Thirty thousand dollars. I heard that figure and my jaw dropped. That’s the amount that a couple of my friends are spending on their upcoming wedding.
Every time I hear about some new detail of the plans for the wedding, there’s a little voice in my head that starts commenting on the bottom line. But here’s the thing — it’s not my wedding. I’m not going to say a word because my friends are adults and seem to be pretty pleased with what they’re getting for their money.
The High Cost of Weddings
The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S, so my friends aren’t so far off the norm. The number may be hard to wrap your head around if you’re used to thinking about things in terms of budgeting, saving money and all the other little things that go along with thinking hard about your personal finances, but it’s also not so uncommon when you think about the number of cultures in which families bring themselves to the edge of bankruptcy for weddings, dowries and other related expenses.
Personally, I don’t like those numbers but the simple fact of the matter is that I know I’m in the minority. My wedding cost just under $200 and I got exactly what I wanted (down to the perfect cake). While I have a hard time understanding the big numbers some people spend on weddings, many people have just as hard a time understanding how I could spend so little.
Nothing I can say or do will make my friends see things my way — and the reverse is just as true. And since they’re happy, the only result I can see from saying anything at all is putting my friendships in danger. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut.
High-Priced Weddings Aren’t Going Away
But I’m still thinking about the matter.
I’m thinking about why people so clearly prefer big weddings, even with the price tag. For a lot of people, I think it’s a matter of priorities: they’ve thought things through and the idea of a big wedding and all that goes with it (fun times with family, a great party and so on) is worth it. The experience of the perfect wedding is worth more than the alternatives of where they can spend that money.
At the end of the day, it’s a matter of personal choices, as it should be. If your financial priority is your wedding, that’s fine. You should be able to throw the rockingest party you can. The problems creep in when we think about the fact that not everyone manages their finances perfectly. Not everyone saves up money to pay for their wedding ahead of time or budget for what they can afford to spend. Some people choose to go pretty deep into debt in order to have the wedding of their dreams and wind up paying even more in interest, not to mention causing damage to their credit.
The idea of massive debt for one day of fun — charging an amount equivalent to at least a down payment on a house, if not most of the total cost — is what bothers me. I’m lucky enough that my friends aren’t in that boat, but even if they were, it seems like it’s not considered polite to even bring up wedding costs and talk about debts. It’s not a friend’s place to say anything. I can’t help but wonder if costs would be a little lower if friends talked about how they were able to save money on their celebrations or talk candidly about staying out of debt.
The current state of the economy seems to be bringing a few more of those discussions out into the open. But we’ve still got a ways to go. I’m certainly not interested in risking my friendships just to talk about money. I don’t think I’m the only one, either.
So, I wish my friends all the happiness in the world — a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage. I will be there for the happy day and I will gladly celebrate with them.
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The morality argument is a ridiculous one. The same could be said for any frivilous purchase that is pleasure-only. I bought $50 shoes at Macy’s last week. Should I have purchased $25 shoes and donated the rest to a homeless shelter? Perhaps. Or perhaps wore my old ones for another year? Judge not, lest ye be judged!
The wedding industry is a billion-dollar one, and I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to see that dissapear. Bakeries, Rental Halls, Caterers, Musicians, Wedding Planners, Florists etc. are fairly recession-proof businesses that cannot be outsourced overseas!!!
Only $30,000? Sounds cheap for a religious ceremony/party where hopefully all the people you love will be there.
P.S. My best wedding memory is of friends who got married in the sunken garden next to the Como Park Conservatory. They both worked with developmentally disabled adults, and brought one of their clients to the ceremony. She gave a toast to them for a “good wedding, good marriage, good life – and I hope it all works out!” It was cute! I’ll never forget that.
“The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S, so my friends aren’t so far off the norm.”
The norm would be indicated by the median amount spent, not the average amount spent. An “average” doesn’t mean anything if there are a few brides spending $1,000,000.00 on their weddings while many are spending $10,000.00
You probably are not in “the minority.” What is the median (the amount range spent by the most amount of people)?
30K wedding is pretty average, we have ours few years ago, the cost of food and restaurant alone is almost $14K, we did most of decorating/flower/cake by ourselves and yet the total run near 20K, however for Asian, we always break even with the restaurant/food cost as guests gave ,pmeu instead of gifts which is always best for the couple.
My daughter and her fiance both wanted a special wedding. The cost was going to be way more than my wife and I could afford. The kids were both well aware we could not throw them the wedding they wanted. We donated what we had saved for their wedding (we have the same amount put away for our other daughter’s wedding) and his parents gave a similar amount. The two kids worked extra hours, budgeted, added this, took off that, changed this other until they had the wedding they wanted, at a price they could afford.
The limo company spelled his name wrong on the card alerting them to which limo (they got into the correct limo anyway) and the tux company had the wrong cufflinks. Everything else went according to plan and they now have a wonderful memory of their wedding day, they way they wanted it, paid for prior to the wedding.
Rich people who look down at poor people for not being able to afford the same excesses are despicable. Poor people who berate rich people for doing as they wish with their own money are equally despicable. People should just learn not be be such interfering busybodies. Both the rich and the poor can have fun in their own ways and for one to purport to be on a higher moral ground and to degrade the private actions of others (especially people they claim to be friends with) should just learn to mind their own business.
Marriage and love are special, and should be celebrated in a special way. My parents wanted to show the world how important I was to them and how happy they were to meet my future husband. They wanted to treat everyone to a beautiful, magical night of music and dancing, food and wine. That costs money, but it was a dream wedding. Everyone said I looked beautiful. Everyone congratulated my parents and husband. They literally beamed. And I was happy we all spent money. It’s no sin to spend money on truely special occasions, on the people who love you and you deeply love. Every guest there was worth every penny we spent! We have no regrets, and we have spectacular memories. Some of you may get on your high horse about spending too much on wedding, but maybe you are wrong. Maybe a wedding is special, maybe your guests are worth the time and attention and maybe you are throwing out the baby with the bathwater… cheapening your wedding at the expense of some truely amazing memories and a chance, a real chance to show people how much they mean to you. I am not saying spend more than you have, but I am saying… spend what you have, be generous. It won’t hurt.
My wedding cost under $800. My dress was gorgeous and I got it for $100. It looked every bit of $2500+ dress. I can send a pic to prove if you like. I made my own invitations (thanks to desktop publisher), made my own table decorations (thanks to very talented girlfriends) and had it catered by a woman and her daughter who worked at the same company I did. They did catering jobs on the side. Another friend decorated my banquet hall (rented it at the YMCA)…yep they have nice rooms in the back you can rent! Had a blast.
I had my wedding in SE Europe-with plane and everything(including our wedding attire,head to toe) It was about 5k! 🙂 I didn’t buy the most expensive dress and my husband didn’t spend much on a suit,and actually he gets to keep it because they don’t have rentals there,so he can use it over and over again. It took us a year of planning and just saved and made some sacrifices.
American weddings are WAY commercialized and it sucks because they always want a downpayment for everything that is non-refundable. It’s all about showing off here.
My wedding was around the same amount of $, maybe more I lost track. It was worth every penny and all the hard work. My point is that me and my husband of three years now paid for everything out of our pocket and did not ask for any one for anything other than for bridesmaid’s dresses and tuxedo rentals. Even then I paid for part of the bridesmaids dresses because I picked out expensive ones and I did not tell them. I already felt bad for having them pay for dresses that they would not use again. I spent at least a year saving every penny and working extra hours. My wedding was a pretty large wedding and I did splurge on some things that I know were no necessary like chocolate fountain, ice sculptures, limos, and the whole works. It was what I wanted, it was perfect. I spent whatever I could pay for and could afford. People still till this day asks how much it all was and I think it’s rude, I never respond. It is also rude to assume that we were in debt because of our wedding. I could have picked a $10,000 dress but I didn’t I picked a $2,500 because that was closer to my budget. I didn’t want a used one, and that’s my choice. I chose steak instead of chicken, and paid top shelf bar instead of cash… why because it was MY wedding and my money I was spending. So as long as I did not ask you for money then you should have no opinion about my finances and how I choose to spend my paycheck.
I just hope that everyone that came to my wedding enjoyed it as much as I did. The amount of money spent on a wedding does not define how long a marriage will last or how much the bride and groom love each other.
$200 wedding!?!? Who are you kidding? Did you borrow the dress, bake the cake yourself, and hold a pot-luck dinner. – My cake alone was $1,200.00
Were your wedding rings the same thing that I use to hold my keys?
No offense, but if you can’t afford to save a little for what should be a once in a lifetime event, your either really to young to get married, or your rushing into something way too quickly, or just plain out cheap.
I plan on having what some here might call an expensive wedding—somewhere in the neighborhood of $35,000 and frankly I don’t feel one bit guilty about it. First off, this my me and my husband-to-be’s day where we are committing to being together as husband and wife, and we want all of friends and family to be there and share that. We want this day to be special because it represents a beginning of a journey that WE have chosen for ourselves, and so we want to chose the setting for where that journey should begin—and that costs money. Yeah, we could be married in someone’s back yard but that would not be representive of us as a couple. We want a beachfront wedding and garden reception, because that represents who we are—nature lovers, relaxed, and fun loving who met on a beach and were engaged in a local botanical gardan. A good portion of our budget is going toward catering, because neither of us can imagine not having a proper dinner. We both come from families that are both very tight-knit who see family meals as sacrosanct. And no, I don’t think it is reasonable for any of my wedding party to help out by cooking aspects of the meal. Instead I want them to enjoy themselves with us. And since we both work and quite honestly, do not have the time to handle all the aspects of wedding planning, the 3500 we are spending on a wedding planner is freakin’ priceless.
Do I think people should put themselves in serious debt for wedding? No, I don’t think so. I also don’t think that every waking moment of someone’s life should be practical and socially conscious. Life should be filled with whimsical special moments, cause because Lord knows its filled with enough hard ones. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, and so is money. The saying that money can’t buy you happiness is true, but it can buy you moments of joy, and the hubby to be and I are paying 35,000 to create this moment of joy for our friends and family. We are not bankrupting ourselves and we figure the joyful memories are going to be worth it.
It will be! Believe me. Weddings done with such good intent and love are magical no matter what the price-tag is! And frankly money does buy some seriously yummy food, alcohol and a pretty environment! LOL
Years ago I became ordained for the express purpose of being able to perform a wedding for a close friend. Since then I’ve helped family members, friends, and friends of friends save on that cost of a wedding. If you have a flexible enough wedding party – a wedding in an outdoor space like a scenic park gazebo or fountain (or here in Minneapolis, the sculpture garden) and a cheap or free officiant can seriously cut your costs. And it hasn’t seemed to affect the quality of the later relationships. 🙂
I find it amazing that of all the comments I read – there is very little mention of family….. My daughter is planning her wedding, and while it is not ‘lavish’ it will certainly be well over 20,000 – HOWEVER – I have a large family, the groom’s family is large – and we are spread out across the country. We have literally become a ‘funeral and wedding’ family. This wedding a way to bring the whole family together again, maybe the only time for who knows how many years?
I the bride/groom and/or families can afford it (or if that is how they choose to prioritise their money) then why does anyone have a right to comment?
To the author of this article – Are you friends asking to borrow your money to pay for their wedding ? If not, then maybe you should practice a little MYOB….
I think the judgmental factor in some of these posts is downright mind boggling. Sorry- my wedding is was not “just a party” – it was my total commitment to another human being. That commitment would have been as solid as if the wedding had cost $8.00 or $98,000.00. There is NO end to the places you can judging someone elses spending habits, priorities, whatever.
Personally, I think WAY to many people who know better spend money on having kids they cannot really afford but I do not go on diatribes against them, it is their choice and right as long as they support the kids in some fashion or another.
We did not go into debt for our 18K, eleven guest wedding and we enjoyed every second of it, as did our guests.
“Personally, I think WAY to many people who know better spend money on having kids they cannot really afford but I do not go on diatribes against them, it is their choice and right as long as they support the kids in some fashion or another.”
Unfortunately the don’t (support the kids)!! I pay thousands of $$ a year in school taxes. Over a million if you add it up over the last 40 years and I have never had kids. Yet those that have four, five and six kids don’t pay a dime more then I do…………….. talk about unfair.
Spend your own money anyway you want….. just don’t expect me to pay for “extras” because you can’t afford them; whether it be your wedding, or your kids. If your school can’t afford a soccer team, why raise my taxes? Pay for it yourself.
@Amber – you are treading into dangerous territory here. I’m sorry you do not feel your money is validated by supporting the schools in your community etc. I amagine many people who do not drive resent supporting the roadways being maintened either. However, I hope you remember, these young people we are educating today – are the workers of tomorrow who will pay your social security, and lead your communities and make the laws in this country.
And if we have a ‘I couldn’t afford my wedding tax’, I must luckily live in a state and county that does not have that tax : )
BTW – your post sounded distinctly like a diatribe….
I listened to a conversation recently in which one person was bit-, uh, complaining, about school taxes since he didn’t have any kids. The other person pointed out that schools aren’t about “indulging” children but about preparing future generations to be everything from police offices, doctors, pilots, cashiers, technicians, etc., etc. And also to be educated citizens. I had to agree that it seems strange that people who are childless seem to think that ALL the costs of educating those who will be providing them with goods, services, medical care, etc., in the future should be borne by those who have children while they, the childless, have no responsibility toward that future. And, gee, Amber, if you’ve paid around a million in school taxes over 40 years–that’s an average of $25,000 a year–you must be doing quite well for yourself in any case. What portion of your total income was the $25,000? And then you want to take advantage of the people who had children, paid all the expenses of raising them, also paid taxes for their education (and the education of other people’s children), probably paid money for other aspects of their education. Many parents also spend lots of time (which you certainly didn’t have to do) and even more money providing for their children so that they will grow up to be well-rounded, competent people and citizens. One really, really must wonder just who it is that is being taken advantage of here. (P-s-s-t, I don’t think it’s you, Amber.)
P. S. Amber – I’m childless, too.
$1,000,000 in school taxes. Hmmm. Shall I tell the IRS your claims? I live in Silicon Valley where I assure you, it’s very expensive, and there is no way even Steven Jobs paid that amount in school taxes. Besides, even though I did have 3 kids spread far apart, they were only in the school system from 1983 till 2009, a total of 26 years. The average parent breeds them closer together (sorry to be a drain on the medical industry too) and their children are in school for far less than 20 years. So, do we get discounts for the 20 years when we were paying for their college?
I had the cheap wedding I could afford. Anything fancier would have embarrassed my mother, who never even had a wedding dress. She felt bad enough. My fiancee was earning $312 a month. But you know what? On our 25th, he bought me a 1 carat diamond engagement ring. Maybe for our 40th,we’ll throw ourselves a big wedding. $2,000 should do it. I can do the cooking and the reception will be in the back yard but I’d spend money on fresh landscaping and a new dress and a tux and wine. Maybe this time I’ll have my nails and my hair done or indulge in a spa day for two. That’s assuming we know anyone to invite in 3 years because when you’re poor, “friends” disappear. Which reminds me of the point: $30,000 weddings are unwise in this economy.
I agree that what a person spends on their wedding is their own business. The problem is when we as a society believe we must have a big, extravagant wedding to the detriment of other areas of our lives, e.g. healthcare, and then expect the government to provide those needs. Don’t buy Jimmy Choo shoes if you are not sure where grocery money will come from next month.
I’ve always thought “big” weddings were a total waste and stupid. It seems each bride wants to out-do her friends. It’s the “all about me” syndrome and how lavish and how much the center of attention they can become. I’ve known brides that could care less that their parents couldn’t afford to spend $20,000 on a wedding who were barely making it by. But she thought she was “owed” it that it was her parent’s responsibility to spend that money on her.
I understand getting married is a big deal. But you’re not being crowned the Queen of England, you’re not Miss American so get over yourselves already. I saw someone comments that the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage lasts. I think that’s because the bigger the wedding, the more spoiled, self-centered , and materialistic the bride and therefore true love isn’t what she’s looking for.
The wedding costs are a drop in the bucket compared to the costs of raising kids. $30K may seem excessive but the costs of raising a child will dwarf that cost. If all we are worried about is the impact of costs on a marriage, the best suggestion might be to spend the money on the wedding but never have kids. Have you looked at the price of a new car lately – $30K doesn’t buy much! Weddings aren’t just a party, they are a celebration of the union of two people. Most people who make the comments that the cost is not worth it are making these comments looking back. However, for two people madly in love, this is a very special time.
This may be a repeat, but I think the most pressing issue about the high cost weddings is that sometimes more emphasis is placed on extravagant ceremonies and parties and not the actual marriage.
The title of your post is “My Friends are Spending $30K on Their Wedding — And I’m Keeping My Mouth Shut”
Well you didn’t really did you? You may not have told them face to face instead you opted to tell millions of strangers. What a great opportunistic “friend” you are.
