Thirty thousand dollars. I heard that figure and my jaw dropped. That’s the amount that a couple of my friends are spending on their upcoming wedding.
Every time I hear about some new detail of the plans for the wedding, there’s a little voice in my head that starts commenting on the bottom line. But here’s the thing — it’s not my wedding. I’m not going to say a word because my friends are adults and seem to be pretty pleased with what they’re getting for their money.
The High Cost of Weddings
The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S, so my friends aren’t so far off the norm. The number may be hard to wrap your head around if you’re used to thinking about things in terms of budgeting, saving money and all the other little things that go along with thinking hard about your personal finances, but it’s also not so uncommon when you think about the number of cultures in which families bring themselves to the edge of bankruptcy for weddings, dowries and other related expenses.
Personally, I don’t like those numbers but the simple fact of the matter is that I know I’m in the minority. My wedding cost just under $200 and I got exactly what I wanted (down to the perfect cake). While I have a hard time understanding the big numbers some people spend on weddings, many people have just as hard a time understanding how I could spend so little.
Nothing I can say or do will make my friends see things my way — and the reverse is just as true. And since they’re happy, the only result I can see from saying anything at all is putting my friendships in danger. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut.
High-Priced Weddings Aren’t Going Away
But I’m still thinking about the matter.
I’m thinking about why people so clearly prefer big weddings, even with the price tag. For a lot of people, I think it’s a matter of priorities: they’ve thought things through and the idea of a big wedding and all that goes with it (fun times with family, a great party and so on) is worth it. The experience of the perfect wedding is worth more than the alternatives of where they can spend that money.
At the end of the day, it’s a matter of personal choices, as it should be. If your financial priority is your wedding, that’s fine. You should be able to throw the rockingest party you can. The problems creep in when we think about the fact that not everyone manages their finances perfectly. Not everyone saves up money to pay for their wedding ahead of time or budget for what they can afford to spend. Some people choose to go pretty deep into debt in order to have the wedding of their dreams and wind up paying even more in interest, not to mention causing damage to their credit.
The idea of massive debt for one day of fun — charging an amount equivalent to at least a down payment on a house, if not most of the total cost — is what bothers me. I’m lucky enough that my friends aren’t in that boat, but even if they were, it seems like it’s not considered polite to even bring up wedding costs and talk about debts. It’s not a friend’s place to say anything. I can’t help but wonder if costs would be a little lower if friends talked about how they were able to save money on their celebrations or talk candidly about staying out of debt.
The current state of the economy seems to be bringing a few more of those discussions out into the open. But we’ve still got a ways to go. I’m certainly not interested in risking my friendships just to talk about money. I don’t think I’m the only one, either.
So, I wish my friends all the happiness in the world — a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage. I will be there for the happy day and I will gladly celebrate with them.
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Hey, here’s a reason to not “keep it small,” numbers wise: wanting your FAMILY there! Guess what, if your combined families (parents, siblings and their children, grandparents, aunts, and uncles) add up to 100 people, your wedding is NOT going to be small. Yes, you could leave everyone out but immediate family, but refusing to see close relatives whom you see at the holidays every year to save money just shows what you value most – money, not people.
Also, I think people not planning weddings currently don’t know how much they cost right now. I’m in a relatively expensive northeastern city, we shopped around for one of the most affordable caterers in the area and a reception venue big enough to fit up to 150 people (surprisingly hard), and those two things alone (including chairs, tables, linens, dishes, and alcohol) are costing around $15K. And somehow I guess that paying for your guests to have dinner indoors in midwinter isn’t the level of no-stops extravagance I think people are imagining when you name big budgets.
In fact, nobody’s going into any debt for this, and we’re trying very hard to be frugal on everything else: we’re skipping flowers, favors, and hard liquors entirely; we’re bringing in our own bulk-purchased beer and wine to avoid paying the caterers’ retail prices; I’m handmaking very modest decorations and the wedding cake; we’re renting speakers and using laptop playlists for entertainment at the reception; and we found a photographer on Craigslist for half the price of the cheapest professional wedding photographer in the area.
But, you know, I guess it’s still pretty materialistic and irresponsible to want your families to come to your wedding, and not asking them to bring their own potluck dinners after traveling from out of state to celebrate with us.
Leigh-good for you. But if that cheap shot about Pot-lucks was aimed at me-sorry. No one was asked to bring food INSTEAD OF GIFTS-who didn’t belong to my religious community nor did they have a drive longer than 5 miles. And no one kept count ,who did and didn’t bring a platter or chips. The majority of the food was provided by me,as was the cake,drinks and fruit salads, hams and roast beef. I never assume help will come or be very helpful. I have a very small family and my husband had no one. Not everyone is as lucky as you to have people they can count on so we have always counted on ourselves and left it primarily at that. Frankly,that’s probably why we wre still married. We count on each other for company,entertainment, and any and all support.
I am sorry, I wasn’t aiming anything at anyone, or trying to take a cheap shot at pot-luck weddings, I am a little jealous of them but wanted to point out that they aren’t a universal solution to wedding budget woes. I was talking about MY situation, and why the many many comments here on why we should “keep it small” and make food instead of buying it, don’t always work. But that doesn’t mean that I think everyone else should have large weddings with catering, that would be silly. I mean, it’s not like 2 generations of Irish Catholic family came about to provide guests for our wedding, they exist and we have to figure out how to make it work with them but people with small families have a different set of advantages and challenges. And I am totally in favor of making your own food, I’m making our cake, but the fact is that in a 1 bedroom apartment I cannot cook a dinner for over 100 people, nor can I ask the few local guests to provide food for the rest. You have the blessing of being able to have a small, community-oriented, and affordable wedding, we have the blessing of a big family and the challenge of including them all in our wedding…there is no reason a solution that works for you would work for me, and vice versa.
My wedding was a little more than $30 grand. We saved up for it. For 2 years, we rented an 800 sq foot shack and paid little rent just to save up our paychecks. Also, we got a little help from our parents too- each contributed about $5000. We had 280 guests.
But even spending money frivilously does actually benefit the economy, I mean DJ’s and florists and bakers and tux shop owners gotta put food on the table too, right?
The marriage is the reason for the wedding, not the other way around. How you choose to celebrate the marriage and what is important to you about that celebration does say something about your values. Your spending habits are an outward, visible symbol of your inward values. Where you choose to spend or not spend does, actually reflect something about you and what you think is important. And perhaps sometimes what is important to you is keeping the peace with a parent or spouse, sometimes it’s that having all the friends and family there is the most important thing, sometimes it’s just the two of you at the JP’s office. Sometimes it’s that you value making a lavish statement about how much money you have and that it isn’t any object. It’s OK. But to spend lavishly, go into debt, complain about the cost etc. is not OK. And really if your value system says, it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to spend hundred’s and thousands of dollars on a wedding that add no more happiness and value to your life than $50,000 would have done then, yes that does say something about your values and what in important to you. If it costs you $50,000 to have a wedding with nice but not extravagent flowers, at a nice but not extravagant locations followed by a meal at a nice but not extravagant site so that all of your friends and family can be there and share the start of your life with the person you are promising to spend the rest of your life with then WONDERFUL. That’s why we have weddings and marriages, for the public profession of this relationship and the celebration of that relationship.
The same kind of values and judgements can also be made about some folks who think, like one of my cousins did, that cheaper is always better. Except that what that really meant is that I don’t so much care about your coming to celebrate with me but, rather I care that you come and provide some service for my wedding because I can’t afford to have it if I don’t guilt my firends and family into providing it for me. See, I can have a $350 dollar wedding if, I convince my artist cousin to design and print the the invitations, and if I talk my friend with the camera to come and photograph the wedding, but not enjoy it or participate because they are supposed to be taking pictures, and ask all my family to work for a week early and late to make food, flowers, etc. and then spend the whole wedding actually moving food and shlepping stuff around and cleaning up afterwards. I’d have rather they went the cake and punch route cause it was exhausting and it was all about how things “looked” and not about sharing the joy.
But, my SIL did inexpensive right – Similar low budget, the had printed invites, asked family and close friends, had the ceremony at their church, no cost, had reception and city conference center, really low cost, had cake and punch and modest flowers. Totally lovely, totally memorable celebration of their happiness and the blending of two families, most from out of state, and it was perfectly reasonable. No one had to take time off to recover afterwards and no one said, wow, what a cheap wedding THAT must have been, but rather completely appreciated that they were doing a wedding that mattered to them and that had who and what they wanted, a chance for family and friends to comes, share and enjoy at a cost they could afford.
I also went to a huge-normous greek-italian wedding that must have cost a fortune, but those families valued the party, they wanted a big feast and that meant full bar and every member of the family invited which alone was about 400 people, close friends probably made up 200 so doing the math on a basic meal for 600 and …well, now factor in that there were two distinctive cuisines to be represented and that there was nothing basic about it, it cost a lot. They had the cash, no one went into desbt and no one breathed a word about cost because it was unforgivable that guests should think about that, they were there to enjoy and celebrate and eat with a gusto normally reserved for Thanksgiving day and dance and rejoice in the joining of two families. Ok, that was important to them. It wasn’t showing off, it wasn’t because it all had to be so “precious” and it’s “my day” and I’m the star or my own drama for a day. It was what a marriage is about for those families, and my family and well, even the slightly dysfunctional view of my cousin.
But never take the position that how you spend your money doesn’t reflect your values because it does.
Dear Mike,
You said:
“I am sorry that you weren’t so excited to be married that you wanted to scream
from the rooftops and weren’t willing to take some of that money you saved for expensive vacations and brought your friends and family around to share in your joy with a bit of lavishness.”
Now just where did I say I wasn’t excited about my marriage? With my fiance in California getting his 2nd Ms degree,and me,in Wisconsin,completing my BFA, I was so excited that I actually had a pad of paper with the hours of the day-every day,written down. I crossed of the hours and couldn’t wait for the big day. My wedding may have cost $350,including clothes,food,hall rental, and invitations,etc., but my monthly phone bill was $300. To finance it,I had 3 jobs aside from my full-time school schedule. Excited? I was filled with joy and anticipation. Since his parents were in Iraq at the time,I had photos of myself wearing my weading dress at the venue. Excited? I picked a wedding date 1 week after graduation day. Excited? We married on Saturday,stayed at a hotel, and on Monday,left on a road trip to L.A. Excited? My Lord-it was the highpoint of my life. We have been married for 37 years. Match that. We have survived 6-8 lay-offs,the death of his parents and my mother,2 miscarriages,3 live births, my unfortunate chronic pain condition and subsequent complete disability, an angioplasty, stroke, watching our youngest become a schizophrenic. We are stonger and weaker than we could ever have imagined being. And when we go to bed,we still hold hands. You can’t begin to imagine what life has in store for you. Mike-30’s-really? We are in our 60’s. And a multi-thousand dollar wedding wouldn’t have changed a single detail. You are a siily,naive little man. I trust you will learn to pray in the coming years because if you stay together. prayer will be your only help. Money won’t be any comfort at all. It’s the marriage-not the wedding-that should be your focus .
