding as a goal. Most people have an idea of how they would like to celebrate their day and then try to come within a budget. If they choose to go into debt for the event, does that make them more wrong than the person that goes into a debt for a house, ski boat, clothes or whatnot? If you have a credit card, I am willing to bet you have bought something you don’t need. You are most likely typing on something you don’t “need” right now.
If you want to spend 5 dollars on your wedding or a million, it has no relation to the success of your marriage and if you think it does, you must be a moron. The petty jealous and racist comments about other cultures are ridiculous. There are extreme examples for everything in the world, even in the previous U.S.. The dowry system is illegal in India, but you can’t force people to follow laws even in the most civilized places. Priest and pastors have been found to be criminals, rich and poor and people of all religions and ethnic groups. The bigotry and hate here just goes to show the potential we have to be miserable people. The original poster on this top should have actually kept their mouth shut instead of judging someone.
Raj-and let me remind you-they are-illegal but for the few who can also pay or are willing to pay the bribes involved. India is the richest,poorest country in the world. People can ,have,and continue to sell their organs to pay dowry-also illegal. Bride burning is more common in the big cities. Raj,you’ll the answer to this-why? Because families promise anything to get a daughter married and if the dowry wasn’t high enough, i.e. the inlaws demand a new fridge or a.c., another 10 gold saris, bangles, and a condo,and that must have item,a new car, the bride has and accidental fire in the kitchen. I have more than one cartoon in the Indian Times
which shows the mother-in-law reading the newspaper and her son standing by her,the burnt out kitchen in the background,and the caption is, ” Don’t worry,Beta. We’ll burn as many as it takes to find you the right one.”
I’ll bet you though Slumdog showed the nasty side of India-right? You’re preaching to the wrong audience. In this country,people are no more able to save for elaborate weddings than they are for college or retirement-or haven’t you heard? China owns the U.S. and they’re going broke. India is outsourcing jobs. The world is a little nuttier than it was yesterday. And in the words of J.L.” All you need is love.”
I don’t think Raj was talking about Indian weddings in India (although not everyone in India is poor there is a middle class in there somewhere that have nice weddings). I think Raj was talking about Indian weddings in other parts of the world, the U.S, Canada, England, Norway etc. And I agree with Raj, being Indian I know my wedding will be expensive should I choose to get married.
It is definately planned at birth – my parents saved for my education and my wedding along with their retirement.
But I do agree, there is so much wrong in India in terms of weddings and marriages it would take an entire board to fill. Things are just out of hand there, especially in the villages. There is too much emphasis on making your husband happy and joining your husbands family that women are left without support.
I really doubt if Raj was referring to weddings outside of India lasting 5 days. The relatives I have -for those of who consider me to be racist? Please learn to read more carefully. My relatives are Bandopadhyaya,Gangopadhyaya,
Mukhopadhyaya, Chattopadhyaya. Get it? Good old all Americans who don’t understand Raj and speak from complete ignorance. If you knew what you were talking about,you would know there are a myriad of middle classes in India.There is the Oberoi Hotel and in front of that are shacks,and in front of those are tents, and in front of those are the people with with a scrap of plastic and in front of those are the people who have nothing. That is India. That is New Delhi. That is Mumbai,Kolkata,Pune. I’m not being racist. I am a resident.
Well, I’m also Indian. I know that while there is a middle class there is also the extremly poor side of things. I’d have to argue that the same situation exists in many different places. While I find that the relatives I have in India are really pushing for their children to be educated, but that might just be the people my family knows.
My family doesn’t travel to India very often, but we try to go atleast every 3 or 4 years. But where I live (outside of India), we still have 4 or 5 day wedding. In fact, alot of relatives try to get their weddings on long weekends so things can start on Thursday and finish on Sunday not to mention parties before and gatherings after. This probably depends on different famalies, but I have to say at minimum weddings are 2 day events if you are far from the bride and groom, and up to 5 or 6 days if you’re close to the family.
But weddings in Canada cost alot more then weddings in India (my cousin was married in India last year and still spent quite a bit of money). Point is, I’d probably be part of the people that spend a lot on their weddings.
And I was just wondering, do you currently live in India?
Oh, and I’m not an American. Nor do I believe that there is any extent of racism in what you’re saying, I don’t understand where that is coming from. Regardless, I understand how poor people can be. On my last trip to India, it broke my heart to see a man with no legs begging for money. Trust me I don’t wear rose-colored glasses.
Indian weddings average $100k if the family is well off.
This is because they are so long (up to 5 days), very elaborate, and have in excess of 500 guests. It is an expenditure planned for a kid, the same as college tuition, or a parent’s retirement.
30k is an insane amount of money! We are spending about 6k in all including the dress and all that. We are getting a little help from my fiances parents.. but mostly paying ourselves and paying them back for whatever they help with. oh man, 30k though! crazy!!
It’s not like they will stay married long anyways.
You’re the biggest idiot on this message board! Die a slow and painful death, like this message board is doing. I’m sure you are a terrible person (like a ton of others here), what with all the counting of others people’s money going on here.
Ethan. Go away. My daughter dumped you. Go back to begging on the street little man.ROTFLMAOYST. Explore therapy. You realize insurance covers it and so do most charity organizations. There are walk-in clinics in every major city and since I am not a vindictive individual,I wish you all the best as long as you stay away from my daughter who can have anyone and doesn’t need an idler and an obviously needy and selfish individual who wants a china doll to unpack on weekends. It’s time for her to emulate her CEO brother and Phd. sister. Set your sights on a nice waitress. Hooter’s perhaps?
I wasn’t going to reply any longer to this nonsense, but seriously?? You are delusional to think that people are stalking you on message boards. I do not have the displeasure of knowing you in real life. You really are an idiot, it’s now confirmed. Go jump off a cliff.
Ethan-Stop it before I call your demented mother and she has you put away for good. This is what happens when monkeys and anteaters crossbreed. And now you think you’re Mr T. Well I certainly can see the resemblance but you’ll never have the fashion sense. Rest in pieces.