I was just thinking that – her ‘friends’ must not know about her ultra secret undercover hard hitting journalism!
Me and my wife got married last 6 yrs ago for less than $5.00 yes less than five dollars and we are still happy as ever. My point is, you don’t need to pay a lot for a wedding.. instead of spending it just for the wedding you can save it for future use. a cheap wedding will not make it less romantic. The important part is that you two got married and happily without debts and worries of financial shortage.
I was at a friend’s wedding in forest meadow in woods in West Virginia. 300 people, service underway, bridesmaids all standing near the couple, near minister, suddenly, out of the woods silently walks a big black bear. Seriously, and everyone was shocked, the bear walked up between the bridesmaids and the couple, next to the minister. The bridesmaids were about to wet their pants, everyone was scared, the minister said, well thank you Bear, for coming to our wedding. Everyone be calm, and ministered the vows: do you take this man to be your husband, i do she said, and everyone started crying. The bear slowly stood up, and then walked back into the woods and we were all left wondering about the miracle that just happened. 300 people gathered freely in a forest meadow, witnessing a vow and a family born and out of the forest a big matriarch came to bless our wedding, attending. The wedding didn’t cost too much, the spirit was definitely beyond precious. Thankful memories for rest of life too.
Having officiated a number of outdoor weddings myself, I have to give the all time award to that minister – to not panic, let alone work it into the script and keep those around him/her calm, that is awesome.
What matters about the wedding is not the time or money; but that the marriage is for the right reasons & the couple is truly happy. Spending lots of money doesn’t impress me, but showing me that you care will last.
I also have to add that I think our guests really appreciated the top shelf booze, the excellent food, and the comfort of their paid-for hotel rooms at the Bellegio. It was not just for us, it was for them as well and we were very blessed to be able to provide those things.
Last year, we spent about 18K on a destination wedding for ourselves and a handful of guests. We were married at Red Rock Canyon in Nevada, had our reception at the Prime at Bellagio, stayed in a lavish Bellagio suite and had a welcome dinner the night before the wedding for our guests there via in-room catering service. My dress was 500 bucks.
No, we did not go into any debt for the wedding. Yes, we could have done something smaller and more simple. No, we are not ordinarily big spenders. In fact my husband is usually known as something of a tightwad. It was our wedding day, and if people want to judge it they are entitled to their opinions, but frankly I don’t give a rip and I doubt anyone else much does, either.
You could go on and on and on about terrible people who file bankruptcy for their various extravagances, or who are going into debt for this or that, or who in our case could have spent all that money on good causes. Not just for weddings, but for people who go to Jamaica of Hawaii, wear expensive clothes, whatever. I think it is silly to judge and I support everyone’s wedding choices-be they backyard BBQ’s or multi-day extravaganzas. It is so personal and I am not hear to tell anyone what they can or cannot afford or judge their financial priorities.
Where do you live that $30k gets you most of the price of a house? I live in a 1400 sq. foot 120-year old house where $50k barely met the 20% down payment requirement for my mortgage… likewise, my wedding cost about $25k but that is what it cost to feed 150 people (well over half of which were family)as well as have a few extras my mom insisted on that I’d have cut back to save a $1000 or so. Our lives revolve around family – both the family we are born into and the family we choose, and to celebrate our marriage with those people was so important to us.
That said, I would NEVER advocate going into debt for a wedding. We’d have had just as many guests, only at a firehouse instead, if our budget had been more constrained.
In my area of the country, people often spend way way more than this — I suspect that 60-100K is pretty normal. And I think this is a topic for which there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer that will work in every situation. But here are some points that I think need to be balanced out with each other:
– A wedding should be a commitment and a celebration, and most people feel that it is appropriate to share the day with family and friends. Some don’t.
– Everyone has different values and puts a different importance on what is worth spending money on.
– Regardless of the absolute cost of the wedding, it seems to me to be a mistake to overspend what you can afford. So for some couples $5,000 might be ‘too much’, while for others, $500,000 might be affordable.
– One point that I think got lost in some of the above posts is that many people feel compelled to spend more than they can afford, because they see people around them having hugely expensive weddings. Some of the creative ideas that people suggested could really help someone caught in this squeeze. Women in my neighborhood really don’t even grasp that there are ways of doing this cheaper, rather than having a huge bash at an expensive catering hall. I’m not saying it is wrong to do so if you want it and can afford it, but if you can’t afford it, there are other options.
– I don’t think that either a big or a small wedding is inherently better for the longevity of a marriage, but starting married life in debt has to be a big stress.
– As a guest at a wedding, I am there to celebrate with the bride and groom, and wish them well. I’ve attended everything from pot-luck dinner weddings, to elaborate events where butlers carried sterling silver trays with caviar to 300 guests. Why should all weddings look the same? I’ve been to tacky weddings (but I guarantee you that no one would ever have had a clue that I thought it was tacky, and I found something to compliment, and was happy to be able to share the day with my dear friend. ) I’ve been to elegant weddings (and couldn’t help but wonder how much it cost, but appreciated the exquisite floral arrangements, and luscious food). If the bride and groom are happy with the style and cost of their wedding, I’m happy for them.
You are sweet and I agree. I have been to a lot of wedding and the most beautiful thing about them is the love the couple had for each other and showed to us, the guests. I had a blast at each one! Each had it’s own flavor and beauty. I wouldn’t call a single wedding tacky. Even the least expensive of the wedding I went to was spectacular! She had fewer guests and a more amazing location. It was perfection.
My wife and I enjoy a very pleasent income, but I spent only a few hundred dollars to have a close, family wedding at a courthouse in Germany. We popped the bottle right in the courtyard on the way out in the middle of the day. We did not need to spend an enormous amount of money to show we were commited to one another; we do that by spending time together always.
Now, we are debt free and still enjoy a newly-wed marriage, years later.
To answer a previous poster on the subject of spending less for a wedding equal to giving a spouse the shaft: I still give her the shaft every day.
Maybe people should start doing more to make their lady feel desired, rather than throwing a wallet (or loan) at them to give them one special day and nothing quality afterwards. And, if your woman feels they need to have an expensive wedding to compensate for the relationship, they still have a lot to learn about longevity, life, and love.
such interesting, passionate comments on this article.
we spent about $30K on our wedding after giving it a lot of thought. the deciding factor for us was that the last four times our family had gotten together was for funerals. 🙁 my dad and his three brothers all died within 5 years of eachother. we wanted to have a big, joyful celebration after all that sadness and loss.
Today is my 30th anniversary. I clicked on this article because I have to give a toast for a friend of my wife next month and marriage and weddings are on my mind.
Probably the most sensible way to look at the cost of a wedding is to budget it proportionally to your available money. If that money can be supplemented by gifts (in Japan they give money, depending on your age and station, it ranges from $350 – $1000), family, etc.
My wedding was modest (we were still students) but my wife’s friend will be in the $30,000 range, give or take a few thousand, but she is 37 and her fiance is 40 and they are professionals, so it works.
Context, proportion — keep it balanced. If you’re a millionaire, you probably should spend a bit more than if you’re on welfare.
I spend $200 getting my big toe drunk. Spending money on a marriage does not lead to divorce, blank loveless confessions of unity does. Being a shrill penny pincher when might save interest payments but you will forever be known as those assholes who have shitty parties and force your guests to buy you gifts, miss work, and stay in hotels, only to have to pay for dinner watch your tattered dress drape across your ugly ass all night. Sack up and have a good time. In essence: You are all a bunch of penny pinching, hippy, weirdos. Live a little.
The cost of the wedding is usually in inverse proportion to the length of the marriage.
If people can afford big weddings, fine. And yes, it is nice that others (photographers, caterers, DJs, drivers, bridal shops, florists) benefit from weddings. Marriage is a wonderful institution (and one that I’ve been committed to for some time, LOL.)
However, over the last decade or two, it seems as though there is a “bridal military complex” out there, given the number of magazines/websites/TV shows dedicated to getting married. Regardless of circumstances, it seems that a large-scale production wedding is the rule, not the exception. I remember when couples would announce their engagement, and usually have a wedding within the year, or two (depending on circumstances). Not anymore — engaged couples now have “save the date” announcements for their pending nuptials, never mind just a wedding announcement itself. What would be a one-day affair becomes a massive weekend of events upon events. (Granted, I realize this is true for people who live out of town, but it seems to be more the norm these days.) Bridal couture has become more lavish, as is the need to have at least 10 attendants, not including maid of honor/best man, along with ringbearer/flower girl. No wonder the price tag for weddings is so hefty. (I also work at a catering hall part-time, and have observed, with amusement, the big-scale production which go into the weddings at which I work. I’m grateful for the work, but wonder if the couple even gets to enjoy their day?)
Sometimes I think there are women out there who live for nothing but the wedding itself, as if this is the most important day in her life to be the center of attention, fulfilling some long-held wish to be a queen for a day. Unfortunately, when they realize what being (vs. getting) married is all about, reality rears its ugly head. I’m sure any bride to be who professes to doing things differently is either scorned or thought to be a cheapskate. I find that the more lavish the wedding, the sooner the divorce.
As for me: I had a nice, if somewhat simplified wedding (small guest list; dress under $1K; no limos; no bridal party except for matron of honor/best man; good food, but at lunchtime, with no extras like cocktail hour/Viennese table; DJ vs. band; photographer but no videographer; no overpriced/useless favors) about 18 years ago and guess what? My husband and I are still married. We pretty much paid for it ourselves (I believe we spent about $10K), although we were generously gifted by our respective families, including a honeymoon, which was a help.
I wanted to be “married” (emphasis on status) – not wedded (emphasis on event). We would have been fine with a civil ceremony, but both siblings had eloped and my dad was heartbroken at the idea of not walking any child down an aisle. So we agreed to a wedding. When Dad’s list of “critical guests” exceeded 260 people, Mom and I executed an intervention.
Solution – destination wedding to Las Vegas in a small chapel with only 77 seats. $500 dress from David’s Bridal (which I’ve worn two other times). No liquor (argued with Dad on this. I won. If guests need alcohol at 11 am, then go to a casino. They’re here to celebrate my marriage – not get drunk). The ONLY people who came were those who cared enough to spend the money. NO GIFTS – just your presence is what we asked.
THEN as a surprise and gesture of our gratitude, we paid for 1 night hotel for everyone who came overnight (some lived within driving distance and didn’t stay).
Total cost was still under $5000 for the entire 3 day event – for ALL of our guests. Honeymoon? Cashed in ALL of our American Express points – 5 day trip to Florida, airfare, convertible car rental for the duration, hotel, cost us $267 total.
That was a decade ago. We’re still married. Used the rest of what we would have spent on a down payment for our first home.
Looking back…I hardly remember the flowers, the setting, anything except the expression of joy and love on my Dad’s, Mom’s and new husband’s faces. Priceless.
I agree people shouldn’t be judged. For me it’s not a problem when someone spends that much money for a wedding if they have the money. If you don’t have the money and you have to borrow them to have the dream wedding, well I believe the decision is not very rational.
It’s got to suck to be poor and have to worry about such things.
Let them eat cake.
It sucks to be poor. During 37+ years of marriage, I’ve had 6 figures to budget with and, recently, 4 figures. I’ve flown first class and I’ve lived in married student housing. Sometimes, I think what our kids miss the most is having to do without. Right now, my husband and I can’t even afford McDonald’s or insurance, or the prescriptions we need. Our children, who are the same age we were when we married, don’t have time to call or write. Luckily, 2 out of 3 of them haven’t blocked us on Facebook so we can keep up with what they’re doing. We even see pictures of the meals they eat out, the vacations they have, the cars they’ve bought, and their occasional reminders that if we really want money for heart medication, we should stop fighting foreclosure and get a nice 1 bedroom apartment. We still get complaints that we never had enough saved for premium colleges for them. Weddings? Too bad kids. We had to eat at least once a day. So if some people are critical, maybe they’re parents.
I think keeping your mouth shut about it a very wise decision. (If you actually had kept your mouth shut because posting it on the web is anything but.) I kept my mouth shut on our $40,000 wedding as well, mainly because we didnt have to py for it ourselves, but I could think of much better things to do with that $40,000. A $9,000 wedding with a $40,000 honey moon would have been much better than the other way around.
But the fact is anything special usually cost money, and lots of it. We rented a castle on a lake in Switzerland, had 55 guests and the wedding lasted 3 days. And from the feedback I got, her parents thought it was money very well spent–then again it did not drive them anywhere near bancrupcy or even cashing out on a monthly salary. Point being: If you can have a blast for $1,000 or for nothing, enjoy it and laugh at the fools spending 10x, 20x, or 100x that much.
In my tirade, I forgot to say CONGRATS, KASSIE on your upcoming wedding…. I’d love to hear details. 🙂
WOW, Freddy– and you’re a cheap, judgemental, shallow bitch. Your spouse must either be an idiot or so freakin’ ugly, nobody would want him/her/it. You have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that being a 40-year-old high-school drop-out living in mommy’s basement only makes you bitter & jealous of those of us who have worked hard to have the good things in life (including $30,000+ weddings — IF we so choose.)
Huge lesson here: stay in school kids, so you don’t end up being a Freddy.
No one should judge anyone on how much they are spending on their wedding, if its what the bride and groom chose to do then so be it you should be happy for them. I feel if you have a comment about how much they are spending keep it to yourself. No one asked you for your thought or opinion and if they did then that is great but if not please keep it to yourself. Whether a wedding cost $200 or $500,000 if they can afford it whether that be by cash or credit you should support their decision.
I am going to be married in September, we spent about $50,000 on our wedding. My fiance and I have been to so many run of the mill boring weddings, that were in gloomy hotel ballrooms and ugly churches. We knew from the start we wanted something totally different and lavish. So we started a wedding savings account and when we did get engaged we only had to pitch in about $2,000 more than what we saved for. So it was nice to know that are normal income was not affected and we didn’t put anything on credit cards. I would not change my mind at all for spending that much because that is what they wanted. Leave your opinions on my doorstep because they are not wanted.
Anybody who spends that kind of money on a wedding is an idiot. Let’s face it, weddings are nothing more than glorified parties. The wedding is not important at all. It is the marriage that should be the focus. If you need to spend that kind of money on a wedding, you are a stupid shallow b.tch. Have fun with all that debt; as it will cause arguments that leads to your divorce.
And there’s something wrong with have a “glorified” party to celebrate your marriage?
Greater than 50% chance that the expense will be for not….
Weddings are all about tradition, but there are non-traditional ways to get those memories that won’t rack up a $30,000 bill, even if you go the lavish route.
Our daughter’s summer wedding and reception (In an historic New England brick church and overlooking a lake, respectively) cost under 6,000. That was with 80 guests. Still, if these kids want to spend a fortune, it’s their business.
It’s not wrong to spend money to celebrate your wedding, and a big, expensive blowout doesn’t mean your marriage is certain to fail. But conflict about money is up there in the top three causes of divorce–so going crazy on either the groom’s or the bride’s part: things like not having an overall plan and budget based on what you can afford, getting carried away thinking “this is my one perfect day/day all about me”, taking revenge on partner for overspending/bad choice by overspending–are things that show bad money habits or emotional spending that might be good to talk together about, or talk with a premarital counsellor about, since this is one of their most common and most productive topics. Unless a big wedding is a traditional cultural family thing, I would ask myself “what is the most important part of the celebration for my spouse (and family) and me” because it’s rare that anyone has any room to go into debt for a party.
There is NO statistical evidence that an expensive wedding is more likely to end in a broken marriage than a cheap wedding. NONE.
All of the anecdotal evidence — “my wedding only cost 25 cents because I found $20 on the courthouse floor, so the license was free and all I had to pay was the quarter for the parking meter” is nothing more than anecdotes.
If we want to play that game — if you combine our wedding with our siblings from the 1980s, there were a total of four weddings of differing prices — $10K, $5K, $1.5K and $500. Three of the marriages are still together 25+ years later and one ended in divorce. The one that ended in divorce? The $500 wedding. So if you went by personal anecdotal evidence, I would be able to say that cheap weddings are more likely to end in divorce.
So what it boils down to is doing what is right for YOU and stop making nasty judgments about others doing what is right for them. It’s not a competition to see who spends the most or least. Spending a lot of money or spending next to nothing will not “win” you anything. You “win” by having the wedding YOU want. We all win when we allow others to have the same freedom to make their own choices.
They spent $30K on their wedding and so what? It is their business and not everyone elses.
One of my best friends (‘Annie’) got married a few months before my husband and I, and it taught us a big lesson: Do NOT expect anyone to pay for your wedding.
Annie’s mother come’s from ‘old money’ and insisted that the wedding be a big affair. There were 400 guests, a top shelf liquor cocktail hour, filet mignon dinner, a cake made by a famous pastry chef, the list goes on and on.