Say what? Where did I ever say that? I read your post carefully. being twice your age,and an anal retentive personality,I read EVERYthing carefully. If you are able to scroll back
I don’t believe you can or should assign a dollar amount to happy marriage. What you spend on your wedding is, of course, your own business. However, it’s not some sort of insurance policy – spending more doesn’t guarantee your marriage will be more successful. What you spend on your wedding is good for one day, which is why I think some people react the way they do to lavish weddings. My husband and I wanted to put our money into something long-term, like a home, rather than blow a big wad on one day’s worth of partying. It turned out to be the right decision for us, and we’re enjoying more financial security for it. We’re happily married, thirteen years later. Does our joy have anything whatsoever to with our wedding day? Not one scrap.
Considering that money is among the top things couples fight about and get divorced over, I would think that a couple would want to try to strike a balance between how they want to spend on celebrating their wedding day and their other financial goals. My husband and I could afford a more expensive wedding, but opted against it. Our personalities are also very low-key, so we didn’t miss putting on the big splashy show, and were actually happy that we could just relax and enjoy the day. I know a lot of people, though, who are more gregarious and would consider the big show to be mandatory. Personality has a lot to do with it, and is probably why the views on the comments section are so varied. It’s just not the same for everyone.
Cheap Cheap,
Apparently you didn’t find the time to read the post that I was replying to with the individual indicating we were selfish for having an expensive day and that we should donate the money and so on. You further demonstrate that you do not really read or interpret very well when you didn’t realize that my references to not working and expecting things from others was targeted at the “occupation” going on in the US by people wanting something for nothing. My wife and I are hard working, in our 30s and make a substantial amount of money due to hard work, both of us coming from very poor families. We both also volunteer at a charitable foundation for people that deserve help. Your comments about saving for divorce are as rude and senseless as most of your posts I have seen.
Just because someone else cannot afford something that you can, does not make your purchase “conspicuous consumption”. Should we pretend we are suffering so that we do not offend others, as was the the well known case of the trust fund brat that was interviewed on Wall Street.
I am sorry that you weren’t so excited to be married that you wanted to scream from the rooftops and weren’t willing to take some of that money you saved for expensive vacations and brought your friends and family around to share in your joy with a bit of lavishness.
To everyone out there planning your wedding. Spend what you can or are willing to spend. Do not worry about anyone else’s wedding. It is your day and it does not matter if you spend 200 dollars or 200,000. Be conspicuous in your joy!
What I’m curious about is how she managed to pull off a wedding for under $200. Seriously! Any tips?
It can be done if you ask your guests to help. Pot Luck weddings,coordinated, with no expectation of gifts, just good company, are inexpensive,friendly, and can be successfully coordinated. Just don’t ask for $200 gifts. You could even ask people to bring flowers, help decorate,etc. The cost of the hall is the biggest expense. Many people have friends who are musical. It’s a party with a bride and groom. Nothing else. I regularly gave dinner parties for 40 to 50 people. They were in large part,the same people. When I had my 3rd child, the guests suggested I only do 1/2 the cooking and asked if they could bring a dish. With 4 or 5 dishes done,I only had to make 7 or 8 dishes and saved my energy after a bit. It’s about friendship and making a relaaxed time the primary focus.
Mike-with your attitude and lack of sense, please start saving for the divorce. You’ll need it. Not everyone who has a less expensive wedding camps out in a park. Nor are they always people unwilling to work. How ridiculous you are. Some of us are young when we marry and unwilling or unable to ask for monetary assistance from rich relatives. The wedding,I thought,was not as important as the marriage. I have taken expensive vacations and given to charity. But all things are transitory. Ask Kim K. Conspicuous consumption these days is not envied so much as it is despised.
Hi everybody!
I am a DJ in the Reno / Tahoe area I do a lot of “High End” weddings from people that actually fly into the area to have a beautiful mountain or lake view celebration. For most there is a reason they call it a “once in a lifetime” event many brides have been planning their wedding since they were marrying their Barbie and Ken dolls….so to them it is worth the price to go all out.
Sadly, I find that some will spend thousands on flowers and cakes. But kind of skimp on the entertainment—big mistake! If their entertainment (band or DJ) does not have a pulse on the room or is new and still learning the ropes all the money spent on the entire event may go to waste as the guests will leave shortly after the cake cutting.
You want a Celebration? Hire a reputable DJ or Band—check references from last week to last year. Find out how they plan on transitioning from the Cake to the First dance; Father /Daughter dance; Mother Son dance Garter / Bouquet ect What is their plan to keep all ages involved and dancing or entertained? Are they ‘cheesy’? Will they have back-up equipment on site? DO THEY WORK WELL WITH ALL OTHER VENDORS?
In short, good entertainment that works well with all other vendors will help ‘justify’ the cost of your wedding.
–Because for most Brides it is a “Once in a lifetime” event.
Hey.
My daughter decided to skip college in the late ’90’s and become a certified florist. I would have been over $100,000 in debt with no way to pay it if she had – and while I was perfectly willing to blow my retirement on seeing to it that she had a good start, I’m glad I didn’t, and it turns out I didn’t have to.
She now runs one of the premier wedding-floral businesses in the Southwest. As long as people are fools enough to spend this kind of money on an outdated notion, she’s well on her way to becoming rich.
Shh; folks! Yes – it *is* all about ‘them’. It *is* selfish and wasteful and a lot of other things – and she’s laughing all the way to the damn *bank*.
Leave it alone – she’s not done making enough for me to retire yet.
I love your healthy sense of self-interest. The florist for our wedding was crestfallen. I ordered one bouquet-baby yellow roses,white mini-carnations- and babies’ breath. My silk sari was a golden green and blue on the reverse side. It was reversible! I wear it each year on our aniversary. My husband wore a silk kurta and dhoti so no boutoniere. I love flowers. The last 2 houses we owned both had cutting gardens designed into the landscape. Kudos to your daughter. What a happy profession.
PEOPLE ARE OUT OF WORK and in poverty and you NEED a $25,000 wedding. It’s a down payment on a home in many parts of the use for God’s sake!!!! You are letting wall street advertisers tell you what you need to get married. Meanwhile you probably donate one day a year serving soup to the poor. Instead take this amound and give 4/5ths of it to the needy, ask for gifts that donate to your local food bank or charity. Or buy one of the CHEAP homes with your down payment. A $29,000 party? are you kidding. Have a heart and stop being so SELFISH!!!!!! Or is it really all about you???
My wedding cost at least 50k. As the groom my clothes for the wedding were over 2k. It was our wedding and our money and we wanted it. I am sorry if you are not motivated enough to quit camping in the park and go earn something for yourself. We have absolutely no obligation to take care of the rest of the world and the fact that anyone thinks we should is moronic. If I want I can poor gas on it and burn it, you get your own money. Now quit being selfish Croaisan, go sell your computer and your cell phone, you don’t need it. Then take that money and go give it away. It should provide a lot of meals to people.
I totally agree about the part where you wondered what might change if debt was more commonly talked about. It’s so taboo to ask how much money people make, or how many credit cards one has, or how much their car lease payment is … and I can see why sometimes but other times, it frustrates me.
And it frustrates me when you see people who end up screwed: the couple who is house poor and just had a sewer back-up, the couple burdened by credit card debt they think they’ll pay off only to find they’re pregnant again… It just comes from a place of wanting people to be happy. And the more money you keep yourself instead of paying off your slavery debts, the happier people generally are.
I like all weddngs, big and small. Whatever anyone chooses to have is fine with me. For myself, I want only a very small ceremony — very small — perhaps in my favorite park nearby, followed by a nice dinner in a nice restaurant with our parents and two attendants. Two rings, yes. But no need for special clothes or flowers or anything else.
My Hubby & I have been married 13+ years, and are now the parents of two. Our wedding was moderate in size and expense (sit-down dinner for 225 with an open bar, cost was under $10,000). We cut corners where we could — my absolutely gorgeous gown was $300 off-the-rack from a bridal outlet, and my maid of honor & I made all of the flower arrangements ourselves. We paid for the wedding ourselves, and didn’t go into debt — though, in hindsight, if we’d had to accrue a couple grand in credit card debt to have the wedding (or honeymoon) we both wanted, it would have been worth it. And if a couple is comfortable with that, then that’s THEIR business; no one else’s.
We LOVE to get out our wedding album — & video — & watch them with our children. It’s romantic, and fun to reminisce, and our kids love to hear the story. We had a friend videotape our wedding — that’s the one area I wish we hadn’t cut corners. A professional video would have been well worth the money!
“Maybe if you actually wrote an educated response as opposed to outright jabs at those of us who want to spend money on things in life that matter to us (like our commitment to the person we love)”
This comment really strikes a nerve because of the emotion behind it. This is exactly what the wedding industry thrives on—take advantage of the emotion tied to the day, convince the bride and groom that nothing but the best is acceptable for their big day, immediately mark up prices just based on the fact that it’s a wedding.
I don’t judge people for spending money on a nice wedding, if it’s affordable to them and it’s important to them, by all means do as you please. But this is truly no investment in your commitment to the person you love. It’s a big party for you, your new spouse, and your family and friends. Nothing less and nothing more.
Once the emotions of the big event have died down and the wedding is over, I think you will see what I mean. How many times have you seen your parents get out their old wedding albums to reminisce? Ask anyone married 5+ years if their expenses have anything to do with their commitment to the one they love. I promise they will laugh at you and say, “absolutely not.”
First of all, not everyone who is having a $30k wedding has financial hardships and goes bankrupt. I’m sure your $200 wedding was a real hoot, but some of us want to actually party at our event.
Secondly: Please go back to college and study journalism. This was just a terribly redundant story that wasted silly amounts of my valuable time. Maybe if you actually wrote an educated response as opposed to outright jabs at those of us who want to spend money on things in life that matter to us (like our commitment to the person we love), all of these folks would stop chastising you for your utter lack of tact in response to weddings. I’m glad you didn’t go in to debt on your wedding, because maybe you will save that debt for your education.
Such a waste. Spend the time to make sure you are marrying the right person, and spend the effort to make it work, and spend that money on living. Not worrying about who has the biggest wedding. My wedding cost just under $300 dollars and we are perfectly happy with that. Take the money you save and enjoy it together.
