Dual income families are becoming more and more common these days, but is leaving your children in the care of a stranger worth it? Is the extra money even necessary?
Sara is due in the next five to nine weeks, and one of the topics that we discussed is whether Emma should be a stay home mom. The instant reaction was “Of course she should work. How are we going to afford everything?” But on second thought, the decision involves so much more.
Here’s what’s at stake, but what do you think we should do? What would you do?
- Money… Really? – Most people would quit their job if money isn’t a concern. They don’t do it for obvious practical reasons, but is that extra paycheck really necessary? Many families are paying higher taxes because of a second income, extra childcare, and miscellaneous expenses like eating out and gas because of it. I’m sure we can still earn more by working, but it’s not nearly as much as most people think.
- Do I Know You? – And forget the expenses, what if we don’t pick an appropriate daycare or baby sister? There are too many baby sister horror stories floating around for us to be totally comfortable about this. And let’s face it, even the best daycare is no where close to our unconditional love for our daughter.
- The Extra Time is an Illusion – Daycare centers are strict. If your children are sick, they are going to ask you to take them home without exceptions. You think you’ve found the right solution, until you are off a couple days every week because you are taking your son or daughter to see the doctor.
And the hours aren’t that great either. So many daycare centers only operate half days. What are you going to do at 1pm when they expect you to pick up your daughter? Sneak out of work? Oh I can go, I forgot that I work at home.
- Emma wants to be Involved – Emma is working, Sara is home, I’m home. I’m naturally going to be more involved with her day to day activities. Picking her up from childcare, talking to other parents about raising the child etc etc. I know Emma wants to be with Sara too, but it’s not nearly as convenient when she works at least eight hours a day.
- Medical Insurance – Most people can just move the family’s insurance to the parent that’s still working, but not us. I looked around, and insurance policies for small businesses are nowhere nearly as good as the ones for medium to large corporations. Someone told me that they suck, and he was right. You can’t buy a good policy even if you are willing to pay top dollars.
But unlike most people, Emma is actually happy at work. It offers a change of pace from parenting and being stuck with me all day. As I wrote about in the 7-step guide to be happy (available in the newsletter), you can only make others around you happy if you are happy.
Emma staying at home with Sara and me all day is like a balloon with a pump attached. It’s great at the beginning. Air is pumped in, balloon is inflating until one day, there’s too much pressure and it pops. When we are together 24 hours a day, 7 days and week and 365 days a year, every year, it’s just not healthy.
So, what would you do if you were in our shoes? What did you do when you had your first (or second, or third) child?
Our whole family is looking forward to your comments and suggestions.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I stay at home with my 3 kids and my husband works from home. We have been doing this for 10 years so we know what works and what doesn’t. My husband often goes out of his office to visit clients so we get a break from each other and it is much needed. We made a policy of me never knocking on his office door and calling him instead to keep the kids from thinking it was ok to interrupt him. I, however, did not love the job I was at when I left and we were able to get insurance through my husband’s business. From what information you’ve posted I would advise to keep her job and try and make that work. I did that in the beginning but after a year it was apparent to us that we would be better with me home. You won’t really know how it works for you till you try it. Good Luck!
Thank you so much for your insights.
It does seem like a safer route for her to stay at the job and see how things are working out since finding a job is much harder than leaving one.
I would have to speak with my wife about the interrupting and knocking on the door policies and see how we can apply it to our situation when the time comes.
With a new baby in the house, it’s always great if there’s that one grandparent who is able to watch your child…or an auntie who is willing to look after them while you’re at work because that really helps relieve the stresses of a new baby for both parents. Usually, a close relative(usually moms from either side of the family) will come to stay with us while we are trying to adapt to having a new child. That’s great help for the mother as the grandmother can tend to the baby while the mom sleeps and gets rest. However, if you’re not lucky enough to have a close relative who can do that for you or if for some reason you don’t want that kind of help, then I would suggest you guys work out another alternative as opposed to daycare because there are lots of horror stories about daycares, too. Good luck and I hope you find a resolution to your problems. Keep us updated!
I definitely will keep everyone posted. Unfortunately, the grandparents are living out of the country but they will be visiting us for a couple months while baby Sara is getting used to the world.
I wouldn’t rule out daycare just because there are horror stories about daycare, but just make sure you do very careful research and check out references. You can unconditionally love your baby and still send them to daycare. I actually think my daycare offers my son a much richer experience than he would get if he stayed home with me or my husband all day, through exposure to different activities and other kids. He’s 13 months old, so I don’t pretend its educational, but daycare offers him experiences that we would pay for separately otherwise (Gymboree, music classes etc.). He’s bonded very well with his primary care provider and loves going.
What I would say is to take as long a maternity leave as possible (4 months +) and then reevaluate – I feel like you can’t really know until you’ve been doing it. Personally, I was very excited about going back to work, but I know other parents who have set expectations about returning or not returning to work and then have changed their mind during maternity leave. The other thing I would say is that I’m not sure I would be very happy if dear husband stayed home all day, so that might be another thing to explore while on maternity leave. The most important thing is for both of you to be happy, because unhappiness will come out in your parenting. Good luck!
Thank you. From reading everyone’s suggestions, I’m more convinced that the status quo (her going back) is the right way to go for now while we see how we adjust to everything.