Sigh-to beat a troll-be a troll. Bye bye Mr.T. If you ever get an obscene phone caller,pray fervently over the phone for them (“Be Healed-I ask you in the name Of JEE-SUS.) Works every time.
For Christians-educate yourslelves and become a distraught Rebbe.
Finish off with a chorus of Hava Nagila
For bill collectors-I’m a little Ukrainian woman-or my mother, or a baby,or switch languages. Guaranteed to work,and lift your mood.
How kind of you to take time out of you busy day not only to correct us, but to curse us ,albeit using initials. I take it you are a texter. May you text and crash. Can I mention that you yourself are missing,not only a few verbs, but a few marbles? And Rohit,I had an Indian wedding. It still cost $350. And our relatives aren’t rich so none of them are having $40,000 weddings either. As you well know,there are laws against dowry and excessive expense on such occasions even if some people choose to ignore them. India should not be so proud to be going into debt for the sake of appearances when the great majority still live like the people in Slumdog.
Who cares?! And Patty, I clearly explained the so-called ‘high’ divorce rate earlier. It isn’t…and you have terrible grammar. Money is no one’s business other than the people spending it. Are they asking YOU for it?! Oh, no?! Then STFU about it.
This price tag is the lower end of an urban middle class wedding in India. The average price tag usually are around ~40,000 USD. Well, the wedding “industry” is super big in India.
We spent $350 38 years ago. But to all of you who demand more and better,I watched Undercover Boss for the first time last week and the very wealthy CEO gave a dream wedding to one of his employees and he gave it in the form for a $20,000 check to cover everything.He’s wealthy and even he has a limit.It’s $20,000.
To say weddings are so out of hand is putting it midly. Thank You Hollywood. And sadly with the divorce rate and economy lik it is people still dole out the money. We have helped pay for 2 weddings so far and trust me, what we gave could have paid for a very beautiful simple wedding. My youngest son said he wants to marry on the beach one day and I’d rather give him the money and let him and his one day future bride do with it what they want. A wedding is a union of two people in love. So, while those of you who dip in savings, 401K and use the almighty credit card, we will be retired one day living a very comfortable lifestyle.
Just be smart about it! My wedding (only 6 months ago) cost $5,000. We spend $1,000 on the church (500 for the chapel, 500 for the priest and counseling, my friend played the piano for 75 bucks), $3,000 for the reception (Clay’s restaurant, open back yard, patio, and dance floor with twinkle lights and peacocks, and a cabin room with A/C to hold the dinner– they did the decorations, we only paid for food!), $800 for my dress (Albert Angelo store, moving to a new location, leaving their tired and frequently tried on dresses at their old store to sell half price.. Got a dress with missing buttons and a broken zipper– and THEY fixed it… for free!) and $400 on misc: three dozen long stemmed daises (each bridesmaid had one, I had a bundle, and the rest were put on the reception tables), my friend’s mother made the bridesmaid dresses for $50 each (bridesmaids paid), my cake was about $75 at a local bakery, and my father hooked his ipad to a speaker and voilla!! It doesn’t have to be brain science! Just be smart about it, and don’t think everything you buy has to be traditional and new. Our wedding was beautiful, intimate (about 50-60 ppl), and romantic. Cheap but fun honeymoon at Moody Gardens in Galveston– snuck into a dance, smoked cigars, enjoyed ourselves! Really, it’s all about the romance– the details all fit into place on their own.
Just want to say I married my husband on the patio at my work because we couldn’t afford to fly home 60 days before the wedding my parents paid for to get our license. We enjoyed an elaborate, beautiful memorable wedding for which we were legally married to begin with. It was huge and about 100$ a head. That is what my Mother wanted to do for us, and I was happy to let her. I have wonderful memories and pictures that will last me a life time. My husband is my best friend and always will be. That’s how i knew he was the one. I know this is an old thread, but I have to say we had it both ways. Free and expensive. How much you pay or don’t has noting to do with how long you will stay married. In-fact, I would think that paying a lot and planning all those months would make you even more sure you were doing the right thing. Walking in and out of a courthouse doesn’t take much thought or dough. Either way you do it shouldn’t matter as long as you smile when you open your eyes every morning. Which I do. 🙂 xo
Hilarious. Just because I understand money and when and where to spend it doesn’t mean I’m poor -or even cheap. I never tip less than 20% because I value the work others do. I am known as “cheep cheep” actually,because I have always tried to spend wisely. I live well ,good times or bad,because I shop for bargains, and while that may mean buying a couch for $30, when I’m done with it it is once again a beautiful restored antique. I always told the kids I was grateful we had no money to start with,because the husband wanted Danish Modern and we couldn’t afford it. We could afford a walnut fainting couch for $20 sans fabric,springs,or stuffing.Being “unwealthy” was a boon that taught me to get more and appreciate more what treasures we eventually had. Nice word-play though, Mike. Spider Robinson would be underwhelmed.
Sorry, lady, but ANYONE can know the value of a dollar, know when/how to spend it best, shop around for bargains, and realize that the non-material things in life are the ones to be treasured the most – REGARDLESS of how much money they make, have, or inherit.
You had a $350 wedding. You say it was awesome. And lovely. And guess what? Good for you. Even if you could have afforded to spend $1,000, like you wanted to if you could – that’s still relatively inexpensive for a wedding. And like someone above said, it HIGHLY depends on where you live. A back yard, park, farm that is big enough for the festivities? AWESOME, you show me where I can get a place like that in New York City proper, that can hold 400+ people, and doesn’t have a ridiculous restrictions on time, food, or music, and, oh yea, that doesn’t cost AT LEAST $10,000? I’d get married there in a heartbeat. *Some* people also have large families who they don’t get to see as often as they want to, where it would make the bride and groom amazingly happy if as many of their relatives as possible could come. Other have dietary restrictions – I recently went to a wedding where 75% of the guests were strictly Kosher. Most Kosher caterers, at least in the Northeast, charge about 100% – 300% more per plate than regular caterers.