Seriously Stacy? Are you saying that couples who are already sure they are marrying the right person, have the money to live, should be ashamed of having a wedding to share their commitment and happiness with the ones they love?
Shame on you for being so judgemental of other people’s decisions, and how they chose to spend their money – it implies you are resentful of your own decisions !
I hope you have the common sense and decency to RSVP ‘regrets’ to any celebration you are invited to !
When the author of this article said he was shocked by his friends spending $30k on a wedding, I was surprised, because most weddings I have attended over the years probably cost twice that much, if not more. the size and style of a wedding are completely at the bride and groom’s discretion, but while planning my own wedding, I found it sad how vendors charge so much for flowers, decorations, reception hall rentals, food, etc., for these events, where if someone were to plan just a regular party with the same amount of decorations/food, the cost would be much less… like adding “wedding” to an event title jacks up the price. my parents allotted my husband and I a very reasonable wedding budget. after originally wanting a medium-sized wedding with all the decorations, good food, etc. that we had dreamed of, we decided to use most of the wedding money to become debt-free, and spent the remainder on a small ceremony/dinner. sometimes when I hear of other people’s more elaborate weddings since my own, I start playing the “what-ifs” in my head – what if we had used that money to be able to invite more people and have more of a party? but in the end, we made the wisest decision to start our lives together with few financial constraints. hopefully couples will use whatever funds they are given or have saved up wisely – have a beautiful wedding that they will be happy with without starting their marriage with a ton of debt.
When we got married,I had to make all the arrangements because my fiance was in school,2000 miles away. I rented the hall, picked the wedding bands which he then went out and bought (the wrong ones naturally), picked my dress when visiting him for Christmas break (on the condition that he buy it if he got a job) and arranged for my bouquet, shoes, some tailoring,etc. My mother bouaght the cake. My friends brought friend. I hired a band. All in all,it cost $350 including-everything. We were poor college students. We had no honeymoon. We had no dreams of buying a house. That was for later. Now ,married 37 years,our children expect not only college tuition ,which we went into debt to provide,but expensive lfestyles too. They sneer that we want to hang onto our house,which is in foreclosure,since it seem “at our age” we should move into something more appropriate,like a 1 bdrm appt. Well thanks kids- but we spent your wedding money on a lawyer and I now understand those bumper stickers on the backs of the RV’s. “We are spending our kids’ inheritance.” Never think that even the present is a sure thing. $30,000 in one day lasts 1 day. Then real life comes and knocks you down. Travel,have fun,and save a little-for yourself.
One glaring omission from this article, what if the couple did not go into “debt” to pay for the wedding?
Please note that what you spend on your wedding is your business. But that doesn’t mean others don’t think it is silly, wasteful, or whatever. What they think about how much you spend is their business.
However, $29k average for an American wedding is ludicrous, since that’s in the neighborhood of 6 months gross salary for the average American. Are there folks for whom this amount is reasonable? Sure. But most of us aren’t in that group. Certainly the average American isn’t.
My wife and I spent approximately $1500 for our wedding. Most of that was because of where we got married: On top of the mountain where we met. So, we had to have port-a-potties hauled up there. We had to rent 15-passenger vans to take folks to the top of the mountain. (Insufficient parking and bad roads.) If you eliminate the location-dependent expenses, we probably spent $500-600. And we are both reasonably well-paid professionals. And if we hadn’t had the money (cash) we’d have cut back. We borrowed nothing for the wedding. Yet our friends and families made it a point to let us know that ours was the most fun wedding that they’d ever been too.
Did you spend more? That’s cool. Less? That’s cool too. Either way, I hope it was what you wanted. But for the average American to spend $29,000 on a wedding is just foolish. The only sure-fire way to become well-off and retire well (or even rich) is to consistently spend less than you make. Always. Yes, emergencies happen, so sometimes you can’t. But they should be treated as what they are: Rare exceptions, not policy or habit. Spending what you don’t have is a bad habit. The time to stop it is now.
If you disagree, that’s fine. But arithmetic doesn’t care about our feelings. It is what it is, despite our wishes.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
I recently got married, and I feel that I have a few things to contribute to this debate.
First of all, to those of you who said you got married 10 yrs a go. Or even to a smaller extend 5 yrs ago and spend X. Please keep in mind that things are a lot more expensive now. EVERYTHING costs more now. Do you buy a car, go out to dinner, get a haircut for the same price you did back then? I highly doubt it..
My parents, in-laws, husband and I all live within our means. We don’t buy expensive clothes, wear expensive jewelry, drive pricey cars.. ect. I come from an immigrant family, but my husband is from the Boston area. He has a HUGE family. It was very important for my in-laws to include everyone close to them and they were very happy to help contribute for the increase in guest list size. Some people see wedding as more of a family reunion…. and nothing is more important than family.
We don’t know anyone who happens to have a home with a large backyard. Most people we know live in the city or the suburbs with limited space. Parks require you to get a permit and with the fickle weather, I would have wanted to have a tent put up in the event of rain (which is very pricey). We also have a lot of elderly/out of town guests who we tried to accommodate and kept that in mind when choosing a location.
Keep in mind, when you are having a wedding in a backyard or park, you still need to rent tables, chairs, napkins, ect. While you have more flexibility in picking a caterer (so you can find someone with cheaper fees than getting food from a more traditional wedding venue) but after calling around in my area and doing the math on the rental costs, it was cheaper to get married at a country club that included everything.
I wanted to have a sit-down dinner. I felt that since people flew in half-way across the country, the least I can do in thanking them is feed them 🙂 I did a lot of DIY (invites, programs, hotel gift bags) and negotiated a lot with vendors/our venue/ect to save money, clipped coupons, bought stuff on ebay/secondhand on craigslist. I did a lot of things myself that could be done in advance. But honestly, I refused to spend hours baking my own cake (or ask a friend/family member to do so) or doing my own flowers the day before when friends/family were coming in. I wanted meet my husband’s family. If you have a friend/father/ect. taking photos or taking video, for them to do a good job and capture everything, they are not actually enjoying the wedding. And, I did not want that. I paid to have professional photos/videos that I could send to my family far away and not impose/burden those closest to me with the job of taking photos.
So, in the end, I had a wedding that was 32k. It was paid for by several people, all of whom loved the planning process with me and were happy to contribute, and I would not have had it any other way.
Sounds like you had an absolutely BEAUTIFUL wedding! I hope you have a long, happy marriage — and, from your comments about family & the things that are important to you, I believe you will. 🙂 CONGRATS to you and your new Hubby.
Personally, I have no problem the amount, $200, $3000, $15,000, or $30,000, as long as the couple planned it well in the grand scheme of things.
I do have problems though with those couples who spend $50,000 on a wedding and then for instance, only put 5% down on their house at a higher interest rate because they don’t have enough to put down 20% at a much lower interest rate. Or that couple, spends $50,000 on the wedding because her dad saved it for her, then couldn’t afford to buy a new car when her old car broke down. One of those WTF moments.
My wife and I both make 6 figures with a combined income of more than $250k pre-tax, but in our situations, $50k saving amount to $75k pre-tax, given our situation, with the need to lower our principal by another $30k to qualify for refinance at a much lower interest and the need to buy a new Honda Odyssey, $50k after tax for one day is way too much.
But again, if you have all those taken care of? Then feel free, spend $100k if you have the extra. As long as you are being responsible.
Why does it matter to YOU if a couple spends $50,000 on THEIR wedding and then only puts 5% down on a house (and has a higher interest rate)? Why is that any of YOUR business?
Stupid (on their part)?? YES. But — unless it’s your kid and she’s asking you for money for that downpayment — it’s really not your problem. And, in reality, you have NO idea what anyone else can afford — or can’t afford.
That’s what too many posters on this thread don’t seem to ‘get’: unless you’re paying for it, it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how much any couple (or their parents) spend on THEIR wedding. So go to the wedding — wish the happy couple well — and KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT.
Or — better yet — STAY HOME. I wouldn’t have wanted small-minded, hypocritical, judgmental, know-it-all JERKS like you at my wedding, and I’m betting no one else would, either.
If you and the bride and /or groom cannot talk about money, they are your acquaintance(s), not your friends.
REALLY? Cause…I don’t talk about money (salaries, etc.) with my friends. Hell…I don’t even share that information with my siblings. I don’t know how much they make — they don’t know how much I make. (We all do well, by the way — all 5 of us have household incomes of over $100,000.) Why in the world do you think it’s any of YOUR business how much people spend — or make — or whatever??
So your wedding was $200? If you are going to make such a big deal about expensive weddings, I’d really like to see what you spent that money on.
None of your business. Get a life.
I meant “Don’t over think things so much”.
You’re friend is loaded and wants to treat you and everyone else to a pricey party. What’s the problem? Relax. It’s party time. Don’t over things so much. Just enjoy the fun.
We were married 35 years ago. We were students and paid for everything ourselves: total cost $250 including the dress. We had a pot luck wedding and for reasons I won’t disclose my family did not attend. My dress was cheap and awful and the pictures were so bad I just threw them out eventually. The marriage lasted, but to this day, I feel cheated that I did not have a nice wedding. Sometimes you do have to pay for nice party.
Deborah – throw yourself a nice anniversary party for your 35th even if the date was actually a few months ago or for your 40th (or, well, for any number in between). It’s what my parents did for their 40th because they’d had a very, very small wedding, and my mom always wanted a “real” wedding. They invited family and friends–I think it was around 150 people. My mom got a gorgeous evening gown and my dad rented a tux. I paid for the band. They asked people not to bring gifts. We all had a ball with a delicious dinner, dancing, an open bar.
Married 37 years ago. Spent $350 including the dress. Had a potluck reception-his parents didn’t come for the wedding. They came for the honeymoon and tried to stay for the divorce-lol. My wedding dress was $60- a Kanjeevaram silk sari. It was gorgeous. It wear it every year. We are still happy together. Our values have pulled us through some really terrible times. Maybe on our 40th,we’ll have a big wedding. He gave me a 1 carat diamond engagement ring for our 25th. Now THAT’s special.
Let’s be blunt. Lots of young couples spend money that they could use as a down payment on a house, (or they go into serious debt), to throw a 3 hour party. I know that every bride thinks that this is her special day and so on, but the reasons it is special should be the things that do not cost money, not the ones that do. In fact, when you get down to it, all weddings are pretty much the same. Ceremony, pictures, food, cake, music, dancing. And a white dress. And flowers.