Was it a beautiful wedding? YES. And it cost about 100K, which my friend’s mother promised to cover.
Unfortunately, her mother became furious because Annie invited her father at the last minute. Her parents have been divorced for many years and her mother absolutely hates her father. As soon as Annie got back from her honeymoon, her mother presented her with a stack of wedding bills she was now refusing to pay and demands to re-pay what money mother had already put out. Annie and her husband are still working their way out of a mountain of debt.
Seeing this disaster was more then enough for my husband and I to pay out of our own pockets, and only what we could comfortably afford, for our own wedding a few months later.
Everything included it was just under 2K. Was it grand? No, but it was a nice day, and we didn’t owe anyone a dime the day after.
Its also the reason why at least some of the churches are for Gay marriage, because they will make more money doing it.
Your comment makes no sense since a church doesn’t profit from weddings, their fee barely covers the expense. And I know my church (Episcopal) supports gay marriage because we feel its a civil right. Money has nothing to do with it.
Incredible – have we lost the common grace to allow one another the chance to celebrate?
Mysti– if a bride is ungrateful for whatever amount her parents are able or choose to contribute to her wedding, then I would guess the parents are significantly responsible for raising a spoiled, entitled little brat, aren’t they? 😉
And I agree, Guest, that expensive weddings have no correlation to the likelihood of divorce. In fact, it could be argued that couples who don’t think the celebration of their marriage is an occasion worth spending money on must not be too invested in their relationship at all. As someone who spent far less than the ‘national average’ on my own wedding, I obviously don’t believe this. But it makes just as much sense—and is as relevant—as the opposite argument.
I couldn’t agree with you more. 🙂
I don’t see why a lot of commenters on this board seem to think that an expensive wedding increases the likelihood of divorce. I concede that if an expensive wedding creates years of financial hardship for the couple, it could be a problem. But – we cannot conclude that an expensive wedding created a hardship (without more particulars). There are lots of people out there who can afford a lavish wedding – unfair as you might think it is. Getting married cheaply doesn’t increase your chances of staying married longer.
I don’t care how much a couple spends on a wedding with one exception and this is a killer that can tear apart families.
If it is expected that (per tradition) the parents of the bride are to pay for the wedding, then the bride must accept the budget given, and with grace. If she wants to spend more than it’s up to her to pay the difference. A huge wedding paid for by one’s parents is not an entitlement.
Hmmm, sounds about right. Mine was $25,000 in 1993.
I am still married (to the same guy) for 18 years now 🙂
$30k? Damn, I wish I could have a $30k wedding. Mine gots $60k in San Francisco, which is below average.
$30k is nothing.
This is really long and turned into an accounting of my destination wedding and 220 person reception. At first 30K does seem like a TON. But then I thought about my own wedding. We both have a lot of family and friends. I should preface this with the fact that I was 23, had worked with a wedding photographer for 2 years, had worked in the floral industry, and wasn’t the “dream wedding” kind of girl. Our families have different religious backgrounds and we are not practicing anything, so a church would have been fake. And honestly, I wanted the attendance for the ceremony to be small. I feel like it is a private matter best shared with those who really love you and will be important to your marriage. But its OH SO TACKY to invite people to a reception and not the wedding. Even if it is easier for everyone. We live in NW Ohio, an outdoor wedding without a nearby backup venue is a horrible idea. (Those places are expensive – but they have to have two separate locations prepared.) We had a destination wedding in Vegas which cost us about $2,400, including $500 for the ceremony, and $400 for a small picture package at the Excalibur. We were not gamblers, so Vegas was actually cheap for the attached honeymoon. Sprung for a show. Didn’t pay for anyone to come, but about 20 people did. We did make sure the key family members were willing to go before making it official. We were married on my grandparents 50th anniversary, which was a Thursday in October, so Vegas was even more fitting. I asked my best friend if she could come, and told her to find a long dress in a dark color. I bought her matching jewelry as a thank you gift for $50.
I made the invitations myself. I ordered postcards from Excalibur and printed stickers with the announcement and invitation to our actual wedding in Vegas, sent them with plenty of time for people to come. Then I found a printing package for invitations I liked and printed, folded, stuffed, stamped and addressed them all with the help of my sweet maid of honor and mom. Same deal for the bridal shower and thank you notes. About $400 total, including postage (so much postage). The paper was nice, I used multiple envelopes and vellum and ribbons… ugh. I NEVER heard anything about the invitations being crappy.
We had a reception at a Knights of Columbus hall a couple of weeks later when we got home, played the video on their bingo monitors. The hall, set up, with chairs and plain white tablecloths was $2,000. I found a simple cake at a shop, it was about $400. A good friend offered to make it for me, I asked her to cut the one we ordered instead. Two flavors and no fountains or fondant. People liked eating it even if it wasn’t a main photo attraction. I had everything catered, chicken, kielbasa, salad, 2 veggies & potatoes for $2,300. (Looking back, it was a heck of a deal). I would NEVER let someone who loves me enough to offer, to spend all day on the day of my wedding to cook for 200 people. And if they did, you better pay for the costs of the food. Do you want your favorite aunt to be worrying about if the food is completely cooked? Do you want her wearing an apron in all the pictures with a greasy face and messed up hair??? Or is she one of the people that the ceremony is meant to honor, for her love of you and help through your life. Don’t take advantage of the people who love you. Don’t let them have a reason to start your new life with resentment. If people actually want to make things, appetizers are expensive to cater, but would easy to throw in a big tray and cook in advance. They are also what seems to bump a wedding to a different level. We had chips & pretzels out at the bar 😉 Really, the thing to let people cook for is the bridal shower.
We bought flowers at a cheap local florist and picked them up. I had a second bouquet, boutonnieres and corsages for the important people, an arrangement representing our deceased relatives, a centerpiece for the main table and hair things for a couple of important young ladies. That was $150. I told them what colors I liked, asked for some roses, my corsage to have a gardenia and wanted the rest to be whatever was in season. My parents paid for the booze, which was about $1200, including the bartender who liked us so much he stayed an extra hour. (People must have had a good enough time to tip him). A friend of the family charged us $250 for his four piece band to play for a couple of hours. Which was a great deal, I invited the guys to bring their wives and made a cd so they could have dinner with everyone. A couple of friends made us dance CD’s for when they left. The photographer I worked for didn’t charge me. My aunt bought my dress. It was $200, then another $200 for alterations. Hubby’s tux was $180 for the entire time, Vegas – reception. We made centerpieces. I’m sure there were more expenses.
Lets say it was $9,550.00. We live in OHIO. We had a big reception. We didn’t fly anyone in, didn’t pay for a photographer, invitations, or pay market price for a florist, band or a DJ. It was at the cheapest hall I could find that was acceptable, not dingy or embarassing. The caterers must have been deperate for work. His dad gave us $2,000, my family kicked in at least that much through the process, and “envelopes” were around $3,000. We waited to move in together until a week before the wedding, so we did receive a lot of household items too. Almost 8 years later I wouldn’t do anything differently even though we could afford more now and it would definitely cost more. The wedding party still talks to us, in fact, we are actually CLOSER now. Husband and I had a blast, after the overwhelming nature of being stared at wore off. Friends all had fun, most of them showed up at my parents’ to drink whatever booze we smuggled out. The place was still full an hour after the cake was cut, so even the old folks had fun. My goal was to avoid stress for everyone and throw a good party. It took that much money. I guess my long winded point is that weddings are expensive if you want to invite people to eat, drink, and be merry, without imposing on everyone you know. Unless you want your friends to detail their spending with you, good call on not saying anything. 😉
So much snark in here from both sides. Hopefully, you get married just once (or maybe I am too hopeful to be among the lot of you) and I find it the idea that this is a good time to be a cheapskate really gross. As gross as I find a thirty grand wedding. And I was MOH at my oldest friend’s wedding of over twenty grand. All that money spent and the bride still got married with a broken tooth. Ridiculous yes, but not my business. If you cannot or don’t want to fork out wads of cash then don’t. And if you do then that’s fine too. But for God’s sake, quit tearing everybody down with all your freaking obnoxious snarking and condescension.
We never, in a million years, thought that we would spend that much on our wedding. But we both came from really, really large families. And this would be the one and only time our families would ever, in our lifetime, be together in the same room. So we said, screw it, let’s go for it. 🙂 And we did and it was wonderful. Our parents chipped in to make it less of a financial burden, but we still paid for the bulk of it. In any case, with the generous wedding gifts that we received because we had a wedding of that size, and the showers our families and friends threw, we probably came out ahead in the end. lol. — We didn’t spend as much as we could’ve spent — but we definitely spent @$30K.
Whoever’s money is being spent can spend it as they like.
However, if the couple is spending their own money, and chose to do a wedding they cannot really afford, and particularly if they need to borrow to get it done, and decide to go into debt to do so, they both clearly have so little concept of how to manage money that I’d have to question the wisdom of their getting married to begin with. Money problems are, after all, a leading cause of divorce, and many of those problems arise from just such immature financial thinking.
But in the end these are all invididual choices and I, like the author, would also keep my mouth shut.
For what it is worth, though, my own individual view is this: when I think about what can be done with $30,000 I cringe at the idea of spending it on a wedding. Not because I could not afford it but because I consider it a frivolous and narcissistic waste of a powerful resource that could be wielded in far more productive ways. Even if we confined that productivity to the marriage itself, meaning there’s a lot of things $30,000 can do that will help your marriage more in the long run than memories of a fun party will.
Stacy — CONGRATULATIONS… I hope you have a long & happy marriage. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation.. I don’t know what stick some of these people have stuck up their butts, but I feel sorry for them. I don’t know why they’re SO concerned with how other people spend their money. Your wedding sounds WONDERFUL — I know you and your new Hubby and your family will have an incredible time (and they’ll talk about it for years to come.)
P.S.—for the person with the GIANT stick who keeps spouting off about the U.S.’s “70% divorce rate”: the failure rate for all FIRST marriages is actually around 40%. And if you’re college-educated and wait until you’re over 25, that number goes down to 20%. At least make an attempt to get your statistics right.
Thank-you, thank-you, a thousand times thank-you. I can’t tell you how much the Giant Stick was irritating me too. Geez, what a bore. Your statistics are more accurate as evidenced by a simple google search.
A big GET OVER YOURSELVES to the judgmental people who think people who spend money on weddings are selfish, shallow, irresponsible, or dumb.
I love going to extravagant weddings, I love the opulence, the grandeur, the silk gowns, the tuxes, the 10-piece bands, the open bars, the rooftop after-parties… I LOVE IT. And it costs money, a lot of it. And the couples who spend this money sometimes have it, and sometimes don’t, sometimes I think they’re going to divorce in a couple years, and others I believe will last an eternity. But the SAME goes for those Party City decor, Lions Club venue, Uncle JoJo’s cooking, and a used dress kinda weddings. But I love either kind of party equally the SAME. Why?? Because I am there to celebrate the couple, to take part in their celebration of love, a celebration of what life/God has given them and they have earned (whether family, friends, talents, money, stuff, whatever they decide.). I am there for the couple, so in that I’m going to shut up and PARTY.
Ignore your prejudices, your assumptions, ignore what they are spending, ignore the charities they could be helping, ignore the plastic-ware at cheaper weddings, get off your tiny soap-box, shut up and CELEBRATE. That’s the whole POINT OF A WEDDING.
When I get married in a couple months, I’m going to do a fancy-schmancy destination wedding in Grand Cayman and I’m going to spend a lot of money. I’m going to fly family in from Africa, I’m going to pay for housing for friends who can’t afford it, I’m going to have excursions with buffets on boats. Why? Because my wedding is not just for me, it is also MY GIFT to my family and friends who don’t typically travel, who wouldn’t treat themselves to this sort of thing, and who need to take the time to chill-out and enjoy themselves. I’m young, have the money in savings, donate to charities and family ALL the time, and plan to be married an eternity.
Love it! Wishing you all the best!
I am getting married in six months. I want a beautiful dress and flowers, but that is it. I am not having a huge wedding. I would much rather use that money for a down payment on a house. I also don’t buy lattes everyday. I could if I wanted to, but why throw away money? What will you have when it is time to retire? An application for government help? I hope to have a large savings. By making smart choices, I know that I will.
Maybe Mandy can afford lattes and still have money left over to save for a decent retirement. Why judge w/o knowing all the facts? I personally don’t buy lattes (I get the free stuff at work) but to each his/her own.
WOW- I think it is nobody’s business how much I spent on my wedding, how much I make in a year, how much my car/house cost, or how much I spend on my monthly latte addiction. I don’t understand why anyone has a right to demand that someone spend money on one thing or another. Could I have donated my wedding funds to saving the polar bears? yes, but how I spend my money is my business and frankly, a six hour Top Shelf Open Bar took priority on that one day in my life. No regrets.
6-hours top shelf? Sounds like my kind of party. Kudos to you.
I’m a wedding phootgrapher and as such a little biased 🙂 My own wedding 12-years ago (before becoming a photographer) was abot 3,000. It was exactly what we wanted then. If I had to do it again today, I would spend more because I see thing much differently now. When I got married in 1999 I thought the same as many here “Who would spend XXXXX on a wedding, what a waste of money, I could do this and this with that money.” But after shooting about 200 weddings now I havve a different opinion. Most of the weddings I shoot are north of 30,000, many much more than that. I think that in most cases the families have saved for the event for many years. It is not for anyone to judge how others spend their money, especially with weddings. I have had countless discussions with bides that begin with “Since I was a little girl I imagined that my wedding would be this..” You can say what you want about consumerism and wasteful spending, but the marriage and wedding day often beings 20-years before the actual wedding day, with a small girl thinking about her likes/dislikes and how important that day will be in her life. I dare not judge that, or how she and her family spend to achieve that vision. Furthermore, to mention the economy on the article is interesting. Do you have any idea how many people can be emplyed by a 30,000 wedding? A large venue packed with 250 guests need many servers, bartenders, etc. There are florists, DJs, photographers, planners, stationary people, it goes on and on. The economy is helped, not hurt by big weddings. I say to each his/her own. Don’t bring up the economy and question the spending habits of those who you know nothing about.
As long as they get the wedding they want and are not left in debt I think it is okay. I was 39 when I married and I had some money saved. I spent about $11,000 on my wedding event – $6000 for a catered lunch on china for 100 guests, $1800 for flowers and centerpieces, $1500 for a great photographer, $500 for a dj – just so I could get his equipment – I asked him to keep quiet since those guys are all so cheesy. I MC’d my own wedding. On top of the direct event costs, I bought a $1000 dollar Italian suit, which I can use forever, my wife had a gorgeous custom gown made for $2500 – and I mean gorgeous. The honeymoon was $2800 bucks to Hawaii. The biggest expense of all was my wifes $18,000 dollar engagement ring and wedding band, which I figure was actually the best value of the whole affair since she will wear it everyday for the rest of her life (unlike her gown which was $2500 for a single day). Anyway, we have no regrets. We treated our guests to a gorgeous day and fabulous food. It was a celebration of an important event. No debt was taken on to accomplish this joyful celebration. Take out the cost of her ring and I think we spent about half the average wedding cost and it was the most beautiful classy wedding celebration I have ever been to. I’m glad it was my own.
UGH… ALL OF YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.
This isnt about your wedding, and what you did or didnt do and how much it cost. Its about the fact that it DOESNT MATTER what someone spends. Especially if you are that person’s friend. Be there, help out if you can, attend, bring a gift that you can afford that shows some effort/respect and thats it.
Each person has thier own desires, morals, and bank accounts. At the end of the day what matters is the couple and that THEY were happy.
My wedding cost upwards of $50,000 and my friends wedding cost less then $1000. Neither wedding was better then the other they were just different and suited to each individual couple. My Husband and I did not go into debt to have what he had but if we did…. that would have been our choice.
Let it go. Marraige is about love, family, and commitment. Not money, judgement, and frugality
Guess people arent reading my post cause the bashing continues.. so sad
The bashing continues because people use blogs to sound off anonymously and we have a lot of jealousy as well as control freaks in
America. You are exactly right in your post–but people see exorbitance as an insult when they or others they may know have so little.
the real problem is why they make their hangup the hang up of anyone else. I agree with you–spend what you like–it is your day–but money has nothing to do with the real reason there is a wedding–(If it is a legitimate wedding) .
I think your post was spot on–but there is no point in getting frustrated–we have entered the age of entitlements–when people think what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours should be theirs or at least you should do with it what they say–especially if you have more than what they think is your “fair share”
Pathetic, really. Anyway–GREAT POST.. There. I listened.
Great Reply…
TOO BAD THERE ARENT MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AROUND.
We should do lunch lol
So sorry this is way off topic but I just had to comment because it proves too true to one of your statements.