Basically, just cause a person has enough money to spend $50,000 on a wedding without going into debt does NOT mean that they’re spoiled and naive when it comes to money. Sometimes, it’s what they CHOOSE to spend it on, and just cause others think that there are more important parts of life, who cares, it’s not their choice. It’s solely the bride’s and groom’s. People don’t choose which family they’re born into. If they end up with more money than God, but use it wisely, good for them for having a sensible head on their shoulders.
I’m sorry you didn’t have much money, but you seem grateful for it. Good. But that doesn’t give you the right to stereotype people who do, and tell that how they should spend their money. And honestly, it’s not your business!
Re: your reply to the lady wrote that she spent $100,000 on her wedding, just cause she’s “only” in her 30s, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her husband any less than you love *your* husband, just because you’ve been married longer and have experienced more together. I know *plenty* of couples in their 80s and older where a divorce would’ve been a blessing.
(And between you and me? The fact that you’ve mentioned that you “spent only $350 38 years ago!” makes it seem that you’re subconciously/passively bitter or disappointed about it. If it really didn’t matter like you claim, you would’ve only said it once in your first post, or not at all, other than “it was inexpensive, but very lovely.”)
Obviously you don’t want a wedding. You want a war. My wedding was Hindu and Muslim. We managed. If I needed to have 2oo people over this weekend-there’s always my backyard. My wedding was held in a park. I went to a lovely one in Seattle held in a Library. Don’t suppose New York has those. Church Halls rent out for all kinds of functions. New York have any of those. I didn’t explore interesting options like the U. It wasn’t a big deal to me. You seem to have the issue. In fact-I believe you bought the entire subscription. When our youngest child had her Anna Prasan-or “first rice” ,I invited 150+ guests over for a 20 course dinner. We’d moved into our re-model house 6 days before. It was a disaster.It had to be held then according to the horoscope but the re-model had just begun and the furniture wasn’t set up and I did all the cooking -“and it was lovely.” Occasions are successful because you put your heart into them-not your wallet. So what the hell is your problem?I’m still married. Just how bitter can I be? I recycled before it became chic. Want to brand that as anal- retentive? Passive-aggressive? Or is it I hate to waste things. You don’t use your full name. See? You’ve made a start already and saved a few letters from dying on the vine.
You really seem to be angry at the price of Kosher weddings in New York. Ever thought of Moving the wedding to Pennsylvania? Lots of land out there. Or Jersey-The Pine Barrens maybe? Seems like your style. I can find you hundreds of lovely gowns for under $100 with hand beading-Silk. New. Custom made. But I think your problem would be finding a groom because sweety,you are a real bridezilla in the making. You think I’m bitter after 38 years -what a hoot. We came back from celebrating our Anniversary last month because our vacation is always on our anniversary. And today,my husband used getting our new glasses adjusted as an excuse to take me out to lunch
. So yeah-I’m really bitter. You see,I wear my wedding dress every year-to re-live that horrible day,LOL, and whatever we lacked in wedding accoutrements,we make up for on honeymoons.
(But congrats for hanging out with the oldsters. I’m a lot younger than 80. So my husband is still really cute as a button,slim,intelligent,obstreperous, and we still haven’t run out of things to say. As a matter of fact,his Dr. said we were one of those couples who were “most likely to die within a few days of each other” which made me very happy because neither of us wants to be left behind. Yes. The thing I worry the most about is ,was my wedding large enough. Fool.
You seem to think way too much about how much your wedding did or didn’t cost. I just focus on my marriage and my husband, who is my best friend. Our wedding day was the most beautiful day of my life, apart from the birth of our children. I just went to a wedding 4 days ago, and every time I attend one it reminds me of how lucky I truly am. I tear up at weddings because it brings back the memories of how much in love I was on that day, and how much more I love him now. We picked a classic song as our wedding song, which was the best decision, because it’s a song that is always played at weddings, whether there is a band or a DJ, and I get to dance to my wedding song with my amazing husband at a wedding all over again. We have a home, two beautiful children, no debt except for our mortgage, and although our life is not all roses, we are lucky enough to have each other. Ever since my father passed away and left my mother a widow after 40 years of marriage I have realized how short that time can be.
How much did our wedding cost? $100,000. I regret nothing, no one went into debt, and I loved every minute of it. I don’t make it a habit to tell friends or family how much we spent, and I don’t want to know how much they spent either. Anyone who is truly judging people when they attend a wedding obviously don’t have the couple’s best interest in mind and shouldn’t be there. When I attend a wedding, all I think about is the couple who is getting married and hope they are as happy as I was then and still am now. Everything else is inconsequential.
Christilynn,
I’ve come across this thread late … but just wondering WHO actually paid for your $100,000 wedding ???? Did you and your spouse ??? or was it your / his parents ???
If you and spouse paid for all or most of it, then great !! How did you do it without going into debt ??? Find it hard to believe …
If your parents paid this obscene amount for a wedding – even if they were wealthy … shame on you !!! Think of the OTHER things they could have done, for themselves or for you and your hubby, with that ridiculous amount of money !!!
TxGal, I would not say “shame on you” to allow parents to pay. In my case, I can’t seem to stop them. If it were up to me, I’d either elope to a beautiful place and enjoy a world of just me and him for this special memory, or have the wedding party and close family members only and have a 30 people intimate wedding. But no, my parents are so freakin’ worried about their “face” that they keep writing me these big checks (22k so far) and I just keep telling them, “I’m putting that into the bank, because you tell me it’s a “gift” to us. I am not putting that into our wedding anymore, because it is big enough as it is.”
Of course, he gets pissed about it despite the checks being “gifts” to us and that he claimed no interest in the planning. Whatever.
I’m super frugal, and right now, super frustrated? Shame on me, perhaps, for not having a tighter reign on my parents for our wedding. It’s a huge headache. I agree, they should keep their money and enjoy their retirement.
I know I’ll be supporting their old age, so I’m doing exactly what I told them – thanks, the money will be safe at the bank.
So far, the wedding total is costing a little under $20k, while my original budget is $10k. No one will be in debt – I can afford $100k wedding and not be in debt, but I find that kind of spending ridiculous for someone like me.