$30,000 for a three hour party that is like everyone else’s three hour party. Lots of people are getting “taken”. Smart couples keep it very simple. How many times does anyone want to hear “Celebrate good times come on” played by a DJ.
I am from Texas and have seen not only cheap weddings, I was “invited” to one where you bought admission tickets!
Yes, for a set amount you could buy your position at this wedding.
But this is Texas where it is not unheard of to “invite” someone to a “ranch” to work putting hay in a barn, cleaning out stalls, or running a weedeater, or be labeled lazy.
If one is real lucky, they can pay to work a branding, and mind you, this is not a guest ranch where this is an activity, no, you are expected to “like” this.
And, no, I do not attend this type of event.
Money isn’t everything. I know that’s difficult to fathom in a country obsessed with money, but it isn’t for most of us. Your wedding is a celebration, a time to get families and friends together to share in a moment.
Sometime those families are big, sometimes they’re smaller. For me, I got a moment that won’t ever happen again. My Great Grandmother got to see almost all the lives she created. Her children, their children and their children. it made for an amazing family tree photo, She has since passed but that memory is with me as long as there’s a computer to recognize a jpeg.
Now if you’re happy with a 200 dollar cake. Good for you. Maybe you’re not close to your family, maybe your family tradition is BYO Everything at parties. Maybe you just love the thought of your bank more than your friends and family.
Everyone makes decisions with money. As long as they’re spending their own money it’s really none of your concern.
I think it is ridiculous to judge a couple’s committment to one another by how much money they spend. People who have lavish weddings are not necessarily confusing the wedding with the marriage, and having a courthouse wedding is no guarantee of a lasting marriage.
Wedding costs vary considerably from one part of the country to another. $30K in Boston amounts to a fairly tight budget, whereas it might qualify as ‘lavish’ in a rural area.
I am about to celebrate my 10th anniversary of a wedding that cost us $25,000. A good portion of that was spent on a wedding planner, which was well worth the money. My husband and I live in Georgia, but I am from Massachusetts and all my family and many friends are there. Since many of my aunts and uncles were elderly, and a couple of my brothers and sisters wouldn’t be able to afford airline tickets and a hotel in Georgia, we decided to have the wedding in the Boston area. Between the distance and a full-time job, it would have been very difficult for me to make the arrangements by myself. Had our wedding been held locally, I would not have taken on this expense, but under the circumstances it was worth every penny. I saved some money on the venue by having the wedding on a holiday vs. a Saturday evening. My dress cost $800 with alterations, and it was the perfect one for me. I made the wedding favors and programs, which wasn’t free because I needed to purchase the materials to do so. My parents paid for the flowers, and to keep that cost down I had the ceremony flowers moved to the reception venue. Because the venue itself was gorgeous, I did not need much in the way of flowers and decorations to personalize the space. I also did not have a cash bar. Most people in my family and many of my friends don’t drink to begin with, so I didn’t feel that I was ‘cheating’ my guests by having them pay for alcohol. I had a guest list of 90, which was mostly my rather large family (my husband is from another country) as well as some close friends. I had a sit-down dinner because my elderly relatives and very young nieces and nephews would have had trouble negotiating a buffet. I wanted a personal wedding with my family and friends there, and I wanted them to have a great time – it wasn’t about showing off at all. People still comment on how nice my wedding was.
I was in my early 40s (first marriage for me, husband was a widower) at the time, earning almost $100K/year, and my husband is a doctor making a 6 figure salary. I used credit cards only to have some negotiating power if a vendor failed to deliver per contract, but paid the bills as they came in. I did not go into debt over this wedding. We were fortunate enough to not have to make the decision to spend money on a wedding or buy a house or whatever. I could have afforded to spend more, but it would have been meaningless to me.
My wedding planner told me of another client who had a budget of $20K, who had purchased a Vera Wang gown for $10,ooo. To me that is ridiculous – what was she going to feed her guests?
I have been to some beautiful, touching weddings that were done on a shoestring budget too. It is about what you put into it of yourself, not what sort of money is spent.
How would your friend not know how you feel after reading this article?
The problem is, is that they spend this money on the party- not on the wedding. The wedding is the ceremony that binds the couple to one another. The most important part of the day that is actually considered the least important. If more people were focused on the marriage part of the day, they might have their priorities a little bit better than they currently are.
What I find terribly strange is that the bride or groom has told their friend how much their wedding cost. I have told NO ONE how much our wedding cost, and it’s no one’s business. Perhaps it’s the people who talk about how much their wedding cost who are the ones that find themselves in divorce court…they don’t have any respect for privacy, nor do they have any class.
It is also not very nice to presume how much a wedding cost, because some people know a baker, so their cake is free as a gift, or know a seamstress so their wedding duds are given inexpensively as a gift. Don’t assume, and definately don’t ask how much someone’s wedding cost. It’s just rude!
My wife and I were married 10 years ago in a civil ceremony with no one in attendance at all (you can do that in Japan; you just get a form, fill it out, get a witness you your choice to sign it, and bring it back to your city hall. You’re done). Last year and having been living in the US now for a few years, we decided to be married in the church, something we’d long wanted to do anyway. In attendance were my family, a few relatives she has in the US, and a few close friends of ours.
She rented a wedding dress and a beautiful formal dress for the reception (wedding dress rentals are very popular among Asians and can save you a boatload of money; we rented hers in Westminster, CA. Those Vietnamese wedding rental shops are the best!) that we held at a Chinese restaurant. A friend of ours made the corsages, boutonnieres, and floral arrangements. Our total cost for everything – even the gas driving from northern California – was under $5000.
We only had about 30 guests, so I can see that if people have a lot of friends and relatives, buy an expensive wedding dress, book and expensive place for the reception, etc., it’s probably not that hard to spend $30K on a wedding. We could have easily spent double – maybe even triple – what we spent without trying too hard. We could have afforded it, too, but we looked at that and thought having such a big, meticulously planned event would only give us a ton of stress and detract from what we really wanted – the spiritual significance of the day of our wedding in the church, witnessed by friends and family.
Don’t get me wrong – the reception was great, our photos were great ($1000 with video, and we have a DVD with the original digital images on them), and everyone ate until they could eat no more at one of the best Chinese restaurants in San Diego. It was an inexpensive wedding, not a cheap wedding. You can have a pretty good wedding for a few thousand, if you try.
That’s true but you said it yourself. you only had 30 guests. I have 30 people in my immediate family. 🙂
I also can’t believe that people think they have to give enough money to cover their plate. That’s the most ridicuolus thing I have ever heard. You give what you can afford, no more, no less. Some people at our wedding gave us $1000. Some gave us $100. One gave us a picture frame and a bottle of Andre champagne. I didn’t care. I love them all, and I wanted to celebrate with them, not squeeze them for cash. In fact, one friend gave us the UGLIEST vase that you have ever seen – and til this day, it is sitting in our study! We love it, because it was something that was picked out for us, I didn’t care that it was ugly. Again I will say it: it is not for you to judge what people spend. We spent $100,000, came out with no debt, quite a bit of money to start our lives with (many people were very generous), and beautiful memories. I don’t know where other people commenting here live, but for where I live, that’s higher than average, but not by much. People still talk about our wedding – but they don’t mention how expensive it was – they mention how FUN it was! I have been to backyard weddings that were a blast as well – who cares that they didn’t spend as much as me? The one thing I bought that was inexpensive was my wedding dress – it was $800. My mother wanted me to get a more expensive one, but I didn’t – I loved it, and I didn’t care about the cost. It’s not like there would be a price tag stuck to my butt so everyone could see what I paid and judge me. Stop wasting your time and just enjoy the event. The only opinions that matter are the bride and groom.
Are you kidding me? You’re saying that if people have a big wedding their marriage won’t last?!?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Just because some people can afford to spend money on their wedding doesn’t mean that they’re destined to be divorced. It’s sounds like some people are just jealous. Don’t try to justify your inexpensive wedding for the reason why you’re still married. Like some people have already mentioned, including the article, everyone does what they can afford! And if they spend more than they can afford, then that’s their problem.
$200? What’d you do, go to Mickey D’s for your wedding? Did you splurge and supersize your happy meal?
$30k is expensive? Clearly you’re nowhere close to the coasts. Our wedding in Manhattan cost $60k and that was with only 110 guests. I don’t agree with spending outrageous amounts either, but the wife has been dreaming of the day since she was 5. So I am not going to deny the person that I love her dream, no matter what I think. I would have spent $30k if it was my choice, but it wasn’t.
It’s relative to how much you make. If you make $10 billion, $500k for a wedding is nothing. If you make $30k, $30k for a wedding is outrageous.
If you make $10 billion,you are Bill Gates and he is good enough to donate very generously to charity. My $350 wedding included 100+ guests and we asked the close friends coming not to bring gifts but rather,food for a pot-luck reception. It was coordinated by a friend. Flowers? 1 wedding bouquet for $25 and no boutoniere-the groom wore a silk kurta and dhoti-No buttonhole. 6 bouquets for
$1 a piece graced the buffet table. I have lived on both coasts. I live in California now. We had no rich relatives. W also had no debts. And where did you live after your wedding? I know the prices out here and I’ll bet our hard to come by house is more appreciated than yours is. In bad economic times,we still know how to cut back to nearly nothing. You sound like you would
collapse in a puddle of Armani and caviar.
I got married almost 7 years ago, and my wedding cost about $100,000. My parents, in-laws, and my husband and I had a wonderful time planning the wedding, and I wouldn’t give those memories back for anything. My parents had the money for the wedding, and there was no debt – in fact, I believed that all of the bills were paid in cash. And before anyone says that we should have used the money to buy a house, I will say that my parents had earmarked that money for my wedding alone – as in, they wouldn’t just be giving us that cash if we had run out to Town Hall. It didn’t matter, because I wanted a big wedding. My brother and his wife gave us a beautiful honeymoon to Mexico. Instead of wedding favors, we donated money to the American Heart Association. I have no regrets, and my mother still says that planning my wedding was the best time in her life. I have beautiful, professional pictures of myself with my dad, which is very special to me, since he passed away a year ago. As for my marriage, I love my husband more today than I did the day we got married! For the record, my parents also had a lavish wedding, and they were married for 40 years, only ended by my father’s death. If people want to spend the money, why should you care? I agree that no one should put themselves in debt, but if the couple can afford the wedding, then no one should be judging. I think it’s ridiculous when someone bus a luxury car, but then I think to myself, “Well, they can afford it. Good for them!” Why should a wedding be any different? If you have it, and you want to spend it on a wedding, then your guests should do what guests are supposed to do and enjoy themselves.