Quote: we have entered the age of entitlements–when people think what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours should be theirs
After months and months of pleading with my neighbor to keep her dog and kids from playing in my yard – kids and friends (7+) constantly hopped the privacy fence, trampled my flowers in the front yard, hid in my bushes etc….. I took her to court. Her excuse to the judge……. (drum roll…..)
Her yard wasn’t big enough..
I agree with you. I spent a good amount on my wedding, and I don’t regret it one bit, or feel guilty about it. My husband and I both have large families, we lived in NYC at the time, and to have a wedding of any size in NYC is expensive. But it was a wonderful day, all the people we loved were in one place at one time celebrating a joyous event. The food was good, the music was great, everyone had fun, and I was proud and happy that I was able to throw a nice party for everyone. I didn’t see it so much as a WEDDING but as the biggest party I would throw in my life. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, I was just trying to have a celebration, and if I could afford to do that by renting a ballroom in a hotel and having lovely, delicious food served instead of having everyone meet in a park with trays of donated food, why shouldn’t I have?
Well, $30000 is pretty low considering the Indian wedding will cost 10 times or even more than that.
Indian brides spend around $20000-$50000 on Gold or other fine jewelery alone. Then comes other expenses.
Total, a wedding can cost anywhere between 50000$ (Poorest family)-1000000$ (Rich family).
I bet 30000$ seems pretty affordable…
Uh huh–but the fact is–most Indians do not pay that to get married (my extended family is Indian and Pakistani) only the wealthy do that–but Indian marriages are not founded on unrealistic romance –they are usually arranged for at birth or by the time the girl is 12 and they are usually saved for–as soon as the couple gets married (they also include the passing down of gold and silks for dowries)
Indian marriages are not arranged for by birth or by the time girl is 12. This is extremely rare. 90% of the time Indian marriages are arranged for when the girl is in her early twenties. The parents have to approve but most couples can choose who they want to marry and will usually go on a few dates before it is decided. My aunts (on my father’s side) all went on dates with the men they married and they both mutually like each other and wanted to marry that person. They are happily married to this day. This is how the majority of arranged marriages take place. They are really not all that arranged. Depending on your parents you can choose who you marry as long as they approve. On my mother’s side one of my aunt’s ran away at 16 and got married. Her other siblings got to choose. They are all happily married. My father who was a legal citizen of America at that time, went back to India to marry. He wanted to marry my mother but she did not like him. She told my grandfather she didn’t want to but my grandfather forced her to anyway for the off chance that he may live long enough to come here. My parents are the only Indian couple I know who have had such an unhappy, loveless marriage. They hate each other and are always fighting. They’re separated now but my mom is not your typical Indian women or mother. Also, almost all teenage girls there date different boys and maybe have sex. They just do it secretly so their parents don’t find out. I’m sure this is true for any culture around the world. Human nature is universal.
Marriages are big ceremonies there as they are all over the world. The majority of the time they are costly there as well compared to the income level. It’s universal. I don’t know anything about dowries except for having heard the word before because my mother’s story of the wedding only included memories of the experience and cute stories. Sorry to rant but I feel like marriage , including the costs, is the same around the world.
Also, I see people frequently commenting that only in America do people….. fill in xyz, but if they traveled to any part of the world for a lengthy period of time they would realize that no behaviors are exclusive to Americans. In fact, it is pretty much the same all around the world. People are people. The only difference is in America there are few political, societal,cultural, and financial constraints(90% of India does not have credit cards. They’re not available there).
Ok. I married an Indian. His parents were not “thrilled.” He was an only child so they weren’t thrilled at the prospect of a Caucasian daughter-in-law. We were both students. My mother was widowed. I had previously seen my boss die needlessly in an accident while on duty with the National Guard and he left his bride of 3 months with years worth of wedding debt. That taught me something even though I was only 19 at the time. I guess the lesson took a toll because his parents didn’t even bother to show up for our wedding. There was no shower of cash and gold. Our wedding cost, including rental of the hall and a band, was $350.00. I found the itemized details a few weeks ago. I made our invitations and included a note with a friend’s phone number who coordinated details of potluck donations in lieu of gifts. We had fruit punch and coffee and my mother bought a 4 layer white wedding cake and 4 additional cakes. I bought 35 lbs of ham,15 dozen rolls,butter, a roast beef for our Muslim guests; my sister made those neat carved watermelon halves filled with fruit salad, and the guests brought cheeses, cookies, candies,chips, etc., etc. When some of the guests brought gifts, we tried not to look too upset (we were cross country the following day and the car was packed.) The flowers were $1 wild flower bouquets from the grocery store picked up that morning. My dress was a silk Kanjeevaram sari that cost $60. I wear it every year on our anniversary. The in-laws finally arrived and since I was a kick-ass Indian cook, they decided they liked me after all. So I eventually got all of the gold – considerably more than $30,000 worth – but I suspect it was because I was so thrifty more than anything. And the marriage is in it’s 38th year.
Why would you care what someone pays for their wedding any more than you would care what they spend on a car or house or anything else? We are a culture that over-spends. I don’t see the point of $200 shoes for women but I know a lot of women who spend $200 on shoes (or more). How about men and their gadgets? I know guys that will buy electronics they have no need of and don’t even think of the cost.
Just because you don’t see the value in an expensive wedding doesn’t mean it isn’t there for some one else. Good for you if you did a nice wedding on the cheap. Be satisfied with yourself. Now go to your friend’s wedding, enjoy the celebration with a gift and some goodwill and get over yourself. How it was paid for is none of your business.
That’s just it–we have devolved to a point where we DO care how much people spend on clothes and houses and cars –You could say it started when people dared to show outrage for the amount of shoes Imelda had in her closet–it was fueled by jealousy and the sense that this generation has–that if someone has or does something it is wrong–if they cannot personally afford to do it to.
then the rest of the argument is spent justifying the purity of their frugal stance as opposed to the position of the spender.
Both sides miss the point. You do not have a wedding for the wedding’s sake–you have it for the marriage. if the marriage is a failure then the wedding no matter how simple or lavish or nonexistent–is MOOT.
My husband and I got married 15 years ago on a trip to Las Vegas for only $200. We didn’t even have rings for the ceremony we purchased our wedding rings for $30 bucks at Walmart. We are still wearing them 15 years later. I don’t have any regrets. Spend what you can afford and do what will make you happy.
Anyone who has ANYTHING to say about money when it comes to ANYTHING is someone who is jealous. Its not your business. If you are concerned about a friend then as a friend you talk to them about thier health, thier personal life, even thier finances….. but you dont act jealous. And you most certainly dont write blogs about it trying to garner sympathy for your green monster ideals from fellow sad members of society. Really.. with everything else going on in the world you are going to comment on how much your friend spends on thier wedding???? Your no friend
I totally agree and am surprised by the amount of people on here who are so upset about what other people are spending on their weddings.
I say spend what you can afford, but no matter what don’t stress over it. I watched my sister fall apart planning and executing her $28k wedding. Drive everyone in the wedding party nuts for 3-months, her 2 maids of honor quit because they couldn’t stand the bridezilla, and her groom threatened to walk the morning of the wedding (it took three of us to get him to the alter and keep him there). Eight years later we all laugh about it and she even jokes that she should have done a $200 wedding with the JOTP (as my wife and I did), but in the end it’s not what you spent in money, but how you comported yourself through the event.
Actually, in the end–it is the marriage NOT the wedding that is important. Spazzing over a wedding, is like planning a world tour of Europe but freaking out because the drive to the airport was in a cab (on a bike/in a rental, etc) and not in a limo.
This idea that the type of wedding is important is an illusion–but marketing and advertising has made it so in the minds of many so for them it IS important (and they should be left alone if they are paying for it themselves) for others who did not buy into the illusion–the day is only the starting point–it is not the destination– it is not even a real part of the journey–it is just the EMBARKATION point. The journey is the commitment and the marriage–the end point is staying together and raising healthy, happy families that contribute to society in some way.
All the rest is background and groundchatter.
“it’s not considered polite to even bring up wedding costs and talk about debts”
That’s the ONE part of this article that deserves to be noted. The rest is just preaching to the cheapskate choir.
YES, it would the HEIGHT of rudeness to mention money to your friends. Attend or don’t attend, but keep your opinion on the cost to yourself. (After they see your blog post, I suspect you will be uninvited.)
OMG..we are going to a “Royal Wedding” this summer in excess of $65,000.00 we hear all the time. I’ll be so glad when this is over. And not only that, but the bride’s mother gave a shower that must have cost another couple of thousand dollars.
Should I have two dresses, one for the ceremony and then another for the reception 5 hours later? Tacky tacky is all I can say.
You are a sad and bitter person. What do you care how much people spend. Not everyone goes into debt to finance their wedding even it it costs a lot. Some people have planned, saved, and dreamed about this day for years. How about you do this couple a favor and save them some of the money you are so upset about them spending and DON’T GO.
She probably HAS to go–she may be one of the “adoring family and/or friends” that so many people are posting they really have their weddings for. 🙂
I think some people have large or elaborate weddings because the first instance of the traditional symbol of married life – making love – is no longer saved for the wedding night. The fancy wedding substitutes for what, years ago, was regarded as an exciting, brand new experience on the honeymoon.
Actually the word “honeymoon” is descended from the pagan celebration of the Honey Month. It was the month set aside directly after marriage when a man so called deflowered his virginal wife. The idea was that if he could have her exclusively for a month, then he could have more assurance that at least his first born was his seed and not some other man’s. THIS is the reason for men wanting virgins as wives and for the necessity in virgins to wear white.
White used to indicate that a woman had never been touched–the idea was that after the marriage, her husband would “blood” her (cause her to bleed from tearing her virginal membrane) and PROVE she was untouched by displaying either bloody sheets or clothing. Later, due to the acknowledgment that many women were NOT virgins (even in the 1930s–and onward–the idea was that all women who had not married and did not have children could wear white but only the UNTOUCHED (and thereby virginal) could have the veil down.
As late as the 1960’s there were strict rules for how a woman was to dress if she was remarrying, was a virgin (veil down) or was a woman with children but no husband (could not wear white at all) now it all is hogwash.
Research has shown that women and men have always been having sex outside of marriage, always had a significant amount of women with illegitimate children–the difference was that during Victorian times there was the insistence to keep up with appearances even if they were a lie–this led to the rules concerning how to dress for the wedding.
The Honey month no longer has as much significance since there is DNA testing to reveal if a man has been cuckolded. But that is the origin, and the time is now a few days.
The elaborate weddings as we know them now is an attempt for the masses to live up to the advertising in magazines and on television concerning what successful or the most fairy tale like wedding is–this type of thing is almost a competition with brides often competing among families and friends to have the wedding “to die for” It was and remains a very successful marketing ploy–yet has no bearing on whether a marriage is successful or not.
People need to remember that $30k in one part of the country gets you a lot more or less than in other parts of the country (and world). While I agree it’s foolish to go into massive debt or even use most of your savings to fund one’s own wedding, if the parents want to spend that kind of coin on their kids then let them. If they’d rather put that money towards a down payment for the newlyweds’ house, then let them do that too. Just telling people how they should spend their money is petty, pointless, and reeks of jealousy.
I think one thing that very few people consider is that you can’t consider the cost as being spent only on 4 hours or however long the reception and ceremony last. Most wedding guests (atleast if you invite reasonable people) will gift according to the amount of money you spent to invite them.
-If you invite 12 people and spend $200 total on the wedding expect a $20 gift from each person.
-If you invite 100 people and spend $10k then you should reasonable expect $100 gift from each guest.
So all in all it is an investment in furnishing your future home.
It’s all about the money isn’t it? That money would have been better spent on downpayment of a house.
Watching Say Yes to the Dress, just tells me how tacky weddings have become. And on TV for the world to see no less.
Not that it wouldn’t be better spent on a down payment, but, how much money are you going to spend furnishing your new home. Most couples who marry for the first time don’t have all the home supplies they need to fill a house…
Television shows are not necessarily reflective of “typical” or “normal.”
Huh. Apparently, we’re not “reasonable” people. Maybe that’s because I write the check and put it in the card BEFORE I get to the wedding, where I can more easily gauge how much the bride & groom spent.
These days, we give a minimum of $100 to couples who are friends — depending on how well/how long we’ve known them. For relatives: $250. Wasn’t always so — when we had two babies in daycare & weren’t making the salaries we do now, friends only got $50/relatives $100.
IMO — people who base their gift on the cost of the wedding are cheap and tacky. YOU are the “fake users” mentioned by another poster.
Agreed.
My God. I think most people give a gift they can afford, period.
That is a very poor way to look at things for this reason–people often do not comply with a Bridal registry. I once did a wedding (with my mum) where the the couple got 3 bread machines and 13–yes–13 toasters.
Needless to say–my mum said it best ” People do NOT give you what you want–they give you what they want you to have. ”
So try not to have high expectations of what you get–then there was the couple who got an antique Meissen figurine when what they needed were towels—They gave that figurine away (they never knew that it was valued at over 2000.00) and though they got towels–everyone seemed to not have gotten them from the same place or in the same dye lots so the bride later complained (to her hairdresser–who also was a friend of mine)
If you invite people for the gifts–realize that a lot of people do not bring gifts or go in together. 3 people going in on a Baccarat biscuit jar will be set back around 125.00 a piece, but to have them in a wedding and feed them will be about 175.00 a piece. It is in very poor taste to either expect gifts or stipulate what or how much anyone should spend.
If the point is the celebration, then the gift is their presence.
Well said again Queen Bee…. you invite people because you want them there not for the gifts.
My husband and I planned our wedding knowing full well that we would NOT recoup the $250 a head we paid out. We didnt care. Its not about the gifts… its about having the guests there at the Venue you want to share in the experience you want to portray to them
My friend on the other hand did it different.. she had alot of people at a much more reasonable venue ($69 a head) and walked away making alot of money off her big day. Yes, it would have been nice to have a a few thousand in our pockets after our big day but then again… we wouldnt change anything. Money wasnt the object for us it was the day, our love, and the experience for our guests.
I have had people comment to me about how lavish or expensive my wedding must have been, with almost a rude snide to thier remark. But I smile and say “you cant put a price on love, family, and memories and we had and made some great ones on our special day”
Most people do want to have a great wedding. It’s a blessing and way to show your friends and family that it’s a start of a special union. In many cultures, Indian/Arab/Pakistani weddings can last few days and cost over $50,000 easily.
Most of the time, the parents pay for the events, so the burden isn’t on the kids, which is great, but nowadays, that trend is changing. I personally you should be a modest budget in mind and not short-change yourself of a good time. If you need to take loans out for a wedding, then, you have issues.
If you spend $5K – 10,000, that’s plenty for a beautiful wedding if you are resourceful, shop around .
Having planned my own wedding, I know how easily it can add up. We budgeted $7,000 and spent closer to $9,000, and it was a relatively small wedding (125 people), all things considered. Granted, I chose to do some expensive things: getting married in a church ($1,000, and that was with our member-discount), sending paper invitations ($500, would have been more but I printed and assembled them myself), hired a DJ ($500), etc. Made my own dress, and catered it myself, though, so that helped cut down on cost. Oh, and no booze. If we’d had booze, it would have come to nearly $15,000. No thank you.
I had a couple of friends who got married at the courthouse and threw a crazy shindig at their favorite restaurant for 30-40 people. I think they said it cost them $2,000 of the $4,500 they had saved, and the rest went to their honeymoon in Mexico. Not a bad plan, all things considered. 🙂
Excellent wedding which your friends will remember for ever.
We have had a couple of garden weddings at our house which were so successful, only costing about what yours did.
Imagination these days seems to be lacking for brides and of course the tacky mothers.
I got married a few weeks ago. We didn’t keep an exact running tab, but I think it cost about $10k.
My husband and I did some of the spending, but the majority was thanks to my parents. And I think they were happy to do it.
We both have HUGE families, as well as a lot of friends. And no, they’re not fake people who just use us. Those people were left off the guest list.
We had about 170 people at the wedding. I couldn’t dream of narrowing it down much past that. Only 20 people? No way.
We were so happy on our wedding day, and we were so blessed to share it with so many people.
It was worth it.
The average cost in meaning when you have people spending six figures on their wedding. What is the median? That is the number that should be used. It is likely well below $29k, at least based on every wedding I have ever seen.
My husband and I had a low-budget wedding and I did not want a diamond (already have some family diamonds – not my thing). My brother (a talented photographer) took pictures. I got a nice dress on sale. But there was an intimacy and sweetness to it that people still talk about.