This is for TxGal – I’m not sure if I am replying in the right place…
My parents did, indeed, pay for my wedding. My husband’s parents chipped in as well, for about $10,000 or so of it – my parents told them they could contribute as much or as little as they felt they could. I asked my mother if we could just have the money instead of the wedding and she said no – the money was for a wedding. No wedding, no money – they would have given us a gift, but it certainly wouldn’t have been $100,000. That money was earmarked for the wedding. I know $100,000 is a lot of money (although I want to point out that I live on Long Island, and that is by no means an uncommon amount to spend) but my parents wanted to do it, and we had the time of our lives. My mom still says that planning my wedding was the happiest time of her life. My husband’s parents would come every weekend to plan, and we all got to really become a family that way. These memories are precious to me, since my father passed away 6 years later. He told me, when he was sick, that he was glad he could give me the wedding he always wanted for me.
TxGal, I know it’s a lot of money, and I certainly know it’s much more than most people can afford. But I assure you, no one went into debt. In fact, my dad paid for the whole thing in cash. My point is, that if someone has the money, what is the difference how much they spend? You talk about the other things that they could have done with the money – but you are not understanding that this is what they WANTED to do with it – and no one went broke because of it. I think sometimes people envision that all really expensive weddings leave the bride and groom, or their parents, destitute. I agree 100% that no one should go in debt over a wedding. But if a person can afford it, and they want to do it, why does everyone think there is something wrong with that?
Dearest Sweetest most unusual (when we are both reincarnated gay can I marry you?) Texas Gal,
It will be a while because my next 7 lifetimes are promised to my husband-
But-
Even people like Bill Gates who are super rich,feel responsibility.
I’m not in a race to be the cheapest, spend the least,etc.
I do feel a certain amount of resentment toward me on this thread for not wasting money.
To:probably now Mrs. Kosher Catering in NYC.-My mama was a Jew in German during WWI and WWII. She never had a wedding dress or a maternity dress. She was happy not to be (as she colorfully put it) baked in an oven or made into a bar of soap by that crazy little paper hanger)
Hitler fancied himself an artist in a country that bore Strauss,Beethoven,Mahler,Schumann,Mozart,etc., and all he could do was get a job as a wall paperer. Sure murdering 8million + was a little bit on the over kill side-But really-no reason to get mad at the threefold catering price.
Ja?Ja. Learn to cook your own damn food and escape the Jewish princess label. Nu?
I was raised on stories of refugees who came over and were served at a community table,what they call in some places in the East Coast,Family Dining.
It’s a long table the seats perhaps 15-20 . My mama told me this story several times. If you don’t cry-don’t worry. Maybe it’s me. It’s better in German.
An old Oma,with a Babushka,was served a Cornish game hen at a Family table and her face lit up. Her right hand shook,she was so eager to looking at the other 10,maybe 12 at her table. All around her it was warm for the first time in months and the smell of real food made her feel faint. She remembered the loaves,even before the Nazis came,with roaches in them,and here was bread white, such a thing,white bread,how could it be? So she sliced it and she saw the other old ones from the camp who could barely stand,also at the heads of their tables .And they were smiling. And some had tears running down their cheeks. Not many,because tears were a luxury. But just a few. And after she had cut some slices and cut them in half once again,she began to cut the hen. First the leg. Then the second leg. Then the wing. Then the second wing. Now she cut the breast in half. Left. Right. Yes. They passed their plates. Eva would get the big side of the wing but Mandel would get the small side. Ja. The twins would share the second wing. The older children shared the legs and the breasts was enough to feed all the adults,even if it wasn’t. Because that is how a family lives and shares-Ja? And then the angel man or woman from the armed forces came with the little hen and the little bread that was white for the next person and everyone began to cry. Even though they had no water to spare.
Und so- whether it’s 38 years ago,or this year,I will not waste money.
I will celebrate marriage up to a point. I will not spend an obscene amount of money
and forget those that came before me –
And those who come after.
$20 per month supports a child in India
Actual cost-$240 +Birthday+ Innoculations+Special Hug+Christmas+5th
5 optional holidays @ $25= $125+ $240=$365 x15 =$5475
That’s what it cost me to support an Indian girl from the time she was 3 ,through college,till marriage,including gifts for her and family,for 15 years.
Any questions?
I don’t just talk the talk. And if you’ve paid attention,my house is in foreclosure while I fulfilled this comitment. I was not a rich bitch.
I am sorry your life was so difficult. At no point did I indicate that money spent on the wedding was indicative of the quality of the marriage, you apparently at your advanced age, like to make things up. I only indicated that the cost of the wedding falls within the means of the couple and is also not an indicator of a poor relationship. As long as you want to correlate expense to quality of marriage, I am surprised you are still together. You could have potentially saved money on your kids therapy and potential court costs if you had gotten a clue over all these years. If people want to go into debt for their wedding or not at all is up to them and says nothing about the relationship. If you would like to refer to my statement about you being excited about your own ceremony, I think you may have been confused by sarcasm. Money is a comfort in life and also can potentially decrease marital fights, if you think not, then you aren’t very intelligent. Prayer is your only hope? If you count solely on prayer, then I feel bad for you and your spouses.Your spouse is most likely secretly miserable since you don’t realize that relationships take hard work, thoughtfulness and daily effort. I hope you have another 60.
You are in your 80s? That is amazing, or did you assume 30’s meant 30?I am 39. Anal retentive? I would be too if my life had started like yours, been like yours in the middle and is ending like yours. Good luck in the land of denial.Not the river in Egypt.
This comment is for the genius CheapCheap. Name seems to make sense.
You can spend a reasonable amount on a wedding and have it look much more expensive if you put in sweat equity. 24 years ago we had quite a large wedding: 240 people for $8000. At the time, that was cheap for such a big event. But we got a business hotel that needed the business, and worked with them to put together an inexpensive but nice meal. We provided our own bottles of wine on each table via a friend who had a connection to a wine distributor. We had a 5-piece combo of musicians we auditioned via tape but who were just breaking into the business, so they cut us a deal. It was loose, jazzy, and lots of fun. We designed our own wedding invitations and had them printed at a local printer (you can now do this online very inexpensively). We had out-of-towner events surrounding the wedding at parents’ and friends’ houses, so the costs were basically Costco runs. And we made all of the centerpiece decorations ourselves in advance using very nice silk flowers, and so were able to use them as gifts for all of the folks who had done us favors.