My niece had a expensive wedding but she could afford to. She paid for everything including the girls dresses and their real diamond jewerly that she gave them as gifts. She has her own business and can do whatever she likes, she help the elderly in her community as well. Not only that we stayed in luxury hotels the week of the wedding she wanted her family to really enjoy her celebration. The women enjoyed the Spa Treatment we got. Her maintainence guy lost his home to a storm and she is help rebuilding it for him, so dont just think that rich people dont help others because they do. She would give anybody the shoes off her back. Charity begins at home.
“real diamond jewelery” is the next problem. scam scam scam
too bad she fell into it. hope she gets it together in the future.
Yeah, spending that much on a day to party makes me cringe. But I’m just glad it’s their money and not mine.
200 dollars for a wedding? i haven’t gone on a date that cost that little in two years… did you guys eat hostess twinkees and toast with natty lights?
How much money people spend on their wedding is none of my business. But as a good friend, I just hope they can afford it, and it does not put them or their families in a financial crisis.
Can’t believe so many comments and so much negativity in every direction. Well, actually I can believe it. People have gotten so “my way is the right and only way” on just about every topic. However, the truth is how much a couple spends on their wedding isn’t any of my (or your) business. How they finance the wedding? Also none of our business. How long the marriage lasts or is predicted to last? You guessed it-not our business. The only way the cost of the wedding has anything to do with me is if I’m having to pay big bucks for a bridesmaid dress or something like that. Of course, the couple shouldn’t be going on and on about the cost; not sure if that makes it the listener’s business or not. I’m very much a whatever floats your boat kind of person. So, more power to all couples-no matter how big or small of a wedding you want. Just know that no matter what kind of wedding you have, there will be plenty of people who think they have the right to tell you what you did wrong.
Noting pretentious about getting married in a castle, though
You’re right, it isn’t – we had a quiet ceremony in the chapel, just the two of us. Pretentious would be renting the castle, putting up family and friends in the rooms, a full row of bridesmaids, the horse-drawn carriage, the huge cake, hired music, blah, blah, blah. And we had the budget for it – between our families, we had the blessing to spend about $75k. We just didn’t find the big display necessary.
My husband and I spent $10k on our wedding – we eloped and spent three weeks honeymooning in Europe! I find huge, drippy weddings silly and pretentious. Our ceremony was in the chapel of a castle in Austria, beautiful and meaningful. The best thing about our wedding was what we gained, rather than what we spent – we’re best friends, and we’re happy (after twelve years)!
Spending more money wouldn’t have made our marriage any better or worse. Folks should worry less about keeping up appearances, and more on being a happy, united family.
I just got married last month and the overall cost of the wedding/planning etc. was $120,000. For Long Island, New York, it was about average at best.
My first wedding (in 1988) cost under $5,000. My second wedding (in 2004) cost less than $2,000. I think $30k is rather excessive. I’d rather spend that on the honeymoon!
Oh, I forgot to say: the first marriage lasted 5 years; this second one is still going strong at 7. I was 22 when I married the first time; I really believe I was too young. But I agree that a couple should only spend on their wedding what they can afford without going into debt. The first years of marriage are challenging enough without adding financial burden.
I had a tiny wedding and in retrospect, wish I’d spent a little more to be honest. Not thousands and thousands more, but a little more.
I wish I’d spent a little more on hair and mani/pedis… would have felt more glamorous!
Wish I’d spent more on the rehearsal dinner space… it was free and gloooooomy. A little room in the basement of our big apt. complex.
Wish I’d spent a little more on flowers, too… would have felt more special.
Totally agree with the idea that getting into debt isn’t the best way to begin life together, but I wanted to say that I did a super cheap wedding and at one point looked around and thought, oh my GAWD. This looks so tawdry!!!! Ack.
thanks so much for writing this MissMama.
My mom died in her 40s…I had no wedding, or much of anythingelse. So I strived to ‘give’ my sister the day she wanted. It meant an entire summer of eating bagged beans (canned ones were too expensive) while sewing false pearls and sequence on the re-embroidered lace Diane so loved.
The bride’s maids were all younger than 25 so to save them some dollars I made their dresses too.
I made the food (cooking IS my main wished-for job…Diane’s co-worker, a dietitian at the local hospital, said it was the best, most varied buffet she’d seen…and ASK me for my whiskey sweet potato recipe~~not sure they’ll be serving that at the County Hospital but it made me smile.)
I rented the hall. I hired waiters (from a local place where food’s thrown down efficiently.) I got the dinner wine (from Germany where our parents had lived.) I got the champagne for toasts. I ordered 400 carnations through Kroger (yep, the grocery store). I glued peach and baby blue and yellow feathers on the ends of those silly blowers (think : 5 yr olds party blowers.)
An evening squeezing ornate Kid’s party blowers onto pipecleaners on floral domes (I’d stick the carnations onto the next day), well, 13 table decorations and 4 “bride’s table” centerpieces wiped me out.
***you know the 1st KID who grabbed a blower off their table’s centerpiece made my f’ing week. Adults didn’t touch the centerpieces—but once a kid grabbed a blower and blew it in the face of the other sit-down dinner guests IT WAS CONTAGIOUS. Grand-mama’s grabbed them too. ***
At the dessert table a kazoo was ‘formally’ handed (yep..in a fake linen k-mart napkin) to each Crème brûlée seeker. As everyone settled to eat their desserts Diane and Keith had their 1st dance. It was heart-breaking and formal and all that stuff that’s stuffed in sterling silver picture frames. During the father daughter dance my youngest sister approached Keith. They stood for a moment then he took her hand, my mother would have been beyond proud.
30 minutes later the little girls formed a conga line behind the bride and the kazoos went wild.
My academic, fairly shy father asked the Chair of the English Dept, as he was leaving, if “this August wedding” was up-to attending. Prof English said, “It’s not the best party of the summer…IT’S THE BEST PARTY THIS YEAR.” 10 years later my dad still remembers that.
I read all the hatefully sillyness here + wonder: my youngest sister was 14, my mother was dead, my dad was bereft, I was a young woman trying to hold the joy in a seeming void. My 24 year old sister had a beautiful, wonderful day…”her dream”. Each of us remember and cherish the formal-silly juxtaposition….the idea: Our family lives! (although our mother is lost.)
Now, more than a decade later MissMama I WOULD SPEND $$$ I DIDN’T HAVE THEN TO SPEND (instead I threw my time and imagination against it.) The money, today, would mean nothing to me. The experience=everything.
By-the-by: Diane and Keith are happy with 2 beautiful kiddos.
I married the love-of-my-life last year in Key West, we left the court house on electric scooters. Into the sunset.
I’ve always hated big weddings because I had two older sister who had big (for our family’s income) bashes. Each took about a year of planning. Each took a lot more money than our family could comfortably afford.
The result for me was serious neglect as a child, because the wedding planning consumed our parents’ attention and energy, and no college for me, because they were still paying off my sisters’ weddings and degrees.
I have such a phobia that I’ve only been to two other weddings in my life, for dear friends, and I was left in debt just for my bridesmaid expenses. I got married at Town Hall, no reception, and have a long and happy marriage.
Some people can’t afford them and have them anyways, your parents should have put their feet firmly in the ground and said no. I’m sorry weddings put you in such a difficult position.
It’s a matter of choice. Personally I would rather spend money on something other than a big fancy wedding for all the world to see and judge. What matters most to me is the concept of the celebration and having it last beyond all expectations of time. It’s not the ceremony that makes you married, (well legally it is) however it’s the commitment of one’s self. If you’ve got it, spend it! For me I’d rather spend it wisely elsewhere.
It’s not about judging people but viewing it with a little common sense is ok too. I personally think it’s ridiculous. My wife was married before me, high school sweetheart, dated through college. 20k wedding 2 months after graduating and…. lasted 18 months. We hopped a plane to vegas and are closing in on a decade.
I think from what I have seen, cash bars and dollar dances are actually a lot more popular among the lower spending crowd. Part of the reason you end up with a spendy wedding is you are doing it the “old school”, don’t ask your guests for diddle way.
You can HAVE that economy wedding without the cash bar or the dollar dance, just be ready to serve wine from a box and fire up the keg. Nothing WRONG with that, just saying…
I agree that the puritanical “less is best crowd” is as annoying as the flashy-spendy people.
Whatever floats their boat, as long as they don’t have a cash bar or a dollar dance.
I spent about $3,000 for my wedding, including he honeymoon. I don’t think that makes me better than anyone else.
I also don’t care how virtuous and frugal you were.
The puritanical spending-less-is-always-best crew is no more appealing than the ostentatious I-spent-a-fortune-and-you-can’t crowd.
I agree. I don’t see how, “I spent less money then you so there,” is any better then “I spent so much money”. Either way its telling people “I’m better then you are.”
In 1986, ate age 21 & 23, my husband and I were young recent college graduates. We married in a local church we belonged to in college [$150 for pastor’s services] so there was no fee for renting the church. Our rings cost $1200 total, including the diamond engagement ring. My dress was off the sale rack at JC Penny’s and totaled $500 with alterations. My maid of honor picked a cocktail dress for herself that she could wear after the service. We had no bride’s maids. Our flowers cost <$50. My brother-in-law took pictures and made us a small album as a wedding gift. We had a cake and champagne reception late afternoon in my parent's home for family and closest friends [my parents picked up these costs]. Our "honeymoon" was overnight at a hotel in the nearby city with brunch at a fine restaurant the next morning and then back home because we had work Monday morning.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and went on our first ever [3-day] cruise to the Bahamas (on a super saver discount!). We called this our honeymoon!
We have three firmly- grounded young- adult daughters. None are hung up on getting married or big weddings, but instead are concentrating on their education and careers. They all know how much I (their mother) hate the wastefulness of wedding, cut flowers, wedding invitations, etc. and say they totally agree.
We've already told they, that when they decide to get married, we plan to give each $10K to either offset their {low budget} wedding costs and/or as a down payment on their first home. They've all told me they would rather use the funds for a home. If they choose not to marry we will gift them $10K toward their first home purchase or higher education degrees (law degrees aren't cheap).
By “keeping your mouth shut” do you mean writing and publishing an articlet about it?
Everyone has different standards of how they choose to spend, some go for bigger houses, some nicer clothes, some higher-priced cars. It’s all personal preference.
I don’t care how much people spend on whatever. It’s their money.
We spent 45K on a trip to Africa. Nobody’s business but ours.
Lots of marriages now do not make the two year mark- well, at least a lot relative to decades past. I think it is caused by all sorts of things-not knowing each other well enough, marrying to young or just with unrealistic expectations, whatever. I don’t think it is caused by having an expensive wedding. It could be that the “fairytale” wedding crowd suffers from a reality gap more often.