I think the best way to approach this spending issue — is to live the example. I think sometimes people don’t *think* that there are other ways to do things. Have a nice wedding but make it yours in other ways — have the loveliness of it outweigh the spendiness of it. Invite your intimate circle of family and friends. Find a lovely outside venue or quaint chapel. Make sure the person marrying you knows you – write memorable vows that will define your days. Have the dinner at a fine restaurant and eat and drink and toast all night. I’m personally comfortable with an approach of nice but more intimate. And the benefit of not spending *too* much money is that you get to put a downpayment on a nicer house, pay it off sooner, fully fund retirement or freedom. But these things are more abstract (balance sheet level) — they are not readily visible so are therefore hard to contemplate when the reality of a right-now wedding is upon us.
After the wedding is the marriage, hopefully a long and successful one, and marriages often do better with less financial strain, with the freedom to travel and change careers and live freely without financial worry.
I love your post. I should have sent it to the bride that is having a huge huge wedding because her mother has gone loony over her only daughter’s wedding day. $65,000.00 and counting I hear.
Obscene.
I’ve been to maybe forty weddings in my day. Two summers ago, I went to the grandest one–a co-worker’s. They spent close to $70,000. A year later, they were divorced. She admits that she had big doubts there and then. There’s a part of me that wants my $300 gift back. Not really . . . but the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.
See, I get that. There was less stress, no having to “top” friends or relatives weddings. Plus the intimate surroundings are a much better way to start out a marriage than to max out your credit cards and go into hock so that your friends and family will be impressed. Today’s “Bridezillas” say they want to make their friends and relatives jealous. That’s not the attitude of someone wanting to share the happiness of their wedding day. That show is perfect for showing brides-to-be how NOT to act. I would not trade my wedding experience for anything. The pictures my best friend/photographer took remind us today what a lovely, fun, special day it was.
Why do you assume that “don’t *think* that there are other ways to do things”? Please. Some people want a big wedding because they want a big wedding while some people love the idea of a small, intimate wedding in an outdoor venue or quaint chapel. I’ve been to many kinds of weddings, from *very* homemade, do-it-as-cheaply-as-possible to one where the reception had two shifts, one a sit down dinner, the other a cake/cookies/beverages event to a very, very swank New York City wedding. I enjoyed them all and just hoped that the day was the beginning of something wonderful for the bride and groom. Sadly, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t, but the kind of wedding people choose to have should be what they want to celebrate their special day. (Now, if I could just get invited to a Las Vegas wedding or a resort wedding or one with strong ethnic/cultural aspects….)
I had a small wedding under $200. For my gift, a friend made my dress. I purchased material. Had a cake and coffee reception. First family wedding that there were no fights. Most of the family have a slight drinking problem. When my son married, they had an inexpensive wedding. They got married outside at an apple orchard. Folk band for dancing and a catered dinner. Just lovely.
OK, 25 years later we still hear about our “cheap” wedding, but it started us off without debt.
So excellent and memorable too. We met a couple on a plane going to Antigua. The groom to be stood up and asked who was going to his resort and he invited us all to the “all inclusive” wedding and reception they had planned.
My husband’s friend who was with us was the best man and his wife stood with the bride. The reason? Religious differences, people not speaking to people, family members putting two cents in, so the couple “eloped” for two weeks to Antigua.
My hubby’s friend still stays in touch with the happy couple ten years later.
How good is that?
That’s awesome !! My hubby and I have been married 25 years now. We spent 1/10th on our wedding, as we are not extravagant people. I made all the flower arangements, bouquets, etc., using inexpensive silk flowers from the craft store, bought my lovely chapel length dress from JC Penney, held the service at a neighborhood chapel, my MIL made a beautiful cake and our reception was catered by me (served by my SILs) and held in GMIL’s rec room at her senior residence.
I don’t know why you’re so shocked at a 30k wedding when the national average is 29k (although I recently read it was 25k). I don’t like that weddings cost this much, but they do. I would rather have a proper wedding and spend a little more, than have some Anthropologie-wannabe DIY wedding that just ends up looking like the bride and the groom really couldn’t be bothered to celebrate properly. If you want to complain about people who spend too much, maybe go for the 60k or 100k weddings- the national average though? Seems like you might possibly just be projecting a bit of jealousy and/or regret that you weren’t able to spend as much as you would have liked on your own wedding, despite claims to the contrary.
The wedding is a celebration FOR family and friends WITH the bride and groom. It’s not just about the bride and groom. It’s about family and friends and coming together to celebrate a special union. I don’t advocate waste, but I do think that people should be realistic and have a celebration that really shows who they are and embraces the lifestyle of their community (friends and family). For some people, that’s a potluck picnic in the park. For others, it’s a five course sit down meal. And both are just fine.
Melanie–there is something wrong here….WHAT is a “proper celebration”?
It seems that in national discourse there is no middle road–everyone wants it their own way. If a person spends a little–they get put down–if they spend a lot–others are mad. Whatever happened “to each his own”?
No one (who is not paying for it) has the right to tell anyone what to do with their own money–but then again, no one should blast anyone who spends less either. THAT is the essence of elitism–to think one is right and in a superior place and look down on differences.
I’ve seen 200.00 weddings that were lovely and 70K weddings that were amazing–I have seen people with lavish weddings later have lavish second weddings 20 years later and I’ve seen some with big dollar weddings not even last 5 years. I’ve seen people with no money who still have no money yet are very much in love and still happy and I’ve seen people with no money, whose marriage got torn apart.
IF everyone would just accept that : THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PROPER CEREMONY–(I can guarantee that even YOUR wedding will have colors, flowers, arrangement and ceremony that someone will look down on or will put down) that the point is to do what suits you –but remember it should also suit your spouse and circumstances–and even if it doesn’t–then it is you and your partner’s (or whoever it footing the bill) problem.
There is no need for put downs from either side. Some people just cannot imagine a need for extra money spent and others cannot imagine how things can be beautiful without that money spent–BOTH show their own imaginative limitations–To each his OWN–and may you all be happy with the choices you make and the money you do or do not spend.
I don’t see the point in writing an article about a couple who spends an average amount of money on their wedding. Its great that the author was able to get the wedding she wanted for such a small cost, but because of family obligations, location, guest list, etc., not every couple is afforded the luxury of spending close to nothing on their big day. I am getting married this summer and because of our 200+ guest list, will also probably be spending close to $30,000 on my wedding, despite our best efforts to stick to a modest budget. We both have a lot of friends and come from large families, which puts our guest list at 200+, and I would rather suck up the extra cost to have everyone we love at our big day than have to leave some people out for the sake of money. We live frugally on a day-to-day basis and can afford some luxuries for our wedding so who has the right to judge how much we decide to spend?
The sad truth is–that a lot of people who go to weddings actually go to “critique their friends. Since my mom was a wedding caterer –I got to attend a lot of weddings. I have never been to a wedding where someone who was invited is not trashing the bride, the bride’s maids, the dresses the food, the venue, the reception, the photographer, etc. These are the most important days to some people and THAT is a choice, and your business–but it appears the main rationale for doing weddings–that you do it so that all who know you will not miss your special day–is maybe being a little bit delusional and self centered in how much you and your day are actually valued in the scheme of things. Brides rarely do these things for all their friends–that is the pat excuse–they usually do it to show off.
weddings are the one day when girls can proclaim it is “all about themselves” and show off without people being able to criticize them for it.
For some people 30K is their show off point–but we’ve catered weddings upwards of 70K so 30K is really not that much…..in THAT scheme of things.
Excellent Post Queen Bee.. You are sadly correct that alot of people do make comments when they attend a wedding and criticize everything from the dress to the cake to the venue. I will be honest here, I have done this… but for the reasons being that the Bride and Groom did not take others into consideration. For instance, asking people to travel far between the church and venue and/or having hours of down time in between. While it IS the Bride and Grooms day and people should cater to thier wishes, the Bride and Groom should also be considerate of thier guests.
The only other time I have complained at a wedding is when the service or food was so poor that I felt horrible that my friends were being treated this way on “thier” day and having to pay for a bad experience.
It must be a female thing to be critical at weddings. Every wedding I’ve gone to with my guy friends was just a good fun time full of celebrating and totally criticism free.
Me too, Mike. I don’t know what weddings these people are going to. I’m a wedding photographer and have been for many years. I have literally been to hundreds of weddings — lost count a long time ago. And I can tell you that the vast majority of people going to these events are simply happy for the bride and groom. I don’t hear any rude, snarky or critical comments, and trust me I’m paying attention to everything that’s going on around me. I’ve covered tiny, budget-minded weddings and big huge extravagant events, and the level of happiness is never contingent upon the amount of money spent. There’s simply no correlation. So to those who say, “I only spent $XXX on my wedding and we’re still happy 20 years later,” you don’t have some kind of moral advantage over a couple who spent $30K on their wedding — they have the same chance of being just as happy as you, 20 years down the road. (This might be of interest to the conversation too: I have two weddings booked this summer where the couple couple is already married, having gone to the courthouse and done a quickie JP wedding, and now they’re doing the big bash because they felt like they missed out. I anticipate that these are going to be A LOT of fun.)
Oh and if I’m lucky enough to be a guest at a wedding instead of working it, I just want to wish the couple well, have a good time and eat some cake.
Best post here!
I find it interesting that you are ALWAYS in earshot to hear the criticisms. Funny, isn’t it? Now, I do know that some people might criticize the wedding that they attended, but I cannot say that I have ever heard any criticisms while at a wedding. People are very judgmental, so criticisms should not be a surprise. Re-read these posts, judgmental to the nth power!
folks. it ain’t $30,000. it is really $50,000. why? because $30,000 in purchasing power means you EARNED $50,000 in actual wages to have that purchasing power – all because of taxed income. if you are not well off or somewhat middle class, $50k income is beyond your annual gross. i personally say GO FOR IT if it matters to you that much. just understand that it will be tough to pay off if you are not disciplined with your finances. debt is a major problem in people’s lives and the stress caused from debt may not be worth the wedding especially if you take into account the possibility of divorce – 50% – i say have a basic wedding for a few thousand or $10k at most. spend the rest on travel around the world, upgrading your home, etc. After a point, the wedding is just simple excess and all of that may come back to bite you in hard to pay off debt.
🙂 hey–not everyone wants to “travel around the world” or even wants to own their own home–is it ok for them to take the money slated for that and spend it on their wedding in YOUR world? 🙂
NO ‘Queen B*’ the point he was trying to make was if it means that much to you then GO FOR IT; BUT understand it will be tough to pay off and leads to divorce for many. The second point he was trying to make I believe was why spend so much on ONE event when you can do MANY things together as a couple (fix up home, travel, etc). Stop taking things so personal
Spending more on your wedding than some people make in a year is not only irresponsible from a budget perspective, but heartless as a human being. Money doesn’t buy happiness, either this couple never learned that, or they have no conscience. I give this marriage 5 years tops, then the $90,000 divorce, the kids being shuttled between mom and dad, a ruined family all because these two based their marriage on greed and and money.
From all of your comments, you apparently must know this couple & their finances very well?
Oh…..you don’t??
Well–how about THIS scenario: both the bride & groom are educated, hard-working people in their late 20’s who have been dating for 5 years. They both draw salaries in the high 5-figures. They paid off their student loans and recently purchased a home together. They help support his widowed mother and make substantial contributions to their church & their selected charities.
Her parents are contributing $15,000 towards the wedding (money they have been saving over the last 5 years the couple has been together). His parents are paying for the open bar (estimated to be $5000). So the couple is only responsible for $10,000 of the wedding cost — which they also have in savings. They are paying for the groom’s grandparents to fly in from Italy — the first time they’ve all been together as a family in more than a decade (and probably the last time, too).
Sure—I just made all this up. But that doesn’t mean it’s NOT true. “Heartless”?? “Irresponsible”?? What should they do with the money THEY have earned? Give it to SLACKER LOSERS like you???
My thoughts exactly.. We don’t know this couple or their financial situation. SO WHAT?.?. Its THEIR wedding. If you think its irresponsible to “blow” $30K on a wedding – then don’t do it. The bottom line is it’s THEIR wedding. THEIR day. THEIR money. THEIR future (good or bad). Stop cluttering up their potential happiness, or lack thereof, with your opinions. WHO CARES that you did it bigger, or more costly, or cheaper, or more frugal – that’s how YOU wanted it done for YOUR wedding. Get a life and give it a rest. If they’ve got it, go for it. *shrug*
excellent post.
You said it and said it well!! EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AnonymousJoe: You think its heartless as a human being? Why? If they have the money and that is what makes them Happy why should it matter? What does someones yearly salary even have to do with it? Wow… I am trying to see your point of view really I am but all I am seeing is that you are filled with hatred, anymosity, and jealousy. sad… very very sad
Why give such ugly odds? Why is it heartless to spend their money in the way they see fit? What exactly does their money mean to you? (it is not as if they would have given it to you instead. If you don’t want people telling you how to live your version of your life–why do you have so much to say about how they live theirs? The cost of the wedding is irrelevant–the marriage is what is important –and I am not sure a marriage that starts with an expensive wedding is based on greed or money–it just means for these two people–how they start is a very important thing and they want to celebrate it.
That is simply appalling. It’s a huge waste of money and in no way makes sense. It’s the result of peole with fairy tale nonsense in their heads about how a wedding has to be instead of figuring out how to really have a happy, long lasting marriage. Superficiality instead of substance. I got married at a JP at our county courthouse with no frills and a small cake. After so many years we’re still together. A huge expensive marriage shindig is pointless and clear overkill. What should matter is the committment a couple has to each other. That is all that should matter.
What’s appalling is how many people think being married at a courthouse is ok…. You are marrying your life partner, the “one” and you do it in a courthouse with no frills? Sorry but THAT to me makes no sense. And yes, I had a beautiful $25k wedding. We are extremely committed to each other, have two beautiful children and grow more in love every day. Its was worth every penny and I certainly wouldn’t change any of it. And, no, we did not go into debt.
Pipa: the irony is this: NO ONE romanticizes either weddings of marriage MORE than the American people–and Americans have the highest divorce rate in the world.
This is what happens when expectations clash with reality. Let’s see–you’d rather have a special day than special years? Or are you superstitious and think the way you start is how you will end up.
Many people go to the JP and are together years after. I am one of them. I do not condemn people who want a large or huge wedding or the money they spend–after all, it is NOT coming out of my pocket and yeah–I just saw a huge wedding reception party at a local venue and I smiled.
People smile at babies and at weddings (and cry ) for mostly the same reasons:
1. They remember their own”special day” (smiles, tears–nostalgia)
2. They think about what is ahead for this couple (smiles, tears)*
3. They wish they had others who could be there to attend (smiles, tears)
I wrote in another post that the irony is that Americans romanticize both marriage and weddings more than any other society in the western world and have the highest divorce rate–but the even bigger irony is that the number one reason for divorce is “Financial”
..and so people try to pretend they are in a fairy tale–and that it will last “forever and ever” and that somehow it all works out because that’s how fairytales go–I wonder of the 68% or so who divorce in America–how many started out with unrealistic expectations.
I have no opinion on people who spend a lot on weddings–except when these same people later confide the costs and how they are strapped for cash–you make the bed–you lie in it–but prudent people build the house and get utilities before ever embarking on a super-duper “bed”. Meaning of all things to begin a marriage–a very expensive wedding may be not the smartest thing.
But it’s yours–if you are planning such a gig–the great thing is all the people who will make money off this event–good for you for helping the economy.
4. It would be hypocritical to not include the other group of people who smile–they are the strangers who think how silly and extravagant the wedding party and the rest look and how big the bills will be as yet another initiate transitions from “fairy tales” to real life. (it is that transition that usually ends up in divorces–due to people not being able to come even close to their ideas/ the ideal in reality)
WOW…. Queen Bee you say #4 that people smile at weddings because they think how silly or extravagant the wedding party/wedding is??? My jaw is on the floor. Only a truly selfish, heartless and disgusting person would smile at a wedding in disdain or laughter. Im amazed that people out there can be so jealous and self centered that thoughts of anything other then the couples happiness would cross thier minds on the wedding day of those people. Certainly not people I would consider friends… family or even aquaintances. Thats just Gross… To be that miserable you smile at the hint of what you think may be someone else’s demise????
Happens all of the time. this sounds sour and I wish it were not true–but I have NEVER attended a wedding where at least one person on one side of the family does not make snide remarks about some aspect of the wedding. from “It would have been better if she had the bridesmaids dresses off the rack” to “Why are bridesmaids dresses so ugly” to “Can you believe they did not even have the class to rent tuxes” to “they paid all of this money and THIS is what they have for hors d’ouevres ?” to the kind of things I hear a lot “Yeah, her mum’s crying, because she has to pay for this catastrophe” and “all that money wasted–bet their marriage does not even last 3 years”
The world is not a very nice place anymore. Complete strangers at the park dared to remark on two different weddings there–the point of critique? The bride’s dresses, the bridesmaids’ dresses and why couldn’t the wedding party keep their procession out of the public park.
Then there were the people who know they were trying to take some pictures (thank God only a few of these) who simply strolled past –within the shot anyway.