The “sweat equity” we put in not only kept the costs down even though it allowed us to have a large wedding, it made the event all the more special to us. AND it gave plenty of ways for us to give our mothers things to do other than drive us both crazy!
My honey and I decided we’d rather save our money for an emergency savings account so we wouldn’t have to feel stressed out in our new marriage if an unexpected expense came up. It worked great for us. I got a lot of amazing free decorations from freecycle (which I later passed on to other brides!) we reserved a city park shelter on the beach that had two fireplaces and it looked so dreamy inside when we were finished decorating. I used the barter system to get the wedding cake, and bought a dress from an online surplus store that looked incredible. The party was pot-luck style and we supplied the alcohol, coffee, punch etc. We had a huge turn-out, had a fantastic party, listened to tunes from an Napster playlist I created myself…we felt like royalty, and spent around a $1,000 total and that included the tux rental. We did decide to pay for the housing of our of town guests which was about $1,500 but we were able to pay for all of it while still holding on to some money in the bank for emergencies. Not having financial stress was a great way to start our lives together! We used the $$ we received from guests to go on a similarly thrifty yet luxurious honeymoon in Hawaii. You can have it all on a budget if you just use your imagination…and if you don’t need to do it on a budget, then just go for it and have a great time!
Face it, a contemporary marriage has a 50/50 chance of lasting. So consider it: would you go to Vegas and plop down $100,000 on a single turn of the roulette wheel? In 1993 we had an intimate (30 people) wedding. People got to order what the wanted off the menu of our favorite restaurant (no rubber chicken, or mass produced prime rib), and we got married about 10 feet from where I proposed to her. I was told by the guests it was the BEST wedding they had ever attended. we dropped $3000 on it. Honeymoon in Bonaire for 2 weeks included. No going into hock for years, no big “who is that guest?” wonder, we knew the people, and they knew everyone as well. Awesome time.
Why throw a lavish gala to impress folks who you might not see again after 5 years? We did what we wanted, when we wanted.
I think the amount spent on the wedding should be very small, and then the budget should increase for anniversary parties that follow. If you make it to 20, 25, 30 years, you get to spend thousands of dollars on a big party.
I was married 37 1/2 years ago. Our wedding cost $350. I might have wanted to spend a little more-say $1,000,but we couldn’t. It was a sweet wedding. It was a loving wedding,and after all these years,when my husband left on a business trip to India lasting a week,I still can’t sleep unless he is beside me. Ism’t that the important point? Isn’t all about love and marriage? If not-you spent too much.
Why should the cost of the wedding have anything to do with it? I also can’t sleep when my husband is away for work – in fact, I drag my favorite doll from my childhood into the bed when he’s not there, just to have something comforting beside me. We spent $100,000 on our wedding. Is your love better then mine because your wedding cost less? Can you understand how silly that actually sounds?
The cost of a wedding is largely dependent on where you get married and how big the wedding will be. Getting married in Boonies, USA with a wedding contingent of a bride, groom and a dog is much less expensive than, say, a wedding in Manhattan, NY with 100+ guests.
It’s (hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime party. People give gifts and hopefully the newlyweds’ parents chip in a bit, so that can help with the costs. In the end, if someone wants to invite me to a $300,000 wedding, I’ll be there and I promise I won’t complain about how much the bride and groom spent on me.
Okay, since everyone else is posting their stats here goes: $5,000 six years ago. Met at church, married at said church, lunch buffet in the church basement for everyone we could think of to invite. Marriage gets better every day.
Now here’s what I gotta say: reading about everyone’s weddings is great! I love hearing all these sweet stories, especially from people who have been married for much longer than we have. Thanks to everyone who told their unique story here.
I don’t care so much for the “everyone should do it this way” attitude a few people have but they’re the exception.
My only concern with the cost of weddings is if a couple feels they have to put off getting married to save for it. My husband and I would have had a $200 wedding if that was all we could afford, but we wouldn’t have pushed it a single day later over money.
Oh,you are so right. My husband was in L.A. I was in Wisconsin. My graduation day was the 8th? of June? So when I called the Women’s club in Feb. and asked for availabilities in June,they said the 15th and the 29th. The 29th? That was FOREVER! (I was young and hadn’t seen him since December.) Never waste a day. All the money in the world won’t buy you another one.
Wow- Thumbs up for Shay and say what? for Li la. I gather your marriage isn’t very old so congrats on the hugely expensive party but let’s see how you feel in 15 years when you are-where? You don’t know,do you? I have lots of experiences that will stay with me forever-childbirth,miscarriage, my husband’s stroke, nursing my mother-in-law on her deathbed when I missed my best friend’s daughter’s wedding to be with her. But really,the wedding? It was no big deal. Seriously-I judt wanted it over and to start being a wife. I really wanted to go . The most exciting moment of the week I was married happened as we were driving across country and as “he” parked,I went into the restaurant to get a table. “Table for 1? No,I’m waiting for -MY HUBAND!” That was worth a lot. That was unforgettable. I agree with Shay-so many entitled ,spoiled people who think that being King and Queen for a day is everything-and when the real world sets in? Burps and somach flu,and migraines and misery,and money problems,career moves,foreclosure,death,hair loss, or even dirty underwear on the floor really comes home to roost,they are suddenly filing for irreconcilable differences. 90% of the time,life sucks. Travel the road with someone who can go the distance who still loves you even when he doesn’t always like you.Lol.
Cheap Cheap, you sound like a really unhappy person who is dealing with a serious bout of depression. I hope you were just going through a rough patch when you wrote this. I’ve been there before. I know it’s nothing anyone would choose for themselves. The problem is that you have to dig yourself out of it. Pills cannot cure depression. The doctors will just keeps you dependent. Please focus on the good things in life.