On the other hand, I went to a very lavish wedding about 5 years ago (affluent people in their 50’s I grant). There was an ice sculpture Cinderalla slipper – and they are still going strong.
I have a distant cousin who had an elaborate wedding in a different state. My husband went to the wedding because we couldn’t afford to purchase airplane tickets for both of us. After the wedding, the new couple sent us their wedding video that I didn’t have time to get around to watch it, and frankly I didn’t remember where I placed the video. By the time I found it, which was 2 yr after the wedding, the “new couple” had already been divorced a year earlier!!
Will be interesting when they figure out later that their money would have been better spent somewhere else. However, if they have that kind of cash, maybe money is no option.
Let me assure you though, that the amount spent on a wedding ceremony is no guarantee for the length of the marriage. Some of the most lavish weddings have ended up with the quickest divorces later. I’ve seen it happen more than a few times.
get married outside the USA. My wife and I dropped $15000 on ours (which is astronomical for Guatemala) and had the storybook wedding out of the first scene of the Godfather. It’s a great way to be able to pull out all the stops on a wedding and still be able to afford it.
btw in NYC area and suburbs as sad as it sounds most gifts are cash and within reason people give based on wedding as they try to cover the plate. It is a fine art. If you decide to have a $500 a plate wedding believe me most couples will say ok I will bump it up to maybe $300 a couple but not my problem the wedding is so expensive. If you are too cheap, VFH hall, cake in backyard, buffet at local restaurant people will give you like $100 a couple. If you are in sweet spot of $75 to $100 a person everyone will cover their plate.
So bottom line spending too much you lose a lot on every couple, spending too little you just look cheap and people give less. A modest, nice wedding in a catering hall with a sit down dinner, open bar and good dessert with a DJ will net you nearly 100% back in the gifts. Plus Mom and Mother in law will be happy. You save no money on too cheap a wedding as people give less, or worse like a toaster with no receipt and you risk starting marriage off on wrong foot.
Advice from someone married who has been to at least 50 weddings.
wow, I didn’t realize people charged others to attend their wedding. That’s kinda jive. Doesn’t that like, I don’t know, end friendships?
I live in NYC and this is so untrue. I give the same gift, whether the Plaza or a home wedding.
When I got married, we did a nice wedding for around 95 people. I cut if off at first cousins to get to that number. My spouse and I paid for it ourselves. The wedding all in cost around 20K. It was a nice wedding but I did watch costs, afternoon on a Saturday which was fine as Aunts and Uncles are old and would not be able to attend a too late reception, we had a DJ as that helps as you have to feed a band plus cost of band, no wedding party only best man and maid of honor so we could have only one limo. Still comes to that price when you factor in everything. It was a great wedding and we have great memories. The average couple gives around $200 at a wedding in New York. However, normally the brides parents, the groom parents, godparents give around 1k a couple and brothers and sisters around $500-1k a couple. In the end the wedding cost like 5k out of pocket. Hardly worth having no memories, no photo album and starting off on the wrong foot with the inlaws. As long as the wedding is not super large or extravagant after gifts a 10k-30K wedding is at best a few thousand dollars. You might as well not buy an engagement ring or go on a honeymoon and get married at city hall if you are saving money. But then again marriage should be all in. I don’t know if I would be happy a future son in law wanted to hedge his bets by going cheapo.
Put the money into something that will last forever… gold. We’ll all soon wish we had thought smarter.
In India,the gifts are traditionally gold and saris. Silly people,right? My mother-in-laws’ outdated jewelry that I was planning to take to India the next time we went and exchange for modern styles in my size -a common thing in India,came in handy when we needed cash at the end of a long period of unemployment. I pawned a few pieces-22K gold is very welcome-and redeemed it 3 months later. Try to do that with your leftover food and old wine bottles. Thanks Ma!
My husband wanted to spend more than I did on the wedding, actually. His first wedding was a very inexpensive deal with the ceremony and cake at his own house. He just wanted a bigger occasion this time. I loved it, but I would have been good with less, too.
Guys dont want to spend this much. This is all about the women and how much money she can have spent on here. Weddings are a joke….I would never marry a women that wasn’t happen wit ha court house marriage.
It seems that the meaning behind a wedding gets lost in the facade created by these monster gigs. One thing’s for certain: The high price doesn’t make them last any longer. .. and they’ll eventually wish they had the money to put down on a home or their children’s education.
Maybe they have the money for all of it and don’t have to make those choices. Or maybe they won’t have children.
People who go into debt to finance a wedding deserve a lifetime of misery fighting over finances.
Seriously rude.
MathMom — we did spend about $6000 on our reception: we paid $35/plate for adults 21 & over, $18 for kids 12-20 (who aren’t old enough to take advantage of the open bar), and only $8 for kids 11 & under (who got a chicken nuggets plate). We had a lot of children at our wedding — it was important to me to include them. And we didn’t have a band — we had a professional deejay (a friend who performed his services for us as his wedding gift). Another friend — a professional baker — gave us a 3-tiered wedding cake with fountain & 4 heart-shaped side cakes as her gift.
I negotiated the cost of the kids’ meals with the (very elegant) reception hall (in a Chicago suburb, BTW).
So YOU “do the math”. Or, better yet, shut the hell up when you have NO CLUE what you’re talking about.
Cannot tell you how disappointed I was that when my big day came around, all those people I bent over backwards for, were not as generous with their thoughts or actions.
Racking up costs to equal thirty thousand dollars is actually not a terribly hard feat when one considers bridal dresses with alterations goes for at least 1K, photographers for 3-5K, pre-maritial counseling for 1K, flowers for 1-2 K, dj or band 2-11K, etc.
Second, the idea of a wedding does get pulled between the bride, groom, parents, family members, friends, and additional guests. That’s a lot of people to please – let alone schedule for one day. The couple being married must establish their goals and what they are willing to tollerate before they consider plan b (like a dj instead of a band). We have so much less time to plan events and venues are booked excessively in advance (sometimes 2 years for a Saturday!).
No matter who they are or how they are getting married for whatever price, don’t lose the couple in the process. Celebrate with them even if it’s a very low key affair because they will remember it forever.
30k…? My wedding is in Oct 2011 and I believe we are around the 100k mark. Is that too much?
Oh yah!! It’s not about them, it’s about you and your spouse. I hope a happy day is “worth” 100K
To Mike22cmn: Yes. 🙂
Yes- and you’re bragging not asking,right? But that still means you’re not aware of can what can happen to you financially soon. Forget finances-2 two words. Kim Kardashian )And I thought they’d last for 6 months. Silly me.
I love weddings. I cry at the ceremonies and laugh and dance at the receptions and have never thought about the cost of any of them. Whether the receptions were at the Drake Hotel or the church basement, they have been wonderful and joyful experiences. I was taught that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and that includes other peoples finances. Whether they overspent for their particular circumstance is their business. I was invited to partake and enjoyed the day, as most people attending did. I am not an incredible romantic yet being part of someone’s wedding or child’s christening or birthday party is to me, yet another chance to celebrate life’s special moments. As all of our lives are so finite, I relish the celebrations.
Whether the marriage ends in divorce or lasts a lifetime, I was invited to witness the event that always starts with such hope and dreams. Where it goes from there is always unknown.
My wedding in 1984 was fabulous in my eyes. We both had large families and lived out of state. Living in Orlando made our wedding a vacation wedding. It started the week before with family and friends arriving daily. We were married in the reception hall of the hotel my husband was Food and Beverage manager for. During the ceremony, unbeknownst to me, there was a fire in the kitchen and the fire department closed it as the ansel system had sprayed. The wonderful staff took the food to the kitchens in the suites and finished preparing the meal for 150 guests. The ultra sham ovens were sealed so the filets were saved. My husband made an announcement when I asked when the dinner was going to be served and explained what had happened to our families and friends. Then the doors opened and waiters and managers and kitchen personnel walked into the room with trays to a standing ovation. When everyone had been served, more tables were brought in and they were invited to stay. We ate and danced and partied until dawn.
Did it cost a lot of money? I think about $10,000 including the week’s hotel rooms and airfares for family and friends who could not come otherwise. I remember my niece’s flower girl dress cost more than my wedding dress as it had to be custom made as she was smaller than the pattern.
People still tell me that it was the most fun wedding they ever attended. Did we go into debt to pay for it, no, we had lived together for 9 years by then and had the money to pay for it. But I would have been appalled if anyone had asked or commented on it. As far as I know, no one did.
Thanks for letting me remember a wonderful week.
@wddingcryer –
You ROCK ! I wish this website had a ‘Like’ Button, you would get mine.
Though the cost will be about $20,000, all I really want and hope for is a day my daughter will relish for the rest of her life…surrounded by family and friends –
I wish I had been at your wedding – I would have cried, laughed and stood up clapping for such a wonderful event !
Man, there is a lot of hating on each other going on here!
Let’s just be happy that the “wedding world” is so diverse that everyone can have the wedding of his/her dreams! That’s part of the beauty of the country we live in – nobody is better or worse than anyone else based on how much their weddings cost, and there is no one “right way” to do anything.
I am getting married soon, and cannot wait to throw the best party (I’ve thrown) yet! Our wedding is up there cost-wise, but the huge majority was put into food, alcohol and live music – things that will hopefully make it a great experience for all of our guests.
I love that we have so many (200+) friends and family to celebrate with us that day.
I’m sure some of our guests would do things differently, but the first thing you learn when planning a wedding is that it is impossible to please all people all of the time.
What kills me is that some people on this list seem to think that people who throw thousand dollar weddings are some kind of spendthrifts. As if we don’t have budgets and make thoughtful decisions about the money and what we want-and all we do is just spend, spend, spend. Just because I have a 35,000 budget doesn’t mean I don’t have to make concessions about what I want for the wedding. Case in point, we nixed the idea of having the ice sculptures and the chocolate fountain idea. First, since kids will be attending the wedding that is a mistake waiting to happening…I can easily see a nephew or a young cousin splattered head-to-toe in white chocolate. But the main reason, chocolate covered kids aside, is that my husband and I wanted to have imported beer brought in from Germany. I lived there for a few years and the hubby knows that I always wanted this at my wedding but to bring it in ain’t cheap so we had to swap something out. In fact, except for a decent sundae and fruit bar (have diabetics in the family)- the cake is going to be the main dessert option. And since we went a little nuts on the location and decor, we will only be serving beer and wine all night, good quality beer and wine, mind you–but no liquor. So no cocktail hour after the ceremony or open bar at the reception. We will be doing a champagne toast at sunset with the guests and offering some nibbles while we do the guest meet and greet and pics, but that is a far cry from the cocktail hour my hubby envisioned for his family and friends. And since he gave up the cocktail hour, I nixed my plans for a more expensive wedding cake and a few other things so he can have a groom’s cake and pay for a round of golf in the morning of the wedding day for his friends and relatives–guy bonding thing.