If you just look at the typical response to movie stars–it shows the mindset nowadays–which is what is meant by that old adage “Misery loves company”
Some people take solace in knowing that no matter what is spent, at least 50%or more of the people’s marriages are doomed.
Why would CNN even point to this? Whose to say how much anybody spends on the most important day of their life. This person is obviously jealous cause she ruined her wedding. I doubt she got what she wanted for 200 bucks.
The wedding, marriage, etc are the most wonderful things in life ,the one ancient ritual that I think is key to our society. How much did I spend 15 years ago I forget but alot.
And yes it was worth it.
Stop being jealous of your friend, you are no friend.
Joe,
That was the worst commentary I’ve ever read.
I agree wholeheartedly with this article. My husband and I spent about $600 on our wedding and it is reknowned as a fabulous story of romance and adventure that people love hearing about and telling to others. Who remembers a $30,000 wedding?
On the other hand, we have friends in the same boat as she mentions. Tens of thousands in debt from a wedding, and then buying a house and a car they can’t afford, traveling, shopping. My husband and I are saving to buy a house. We live frugally (though not deprived) and we only wish our friends understood the financial peril they are putting themselves into.
Telling people what to do with their money is fraught with peril and heartache. Best to live by example I suppose.
I like your story–but living by your example is for YOU and will help all those out who have a similar ethos as you have–part of what you said is right “telling people what to do with THEIR money is fraught with peril…I’d add that it is no one’s business except their own. Unless that wedding causes a couple to end up on the public dole–it really, really, really,really, really is no one’s business but their own and it is amazing that anyone would have a negative opinion on it.
Joe, I think this comes down to personal values. I think a wedding day is great for family pride, and a public display of the couples commitment. But it’s not the most important day of your life. It’s just another day. The most important day is today, and the decisions you make that shape your future.
If you ever have children, their birthday easily trumps a wedding in terms of importance.
“If you ever have children, their birthday easily trumps a wedding in terms of importance.”
Very true, but I still treasure our wedding day, barefoot on the beach in Tahoe, as one of the best days of my life!
I know the money spent on this wedding is the big issue here, but while I was reading this, I couldn’t help but think about how many people must be attending a $30,000 wedding. I myself like to stay fairly low-key, and generally don’t like a lot of attention or public speaking or anything of that sort. So to have me and one other person be the sole thing of attention for the amount of people a $30,000 wedding must have in attendance makes me just as nervous as the thought of spending $30,000 on one event. Then again, I’ve never gotten married before either.
The most important days of my life–all had to do with things that were fated to take place then–not planned events arranged by others–they also were expensive though. Most important days was the day each of my 5 kids were born. I tried to go for no frills (opted for the private room at least twice and epidural at least twice) but damn if people did not spend a lot on flowers and food anyway. 🙂
my wedding cost $25. that’s what this lady charged me to marry in Long Beach. the bitch wasn’t worth it. that’d be my ex i’m talking about.
Wow…bitter much?
Once again, as is true in much of life, you get what you pay for.
That’s not true! We eloped and spent $35 and we just happily celebrated our 23rd anniversary.
My wife and I thought we would save money by having a small wedding for just a few friends and immediate in Las Vegas (but not hokey like with a drive through Elvis) since I have a very large extended Catholic family. Wrong. We still racked up quite the bill but it was small, intimate and everything was perfect. I can’t say that I have any regrets.
Seriously Ms. Thursday you need a reality check. I doubt your $200 wedding occurred this century or in a major city. I’m not happy about spending a lot of $$$$ on my wedding, but it’s hard to get around having a large family or vendors who take advantage of the situation because the event is a “wedding”.
You can’t just look at cost by itself and say the total is unnecessary. You have to look at the surrounding circumstances as well. Not everyone has access to free venues for 50 -100 people, nor would they be comfortable imposing such a burden on others. Then there are potential travel costs for family that will attend as well as getting everyone fed. Not many residences are equipped to handle dinner for 50 people. All of these are services that must be acquired through vendors. The venue has a cost, food has a cost, waiters and dishwashers have a cost. Then there are the expectations of family from both preferential and cultural needs. Even though only two people are getting married, marriage seldom affects only those two…
may i ask why you need 50-100 people at your wedding? most people in life are just fake and use you. why not just have about 10 or 20 people come that really truly care about you?
Who are you to judge how many people should be at someone else’s wedding? The fact that MadJerry had (or will have) more than 10-20 important people in his life is none of your business.
My family alone has 13 people that I would like to come to my wedding. Then do I tell my fiance only to invite 7 people from his family to make it an even 20? and then what about my best friend (since kindergarden) and his friends from college.
My point is that we invite people to our wedding because we want them there. Unnecessaries like fireworks and destination weddings are for fun but the people shouldn’t be excluded due to cost-cutting because they are the ones that can give the wedding celebration tremendous heart.
Just think–if people put as much “intent” and effort into their marriage as they do into the wedding–Americans might not have an almost 70% divorce rate.
Why exactly does the celebration need “tremendous heart”? I have been married almost 20 years to the same wonderful man–and guess what? We always got married without fanfare but at fantastic (FREE) venues, we even remarried each other two more times, –each time we had different people there and the honeymoons were amazing–but never did we think our marriage needed a “launch” of any sort. The fact–the romanticizing of marriage to the point of huge expenditures has found its perfect mate in marketing. But the real deal is how much you spend means that much less you and your spouse have to actually begin the new life together that the marriage symbolizes.
America does not have a 70% divorce rate, it is running about 50% and skewed by the serial remarry-ers, such as Liz Taylor.
Well, I’ve been married considerably longer than you have. I had a relatively big wedding–by your standards, anyway. Rather small by other people’s. But what I don’t get is why so many people think that the only “right” way to have a wedding is the way that they choose. I loved having my and my groom’s family and friends sharing an incredibly special moment with us. It worked for us. Justice of the Peace; small, intimate gathering; big extravaganza; moderate-sized with full trimmings; potluck reception; Las Vegas chapel or Las Vegas event; theme wedding; resort wedding; seashore-meadow-city park–THEY’RE ALL GOOD if they make the day special for the bride and groom. Geez.
If you only have “10 or 20 people” that “really truly care about you”, it really makes me wonder what kind of person YOU are. Then again, your comment “most people in life are just fake and use you” is pretty illuminating. How SAD to be you….
We had 225 guests at our beautiful wedding 13 years ago. Parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, co-workers — an abundance of people who wanted to share our special day (including nearly 2 dozen children under the age of 12..) I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Our entire wedding only cost about $8000. We skimped in areas we didn’t think were important: no limo, silk flower arrangements made by my cousin/maid-of-honor, homemade invitations & favors, my gown was $300 (off-the-rack from a JC Penney bridal outlet — a satin/beaded ball gown that is still STUNNING). We did have a sit-down dinner (with open bar) for our guests. Our 3-tiered cake (with fountain) was made by one friend — another acted as our DJ — and a 3rd did our video.
We’re now the parents of 2 beautiful kids — and my Hubby & I are more crazy about each other today than we were on the day we wed. And because we didn’t start our married life in debt by having a wedding we pay cash for, we our in the process of building our second home.
I mean “STUNNING” is relative.
I’m so sorry that in your life everyone is a fake who uses you. Some of us have families and friends who want to celebrate with us and share in our joy and would be very dissapointed if they were not included.
I’m planning a wedding and have limited the list to 70…. maybe 50 will be able to come. And even then we had to leave off many good friends and family…. I hope things improve for you and you don’t encounter so many users.
LOVE it!! Well said…sad life indeed!
I agree that it’s sad that someone believes that most people just use you. OTOH, some people have very small families and are just rather private people, so they really don’t have a large number of others that they feel close to; what is wrong with only wanting to share the day with 10 or 20 people that you consider close? Sometimes weddings are huge because one or more of the parents have a lot of friends, business acquaintances, etc., to invite, while the contingent the bride and groom are actually close to is rather small. I’m always amazed when I get my college alumni magazine and see pictures of weddings where a graduate has a dozen or even more fellow alums at his/her/their wedding. That wasn’t my college experience nor my husband’s. We each had a few friends from our college days–including the maid of honor–but not enough for a picture of 20 or more smiling fellow alums. But, you know what? To each his own.
Wow, so cynical. Actually, I come from a huge family, and my husband and I are from the same small, Midwest hometown. Our parents worked together in the school system. So it was not hard for us to come up with 400 guests for our wedding, which we put on for about $5,000 (it would probably be more like $8,000 today). I don’t think those people were fake and/or using us, particularly in light of the very personal messages of blessing for the two of us on that our guests wrote on cards and gifts. I just think that in our situation, we are fortunate enough to know and love a great many people. And in our small-town culture, huge gifts, sit-down dinners and $6,000 dresses aren’t expected. Thank goodness.
That sounds like a nearly-perfect wedding to me. It’s a shame that so many people whittle down the guest list in order to cut costs, instead of whittling down the per-person cost. I think *people* are what the occasion should be about.
It’s very unfair to tell someone that they shouldn’t invite more than 20 people to their wedding. My husband and I both come from huge families. We have over 30 aunts and uncles and about 100 cousins between us. Would you really suggest that we cut our most intimate family members, who have shared all of our ups and downs with us, from sharing in our special day just to save a few bucks?
MadJerry May 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm
…. Even though only two people are getting married, marriage seldom affects only those two…
All of that is BS and you know it. Because if it was not–the same people that people seem to think that they “need” at the wedding, would also be consulted and weighed in when the couple’s divorce.
We all know that when divorce takes place–often it is a joint decision of one person and their attorney and even the other partner often is not on board. Save the justification–there is NO LAW or religion that specifies how many people to have a wedding–it is all about choice–but if a person wants to spend thousands for that one day–that is their choice.
They may regret it soon after (like when the fever dies down and those bills keep coming in) but that also is a choice–the thing is–when people do that–they really lose the moral ground to complain about excess of anyone else–on any front–because if they want to exercise their choice and spend money they do not have or do have—without fear of judgment or disparagement —-then so can everyone else.
“My Friends are Spending $30K on Their Wedding — And I’m Keeping My Mouth Shut”
Hmmm, not really. You just posted an article for the world to see on the subject.
She kept her word. Her hands and fingers were busy though. 🙂
It’s ridiculous to spend that sort of money on a wedding. I despise waste and weddings are a prime example. My wife and I paid for our modest wedding ourselves. It was only $5,000 in total.
There is an industry lined up to charge as much as they can for wedding services. I recall that my wife was shocked when I called the florist and asked them to give us a better price on the flowers. They wanted to charge $1,500 and I decided this was too much. Even my future Mother in law was disapointed at me for even questioning the cost. The price came in at $800, and I didn’t hear anyone complain.
30K for a wedding? Wow. Damn if a wedding can cost that much how much would divorce cost? Just kidding.
I guess if doesn’t place them in serious debt then it is okay. As long as you can afford it then why not?
How is it that society is so enamored with excessive consumption? This seems to be the driving force of what most people desire, to be able to burn through resources and have the rest of the populace wish they could do it too. However, how the heck do you spend $200 on a wedding and not feel like your giving your significant other the shaft? Try as I might, my wedding was still 5K.
Why does an inexpensive wedding mean someone is getting the shaft? My wife and I also spent around $200 on our wedding – $75 for a justice-of-the-peace ceremony, and $100 to $150 worth of catered food for people afterwards. Neither if us have large families or lots of friends, I think we invited 12 people to attend, so what would be the point in throwing an elaborate, expensive wedding? Neither of us feel like we got the shaft, much to the contrary, actually. We both feel our wedding was a perfect example of the commitment we have to each other – to always remember what’s really important: spending, enjoying and valuing the TIME we have together, none of which actually costs money. Our wedding also set the tone for our life together, and in the two and a half years we’ve been married, we’ve managed to pay down our mortgage and other debts by over $60,000, which puts us in a far better financial position than had we started off with additional thousands of dollars worth of debt.
Large weddings are just another example of our blind consumerist society today – we accept these outrageous costs as normal not because of any logical consideration, but simply because that’s what everyone else is doing. I have two relatives that spent upwards of $30,000 on their weddings, and they’re both divorced, so if you want to talk about people getting the shaft, think of people like them, not people like us.
I second this. My husband and I have a very comfortable 6 figure income but when it came to a wedding–I am afraid the price was only the cost of getting to the public office. My mom used to cater and plan weddings so you could say that I had enough while helping her out all of those years. Frankly–a large wedding has NEVER been one of my priorities. With the exception of the oldest and youngest siblings, the rest of us would rather NOT spend a lot on the muffler–thank you. On the other hand, I tend to vacation in exotic locales and so what would have went to a wedding went to a trip to Paris, for one honeymoon, Greece, Spain, Australia, England, Japan, Ireland, etc.
It is all about priorities. I would never spend 30K on a wedding–but then, I have never been able to part with 30K for a new car either. I figure like plane tickets–the real point is to get there safely–and the RESULTS OF “there” has always appealed more to me , than the way I arrived.
(Yes, I’ve flown first class and it is heavenly–but in the end, the plane does not arrive sooner–and if I could not fly on frequent flier miles–it would NEVER happen). Some people want the large wedding –but is it really about the celebration of the moment or about the bride wanting to show off for this one special day. I’d rather spend my money on other experiences over the years–that day–is not special–it is the accruing of TIME in a marriage and the sanctity of that commitment that is the real special part.
Then again–I’m not a big birthday celebrant either
I completely agree with this. I would much rather spend the money on travel than one day of my life. After the end of wedding season last year (5 weddings, 3 of which I was in, leaving me with a bill well over $2500), my boyfriend and I decided we did not want a big wedding. We’d much rather save for our ideal wedding – a cool destination with immediate family and a few close friends, you know, those people that have been an active part of our relationship together – than save for a large show. As for when we’ll do it, we’ve already made the commitment to each other, I’m in no hurry to get married and rack up debt to pay for it. I’ll take a house, graduate degrees, and a new car (as soon as mine dies), and perhaps a few vacations, before I’m willing to spend any significant amount of money on a wedding. We can go to the courthouse for all I care 🙂
His mom, however, does not understand why I don’t want to spend more than about $200 on a dress I will only wear once or not get a cake made by the “Cake Boss” on tv. Her brother can no longer retire after spending 6 figures on his daughter’s wedding. I just don’t understand..
So the day you make your vows to spend the rest of your life with someone isn’t worth spending a few thousand dollars celebrating? It isn’t worth spending a little bit more money on the dress than what you spend on your everyday clothes? You only wear the dress one day, but you have your picture taken in it to mark one of the most important days of your life. You obviously value luxury vacations more than the importance of celebrating important events with your family. To each their own I guess.
BTW – There is no rule saying you can only have a cheapo $300 wedding, or a ridiculous $100,000 wedding. Most of the weddings I have been to have been a reflection of what was most important to the bride and groom on that day. They often indulge in one area, and scale back in others depending on their taste. I find that most people who boast about how little they spent on their weddings are generally killjoys to be around.
Everyone thinks they know what it is about. It was NOT about us showing off. We spent $50k. We got married in Belize. Most of the money was spent on paying for our closest family members plane and hotes costs because we knew they could not afford it. We wanted one amazing vacation and for our family to enjoy it too. We have a 10 year mortgage and we put 40% down. We have zero debt outside our mortgage. We are not huge spenders. You can have more than one priority in your life.
Chris I wish I could shake your hand man. This is so true, and sadly in many cases the debt outlast the marriage. Like you said many are doing it because it’s ‘the norm’ and it makes them feel more commited to one another…WRONG. Starting off with this mentality (and debt) really gets the ball rolling in the wrong direction from the start.
Hey Chris, I like how you did it, I think that time is what is important and I agree with you 😀
A lot of people on here who had small weddings seem to think it’s ok to insult those who had big weddings, and to imply that they’re going to get divorced.
My husband and I both have very large families. My dad is 1 of 8 kids, my mom 1 of 5, his dad 1 of 7, and his mom 1 of 3. That’s a lot of aunts and uncles and cousins, and it’s expected on both sides that everyone gets invited. We cut our invite list off at second cousins though, or we would have had over 300 people. And it’s not like we invited tons of friends, either. Just 20 or so. It was mainly family.
So, our choices were to have a massive wedding, or to elope. We did a budget, and found that we could pay for a $30k wedding with no debt, with still enough left over for a more than 25% down payment on the home we were buying. Personally, I could have gone either way (wedding or elopement), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would be sad not to have my parents there, and my siblings, and my aunt, and my grandfather, and my two best friends, and the list just got bigger and bigger till it seemed like the wedding was the way to go.
So how is that stupid? How is that blind and consumerist and outrageous? My mom bought my dress for me as a gift, my MIL made the cake, the only flowers we got were the bouquets because I made all the centerpieces myself, my dad did the singing in the church. We cut all the corners we could because we don’t like wasting money on just one day either, but in the end, the big cost was to rent a place that fit everyone, and to feed everyone, so since we decided to have a wedding, we had to pay that cost.