I’m sure you mean well (about the pills) but I take them to kill intractable pain. If I hadn’t lost 1/2 my life to pain I could manage some kind of job, wouldn’t lose my house,be depressed-wonder where I was going to live next week-you get the picture. But even if I had the mortgage re-do signed today,and the pain patch and Vicodin and soma finally kicked in,etc,and my 29 year old said she wanted to come home next summer and have the wedding here… I would work like hell to re-landscape my already lovely backyard with her input of course and her hubby’s,and spend,budget,about $3,000 for an Indian morning wedding,catered by me,and a $3,000 5pm American wedding, food of her choice and her Mother-in-law’s. Sari choice,I’m sure she could pick something lovely. American-again-she has great taste. And no meal is a real meal unless I cook it-not if it’s Indian food. So that’s my impossible dream. She’ll probably get married in a courthouse and outcheap me.
Cheap Cheap, My comment about the pills was actually regarding my own experience; I was unaware of your situation. I was put on multiple antidepressants last year, which only made things worse for me. I had to overcome depression the old fashioned way, by getting out of bed every morning (whether I liked it or not) and forcing myself to overlook the pain and get on with my life. Of course my pain was mental, not physical, and I cannot pretend to know what you’re going through. Your comments just seemed to communicate something deeper than what was being stated. They carried an undertone of sorrow that reminded me very much of my mental state last year. I wasn’t trying to downplay your pain or make light of your personal struggles. I just hurt for you after reading your words and wasn’t sure how else to communicate my concern without sounding insincere, overdramatic, or patronizing.
As for being cheap, I will soon marry the cheapest man I’ve ever met, and that’s one of the things I love most about him! I find that financial wealth does not usually correlate with happiness or contentment in life. Many of the richest people in the world do not find their lives fulfilling. They turn to alcoholism, gluttony, and other forms of consumerism, but what they really need is to find something deeper to add meaning to their existence. They need something worthwhile to guide their efforts and bring fulfillment. For me, this means working to improve the lives of others, because I feel best about myself and the world when I’m doing something for someone else. This may be different for everyone, but I know consumerism is not the answer.
I agree with you completely about budgeting for a wedding. Financial responsibility is not a skill possessed by most Americans, so it should come as no surprise that so many couples begin their lives by amassing an enormous debt. Everyone has their priorities in life. Personally, I see no glory in depleting my savings to make my friends and family think I’m wealthier than I actually am. I find it enormously satisfying to know they will still love me no matter how much we spend on my wedding!
To All Engaged Couples —
When planning the wedding, ask yourself this: What would you rather do this year, buy a home or throw a party? If you’re currently renting and cannot afford to buy a home in the near future but you plan to spend over $10,000 on your wedding, you should probably enroll in couples counseling and a financial planning course BEFORE your vows to ensure you’re mature enough to handle marriage. A lavish wedding is hardly a financially sound investment, and with half of new marriages ending in divorce, you could end up paying off the wedding debt several years after your divorce is finalized.
What if you have enough money to buy the home AND throw the party?What if there’s no debt? Why does everyone assume that all couples who have an expensive wedding go into debt?
Christilynn,
To clarify my earlier comment, if you can afford a big wedding (especially if you can afford a big wedding and a home) there is nothing wrong that! I only think it’s a bad idea for couples to overspend on their wedding when it means starting their marriage in debt or totally broke. If daddy is paying for the wedding and wants to splurge or you already own a home and can afford a lavish wedding, go for it! I just worry about the kind of couples who are choosing to spend a bunch on the wedding when they really should be investing more wisely to ensure their financial stability in the future.
I have seen this thread before too. “I spent two pennies on my wedding and I am soooo proud” LOL. It’s completely ridiculous.
Weddings are special occasions and like all things “special” they require some time, attention and investment.
I saved for years and don’t regret spending it. My wedding is worth it. I wanted my guest to feel loved and pampered for one evening and they felt it. I wanted my hubby and I to feel like a King and Queen for a day… and we felt that too. We had expensive delicious food, expensive delicious wine, a romantic location and lots of loved ones to share it with! I couldn’t have asked for anything more.
Now, if my marriage will last… well I hope so, cause I am not doing this again! But if we’d had no money and just gone to a judge the love would be the same, but the insanely awesome experience would be missing. Money does buy some amazing experiences. Isn’t that why we work so hard? My wedding was quite the experience. It’s something that will stay with me forever.
Lila,my wife and were married for less than $500 on a beach the Florida Keys. We had only 4 people there, in addition to many beach goers who came to watch. We then went out to lunch, went jet skiing, and had a beautiful dinner for two on Duval Street in Key West. I would put that up against your celebration any day. And it was not “completely ridiculous”. The focus should be on the commitment you are making, now how luxurious a party you can throw. Our experience was “insanely awesome” for a fraction of what you paid. You sounds shallow – everything “expensive” or “insanely awesome” or “King and Queen” for a day while you deride those who choose not to focus on money.
Look, it all just comes down to the couple on the wedding day, and what they want vs what they can afford. A wedding is a special occasion, and whether you spent $5 or $500,000, no one has the right to judge you for it. Your wedding’s price tag shouldn’t say anything about how shallow you may or may not be.
The thing is: you saved for it, you could afford it. The problems arise when someone spends well more than they can afford on a wedding.
This thread has been going on for a very long time. Two things really bother me about it: first, the cost of the wedding be it five bucks of 500K is no one’s business but the bride and grooms, and their family’s if that applies. Second, it is absolutely false I think that the amount spent has something to do with if the marriage lasts or not. Most people who have uber-cheap weddings do so because they do not have any money to spend on a wedding, not because they are being “frugal”. Not having any money is actually a stress on marriage.
On the other side of the fence, the “lifestyles of the rich and famous” type weddings – as in doing it up Kardashian style probably involve often times some pretty spoiled people with fairly unreasonable expectations all around – not just of marriage but of a lot of things in life.