The point of this post is not to show my fantastic budgeting skills, but rather to point out that people who have “big weddings” or so-called expensive ones oftentimes have to worry about costs and budgets as well. My husband and I can afford to do something bigger and we are assuming very little (if any) to make our wedding celebration happen. Just because we are spending 35,000 dollars doesn’t mean we are clueless about the spending decisions we are making.
I don’t like weddings. I’m tired of going to them. Save yourself some money and keep it small, or just go to city hall.
Or you could just not go…
I’m sure that if you dislike going to weddings so much the brides and grooms would be ok with you not going. That is what the RSVP is for. Even thought they might not say it, they are happy there will be one less person to pay for. That day they will not even care if you are there or not. All they will care about are the people that have attended, and are happy to be there.
i know of a lady that her father did not approve of her husband due to he was a jerk , and she knew how her father felt, and her father refused to give her to this man, she went out and rented this $10,000 place for her wedding and after this was done she asked her father for the money and he told her that he did not have that kink of money , and that she should have talked with him about this before going out and spending something that she did not have. She disowned her father. i personally know all three of these people and the husband to be is a jerk.
Getting maried is like going to Vegas. If you set aside a certain amount of money for gambling and wrote it off as ‘entertainment expense’ that’s one thing. But you wouldn’t go into debt to pay for a gambling trip would you? Likewise, before you go into debt to pay for the wedding consider: What’s more important, the wedding or the marriage?
“What’s more important, the wedding or the marriage.”
I like it!
Lots of jealousy and mean-spirited comments. Ummm, it’s about love. Worry about your wedding and your love.
Exactly!
I personally know people who spent well over $250,000 on their wedding and on the flip-side, there’s people like me, who spent under $2000.
To be honest, my wife and I got married at the courthouse, because she’s from overseas and it would have been kind of dumb to have a big fancy wedding here in Amurrika when most of her family/friends would not have been able to attend. Thus, we did our actual wedding in the legal sense and had parties in both countries for family and friends.
I took my wife’s whole family out for a nice restaurant dinner and it cost a few hundred bucks (her country is cheap like that, lucky me).
Here, my family threw a very informal shindig at my parents house and we had maybe 150 people attend. I have no idea what it cost my mom and dad, but I’m going to guess between $750 and $1250 — mostly for the food and drinks, along with the (not-too) fancy cake.
In both cases our guests seemed very satisfied and people had a lot of fun.
I would say that those of you espousing how it is “necessary” to spend $20-30k on a wedding are the same type of people who say it’s “necessary” for the man to spend 2 months of his salary on his fiancee’s ring.
That’s fine, if you feel like spending that, but don’t begrudge those of us who are able to escape the norm and live perfectly happy lives regardless.
I earn a six figure salary and live debt free, aside from my mortgage. My wife is currently a student and we do not carry student loan debt.
The 250k wedding people? 2 of the 3 couples are now divorced. The third has been married happily, for a long time.
Different strokes for different folks. Don’t judge.
My, my….so much heated controversy! Why do any of us care what choices others make? We all live with our spending decisions, and couples marrying will live with theirs. I might want to spend less, you might want to spend more, but in the end, what does it matter what others decide to do?
I would elaborate on my own wedding decisions, but I’m now divorced, and I don’t thing the wedding was a factor at all.
Let’s just get over ourselves, and realize that we won’t agree on this. Geesh.
If I can throw my two cents in here from a male/husband’s POV: Looking back thirty years, I remember the anxiety I felt when I asked my wife to marry me. I knew I couldn’t afford a big wedding and neither could she. I’d been down that road with a previous girlfriend/fiancee who had ideas of the size of everything from the ring to the wedding. Well, long story short, my wife accepted (and wasn’t all that interested in a big wedding either), we went to the JOTP, took our vows and OOMPAH!, here we are thirty years later still going strong. Had just enough money and time for a couple of days worth of honeymoon before I had to deploy. Point is, love will prevail if given the chance despite lack of money for a huge ceremony. Now, if you can afford it, get down but don’t think that it’s a necessity to put on the affair of the century and no, doing so will not garauntee success in your marriage.
Kudos Benjamin!! Wish my son had gotten advice from you some years ago (when we were “keeping our mouths shut” to maintain peace). He was an upwardly successful young man so “they” decided to pay for the wedding themselves (except he worked, she didn’t). She convinced him all the bridal pundits said the “acceptable” cost of an engagement ring was half your annual salary— so he went out & spent $50,000 on a Tiffany ring (which really wasn’t that pretty). Only the biggest of whigs in his company & the family members she really wanted to impress were invited. Somehow, she still managed to spend over $15,000 for the dinner reception, etc. for a whopping 55 people. Within another 3 years, she was “bored” (and still not working either) because he was never home (yeah, working to support her does that), and within another year it was over. Is any of this his fault, yeah, I guess it is because he should have just said NO instead of always trying to placate her diva moods. Is he still paying for it, yeah, and will be for several more years.
To be honest, this article pisses me off. I completely agree that this wedding-obsessed, go into bankruptcy culture being propagated by the wedding industrial complex is utter and complete bullshit. No one should put themselves into debt just to fit into some societal idea of what a wedding should be. That being said, my wedding will cost ~$30K (with 200+ guests, most of whom are family). I live in the NYC metropolitan area which normally drives the cost of everything up. My parents, my groom, and myself have been saving very hard to save up the money for this wedding. It’s not like any of us come from money or are extremely well off either. We have also been saving for a down payment on a home. None of us are taking out loans or going into debt for this wedding. We have been extremely conservative with how our money goes towards our wedding expenditures. We have saved quite a chunk of change towards both of our goals. It’s fine if someone wants to throw a $200 wedding. But why shouldn’t I be allowed to throw a $30K wedding if I have the means to do so? If you feel insecure because I have more money, that’s your problem and not mine.
I could not agree more with this post. I find it incredibly irresponsible the way the author writes about “judging” his/her friends – do they know that you feel this way? Perhaps they actually don’t want you there if you are going to spend the entire time biting your tongue about how you find the entire event to be inappropriate. I am also spending a good chunk of change on a wedding, because my dream wedding entails a party that can be attended by all of my 200+ friends and family, and serves them dinner and alcohol. And frankly, you can’t feed 200+ people for $200.
I also take some offense to the author’s comment that he/she spent $200, as though that is the norm by which to judge other weddings. I don’t know if the author had any guests at the event, but I will say that if you and your spouse only spent $200 and had guests, the “cost” of the wedding was likely dissipated to them. Having a BYO wedding, or a potluck wedding, or any sort of event in which the guests are contributing their food and drink, may result in a cheaper event for you and your bride/groom to be, but it simply moves the costs to your guests – some of whom have traveled to be there. Before bragging about how cheap your wedding is, maybe you should survey your guests, who might disagree.
Overpriced weddings have grown into an excuse to make some woman’s family bend over backwards for her with everyone assuring the bride that it’s OK to be a spoiled brat because this is “HER special day”.
The reason behind this pandering is obvious: profit for the companies that supply clothing and food and all the services needed to make this day exactly what the bride wants. The day is so special that it’s not uncommon for women to marry men they care nothing for, not because they want to be married but because Princess wants a wedding with an eight thousand dollar gown and five hundred (bored, resentful) people looking at her.
I had an unconventional wedding. It was a costume party and afterward we had some fireworks. Everyone including me had a blast. Through the years I have watched other females selfishly fling their parents deep into debt, demand that all their friends buy five hundred dollar ugly dresses and freak out when the minutest detail does not go her way. Who has fun in all of this? The bride of course.
It’s not about love, it’s rampant materialism.
Bitter Michelle
I bet you are just jealous and you wish you could have what all the brides have.
If I had a friend like you I would rather your RSVP said you couldn’t come to my wedding… that is a option you know. I would only want close friends and family with me on my big day and any of those people would just be happy that I am happy no matter where my wedding is at or what I am wearing.
I agree (a year and a half later, but I agree). I hate those “bridezilla” types who want everything to be super expensive (but she doesn’t want to foot the bill), who insists her bridesmaids buy ugly dresses (god forbid they look better than her), I’ve heard of a few cases where brides have demanded ridiculous things like, all their bridesmaids have to dye their hair the same color. Yes, your wedding day is a special day, but it is not an excuse to turn into a total psychobitch.
My first wedding in 1993 was paid for by my parents, and cost around $7,000.00. I don’t remember much of it and it wasn’t MY wedding….my parents married very simply and my mother never really got over that. So she took over my wedding instead.
I don’t know if $7,000.00 is enough to indicate a brief marriage, but we divorced 7 years later and we are now both remarried. Both of us had small weddings — ours was small because we wanted to spend the money on the honeymoon. We had about 20 people in attendance, we were married by our friend who got a license on the internet, and we held the ceremony near a public building that was important to us. I guess it was almost a flash-mob wedding, since my high-school daughter and her friends from orchestra played before the ceremony (standing up) and the guests stood as well. Our wedding cost us about $350.00, but I don’t think we would have spent tens of thousands even if it was there to be spent. It seemed unnecessary to us.
That said, have the wedding you want and can pay for in cash. No one is ever going to be as pleased with your wedding as you will be, so have things the way you want and don’t worry about others’ expectations.
I feel for you. My first wedding, in 1981 – same story. My mum even picked out my gown, tried it on herself (it looked good on her and was her style; 180 degrees from looking good on me or being what I had dreamed of!) and insisted on having that particular dress. I even went so far as to suggest that if she wanted a wedding her way, she and Daddy could have a vow renewal with all the works…instead of turning my wedding into the wedding SHE had always wanted. Oh, well. I was divorced three years later. Second marriage was at a quickie chapel and not what I wanted either, but was what the groom wanted. No friends, just his parents to witness. Needless to say, that marriage didn’t last long.
If I ever go for “third time is a charm”, it will be a ceremony the groom and I are in complete agreement upon, and the heck with worrying over expenses. The focus will be on family and long term family friends celebrating life with us and looking forward to a wonderful future together (even if we are already “senior” citizens!).
Okay, first off, as others have said, you’re not keeping your mouth shut. And you’re not being much of a friend as a result. I don’t get how you managed to get married for $200 – I’m in the UK and that would barely cover the cost of the marriage license and registrar.