And you know what? Sorry, but our wedding was amazing too. I’m guessing everyone thinks their wedding was amazing. So go ahead and look down on people who put themselves in debt because of their “Me Me Me!” attitude, but please don’t lump in those of us who calculate and budget and make logical decisions of what they can reasonably do. And no, we haven’t gotten divorced, thank you very much.
I could care less how much someone spends on their wedding but when someone has to brag about how much they are spending on their wedding…well, those are the ones that I don’t attend.
My fiance and I want a cheap wedding, our first priority in planning is to be able to pay for everything ourselves and to not go into any debt doing it. We are having the ceremony and reception at a relative’s lakehouse, with simple decorations we’re making ourselves, and around 150 people. Since by the time the wedding comes we’ll have been living together for five years, we’re asking people to bring a dish of food instead of presents. Having a potluck reception makes it much more personal and MUCH cheaper. All told our 150 person wedding is going to cost $5,000, including engagement rings and honeymoon.
Hope you have good insurance. A potluck with that many people? You are asking for disaster!
I’ve been to a couple of large wedding receptions (as well as a few other events, like anniversaries, retirement parties, etc.) that were potlucks and never heard of any problems.
My husband and I had an inexpensive wedding too and we loved it. We had twenty-five people. Both sets of parents, aunts, uncles and cousins and a couple really close friends. I didn’t wear a traditional wedding dress; instead I purchased a beautiful silk skirt and blouse. My husband wore a suit and tie that I helped pick out. Our reception was held at my aunts house and one of my favorite memories before my big day was going out with her purchasing supplies and decorating.
One of the things I loved about my wedding was that it was so relaxed…Everyone was having fun visiting and there was lots of laughter and silly dancing with kid cousins. My parents had a similar style wedding and have always instilled in me the pitfalls of overextending yourself on credit. After our wedding we purchased our first home. Our honeymoon was simple, we visited family in CA and we went to Disneyland. My father had always wanted to take me and my husband decided it would be fun to go. I loved the idea and we had the best time. I also wanted to mention that my ring is a simple gold band.
I have gotten my fair share of friends and acquaintances thinking I was nuts for not having a large wedding or not having a ring that has big diamonds. I guess I have never been a big ring person. I love beautiful necklaces and told my husband if we ever splurge on a jewelry purchase that is the piece I would want to splurge on.
My husband and I didn’t want to be in big debt for this one special day. For us personally we were thrilled to purchase our first home (and we are still living in with two special kids).
Everyone has a right to make their own decisions but it seems there is more support for people spending large amounts of money than folks who want a more simple affair.
Large weddings are not, in all cases, “just another example of our blind consumerist society today.” My husband and I had a large wedding and it was exactly what we wanted- a day with all our family and friends that we will remember and treasure forever- just as you say yours was, Chris.
I don’t look at your wedding and make derogatory comments, such as saying it was cheap and classless because you went to a justice of the peace; if that was what you and your wife chose because it was what you wanted, then that’s all that matters. But please show me the same courtesy and don’t assume that anyone who chooses to have a large wedding is blindly doing so just because everyone else is. You mention that you and your wife did not have a large family or a lot of friends so you chose a small, intimate gathering. We also chose a wedding which accomodated the amount people we are close to- my immediate family (going only to cousins) is over 60 people. So to include those who were important to us (which we viewed as crucial on our wedding day) it was not easy to have a small affair.
However, just like you, we did not go into debt for our wedding and have paid down our mortgage and other debts since we were married two and half years ago. We made a different decision than some but that doesn’t mean we were financially irresponsible in doing so.
And while I don’t know your relatives, I don’t think that the amount of money they spent on their weddings matters when it comes to their divorces; if ANY couple is committed to one another and truly means their wedding vows when they take them, the amount of money they spend, or don’t spend, on their wedding is irrelevant.
All in all, the beauty of a couple’s wedding is not based on the money spent but the meaning behind the day and their love for each other. So whether you spend $200 or $20,000, if it’s what YOU want and can afford, then it’s perfect.
Well said.
My daughter had a gorgeous wedding for less than $400. We bought an incredible dress from a second hand shop, the groom wore a suit (not a tux), the bridesmaids and groomsmen wore clothing of their own choice (who says everyone has to match?), her aunt made the cake, her uncle officiated, we borrowed the pretty yard of a good friend, a cousin (and his band) donated the music, I made her veil, the groom’s mom and I made the bouquet, the boutonnieres, and the flower arrangements and decorating. Another aunt made all the party food.
You can have a lovely party for very little money as long as you are creative and pull your friends/family into the planning process.
That’s if you have people willing to donate and do all the work and pay for things. The aunt had to pay for the food, and if the cousin makes a living (or part of one) on music he’d go hungry if he always donated his services. The veil materials still cost you money. The flowers for the bouquet/boutonnieres cost money. If you add up the costs of all those raw materials that people paid for out of pocket into the total you’d get a total of more than 400 dollars… so be honest about the actual “cost” instead of labeling people’s “donations” as being free. Its nice to have that luxury, btu some of us do have to hire a caterer and pay for a venue. My backyard is a big hill and most of our friends/relatives in town live in condos or townhomes… So we have to rent a venue.
And we can’t ask any of them to slave over a stove for days/weeks beforehand catering our wedding…
Actually, you could still have a “venue” by arranging to meet up at a lovely park or public monument–people do that in Europe all of the time–just you, the other partner and your friends. Pavillions are often free at beaches and parks and if people wear what they want–then voila–as for flowers–most parks have plenty planted–just do not pick them–if another friend is a gardener–the bride’s bouquets can come from them–really, if the party is kept pretty small and everyone agrees to paying for their own dinner–the wedding could be almost for free. Don’t rain or resent someone just because they are able to think and plan outside of the box and you are not–the fact is “boutonniers” , music and all of that has never been necessary for a wedding–it is just what the masses “DO” and in following them–it is what you do too. My hubby and I went to the justice of the peace for our marriage now, to make it romantic–we, and our “wedding party” went to a former palace–for one of the “weddings” because the magistrate’s officiated from a palace–on another time friends were married in a beautiful English garden replete with cloisters and a fountain– another did it in Rome at the Coliseum–the cost was to get us on the Thalys (train) with a picnic lunch, then an overnite and we all caravanned, The cost? 119Euros for the overnite and the couple paid for the food and the caravan. buy a ticket in lieu of a wedding gift? Each time the cost was the amount for a license, the only thing we ever went deep into our pockets for was the honeymoon and the dinners or luncheons for our wedding party–which we–kept to under 30–yep–they followed us to the gardens and the palace and from there, we all went to the restaurant or 1n one case back to the house where a friend catered the food that we paid for. IN America there are often gorgeous monuments with fountains or city parks–the going is free–if you don’t mind unknown spectators–there is something remarkably “chic” about planning the entire affair on the grounds of a museum with drinks and cocktails–or “afters” at a friend’s home.
Definitely under 500.00 US dollars each time. all you have to do is stop following the crowd and thinking you must have things on “lists” or do things a certain way with certain flowers or decorations. I definitely KNOW I could do an amazing wedding for someone for less than 2K–provided they got their own dress and they paid for the food (or compensated me for the ingredients–I am a fabulous cook). Now those “Honeymoons”–that is another story.
I Didn’t insult them for “thinking outside of the box”. My mom is a musician but people are unwilling to pay for music, they want it free. So she has given up public performance. Another friend of mine, a very talented violinist, only gets contacted by some “friends” before they get married so that she can “gift” them music. That music doesn’t just happen, she has practiced and learned her entire life. Her instrument needs to be maintained, and she has to coordinate the music they want to hear. Then there’s the physical toll standing on your feet performing takes. Why isn’t it fair to pay someone for this? She’ll be playing at my ceremony and I plan on paying her 250 (which is a discounted price already) for her trouble. She’s my friend, not my slave and I will not treat her like that.
Just like they want free catering. I simply do not have the balls to go to family and ask them to cook, clean, host, and pay for my wedding. For starters every single family member and friend under 70 works. To cook the kind of food needed for even a modest wedding of 50 people would require they take time off of work (or ask an old lady with arthritis to stand on her feet for days cooking), especially if they have just one stove and oven. And that food is still costing them something (I am assuming that we are not also asking them to grow the vegetables from seed and raising chickens for the wedding feast), having someone else pay for the food is still a cost. Its simply a cost that is being hoisted upon someone else. I have seen people get into this situation time and time again. They are “asked” and even when they try to say no they are guilted and cajoled. There are promises of help that never comes. They end up spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on the event for someone else and its considered a “gift”. I much rather buy someone a set of cookware then “gift” them free catering.
Things must be different in Europe but here in the U.S. using a park pavillion costs money. I know this b/c I have hosted parties in park pavillions. Several times there were people in those pavillions trying to throw a party for free (the rules about rentals are clearly posted). Then we had to call the police to get them evicted. Everyone wants something for free. I guess I’m not that much of a taker that I expect everyone to bend over backwards for me for “my special day”. Instead I expect that if I want something I will finance it myself. If I don’t want to pay for it I’ll elope at the courthouse.
Everyone wants something for free. But in order for you to get your free party with free food, and free flowers, and free music someone else has to pay. That’s my point, its not free. Its someone else slaving, paying, arranging, practicing their music, etc…. That’s not thinking outside of the box, that’s called selfishness.
All venues do not cost to be there and there is no rule to say one cannot be there in wedding regalia. I just happened upon 3 weddings last Saturday that took place on the grounds of a city museum. I do know that one of the groups want to the park to take pics by the fountains, then they left after strolling in a procession that it seemed we onlookers respected. That can be free and the “taking” was already paid for in taxes. The fact is anyone will find a way to make a buck and charge for stuff even if it is free.
Right now, it is almost impossible to look up a reverse phone number online without paying some company to divulge the address (this was free online in 1999) I am not suggesting you TAKE for your special day or USE people–I do not believe in that either.
I have no idea if they paid for it or not. I do not mean to belittle paying your way–some people pay in money, some in gifts–some in acts–One of my vocations is that I design interiors and am gifted in both cooking/fashion and flower arranging–which is not really surprising when you consider that my mom catered/planned weddings for over 30 years. I consider it an HONOR to help my friends plan their weddings–but at the same time, I am a very private person so if I am asked to cater or plan for a person who is not a close friend, I simply state it is an honor that I will have to pass up.
On the other hand, if a dear friend’s sister is getting married–I often will be in the picture as a kind of adviser (telling them were to go to get the best deals on invites, or flowers or calling in a favor to have my favorite seamstress fit the bride and her bridesmaids in.
The reason that I opted out of the wedding business is that I do not like all the hubbub–what is an amazing (yet stressful ) time for a bride is perhaps even worse for the planner as they have to deal with a lot of personalities and still try to bring it all off when it all falls apart.
For us, weddings were behind the scenes stressful–no different than other event planning except entire coteries of strangers do not forgive you if it does go wrong.
My point is, usually (not always) we all know someone with wonderful gardens–who if not hosting a wedding–could provide flowers (I had huge garden rooms and so often gave away peonies, irises etc instead of letting them die on the vine–so to speak)
There is often a person who wants to show off their cooking talents. If ever I could advise brides–I’d say that they should cultivate friendships with at least a few florists,, perhaps a few bakeries (a great place to meet bakers is at cake decorating classes)
Is this opportunistic? Not if you cultivate a friendship and not a relationship and if you do it LONG before you ever need a baker, a seamstress, a set designer, a printer, etc. Most of my friends in those professions LOVE being within a professional orbit and knowing almost with certainty that they will be accessed to do weddings etc and most are flexible enough to have a payscale and prices to suit almost any budget–because there is a certain amount of bartering and arranging that goes on behind the scenes of weddings.
The venue and the food are usually the most expensive–a person can get married anywhere–I once saw a minister administering the vows in hushed voice at Notre Dame. At first I thought 3 people were praying (she did not have on the white dress) then I thought it was a couple being blessed…only after I saw him put a ring on her finger did I figure out that this couple had managed to marry in one of the most famous venues of all times.
It is not the venue that costs–it is the need for the crowd–people pay for the seating for a crowd and for privacy–but when “thinking out of the box–the priorities shift. In this instance (I happened to speak to the Bride after she and her new spouse walked arm in arm away from where they had made the vows–she said–she always wanted to get married in a famous place and wanted her wedding to be “where the entire world could see. She was from America. When she tells people she got married at Notre Dame in France—she really did.
Actually, QueenBee, I think you should take your own advice: “Don’t rain or resent someone….” You are very critical of people who prefer to have a big wedding with the traditional touches. Why is that? The ways you suggest are very creative, and I’m sure they result in a lovely wedding. But not everybody wants that kind of wedding and there is no reason why they cannot instead have whatever kind of wedding is meaningful to them. Going into any significant debt is foolish, but beyond that, what does it matter what someone else chooses for their own wedding?
Wow, I just don’t get why people think it’s fine to be critical of others.
My friends got married in a park in Savannah – it was free (the six people in attendance stood throughout the ceremony). The groom’s best friend officiated (got a cheap license on the internet), the best friend’s fiance took photos, all wore suits or dresses they already had, the bride bought her dress for $80 – it was gorgeous, her bouquet came from a grocery store. They had only about 6 guests, all part of the wedding party, so to speak. The bride and groom bought nice dinner for everyone. In the end, with dinner, drinks, and their hotel room, they spent less than $500.
You can have a wedding in a public park or monument for free. You just can’t set up chairs, tables, altars, etc. without paying. And your true friends won’t mind donating a little time or money for your special day.
I live in Savannah and getting married in one of the parks or squares is not FREE. You are required by the City of Savannah to pay for an off duty police officer to provide security during your event (at a minimum of $80 an hour) and you also have to apply for a permit. There are other fees involved if you are having a large group of people and extending the event over a certain period of time. But even if you are having a small ceremony and nothing else, there is still a fee.
Just in case you thought I was making it up…I am getting married in Savannah in October and already looked into it. I agree that having the ceremony in one of the squares is cheaper than other venues in Savannah, but its not all free.
“You can have a wedding in a public park or monument for free.”
Not quite. I got married in Boston. If you want to take photos in a park (the Public Garden is a very popular spot) or most government buildings, you need to buy a permit. It was $125 for non-residents in 2005. Weddings cost even more.
I now live in Vermont. A state park wedding costs about $1,000. Reserving a venue in a city or town park also costs money.
I agree with the other commenter. Some of us don’t have family or friends who can pitch in to help with those things, either because they don’t want to or can’t afford it. Because I rejected the Christian faith, my parents wanted nothing to do with my wedding; my grandparents, who loved me no matter what, were all dead by that point. It was so awkward with my MIL (who is a dear) asking me, “How much money has your father given you?” and reply, “Um, are you serious? They hate me.” I myself have shelled out to throw bachelorette parties, hen parties, and donate my services as a musician and very rarely was even given a thank-you note for my money spent and/or services. I have to confess it’s a little irritating when the phone calls and emails start of people requesting/demanding that I do something to help them celebrate their wedding, BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET IT FOR FREE AND DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR IT. It seems that around where I live, big wedding bashes aren’t done (and if they are, they get snarked to hell on it–lots of judgement to be had in the bible belt) and everyone wants the dream wedding without having to pay a cent. If people OFFER to help, then you’re fortunate, but not all of us have a legion of relatives to call in at every event or function. And some of those friends and relatives are like me, and are sick of being taken advantage of because you don’t want to pay a vendor.
But if the bride and groom don’t have “legions” of family and friends, why does the wedding have to be big at all?
The thing that people seem to have forgotten is that wedding celebrations are supposed to be about two families joining, about a community forming. Throughout the world, weddings are put together by the very people who will participate. It’s the idea of farming out the work to total strangers that is new.
AMEN.
My first wedding (which lasted quite long enough, thank you) cost barely over 1k – Including a beautiful, custom built gown.
My friends were all poor, and so were happy to help make the party; one took photos, another arranged flowers, another helped me cook, another made a cake. All in lieu of gifts, which I really didn’t need.
I honestly don’t understand the whole expensive wedding mania – and sometimes I feel that it becomes more about the wedding, and less about the marriage. I think thats kind of sad.
Interesting point. My bridesmaids picked out their dresses from a JC Penny’s sale catalog. They had two choices. They loved the dress and could wear them whenever they wanted. My husband told me one of the girls commented it was the nicest dress she ever had. I heard it told that the larger the wedding the quicker the divorce. We had a small wedding so I guess we are doing well 20+ years. My 19 year old plans (future) to purchase a bridesmaid dress, then alter it (she sews) so she can wear it on date night with her husband after the wedding. She will probably wear my veil that I purchased from Goodwill and redecorated it many years ago or just maybe forgo that and purchase her two favorite flowers and place them on a headband to place in her hair. She is even talking about silk flowers for a keep sake.