Most people I know spent a moderate amount on their weddings, but as I said if they spent 5 bucks or half a million, it is really none of my business. We did spend on some extras for our wedding, not crazy spending and not going into debt but yes we did splurge. My main regret is that I did not get my first choise dress because of cost. I should have went ahead and bought it – we could afford it and that was our one and only wedding. It was still a great wedding, though dress or not.
I think that an expensive wedding can lead to divorce if a large amount of debt was incurred. Couples fight about and get divorced over money all the time. If you can afford a big, expensive wedding, go ahead, but if you can’t afford it and insist on one anyway, it may lead to divorce.
As a videographer, I have shot many a wedding at just about every price level. The biggest mistake I ever made with a wedding was underbidding an elaborate wedding. I had special gear, extra rented cameras and wireless sound equipment, hired operators, etc. It was a friend so I thought I would just cover my expenses, the hotel, and a few extra benjamines for myself. I put in the bid for $3500. I later found that the services I provided were easily worth $10,000. I knew the bride was not happy at the initial viewing of the nearly completely edited and assembled footage. It had nothing to do with the quality, content, angles, sophistication, special effects, etc. It all had to do with the fact that all her friends had paid $10,000 for their video services. From that moment on, I never made another friend a good deal on video. If they wanted cheap, they could hire a cousin or uncle to use a Flip or Iphone. I found that you should just toss out what you are worth and if they don’t like it, then screw them.
Feel free to screw yourself. The ECONOMY sucks and you? New to get your act together. My brother did my photos. So what? Stop feeling entitled. They’re pictures-lousy pictutures. Who cares? You are Michalangelo. Get over it.
You get what you pay for. You buy what you can. The most important thing is you can pay and not party on credit like you did in your early days. A lovely backyard wedding is great, as is a park, a church or cathedral. A quality photographer or videographer isn’t cheap. I’ve photographed weddings family and friends and there were times where my gift just wasn’t the same as a professional service, as I am not a professional. Walmart shoppers will be much happier in Walmart, Macy shoppers in Macy and Neiman Marcus (aka needless mark-ups) shoppers in their store. Don’t go in debt for a party!
It’s very true – you really have to understand your client as well as you understand the services you are providing. People who want a big show will always be disappointed by low costs, regardless of objective quality. It pays to hold back on naming a price until the very last minute, when you have gathered as much information as possible. It’s a shame, but some people really do care more about the price tag than the product.
@ Paxton – so true, some people won’t feel good about your service unless they have paid a lot of money for it. It’s just the way they think and it has nothing to do with the service you provide. I guess they want to brag about how much they were “able” to spend on it. The quality is a secondary issue for them. Weird.
Twenty-nine years ago himself put on his uniform and I put on a thirty-five dollar flea-market shirtwaist and we got married by the chaplain. Then we took his two buddies who stood up with us (my “maid of honor” was a six-foot tanker named Dave) out for a steak dinner.
My oldest brother and his lovely bride had their reception in her church’s basement and it was a potluck. Almost forty years later they are still together.
Number two brother got hitched in his wife’s backyard. Thirty-five years and still going strong.
Could we somehow pin the divorce rate to the rise in ridiculously opulent weddings? Because having to come back down to earth after your Martha Stewart fantasy ends, has to bite.
My caution regarding expensive weddings is that married life (with kids) does not live up to the hype/circus atmosphere of a giant wedding. And I think some people (younger women especially?) focus on the idea of a big blow out wedding as opposed to focusing on the idea of a marriage/ partnership built on love-trust-hard work-shared goals. But the marriage/ partnership thing doesn’t show up so well in glossy magazines! My point? – have big wedding if you want and if you can afford it. But understand that is just one day and after you stop being impressed by how sparkly the wedding presents are, then the real marriage starts. Good luck and may you never darken my door (I’m a divorce lawyer).
I had a friend who went into a semi-depression and lamented the fact that she was sorry her daughter’s wedding was over because she wasn’t that special “mother of the bride” anymore. Martha Stewart Moment is right.
I’m hoping to have my most expensive wedding in a couple of years – budgeting $8000 – $12,000 for it. But it’s “late life”, after 20+ years of being single, having raised two boys to manhood (now in their 30’s and late 20’s) and a celebration is in order!
The plan WAS to book a local bed and breakfast with a private chapel for two days and one night, taking all five of the available rooms for ourselves and family members, having a quiet ceremony with family and a handful of friends (after a nice lunch with family at a local restaurant owned by a friend), a simple reception of cake and sparkling punch, then flying ourselves, the kids plus spouses and grands and one little dog to San Antonio for a four or five day family vacation – riverwalk, zoo, botanical gardens, day trips to Luckenbach and Fredricksburg – then flying everyone back to their respective homes.
Unfortunately, the bed and breakfast with chapel shut down and filed for bankruptcy this week, so I’m looking for another venue that welcomes children and pets – found a lovely b&b in San Antonio (which would cut down on the multiple airfares!), but children under 17 are not allowed on the premises, and pets are verboten! With toddler/infant grands, I can’t “kennel” them the way I could (but won’t!) the dog, so I’m back to square one.
That said, the majority of the expense will be airfare for family, their food, lodging and admission fees to attractions – not your “traditional” wedding costs. We are offering to pay in full for our kids, spouses and grands, and will include my mother and his brother, if they are able to join us.
As to the wedding itself, I bought a lovely formal yet knee length dress on sale for under $50 on clearance at Coldwater Creek, and have vintage hat and gloves to match. All I need to find are the perfect shoes, LOL! I plan to reuse silk bouquets and boutonnières from my younger son’s wedding last year, and make one or two additional floral arrangements as silk flowers go on sale at Hobby Lobby. I have a photo of a cake design to take to a local baker – very simple flowers on a small two tier cake to serve 24 – 30. I’ll use an heirloom Fostoria punch bowl my grandmother bought for my mothers wedding shower in 1948, and my daughters in law will put the punch together – slushy ginger ale with cans of concentrated fruit punch. Disposable clear plastic plates w/matching punch cups and plastic “silver” flatware, with non-personalized “party store” napkins are inexpensive, available at Sam’s Club, and make clean up easy. My darling daughter in laws will be my attendants, and sons will be groomsmen – one will wear his military uniform, the other a simple blue suit (may have to buy him a new one – his wife feeds him too well!), and I’m offering to buy the girls dresses of their choice (one loves pink and feminine, the other is more edgy, so that should make for interesting shopping!).