I started reading some of the comments on here and I don’t like some of the inverted snobbery going on here. I don’t think it is anyone’s business what someone else spends on their wedding, and you never know how much money they really have, or how much they really spent. Like this comment from above: “I think that’s because the bigger the wedding, the more spoiled, self-centered, and materialistic the bride and therefore true love isn’t what she’s looking for.”
You cannot be serious! Who says “big” means “materialistic”? We are paying for almost all of our wedding ourselves, having cut down on a lot else to help save for it, and are having what you would probably class as a big wedding because we wanted to be able to invite our families and friends to celebrate with us. A lot of friends are bringing their kids. How does including the people we love and care for in our wedding, and their families, equate to being materialistic and self-centred?
There’s this weird competition going on in the comments about who had the cheapest wedding. It’s not actually a contest.
Plus, you can never tell. The inverted snobs would no doubt think my wedding was extravagant. You wouldn’t know that the fancy-looking venue is dry hire, so we put everything together ourselves and saved a fortune because we’re not paying bar set-up fees or corkage or anything and could shop around for a caterer. You wouldn’t realise that our bar staff, jazz band, DJ, videographer and wedding cake-maker are friends and relatives who offered their services for free. You wouldn’t guess that the reason we have two photographers is because they are friends of ours who got us together in the first place and have given us a gigantic discount that means we’re just about covering their expenses. You wouldn’t know that the professional-looking mini cupcake favours are being made by an old friend of mine as a wedding gift, or that the other favours are being made by one of my bridesmaids. You wouldn’t realise that our gorgeous bespoke stationery was designed by an illustrator/graphic artist friend as a wedding gift and she also got us a dirt-cheap deal on printing. You wouldn’t know that my fiance’s suit is only costing £40 to hire.
We are not getting into debt to pay for it. We are inviting the people we love, and their families, and ensuring our guests are well looked-after and have a nice time. I see a labour of love that loads of people close to us will have contributed to. If all you would see is something materialistic and self-centred, you may want to rethink your idea of what, and who, is materialistic.
I think for ME personally, a lot of the things people spend money on would be “bullcrap” – things like having tons of kids, having televisions bigger than their living rooms, having 4 bedroom homes for two adults, or buying cars for 25K that will be worth half of that within two years.
HOWEVER, I am not here to judge anyone else’s financial priorities. If a big home matters to you, great. If a new car is your must have item, that is no one’s concern but your own. Also, please spare me the sanctimony about bankruptcy. The vast majority of people who own some or all of the above have never nor will ever file bankruptcy. Most bankruptcy occurs because of medical expenses not covered by insurance.
I think there is a LOT of just plain jealousy bitching about the cost of other people’s weddings. It’s like snooty comments about the neighbor’s new pool house being “ostentatious” – yea right, people who say things like that just wish they could afford the same.
I totally agree to keep your mouth shut when other people discuss their finances, be it weddings or cars or houses or what have you.
But I can’t quite agree with this statement:
“they’ve thought things through and the idea of a big wedding and all that goes with it…is worth it.”
In my experience the majority of people don’t think these things through and that’s how they wind up in terrific debt. Instead of evaluating what’s really important to them, people often wind up doing what everybody around them did before or what their friends and relatives pressure them into or what magazines tell them they “have” to have.
It is a bunch of bullcrap to spend that much money for a wedding. We spent a little over $5,ooo for ours. We had a small simple church wedding. We have been married for 17 years in February. I took what money I had saved and put it on a house. We needed that more than one day of fun. This was the first and only wedding of my family at that time so no one really new what was proper or elabrate. We have always thought that it wasn’t that we had an expensive wedding, but what we made out of our wedding that counted.
(Discounting that $5000 17-years-ago is more like $15,000 today….) Who are YOU to decide spending more than $5000 for a wedding is “bullcrap”?? There are people who put value into having more than a “simple church wedding”. (BTW–sounds like you got RIPPED OFF. My elaborate church wedding — with a sit-down dinner reception/dance and open bar for 225 — only cost $6000, 13-years-ago).
My Hubby & I now have a combined income a little more than 6 figures. We donate to our chosen charities & our church (not just money–but our TIME), contribute to 401K/403B/other retirement plans, and have college funds set up for our two young kids that we put money into. When our daughter gets married, it is our dream to give her the wedding of HER dreams — whether that be a $50,000 church wedding/huge reception or an inexpensive beach wedding somewhere. And if some trailer-trash redneck tries to make my daughter feel like she’s not worth every penny, I’ll knock her freakin’ TOOTH out.
Oh, come on TLW… according to your statement that you only spent $6000 on a sit down dinner & open bar & dance for 225 people 13 years ago– do the math. That means you spent $26.66 per person for all of that– dinner, drinks, band, etc. Even 13 years ago, I don’t think so. If you’re going to make stuff up, at least make it believable.
Math Mom, nice going. TLW either you had a potluck or you’re leaving
something out.
As for the rest, the most beautiful two words in the English language:
E- Lope!
We had an extraordinary wedding in the Texas Hill Country for under $10,000 that included everything – stunning outdoor venue and gazebo, cakes, catering, tables, covered chairs, DJ, outdoor dance floor, bartender, even the minister, it was at Twelve Oaks B&B. They have all-inclusive wedding packages for inexpensive weddings. Our guests thought we had paid $30-40,000 for this wedding but it was all inclusive for about $8,000. Beautiful place next to a vineyard, covered with oak trees. If you are smart you can find these types of deals. Their website is hillcountryvenue.com
I think it’s very bad of you to think that a big wedding will inevitably put you in debt. I think there are people who can comfortably afford such a wedding and it’s their choice. And no, they don’t have to give that money to charity. They can choose to spend it however they like, since it’s their money and they worked hard for it.
Granted, there are a lot of people who cannot afford it without a loan but it also doesn’t mean it’s irresponsible. Maybe they know they can manage the payments. Or then again maybe they can’t, but that’s their choice and we have no saying in that.
A big wedding is fine, a small wedding is fine. You can have any kind of wedding, because it’s yours. But even if not all the comments are positive at least it’s the way you like it.
We are not gold coins, not everyone has to love us. But everyone who does loves us will support us no matter what size our wedding is. And they’ll be happy for us.
A small wedding it’s no sign of deep commitment, just like a large wedding it’s not either. We cannot foresee the result based on the amount of money put in the reception. And yes, a lot of people gets divorced these days but if we thought of that then we wouldn’t be getting married at all! I doubt there’s a single couple who walks down the aisle (cheap or expensive) that thinks: “I’ll get divorce in less than a year but who cares I ‘ll marry anyway because I want to and because I can. Who cares if he’s/she’s not the one?”
So stop putting people down. It’s really easy to judge but it doesn’t mean we have that right.
I personally had a medium size wedding and a very expensive honeymoon (and no I don’t consider myself an awful human being for it). And I didn’t expected anyone to foot the bill for me, just like I didn’t welcome any comments on my husband’s and my choice. We chose to spend our money that way and there was people who thought our wedding was small and didn’t really get why we cared more about the trip just as there were many people who totally supported our decision. But it was all the same to us because it was our wedding and not theirs. There was even a person who thought we needed a DJ (which we didn’t want, we wanted to put our own music and we spend many days selecting it) and she wanted to pay a DJ for us as her gift, but it wasn’t about money. Of course we could have afforded a DJ it was just that we didn’t want one. So as all in life it’s a matter of choice, and no one has a saying on how you spend your money.
My wedding cost $100 in 1980 had a court house wedding with just my parents in attendance (the marriage license, the small dinner afterwards). It occurs to me that if it only cost you $200 that someone else might have been footing the bill, maybe by volunteering services. My sister does this to save money–except she doesn’t count what everyone else has spent. My daughter expects to spend about $15,000 and I don’t care. She and her boyfriend have been together for 8 years and have a combined income of $120,000 a year, so it is up to them.
The most expensive item at our wedding was my $1200 wedding dress.
We got married at my parents’ Church, which didn’t cost us anything. Our friends helped with the Wedding cake, the reception, the entertainment, and my cousin (an excellent photographer 🙂 ) took the photos – which were taken at a park near the Church. I wish I could put the photos on here so you could see how beautiful they were – spring tulips, since it was the end of April and beautiful weather.
They knew that we didn’t have very much money to spend, and were happy to help us out nonetheless.
Someday, if we luck out and win the lottery (knock on wood) I would love to be able to have a big, expensive renewal of our vows, but if that never happens we won’t complain. Even after 11 years life is good 😀
Even though it didn’t cost anything to get married at the church, I hope that you donated something to thank them for the service they provided to you. I just christened my daughter at my husband’s church, and though they didn’t ask for anything, I gave them a check for $200 with our thanks for providing a lovely service. I felt it was the right thing to do.
People shouldn’t judge because everyone’s circumstances are different. Moral indignation about the way other people spend your money will give you high blood pressure and not help anything. No, I personally don’t believe in spending a lot of money on a wedding. I had a wedding instead of eloping because my mother and MIL staged a coup and demanded it. Planned and executed the wedding in 91 days for 50 ppl (smallest I could manage, I come from a HUGE family and if my dad had his druthers, it would’ve been a 500 person affair with a bill we’d STILL be paying). I spent around $13,000 on my wedding and I don’t regret a penny. My dad gave around $7,500,my mom $2,500 and I paid around $3,000. We could afford it and still travel and meet all of our expenses and savings goals; and, most importantly, it was the wedding that I wanted. I don’t regret it and I don’t care about the naysayers that say it was too expensive. Go suck on a lemon, it was OUR money, not yours. 🙂
Further, the only correlation between the amount of a wedding and divorce has to do with spousal communication and expectations. My husband and his family didn’t pay for a penny of the wedding, so there were no complaints. Further, my husband and I discussed our views of money before we even got engaged and I didn’t try to have more than what we could pay for–and still don’t. We don’t spend what we don’t have so we don’t have financial stressors. Period. Now, other things could cause the marriage to implode down the line, hopefully not, but without a major (read 180 degree) shift in our attitudes on communication and debt, it will not be money.
Ironic that the add that pops up on this page is for fancy wedding invites.
I’m not reading through a few hundred comments to see if this was brought up already, so…. I don’t care if you spend $30k-$100k on your wedding if YOU can afford it. Do NOT drop hints that you expect your “gift” from me to “cover my plate”!!!!!
People treat their weddings like their guests are investing in them, and THAT is what really pisses me off. I will give a gift out of my love for you and the goodness of my heart. If you throw a $100k wedding and expect me to cover my plate, well then I cannot come because I can’t afford your party.
Amen!
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