We will keep everyone posted for sure and what our conclusion is after my wife and I have a serious chat.
I agree with Myra. Like any other important decision, there will be some trial and error involved as you decide what works best for you. I have been a stay at home Mom for quite a while now, and it was great when the kids were younger. I loved being there and they actually were at the doctor’s office weekly for awhile. It was great to be able to get them there myself and care for them without worrying about losing my job.
The fact that Emma loves her work is another important factor. Is she going to resent being at home all the time, or will she enjoy it as I did? I’m not going to say it’s easy. Many days I wished I could go off to work and get a break from the 24/7 job that parenting is. There’s also the prestige factor, and well-meaning (or not) questions about when are you going back to work – as if you are not working when you are caring for your home and children.
Now that my children are older, I’m not needed as much during the day (except for this morning, when my son called me to bring in something he had forgotten for an important school project). But I like to be here when they get home, and there are still doctor, dentist, and other appointments that I take care of so that my husband can concentrate on work. (My other son has a dentist appointment this afternoon, and my husband happens to be out of town briefly.)
This is one of the hardest decisions facing parents today and it’s one that only you can make. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. Hope this helps!
Your advice definitely helps! Decisions decisions decisions!
Take the maternity leave and enjoy the baby while she can. If Emma likes working, and it provides health care, then she can go back to work outside of the home.
You become Mr. Mom and work at home also. Find ways to multi-task,
like moms HAVE to do
Thousands of moms work at home and raise the kids too, so it can be done.
It’s just a matter of scheduling. I know, I did all the secretary and bookwork for our four businesses from home with 3 little ones running around. Plus the cooking, cleaning, and sewing all the kids’ clothes.
You do what you have to do
With you at home, there is really NO reason for daycare, except when you
And it’s only ONE baby 
have appts. The two of you should be able to schedule your work time around the baby and around her naps, play times, and when Emma is home, and on weekends. Babies sleep a LOT that first year
Closed door will work when Emma is home. She’ll want exclusive time with the baby also – after you have her all day!
Work up a schedule of the household chores so neither of you feels overwhelmed or taken advantage of.
You have a strong argument about how I can work at home and try to multitask, but that’s not something that’s possible right now for us.
There are many things that need my total concentration, and I don’t want to do two things with 50% effort when each need my COMPLETE attention.
We might try to get a baby sister to come over to work a few hours a day though while I can focus on what I need to do everyday.
If you can make a decent living on it, I say go for it. I would live to spend more time at home and schedule my own hours.
One thing to remember, assuming your wife takes a maternity leave of 6 to 12 weeks is that you will get a trial run of what it would be like. As it seems you suspect, your wife may be ready to get back to the workplace, but she may not, you never know. As someone pointed out above, you can evaluate it as it happens. With a newborn, it will be a lot more time consuming for her than as the child grows, but even at several years old they need a lot of attention (and supervision)!
I believe once they reach school age, I can handle everything because I can concentrate on what I need to do while she’s at school, but at the beginning, we will definitely see how everything plays out.
Planning is good, but it’s impossible to have a good plan when you don’t know what will exactly happen.
I was a stay at home Mom for a while and my husband has very good health insurance plan and although we took a hit money wise with me staying home it did work for a while. I did babysit for family and friends to earn some money when times were tight and they knew that I would treat their children like they were my own (which I absolutely did). I did eventually return back to work without having to take the option of paying for my health insurance so I was lucky in that respect. It’s the quality of time spent with your children not the quantity, I have seen the good, the bad and the down right ugly when it comes to stay at home Moms as well as working Moms it’s all about the love and support you both give to this child not the “man hours” your with your child. By the way, my oldest is getting ready to go off to college and my youngest is in middle school and both are doing quite well and they both know how much my husband and I love and adore them and that’s really what counts.
This is a very tough question that’s relevant to so many of us who are married to moms with careers. It’s impossible to come up with a definite “yes” or “no” answer to this question, because the choice that needs to be made is so personal. We’re all unique and we all have unique goals and values. The one thing that we can do is ask ourselves these questions and consider any other consequences. People in this situation might want to consider their long-term financial goals as well as the stability of the working parent’s job over the long-term. And some people may want to chat with a financial expert to help identify questions they haven’t thought of. For example, for those who have company-sponsored life insurance or disability insurance policies, they might want to consider how those would be affected, and what steps they could take to address any gaps in long-term plans. At the end of the day, it all comes down to personal priorities and goals. There are pitfalls and possibilities down each path, but if you’ve asked yourself the tough questions, hopefully you can find peace with your final decision. Best of luck!
Exciting times David! Good luck!
I think Emma should NOT stay at home and work, given that’s what she wants. Furthermore, since you get to work at home, makes sense for you to be Mr. Mom! That’s got to be one of the great benefits of being a pro blogger right?
BTW, sent you a shout out on my latest post at the end. Thanks for all the support!
Congrats! It seems as though your situation is the same as mine except the opposite. Emma should go back to work if not for health insurance reasons alone. Best of luck to you!
Hello-
I’m sure you mean baby sitter – not “baby sisters.”
And adding on to the post – maybe Emma should work from home. There are many professional jobs that allow people to work from home nowadays.