So, that leaves the other expenses being an officiant (JPs here do house calls for $50), music (probably off an iPod!), and photographer/videographer (again, we have friends whose kids are in those lines of work!), and the ever frustrating issue of venue – I suppose if it comes down to it, we can just have an at home wedding (we had my younger son’s wedding in my house, so why not make it a tradition?).
We walked into a court house with a couple of friends to witness and walked out a few minutes later married. That was 36+ years ago and we are still happily married. We have some wealthy friends who spent $100,000+ on their daughter’s wedding a dozen years ago; a couple of years later, they divorced.
Conclusion: the more money you spend on a wedding the bigger the chances of getting a divorce.
Logic fail.
Brain dead? Our wedding clothes, flowers, food, included – One More Time – $350. We take our annual vacation each year on our on our Anniversary whether it’s 3 days or 3 weeks, Europe, or Fresno. We celebrate every month. Sometimes I love him and sometimes – with gritted teeth – I like him very much.
That’s marriage. That’s life.
As we approach 40 years of marriage in this economy and since my husband has become unemployed through no fault of his own, life has become even more difficult. In those 40 years, I went from dynamo do-it-all ballerina to disabled. Man proposes. G-d disposes.
No matter what you spent – who plans to be crippled 15 years later watching the world walk by? Really. Tell me. Who? And who still has a spouse? I got my $350 worth. I am not joyous. I am grateful. Money buys you nothing. Nothing.
He has a job now. He bought me an i-pad for my birthday. I refused to accept it. Too much money for an item HE wants. After days of “discussion”, we agreed he gets 85% custody and I get 15% since he travels for business 35% of the year and his laptop is inconvenient. I get to play with it when I feel like it because I really don’t want the darn thing. (I wanted a pair of Austrian shoes.) Husbands – they’re so hard to train. And I don’t feel guilty anymore. Win/win.
Well, here’s the other side of the coin: My husband and I married almost 8 years ago. We have a s0n who is almost 3 and a 4 month old little girl. Every time I look at my husband, I can’t believe that he is mine – he is a wonderful man, a great husband, and an even better father. Sure, we have our moments, but I wouldn’t change a thing. We have already had our share of hard times and heartache, and we are stronger because we went through it together. He is my best friend.
Want to know how much our wedding cost? $100,000 – and that’s not a typo. We have no wedding debt, and I wouldn’t have changed that day for the world – it was the best day of my life, aside from the days that my children were born. The point is, the size of the wedding means absolutely nothing. The only thing that matters is the intent behind it. If you can afford a big wedding – great!! More power too you! But if you are only focusing on the wedding, and not the marriage, it doesn’t matter whether you have a platinum wedding or a backyard barbeque – you are going to have a rough road.
It is not a contest to see who had the biggest or smallest wedding. No one is getting a medal for how much money they saved or spent. A wedding is the celebration of love between two people – and if you are there, judging how much the whole thing cost, then you probably shouldn’t have been invited. It’s none of your business.
Call me when it’s almost 28 years. Talk to me when that darling three year old says,”fuck off mom. I’m cooling with my peeps.” (And you want to burn down his F—n nest.) Then we’ll talk. When you are crouching in a corner of the house and the kids are calling the contractor saying,”the bitch has got to GO.” Call me. Lol.Blink. Hello. You’re shopping for sleepers and he’s shopping for Bowie knives.
Oh yeah, MY wedding cost $10, we had no guests, ate leftover mac-n-cheese standing over the sink, wore matching burlap sacks, and had rings made of bent baling wire. Therefore, MY marriage is superior to CHEAP CHEAP’s Imelda Marcos-style extravaganza.
No, pretty truthful. That explains why most celebrities’ marriages don’t last very long. They spent millions on a wedding and stay married for a couple months.
yes, most celebrity weddings cost thousands if not millions but guess what – they don’t pay that money, the advertisers, sponsors etc do. it is only us chumps who pay for our own weddings. I don’t care how much it costs, it is who you are marrying that is important – do you love them, if not don’t spend a penny.
My dad has been married twice, and is going though his second split. Both weddings were at city hall with no guests, so he only paid for the paperwork, and I assume the wives would have wanted a new (cheap) outfit. In my family, the cheaper weddings end up failing.
It is nobody’s business how much a person spends on their wedding. Everyone has different incomes, expenses, and priorities. My fiance and I are taking into consideration that we want to have kids right away, so we decided to decrease our budget. The most important thing to us about the celebration is having good photos, since those will last forever.
Good for you. My parents married in 1968 and had a small church wedding. The reception was held in the backyard of my great-aunt’s house with cake and punch served on a picnic table. They divorced 20 years later. Your theory has no merit. Bottom line: it’s not the size of the wedding, but who you marry.
I don’t think the original commenter was implying that a bigger wedding implies a higher chance of divorce. I think it’s more that no one can predict the future, and if someone gets a divorce a few years down the road, it’s somehow a lot more sour if 50 grand in debt is still hanging around. I mean, how sad it is if you’re still paying off debt from a wedding a decade or two after the divorce?
Some people might say that people who find it absolutely necessary to have the flashiest (and most expensive) wedding possible are probably shallow, and therefore probably didn’t think too much about really spending their life with their partner, and so are more likely to divorce (Kim Kardashian, anyone? 3 dresses, and 3 months later, no husband.) This would cause a loose correlation between expensive weddings and divorce, but it’s not that the cost itself somehow caused the divorce.
The bigger and more expensive the wedding, the more likely it is to fail? Perhaps, because the most frequent cause of divorce is finances! So, if your wedding is RELATIVELY unaffordable, with regards to your savings, credit rating, employment income, plans for children or travel, etc. you will have a lot more stress. I’m another member of a married couple with 32 years and a church wedding and backyard reception behind it.
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