Another way to look at this is that your friends (and most of the marrying kind) are pumping money into our lagging economy, providing income and jobs that will keep others out of bankruptcy. I’ve often heard people complain about the rich people in our city who attend lavish social events and why shouldn’t they just hand all that money directly to a charitable organization. My response is that the money spent on dresses, accessories, hair and makeup for the event, as well as the catering and entertainment and decor, provide jobs for others and keep us all afloat, plus the charity benefits and you would not believe the business connections that are made at these events.
I second this. I even bring this up when people talk about how much is wasted on political campaigns. Somebody is making a living off of the catering, the hotels, the rented halls, the crowds, the shirts & buttons. It’s all going into the economy.
Begrudgingly, I agree.
But sometimes the bills and vendors never get paid.
@GatoraideMomma
“sometimes the bills and vendors never get paid” Jeez what kind of friends do you have. We are talking about the value of spending money on extravagant weddings not thieves. If a vendor does not get paid and has no recourse, he or she should have a better system for collecting their invoices owed.
Some families save for years to throw big weddings for their kids. When my friend got married her parents, who were both doctors, threw this massive 3 day shindig that easily cost $250K possibly closer to $500k. It was a beautiful event and the days of parties were a blast. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking how many medical research projects her parents could have funded or low income people without healthcare that they could have helped. I’m sure they donate to all sorts of charities, but with so many people living in substandard conditions this decadence was over the top. Knowing my interest in flowers, her mother told me I could take home the flower arrangement but there was no way I could fit the four foot tall mountain of flowers in a taxi. Just think of all the consumption for only a few hours of pleasure and then it would be thrown out.
indio, I completely agree. And an unpopular thought; which will last longer, the marriage or the debt. I’ve been to two weddings where I just knew the marriages wouldn’t work out and they didn’t even clear twelve months.
That probably cost about $120.00 per minute didn’t it? I have a friend who went to the Dominican Republic as part of a wedding which didn’t last the vacation. Too funny. Bride came home on one plane the groom another.
On the other hand, think of $250-500k that they spent on the local economy, helping to employ American workers: Catering staff, Florists, Tailors for the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses, facility rental, equipment rental, wedding cake makers, musicians, DJ’s, printers, etc. All of these expenditures support local small and medium sized businesses, many family owned.
I suppose *all* consumer consumption could be re-directed to research or charity. But then a lot more people would be laid off without clients to support their businesses.
Stop being such a kill joy and just enjoy the weddings. Making judgements about a wedding bill (that you don’t have to pay) is no different than making judgments about someone else’s purchasing choice on type of car, housing, or brand of coffee.
It’s none of your business, so mind your own business.
We’re entitled to make judgements. And I think the families dropping that much cash on huge weddings are expecting judgements. They’re simply hoping the judgements will be universally positive — “It was so beautiful.” “Classy.” “They love their daughter so much.” etc. It’s not a bad thing for people to learn that, in fact, many people are judging those kinds of expenses negatively.
Its OK to judge again. I’m sure you are including those who have a negative view of your social stands too… Like abortion, homosexuality, drug use, and liberal government. Of course not, your statement, Lora, shows your utter shallowness based on a self absorbed hypocrisy.
Lora is shallow, but you are not? Pot: meet kettle.
Yanno, I am going to college at age 47. When I read these ridiculous amounts of money, it makes me gag. I could use that sum to pay for my education! And yet these moronic idiots are spending THAT much money for a freaking PARTY? WTF? If I had that much money, I would have been able to live on my own WITH my kids instead of staying married to a guy that horrible! Yanno? Judgemental, sure!
Yanno is not a word and should not be used by someone who is in college.
Ok, so when you decide that “they could have used the money for X instead of a wedding,” then I can extend that notion to anything. I can judge you when you buy a house and say “if you would have lived in an apartment instead, and donated the money to medical research, or if you would have bought a 2,000 used car instead of a $20,000 new car, or if you wouldn’t have bought $500 in new clothes, but would have went to the salvation army..” And believe me, there are people who do this…Please, don’t tell me it is any different. The bottom line is, don’t judge. These people probably donate a lot more than you do. I spent $50,000 on my wedding (happily married for 10 years and going), but I also donate a ton to charity and volunteer 30 hours a week (ON TOP of my full time job). How many hours a week to you donate? People can always do more…do you???? People are always willing to discuss what other people can do while sitting on their rumps. If you don’t have disposable income, you have time. Go out and spend 10 hours a week, and unless you are working 80 hours a week, like I am, you have time. So, quit judging, the money wasn’t yours to spend.
Hold on…just a moment….while I agree that the cost might be a bit exuberant…I ask that you and others keep in mind that those parents you’re judging…..likely worked their tails off for whatever money they have, make, donate, etc.
Sure, people are poor and not everyone is afforded the same opportunity to prosper, however…..you cannot pull the old “guilty sans money”-“you should be more contientious of other people’s plight bit”.
What people seem to regularly forget is that in this country we truly are the masters of our own fate.
You shouldn’t think of someone else’s wealth/spending habits and associate it with what “they” could or should be doing with it. That’s not for you to say or to judge.
Do with YOUR money what you like. Associate YOUR income/wealth with what YOU can do.
After all, that is what YOU can control. You will be much more productive doing what you can do for others than talking about what someone else could do for others.
Except that many people can’t afford the extravagance. They pay for their weddings with credit cards and then file bankruptcy. I know at least one couple who did that. Guess who ultimately pays for it then? Everyone.
That’s what a couple of my friends did for their wedding, save the bankruptcy. They spent like $20K, plus their honeymoon, and came out of it with 4 maxed credit cards. The wedding was exactly what they wanted…the debt? Not so much. To each their own.
Bankruptcy is harder to get nowadays. Its not the easy-out it used to be.
Bankruptcy should be harder to get…it was should not be for irresponsible people who use bankruptcy to get a free ride for their reckless spending….
If people don’t want to be judged for spending huge amounts of money on a wedding, they should be bragging to all their friends about it. For some reason they feel the need to let the world know what they spent so they must expect a reaction.
As for being more productive, just think how much more productive YOU could be if you got up from the computer and did something other than judging people for judging people who brag about the money they spend.
Ok, people work hard and make money, it is their right to enjoy it on something like this. This is a memory that will last a lifetime. Just because some people will never be able to have this type of wedding, myself included, doesn’t mean we have to jealously say things like, oh they should have given money to help others. People are allowed to enjoy their damn money in this country if they want to!
You attended the wedding, all the while thinking about how the parents could have used their money for medical research or funding health care for low income people:
Philanthropy isnt a privilege limited to the wealthy, you know. You could have been thinking about the luxuries you could give up in order to fund healthcare for the poor and medical research. You dont need cable tv, or a vacation, or a nice car, or restaurant meals-you could be giving that money to charity. Every little bit counts!
LOVE IT!!!!
While I agree that 250k to 500k is a lot of money, it is their money. The money they spent went to people who had jobs and work for their wages.
Weddings are beautiful, and the couple is the only to decide what kind of celebration they like. Depending on their preferences they’d establish the budget. Another think I find important is that they give their best to enjoy everything, not allowing preparations and stress shadow this unique moment.:)
I don’t think you should judge someone for spending $30k, or $100k, or whatever. What matters is that a couple not spend a nickel more than they can afford. Starting off your marriage with wedding debt is just flat-out silly.
My bridesmaids picked out their dresses from a JC Penny’s sale catalog. They had two choices. They loved the dress and could wear them whenever they wanted. My husband told me one of the girls commented it was the nicest dress she ever had. I heard it told that the larger the wedding the quicker the divorce. We had a small wedding so I guess we are doing well 20+ years. My 19 year old plans (future) to purchase a bridesmaid dress, then alter it (she sews) so she can wear it on date night with her husband after the wedding. She will probably wear my veil that I purchased from Goodwill and redecorated it many years ago or forgo that and purchase her two favorite flowers and place them on a headband to place in her hair. She is even talking about silk flowers for a keep sake.
We were getting pretty overwhelmed about 8 months before our wedding with the planning and budgeting, so we did a spur-of-the-moment ceremony in the church with our immediate families and had a reception in my parents’ back yard. I didn’t buy a dress, my brother-in-law made a great photo album, and we had a home made cake. We’ll celebrate our 31st anniversary in a few weeks, so maybe lisa is right about the big weddings. I can imagine spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding might make the marriage seem hard to live up to, and no day is ever perfect, no matter how hard you try to control it.
My cousin got married, they threw an expensive reception, then got divorce about two years after. My aunt is still paying the bill. My sister’s wedding was small, and fun. They are still married and its about 25 years already. Mine was in the middle of both and I can’t wait to kick the bum out! My sister in law had two weddings and two divorces. The second wedding was annoyingly pompous with people of note from the town where she works. Townies..bah! You can’t always judge by price but there might be something to it.
Equating a wedding price to the longevity of the marriage is stupid. It all depends if they can afford the wedding. Some people make more than enough to justify the cost. Two doctors could have a expensive wedding and it would not be an issue.
I agree with you… I have seen marriages fail and succeed on both sides of the financial table. Starting out a marriage with debt could add stress to the relationship, but if that’s not an issue, who cares what they spend? It’s no one’s business but the person(s) paying.
Wow thats a really old veil….
If someone can afford to spend $30,000, let them. For all they know this is will be (hopefully) their only wedding, so they should do it exactly how they want as long as they are responsible with their choices.
I agree with everyone else but I’m only getting married once and whatever I choose to spend on my wedding will be my choice.
Go big or go home.
Okay, you spend all that money for the “Perfect” day you “Know” it’s going to be, and something goes wrong. Slim chances, granted, but I’ve been to few where there’s been big, and there’s been small. Regardless of which, they were never forgotten and the big money ruined there day.
Oh, and keep in mind I’m not knocking it, just be sure to have have a sense of humor about it should it happen. If you have, go for it. Who is it for others to say. The reason I didn’t read down (I agree with the above) is I can’t believe that notion, I’d probably get to p.o.d
Slim chances?
50% of all marriages end in divorce. So not so slim. Sorry about being anal on percentages.
OK, This whole ‘50% of marriages ends in divorce’ thing has got to stop. You are not ‘anal’ on percentages, if you were, you would know that it isn’t 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. That statistic isn’t accurate because it doesn’t exist. Marriages aren’t tracked individually. If they were, we’d have a better statistic. So, because they aren’t, they are tracked by time period. By time period, I mean that within a certain time period, there are, for example, 100 new marriages. So, if in this time period, 50 couples are divorced (these are people who may or may not be associated with the 100 couples who married in the first place), then the statistic arises that 100 couples married, 50 couples divorced. So…yeah. That statistic doesn’t exist.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_in_the_United_States#Statistics_.28U.S..29
Pay special attention to the ‘rates of divorce’ section.
My husband and I were planning the ‘perfect’ wedding. When it all comes down to it, who are you having the wedding for? Yourselves or the family members? You are just as married if you go to the justice of the peace or have a lavish church wedding. It’s the MARRIAGE that is important not the WEDDING. Money that is wasted on an elaborate, over the top wedding, especially if you have to make payments on it via a credit card or have parents chip in a pay for it, could be used for other more important things. In the end, my husband and I decided to elope and went to Scotland and got married. We had a fantastic wedding, a fantastic honeymoon and are still married 10+ years later. Good Luck on your over-inflated weddings to go with your over-inflated ego and pretentiousness.
This is a reply to Aly below – if I have a lavish wedding, why do you assume that it was not what my husband and I had wanted? Do you also assume that our wedding is somehow less than yours because we chose to have an expensive wedding? If I told you that our wedding cost $100k, you would probably think it was ridiculous – but what if I also told you that everything was paid for in cash, there was no debt, and we didn’t even need to use that money for a honeymoon, since that was given to us as a gift? How about if you knew that my husband and I have been married almost 7 years, own our home, have a child, and are blissfully expecting another in January? My point is: don’t you dare call our wedding over-inflated. It was exactly what we wanted, and it was affordable for us, and trust me, I didn’t do it to impress people like you. When I go to a wedding, I cry when the bride and groom kiss every time – no matter if the wedding I am attending is in a backyard or a cathedral. I am not rude enough to judge others on what they choose to spend or not to spend. I really don’t care – all I care about is that it’s a happy day for the bride and groom. I certainly wouldn’t want someone like you at my wedding.
Ok, so I am getting married in October, and felt like I might have something meaningful to say.
I first got married when I was 20 years old, and now take my place in the ranks of the numerous divorcees around the country. My parents paid for that wedding, and while it was lovely, it was certainly not extravagant. I wore a replica Grace Kelly dress I found in an antidue store for $150, we got married in the morning to cut down on reception costs, and because the reception was a brunch buffet, there was no alcohol involved. And we got divorced three years later, for things that had nothing at all to do with the wedding or the finances.
I am now engaged again, at the age of 29, to a man I have been dating for 6 years. It will be his first wedding. My parents wanted me to go to the JP, since I had already had my “dream wedding.” They made it clear that they would not be paying for this one, which I completely understand and support. My fiance and I both work full time in fairly well paying jobs, so why should my parents shoulder the burden for this event?
However, my fiance is the oldest child and only son in his family. And his mother and father and sisters would be heartbroken to not be able to see me “officially” become a part of their family, as they already think of me as such. I would be devastated if my parents, grandmothers and sister were not there to support me on this day – he will be joining that family just as I am joining his. And my grandmother is 92 years old – which means as lovely as a park or a vineyard would be, it is really not feasible. I can’t ask my grandmother to stand out in the heat or the rain, and I need the venue to be close to her hotel so that travel is not difficult for her.
All of this means we are getting married in a large city – easy transportation for my grandmother, close to his family so they don’t incur too many travel costs. But that means the price tag for our venue is a lot higher than it would be if we could get married in, say, the Appalachian mountains overlooking the sunset. But again, try getting a 92 year old, an 86 year old and his two grandmothers (both in their 80s and recovering from surgery to lower extremities) to a remote locale. So, we economized other ways. We aren’t having a sit down dinner, because, quite frankly, the bride and groom are too busy greeting people to really sit down and eat anyway. We are having heavy hors d’oevres and a dessert buffet – which also means, no 1,000 cake. My dress was on sale at J Crew. My bouquet, while beautiful, will not be the “traditional” poufy wedding bouquet, because it was another way to cut down on costs. My bridesmaids can wear whatever they choose. Even with our decisions on where we can save money, we still have 80 people on our guest list, and between the venue, the food, the drinks and the DJ (whichwe considered nixing, but the venue doesn’t have a way to set up an I-Pod, which means we’d have to rent a sound system anyway), we will be spending between $10,000 and $15,000. Now, we can afford it, because we both make enough money to do so and because my grandmother contributed some money for the wedding and the down payment on the house we just bought. But in order for us to have even our immediate family and our best friends at the wedding, our guest list would still be 20 people. And that is just grandmothers, parents, siblings and one best friend each. And going out to dinner with 20 people in a major American city for less than $200 is unrealistic.
My parents don’t own a home, my sister lives in an apartment, as do all our friends, and his parents have a small backyard. So throwing the wedding somewhere free is not really an option. And we want our families – though we are only inviting aunts, uncles and first cousins, as we are close to them – to share in our day and welcome the new addition to the family. In the same way we would want our family to come to a baptism to welcome a new child. While I understand that for some people, an expensive wedding is not what they want, for me, it isn’t about the money. It’s about the people I want around me when I make this commitment. And even though I KNOW going into it that it might not last forever (I have to, given my history), I also believe that this one will. So why not honor that belief and live into it, instead of second guessing it at the beginning by saying, “well, this might not last, so why bother to spend money on it?” Seems defeatist to me.
Anyway, I think in the end, you do what you think is right, as does everyone else. And you should try to find the joy in other people’s moments of happiness, and not the reason why they should have done it differently.
I know exactly what you mean. About the people being around you, choosing the venue realistically and spending in your budget with no debt involved.
My husband and I had a similar wedding four years ago, not too extravagant and not too simple, among the close family members that you also mentioned. The wedding costs were not an issue at the time and it hasn’t been until today. We have been saving up for a house since then and fortunately we’re very close to buying one in couple of years.
We’re not married for that long but I believe as it has been said many times in the comments too, the longevity of marriages is not related to the amount you spend on the wedding but to the amount you go deep in debt for that payment.
I wish you a wonderful marriage and a great life.
“Women in this culture have been bull***ted into believing that they only have one day out of their life that they matter.”
— Hal Sparks on marriage
I like this quote!
And the thing is it’s not just your culture. I live in Iran and it’s the same over here, and in some ways such as the scale of dowry purchases and the wedding party it gets worse.
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